Personal Disclaimer: One of the first fanfic's I ever wrote
- sort of sappy...
Copyright 2000 Cassatt
Parts reworked 2001 Cassatt
[Harry Kim has fallen in love with a Varro woman against Capt. Janeway's direct orders. She has put a written reprimand in his personnel file. She is very angry with him over this situation, and the possible repercussions this might have with her attempt to establish an alliance with the Varro.]
Captain's quarters. Janeway and Chakotay are having dinner by candlelight.
Janeway handed Chakotay a padd. "Here are the new regulations for the crew's interractions with the Varro. I cannot have any further instances like this one. This cannot happen again." she spoke angrily.
He looked at the padd, then looked at her. "It seems as though you were a bit harsh with Harry. A written reprimand in his file? Are you sure it is because of his actions or are you taking this, well, a bit personally? This is a somewhat sensitive topic for you.... I mean, personal relationships vs. protocols and all of that. It looks to me as though you are over-reacting..."
She was angry. "I gave him a direct order which he chose to disobey. It is not his place to question that."
"If I disagree with a decision you have made, you demand that I speak my mind, tell you what I think of it..." Chakotay said more forcefully than he intended.
"You are my first officer! Harry Kim is an ensign! He has not earned the right to question me. And at the moment, I'm not sure you have either - questioning my motives!" her eyes blazing.
Chakotay felt as though she had physically stabbed him in the heart. Tears were forming in his eyes. He closed them, and could feel a pounding in his head. He wanted to scream. He had to get out of there. He opened his eyes, stood up and threw the padd and his napkin down on the table, furiously trying to control the anger he was feeling.
"Well, then, Captain... good night." And he turned and marched away from the table.
Kathryn looked at his reaction to what she had said and was horrified with herself. She knew as soon as the words were out of her mouth they were a huge and terrible mistake. She watched helplessly as he got up, walking away. "Chakotay!" she cried out in her harshest commanding officer timbre.
The door opened and he was gone. Swoosh, it shut.
Oh my god, what have I done? She was stunned. I really hurt him ... how could I do that? Oh my god.... She felt as though her heart was being pulled right out of her chest. Her hands flew to her mouth and she felt the tears begin to hit her cheeks. After awhile, her only thought was I have to find him and apologize...
"Computer, locate Commander Chakotay."
"Commander Chakotay is in his quarters."
She was out the door.
Chakotay strode down the corridor toward his quarters, seeing nothing, acknowledging no one. When he got inside he ripped his jacket off and threw it on a chair in a heap. Tore off his undertunics, his boots and his pants. He took particular comfort in throwing his boots against the couch with a loud whomp. He went into the bathroom, thinking some cold water on his face might work, snap him out of the rage he was feeling. It didn't. He wanted to be on the top of a cliff, overlooking the mesa, so he could scream everything right out of him. Damn Starfleet anyway! And damn Kathryn! Deciding whether he has the right to talk to her or not, as though she were a benevolent queen or something..... damn that woman!!
He paced up and down the room in his underwear. This didn't help. He couldn't get off this stupid ship, he had nowhere to go. He wanted to hit something. He went into his closet and got on his boxing clothes, wrapped his hands, and headed out the door for holodeck two. He greeted no one who passed.
By the time Kathryn reached Chakotay's door her heart was pounding. She reached up to touch it, and pulled her hand away. She did that again. She was afraid to see him, to see the anger in his eyes. She pulled her jacket down and touched the door pad. The computer chirped but the door remained shut. She tried the door again. Nothing.
She tapped her comm, "Janeway to Commander Chakotay." There was no response.
She considered opening the door with a command code, then chided herself for it. Kathryn, he deserves much more respect than that... much more respect than you are showing him these days .... he's doing the best he can with you. Trying to play by your rules... But doesn't he know that I don't want to play by the rules, either?
She turned away from the door and began walking down the corridor, tears threatening. She felt desperate to make this ache in her heart go away and hurt he didn't want to talk to her. She really needed to be by herself but didn't want to go back to her quarters, she couldn't be in that room just yet - it was too painful. She walked for awhile through Voyager thinking about Chakotay, and her, and their situation. Damn him anyway, she thought with a stab in her chest, getting under her skin like that. But what if he never forgave her, what would she do without him?
She suddenly wanted to see Da Vinci. Maybe sitting with him would help her get some much needed perspective.
