Kathryn's heart began to beat erratically as she felt the warmth of his hand against her face, could almost feel his pulse in the fingertips. Her eyes locked with his involuntarily, the depth of brown drawing her down nearly against her will. Suddenly she saw the change there and her heart crashed against her ribs, hard. He was going to kiss her. She wasn't going to stop him.
His warm lips brushed over hers softly, gently until she responded, then he really kissed her, increasing the pressure. Again she responded, her heart now pounding, her body betraying her on every level as their lips moved together and his hand traveled into her hair.
Just as suddenly as the first change occurred, they stopped abruptly and pulled back, looking at each other in surprise. IT had happened. Kathryn slowly brought her hand up his chest to the back of his head, never losing eye contact, and pulled. Chakotay went with it willingly and took her completely unresistant mouth with a moan. Their lips parted quickly and their tongues met, then roamed, tasting, exciting them both as they fell deeper and deeper into each other. Arms pulled tightly, their bodies coming together, the ache of supressed longing manifesting in low moans far down in their throats.
The door chimed. And with it reality returned to Kathryn, that horrifying, sickening reality. She pushed Chakotay away and scrambled off the couch, breathing heavily, frantically running her hands through her hair and heading for the door.
"Kathryn!" He called desperately, knowing with a sinking heart she'd be gone in less than five seconds. Sure enough, the ready room door opened and she bolted, leaving a staring Vulcan in her wake. Chakotay dropped his head in his hands.
Again the ship was a blur to Kathryn until she was sitting at Chakotay's desk. Not her desk. His. Instantly she regretted choosing to return to her duty shift. He was everywhere in here. His artifacts on the walls. His padds on the desk. The slightly musky scent of his, spicy, a little sweet, a little like the forest, permeated her nostrils. Though that might have been an aftereffect of his face pressed into hers five minutes before. Damn, she almost screamed. Why the hell did I do that?! Well, dinner was definitely out, no question about it. She opened his console to send a memo to him to that effect. Though her fingers paused before tapping the send command, then dropped to the desktop without completing the task. The door chimed.
"Computer, identify person at this door."
"Ensigns Timora and Cro'll at the First Officer's door" was the response.
She felt a nanosecond of disappointment then kicked herself for it. "Come in."
In walked Alice Timora and her fiancé Girv Cro'll, not looking very happy. "Excuse us, Captain, but do you have any time available at the moment," Alice asked her.
"Time available?" Kathryn wasn't clear what they were wanting of her.
"I apologize, I'm used to speaking with the Commander. We've been talking with him off and on over the last two months or so whenever we needed to. We really need some time to talk with the First Officer again, as soon as possible. Hopefully now. Ma'am." The two continued to stand at attention.
"At ease, ensigns, my turn to apologize," Kathryn waved them to the chairs. She really didn't want to deal with this, but then again, the meeting earlier had gone well with Wilder and Hollingsworth. She could handle whatever this was. Hopefully smiling sincerely she encouraged them, "So. What did you need to talk about?"
Alice continued to be the one taking the lead. "Well, Captain, as you know we're going to be getting married in a few weeks. And so, we're having some problems with two decisions that need to be made. The Commander has been acting sort of as a mediator, helping us." Alice had convinced Girv to come and speak with the Captain, though she, too had reservations about how the woman would handle this role. Talking with Commander Chakotay was always so easy, he listened so well, and could point out to them where their communication broke down. She took a deep breath. "One problem we have is over what Lieutenant Paris calls the bachelor party. He's been encouraging Girv to have one and I think it is a barbaric custom."
Girv stared at Alice with an indefinable emotion, then returned his eyes to Kathryn.
"I'm afraid I don't know what a bachelor party is, exactly. Can either of you enlighten me?"
They both started talking almost at once, and slowly Kathryn extracted what seemed to be the pertinent facts about the party. She agreed with Alice. It sounded quite barbaric. "Leave it to me, I will speak with Lieutenant Paris. There will be no bachelor party on this ship. What's the other problem?"
Neither of them felt comfortable with the decision, though Alice was somewhat appeased at the support. She knew, however, that Girv was going to be very angry and wasn't looking forward to leaving this office. She felt stuck. "The other problem is a bit more personal. It has to do with the decision to have children, or not. We're not expecting anyone to make it for us, but it partly has to do with whether we're ever going to really get home. Should we wait to raise a child in the Alpha Quadrant or should we go ahead and follow through with it here?"