She headed for the holodecks.
From a few feet away, Kathryn saw the holodeck door screen lit up, indicating that it was in use. Damn. She was swearing to herself when she got to holodeck two and raising her eyes noticed this was in use as well. Damn. Then her brain registered what she was seeing. Chakotay's boxing program was running. Her heart began to beat faster. She took all of two seconds to decide. She put her command code in and the door opened.
As she walked into the boxing gym the first thing that struck her was the overwhelming testosterone everywhere. She almost shivered. The vestibule was quite authentic, photos of champs and non-champs on the walls, old wood paneling, dirty chairs. She heard grunts and shouts coming from the gym. She went through the opening looking for Chakotay. He wasn't in the ring. She scanned the room.
He was in the back hitting a punching bag. He had on his boxing shorts and a tank top. His shoulders glistened with sweat and his hair was wet. He was hitting the bag over and over and over.... he had a glazed look in his eye. She hesitated, then walked toward him.
If he noticed her he gave no indication other than a slight pause before striking out again.
"Chakotay, can I speak to you?" Her heart was pounding.
He continued to punch the bag. She continued to stand there, waiting.
"Well, what's stopping you?" whomp "You're the captain, you can speak whenever you like." whomp He wouldn't meet her eyes.
She knew she deserved that, but it didn't make the hurt any less. She felt her resolve threatening to leave, her courage sinking into the floor.
"Chakotay, please .... may I speak to you? Can you stop for a minute? Please?" she asked softly.
Chakotay took a few more swings then caught the bag to stop its momentum. He put his forehead against it for a few seconds seemingly catching his breath. Then he turned and looked at her. Kathryn could see the hurt there, and the anger. Her heart ached.
She took a small step forward, and he moved slightly back. She stopped and took a very deep breath.
"I am so very ... sorry ... for what I said to you. It was wrong of me to imply that you had stepped over some imaginary boundary. I know that I've hurt you.... and I'm just... so sorry, Chakotay. Please forgive me." There, she said it. She could feel her heart beating in her chest waiting to see what his reaction would be.
His eyes were roaming the room. He was unreadable. He slowly made eye contact and spoke to her with a quieter voice than she expected. "Captain, I accept your apology. I understand the... parameters that you've set. Rest assured I will not cross them again."
Kathryn felt tears forming, her throat constricting. This was worse than she had imagined. Her cheek was wet. She briefly closed her eyes and brusquely wiped it dry then crossed her arms, holding her elbows. She didn't know what to say to him, didn't know how to break down this wall she had so carefully constructed. She suddenly knew she wanted to vaporize it, knew it deep in her heart....
Chakotay watched her trying to regain composure. He knew that he should be sorry for what he was doing right then but somehow he couldn't be. She needed to struggle with this, just as he had done for the last few years. He was still hurt ... and he still loved her. He was tired of her controlling this situation. He was just so tired.
He said softly, "Captain, if there is nothing else, I believe I am off duty and I would like to get back to my workout if that's all right with you."
Kathryn looked at him looking at her. She wanted to tell him it wasn't, she needed to talk this out with him, she needed him to ..... what? Hold her, tell her he still loved her..... she closed her eyes unwilling to let him see. Then she opened them taking a deep breath, "All right, Chakotay. Thank you for hearing me out. I hope you .... take care of yourself. I'll see you in the morning." She turned and walked away as the knife twisted and twisted in her chest.
When she got to the vestibule she felt her composure crumbling. The tears were rolling down her cheeks and she was stifling a cry. She put her head against the wall near the door not able to open it just yet. She stumbled over to a chair and put her head in her hands, softly crying to herself. She listened to the noises of the gym. She was vaguely aware of footsteps coming near her. She felt a hand on her shoulder. She took a breath and looked up to see Boothby looking down at her. Boothby! Chakotay had a great sense of humour .... The knife turned, she took another breath.
"May I sit down with you for awhile, Kathryn?"
"Of course."
"You know, Chakotay is a very complex man and a very simple one. He's hurt right now, he's in there pummeling the heck out of that bag. Harder than I've ever seen him. He just needs to get it out of his system."
"You mean me."
"No, I mean 'it'. The anger. If he didn't care so much he wouldn't be so hurt, and he certainly wouldn't be tearing my bag apart."
She looked down at her hands. "I don't know how to take it back... I tried to apologize but it didn't help...."