Kathryn was taken completely aback. She had no idea how to answer this question. Her emotions were still not quite under control and she felt the beginnings of tears welling in her eyes. She screamed at herself to stop them, she closed her eyes and took a long, slow, deep breath until she could focus once again on the couple in front of her. She saw the concern in their faces and tried to ignore it. "As I understand what you're asking, will this ship ever actually get home in time for you to have children there, correct?" They nodded. "I don't exactly know how to answer that. I'm trying everything I can think of to accomplish that. And...well, Naomi seems to be thriving. It's a joy for all of us to have her around, you know..." She tried to think of what Chakotay might say to them. "The Commander said something to me once, a long time ago, and maybe it will help you. He believed that it was important to put his energies into making the here and now the best he could, and not to concentrate on a future that may never come." She took another breath to still what was threatening again. "I think that's very good advice."
Alice looked at Girv who returned the look. Kathryn watched them silently communicating, seeing the understanding pass back and forth, feeling her heart hurt from the jealousy of it. "Is there anything else I can help you with?"
They stood. "No, thank you, Captain. We'll see you about the ceremony in a few weeks," Alice said warmly.
"I look forward to it," she answered, rising as they walked out. Sitting again, she felt completely drained. A headache was hovering just outside, waiting to pounce. Perhaps a result of caffeine withdrawal, she wasn't sure. All she knew is that she wanted to go to her quarters, take a hot shower, make some comfort food and curl up with her book. Alone. Alone. She looked at the memo waiting for her send command. She tapped it and shut the console.
The door chimed. God, she thought, doesn't this office ever stay quiet?
"Come in," she said automatically.
B'Elanna walked in, handing her a padd in the process. "The latest diagnostics on the bio-neural circuitry were run this afternoon. Here is the recommendation. The Captain will want this added to Joe's report."
Kathryn took it and dropped it unceremoniously on the desk. "Thank you, B'Elanna, I'll be sure the Captain gets the summary," she said more sarcastically than she intended. She rubbed her forehead and tried the breathing thing again. "I apologize, lieutenant."
B'Elanna crossed her arms in front of her and studied Kathryn. "Bad day?"
Kathryn could detect no hostility in the question. "Not the job. Personal. Although I do have to admit, Chakotay may have a point in complaining every once in awhile," she tried to smile but could tell it didn't quite make it. Suddenly she knew that her fight with the tears was about to be lost. She turned to the viewports and willed them back down.
"Would you like to talk about it, Captain? Maybe it would help. You know, Chakotay has a rule for this office. Nothing goes out that door. That holds for the occupant as well," B'Elanna said softly. She dropped her arms and sat down on the couch. "Why don't you sit here with me? I promise....I'll hold no judgments, consider it a return favor."
Kathryn wiped her cheeks quickly. "Return favor?" she said as she came around the desk and sat, crossing her legs and leaning back with a sigh.
"Well, you did give me this dream job," B'Elanna replied with a small chuckle.
"Yeah, find adventure in the Delta Quadrant. Lose your life." Kathryn paused. "I'm sorry..."
"Really bad day. Permission to speak freely?" Her commanding officer nodded. "I have a feeling it has to do with a certain dark haired Maquis captain."
"Why ever would you say that..."
"Oh, I don't know, call me psychic. What did he do now? Gloat?"
Kathryn studied her hands. She was tired of figuring all of this out herself. "Woman to woman? No rank?" B'Elanna nodded. "He kissed me."
The Klingon ridges rose up to her hairline as B'Elanna's eyes widened. "And...let me see...this was bad because..." She studied the woman sitting next to her fighting tears. "Kahless, it was the first time, wasn't it? But why is it making you cry? Was it horrible? Disappointing? I can't imagine that, personally..."
Kathryn laughed softly. "No, it wasn't the least bit horrible or disappointing. Quite the contrary actually. It was overwhelming. Wonderful. And completely wrong. It would never have happened if we hadn't done this stupid dare thing..."
"You mean he took advantage of the change of roles? That doesn't sound like Chakotay. He wouldn't do that. He loves y..." She bit down on her lip. "Damn, I'm sorry."
"It's okay, I've always assumed he talked it over with you. No secret. I know he's in love with me. That's part of the problem. I never should have taken you up on this dare. Never. Stupid, stupid, stupid..."
"Wait a minute. Let's back up. Why again are you crying? Because I don't want to hear the bullshit about the command structure falling apart if the two of you admit you love each other, or how the crew won't be able to handle it, or how Starfleet will kill you both, I really don't want to hear it. Why is Kathryn crying because the man she loves kissed her and it was wonderful?"
"You're assuming I do."
B'Elanna just stared at her.
"Okay, I give in. I do. More than I can even admit to myself. Have for a long time. And I don't think I can fully explain why I feel so ... despondent right now. Maybe because I ran out, maybe I just don't feel like I have the ability to handle it, maybe because I don't want to hurt him. Any more than I already have...." Again Kathryn felt her eyes filling. This time she let some fall, thinking it would help calm them overall. She was wiping her cheeks when the door chimed. "Damn it! This door never stops!"
"Don't answer it."
"B'Elanna! I have to." She sat up straight and tried to compose herself. "Come in."
The door opened and Chakotay stepped in then stopped at the sight before him. Kathryn felt her heart jump into her throat seeing him. B'Elanna stood up and looked at her. "Do you want me to leave?"
"No, you don't have to."
Chakotay put his hands on his hips. "Kathryn, I'd like to talk to you. In private."
B'Elanna watched them staring at each other, the intensity of the emotions passing back and forth palpable. She had the urge to slap them both. "I think it would be better if I left..."
"NO. B'Elanna, you can stay. We were talking," Kathryn implored her. She sat.
"Kathryn..." Chakotay asked her to look at him again. When he finally met her eyes he continued, "we need to talk. The sooner the better. I would prefer not to have an audience, but B'Elanna's presence is not going to stop me from saying what I came to say. Your choice."
Kathryn right then wished she were anywhere but there. She sighed. "Fine. Say what you came to say," she said quietly.
Chakotay took a chair and placed it directly in front of her, sitting, never losing eye contact. He leaned his elbows on his knees and clasped his hands. "I'm sorry. I'm not sorry that I kissed you but I apologize for the circumstances surrounding it. I don't know what happened, or why it happened, but I do know it had nothing to do with the dare, not directly. I didn't do it because I saw you as subordinate to me and thought I could get away with it. I want you to believe that. Can you?"
Kathryn looked at the earnestness in his face and thought her heart would break. No words would form. She nodded.
Chakotay exhaled. "Thank you, Kathryn. I confess, the dare did play into what happened a bit. I...I wanted you to know what it was like to have someone touch you, someone that you care deeply for, to have that person able to touch you whenever they want. And you can't touch them back. I wasn't trying to be hurtful, I just wanted you to know what that was like. How hard it is. I think that perhaps taking that barrier away between us, well, allowed the kiss to happen. I'm not sorry it did. Not at all." He waited to see if she had any response. She merely continued to look at him, the depth of blue in her eyes pulling him in. He gave himself a mental shake. "Now, would you please keep our dinner date? I'll cook anything you want."
She couldn't do it. She just couldn't. She braced herself. "No, I don't think so. Tomorrow night. Not tonight." And here it came, she saw the disappointment in his eyes, the frustration, the hurt. No stoic face could mask it.
He stood, his mind racing, a million arguments calling at once. "Fine. Good night." It was all he could manage to say. As the doors closed behind him his shoulders slumped and he took a deep breath.
"Chakotay," B'Elanna's voice was right behind him.
He turned and jumped on her, "Don't say it, B'El, I don't want to hear it!"
"Say what?"
"I'm a complete idiot, I blew it, I should go throw myself out an airlock..."
"I wasn't going to say that, not at all. I was going to say give her another chance. Don't stop trying."
"Why? What did she tell you?"
"You know I can't say, I promised her the Chakotay rule would apply to her, too. Just give her a little time. She's thrown."
"Time is the only thing she ever lets me give her," he spat out before stalking down the corridor to the turbolift.