He patted her knee. "Now, now, Kathryn. Give him some time. And think about what's really going on here, take a moment to see what's in front of you. You can't fix this, not just yet."
Kathryn thought about what he was saying. As hard as it was to admit, it appeared as though she couldn't fix this. She didn't like it, but he was right. Her heart ached for the man in the other room ....
"Thank you, Boothby. Would you do something for me?"
"Of course."
"Would you just keep an eye on him for me? Make sure he doesn't hurt himself tonight? Do something rash, like get in the ring so that someone can beat him bloody?"
"Well, I can't promise he won't be beaten up but I'll keep watch. He'll be fine, don't you worry."
"I don't think I can do that."
"Kathryn, you just take extra good care of yourself right now. He needs you, too."
She looked at him and stood to go. "Chakotay was very smart to have you here with him. Thank you for ... well, for being his friend. And mine."
Boothby smiled at her.
Kathryn walked out of the gym and went back to her quarters, to clean up dinner, to take a shower, curl up with a pillow and a good book. After she did all that she told the computer to dim the lights and cried herself to sleep.
The next morning everything hit the fan. The hull damaging virus' were discovered, Tal's involvement, Harry's disobeyance. At the end of the security meeting, Kathryn ordered Harry to sick bay so that the doctor could give him the treatment to "cure" him of his heart sickness. Harry argued with her on the bridge and she ordered him to her ready room, furious. Chakotay stood up, thinking he should follow and try to support Harry, then thought better of it. Harry can defend himself.
........"Captain, have you ever been in love?!" Harry said in anguish.
"Your point?!"
"Haven't you ever felt your skin flush when you're next to someone, felt a knife in your stomach, twisting and twisting when you're apart??"
Chakotay... came flying into her mind.
"Just for the sake of argument, let's say I know what you're talking about. That I've felt that for ..... what, ... the man I was going to marry? Well, I lost him, and you're going to lose Tal. The doctor's treatment is to help you recover from that..." Chakotay....
"Captain, the man you were going to marry... if someone had said they can just give you a hypo-spray and you wouldn't feel any of the pain, would you do that?!"
... Chakotay... was all she could think.
"Captain to the Bridge" came Chakotay's voice.
"I'm on my way."
Later that evening, sitting in her quarters, she was finishing up her supplemental log entry to complete the record of their contact with the Varro. After describing the situation, she ended the entry. Then, after a moment turned the captain's log program back on.
"Captain's log. Secondary supplemental. Confidential for Starfleet personnel management. I wish to comment, again, on the matter of Commander Chakotay's status with Starfleet. He joined this crew in the most dire of circumstances and has worked tirelessly to integrate the Maquis into the Starfleet structure. We are one crew, a Starfleet crew, and most of the credit goes to the Commander. He has shown courage to the extreme, loyalty to Voyager and an unswerving dedication to our mission. As well as constant support for me. I am honored to have him as my First Officer. The crew respects his leadership, friendship and bravery. I hereby recommend that he be reinstated officially in Starfleet to permanent rank of Commander, that the arrest warrant be deleted from his records, and that he receive the highest award for valor when we return to Earth. I will be making my recommendation personally to the Admiral at that time."
It was the best she could do for him at the moment. If they ever got back home, no, when they got back home, he could make his choice with a clean record. If she had anything to say about it, he would have a clean record. Not that it would help him, help the two of them, work things out now, right here.
"Janeway to Commander Chakotay" she tapped her comm.
"Yes, Captain."
She hesitated. "Chakotay, may I come to your quarters and speak with you?"
"Of course."
Her heart skipped a beat. "I'm on my way." she tapped her comm again.
When the door to his quarters opened she could see that he had been working. Surprised that he wasn't using his office, she then noticed he didn't have on his uniform but some casual clothes, tan pants, blue shirt, no shoes. He was standing next to his work table, hands clasped behind his back.
"What can I do for you, Captain?"
She sighed. "Well, for a start Chakotay you can stop being so formal. No, let me rephrase that. Would you please stop being so formal for me? For us? I would like that, would you?"
He stared at her for a minute, then slowly softened his face. She felt the wall just ever so slightly fading right then. "I think I might be able to manage that." His eyes even had a very little twinkle in them she was sure. She walked directly up to him and stood a foot away. He didn't back off. She reached in and took his hand in hers. He didn't flinch but slowly closed his fingers around hers. She led him to his couch. They sat.