Kathryn sat in her easy chair, her legs curled under, a glass of synthehol on the table and a new book on her lap. The hot shower she took had almost used up her water replicator rations for the week but she didn't care. She was comfortable, and getting closer to heading for bed with each page she read. The book was an historical romance recommended by B'Elanna, set after the wars when people were trying to rebuild their lives and their communities. An heroic man arrives in a town where an equally heroic woman is trying to bring three disparate groups together. He sweeps her off her feet and settles there with her, vowing to be by her side always. Kathryn knew within the first five pages why B'El had given it to her, but either way it was a steamy page turner and would be going to bed with Kathryn. The door chimed.
Her heart skipped a beat. There was only one person who would come to her quarters at almost 2200 hours. She decided to remain in her chair, wanting the protectiveness of it. She made certain her robe was tightly cinched. "Come in." She finally called.
Chakotay walked in, wearing off duty clothing of a simple shirt and brown pants. He was softly smiling. "I apologize for coming by so late, Kathryn. May I sit?"
"Of course, Chakotay, I'm sorry. Please. Sit."
He perched himself on the couch. "I think that perhaps we should call off the dare. As of tomorrow. Go back to our real jobs."
She was surprised. "Why?"
"So that things can return to normal. Maybe it would help you feel better," he said sincerely.
He certainly did have a knack for making it extraordinarily difficult to keep her feelings for him in check, she thought idly. "You're being too nice to me again..."
"And that's a bad thing?" he teased.
She sighed, smiling. "No, not usually. But in this case, I don't think I want to change back, not right now. I'll admit that the first officer's job is tougher than I envisioned. But I don't want to be captain tomorrow. We can call off the dare, but I'd like to remain where I am. Just one more day."
"My turn. Why?"
"Off the top of my very tired head, two reasons. One, I am enjoying the break from total responsibility. Two, sitting in your chair is giving me a chance to, well, know you a little better. To see first hand how you do your job." She continued quietly, "I feel closer to you because of it."
Chakotay was completely taken aback. B'Elanna's words came back to him. "I have to say that I'm surprised." He was also faced with a dilemma. "So that means that you still want me to be your superior officer?"
Kathryn studied him, knowing there was something else, deciding if she wanted to pursue it. Her curiosity won out. "Yes, I don't mind it for another day or so. What are you keeping from me?"
He sighed, "Now, don't take this the wrong way, please. And I really meant it when I suggested we change to help you out. This other part I thought we could deal with together either way," he paused, "Alice and Girv came to see me after your meeting. Kathryn, we're going to have to find another way to deal with this bachelor party idea. You can't just order Tom not to do it."
"Why ever not? It was a problem, Tom needs to be reigned in sometimes and this is one of them."
"In your opinion. What you missed, and I think I understand why, is the ramification to Alice and Girv's relationship by just ordering the party away. Girv wanted it. Alice didn't. He loses. She wins. He resents it. She's stuck in the middle. The job of the first officer on this ship, as the only type of counselor we have, is to help them find a solution. Hell, to help everyone find a solution to whatever problem their having. We can't afford hard feelings here, as you know. No transfers allowed." He looked to see how she was reacting.
She put her bookmark in and closed the book, picking up the sash of her robe and fiddling with it. "So it sounds as though I'm not the best person to counsel," she said quietly. Once more tears threatened, even though she had given herself a good cry in the shower. "Not surprising really, considering..."
"Now, Kathryn, that's not true. Not true at all. You've helped many people on this ship get through some tough times. It's just a different mindset in that office. I think that... well, that you need to look at every person coming through the door as a friend, whether they are or not. Rank is unimportant to a certain extent. You're wonderful with those you consider friends..." He stopped because he could see that she was unsuccessfully trying not to cry. He couldn't take it. He leaned forward and took her hands, pulling gently. "Come over here, please, just let me hold you, I promise I'll be good," he smiled softly.
Right then Kathryn didn't have the energy to resist and honestly wanted the comfort. She got up and let him pull her to him, curling herself on the couch inside his arms, letting her head fall onto his chest, listening to his heartbeat, feeling safe and secure. Her tears abated.
"See, Kathryn, you need a hug sometimes just like the rest of us," Chakotay said quietly into her hair.
"Well, who gives one to you?" She regretted the question as soon as it was out of her mouth.