She wasn't sure she would be able to find the right words but knew she had to try. "Chakotay, what I said to you last night..."
"Kathryn..."
"No - let me finish, please. I have to say this to you. What I said last night was a complete lie on my part. I have never ever wanted you to keep your mouth shut around me, well almost never.." she smiled, "but certainly not when it involves, I don't know how to put this, what you see in me. If you think I have other motivations, I need you to tell me. I may not like to hear them, and God knows I usually don't, but I need to hear them. I need to hear them from you, because you are the one whose opinion matters most to me..." she looked down at their hands still entwined. "I think that you hit it right on the money, Chakotay. I was angry at Harry and disappointed in him, but now that he and I have talked I realize that his situation was a little too close to home for me. If I have to abide by certain, parameters, then why doesn't he? And if he can so clearly choose to disregard them, why can't I? And sort of around and around like that, if you know what I mean...." she sort of trailed off, unsure how to continue.
Chakotay put his other hand on top of hers and stroked her fingers, still tightly clenched. He looked at their hands together, his heart aching.
"Chakotay, I need to say one other thing. I am truly so very sorry for hurting you like I did. I lashed out at you and that wasn't fair of me. And if I could take it back I would, in a nanosecond. But I can't and I'll have to live with that. I would do anything to have not hurt you like that..." she felt the tears coming back and fought to regain her composure, taking deep breaths.
He met her eyes directly and deeply for the first time. "Kathryn, I'm not sure how I feel tonight. I don't know how much more of this I can take, to be honest. To see you every day, to work side by side with you, to spend free time with you, candlelit dinners, hoverball, all of it. And to know that I need to keep myself over here while you're just on the other side over there ... I just don't know if I can do it any more. It sort of all came pouring out of me last night at the gym. And now I feel ... a little mixed up. Unsure of how soft the ground is..." He looked back down.
Kathryn's heart raced. No, Chakotay, don't go... She longed to reach over and pull him toward her but was afraid. Then she thought of Harry, and their argument. It wasn't Mark she was thinking of then but this man sitting next to her. And he wasn't gone, at least not yet. All she had to do was open her heart to him.
She extracted her hand from his and reached up to his face, stroking his skin, his hair, his neck. "Chako..." her words were stopped by his lips on hers. Her heart ceased beating for a moment, then pounded against her ribs. She returned the kiss and as it deepened the longing they had kept in check simply overwhelmed them. Their arms wrapped around each other as they fell onto the couch. He was slightly on top of her, their legs were entwining, their bodies pressing together, their kisses deep and full of love....
He broke contact and murmured in her ear, "Kathryn, please... I love you... with all of my heart I love you... we can't start something that won't be continued. I can't take it..."
She heard the heartbreaking anguish coming from deep inside him. She began to cry, stroking his hair and his back. "I'm so sorry. I love you, too...I don't want to stop anything, I want to love you... and be with you. Please Chakotay, don't give up on me...."
He lifted his head to look directly into her eyes. He wiped the tears from her cheeks. "You mean that, Kathryn? Because I'm ready to give you everything if you'll only take it. I promise." She looked at him with those blue eyes of hers and he felt his heart constrict.
"Yes, I mean it. I gladly accept everything you can give me, under one condition. No parameters, just a small condition. You must accept everything I want to give you. I love you ... with all of my heart. I promise."
He leaned in and their mouths met again, opening to each other, their breath mixing with sighs and soft moans.
She broke contact this time. "Agreed?" she flashed that grin of hers. That one. How many times over the years had it driven him crazy? Gods above, he loved this woman...
"Agreed." He gave her the smile that she knew almost better than her own, the one that melted her heart. Always had. And with a rush of happiness she realized it always would.
The next morning Chakotay awoke with the expectation, somewhere deep inside of him, that she would be gone. The whole thing had to be a dream, he couldn't imagine that she really, really had come to him... at last. His eyes were still closed. He felt the bed move slightly and a hand travel across his chest then Kathryn as she wrapped herself around him, her head on his shoulder, her leg across his own. It wasn't a dream. He remembered the joy he felt making love with her, how their bodies fit together, their souls entwined. He was overcome with emotion. He wrapped his arms around her and held her, tears rolling out of his eyes.
Thank you...
End.
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