"No one," he chuckled, "Though this is doing the trick for me, too. Giving comfort is sometimes just as good as getting it, don't you think?"
She placed her free hand on his stomach and slid it around him as far as it would go, squeezing lightly as she did it. "How's that," she asked, unconsciously snuggling into him.
"You can't see the smile on my face, can you," he answered, wishing he could sit like this with her every night. "Now if I can be brave enough, I want to tell you about the rest of the conversation I had with Alice and Girv, ok?" She nodded. "They told me what you said, regarding them having a child here or waiting. It meant a lot to them."
"But that didn't come from me, it came from you."
"True, the actual advice did, but what meant a lot was that they could see you were sharing something personal. They trust implicitly that you're doing everything you can to get them home, but it was the first time they'd ever seen Kathryn. They know that having a child here will be a decision supported all the way to the top. Does that make sense?"
"Yes, it just surprises me."
"It shouldn't. Letting Kathryn out every once in awhile for the crew to see can only be a good thing. And by the way, you sharing what I said meant a lot to me, too. I thought you had long forgotten it."
"Chakotay, I remember everything you've said to me." She felt saddened that he didn't know that. He pulled her more tightly to him and she heard the sigh from inside his chest. "I just wish I could follow the advice as well."
Chakotay's heart began to flutter. He knew they were stepping onto dangerous ground, where no amount of rules and regulations would help them. "What would you do if you could?"
Kathryn was quiet for a minute. "I wouldn't run out of the room the next time we kissed. I would tell you how much I love you and damn the consequences ... I would spend days by your side and evenings just like this and nights together with you..." This time when tears came she couldn't stop them and the tighter he held her the more they flowed.
"I'm sorry, Kathryn...I'm so sorry..." He kissed her hair to keep his own tears in check, wanting to pick her up and carry her to bed, crawl under the covers with her and hold her all night. He murmured words of comfort as best he could, overwhelmed by not only the pain the day had caused her, but the trust she was showing him now.
Eventually the onslaught ended, and Kathryn did her best to clean up her face with her sleeve, feeling that something had shifted inside, something important. "Damn it, I've cried more today than I have the past 2 years combined. Your shirt is soaked," she said, idly smoothing out the fabric, sitting up straighter and putting her head back down on a dry part of his shoulder. She didn't want to move. Her hand seemed to have almost its own agenda, needing to feel Chakotay. It roamed over his chest.
"I don't mind the wet," he answered as he grabbed her hand gently, "but I don't think I can handle that..."
She smiled to herself, moving her hand inside his until she could interlace their fingers together, enjoying the feel of his skin on hers, pulling his hand to her mouth, kissing it softly, studying it closely. She had always thought he had the nicest hands, strong, golden, sure in whatever task they did.
"Kathryn, what's going on?"
"Why don't you have any wrinkles on your hands? We're about the same age, and I do..."
"And you're not answering my question. It's genetics. My race doesn't age as quickly as Caucasians. My father always looked about 10 years younger than he was, my mother, too." Chakotay looked down at her, not quite sure about the unspoken signals he was getting. She clearly had no intention of getting up or moving away from him. Rather she seemed to be settling in. Not that he minded. He tried another tack. "So, it's getting late, don't you think?"
"Yes, it is. Very very late. Almost too."
"Too?" He was confused.
"Too late. Almost too late..." Again she started kissing his hand.
"Okay, I'll bite. Are you talking about you and me?" Take the bull by the horns, Chakotay, he said to himself.
"And if I were, it would sound as though I think it's not too late, wouldn't it?"
"Yes, I'd agree, if you were, that's what it would sound like. But then it would directly contradict what you said earlier. You implied that you couldn't do what you wanted with me. So how would you explain the contradiction?"
"Captain's prerogative to come to her senses in the midst of a flow of tears?" She sat up straight, pulling away from him to meet his eyes. She watched the surprise, then hope, then wariness flicker across his face.
"Well, perhaps she should sleep on it for tonight and see how her decision looks in the light of day, so to speak." He looked at her seriously. He needed firm ground with her before they took one step further.
Kathryn thought for a moment or two. "Okay, that seems fair, though I highly doubt I will change my mind, Chakotay. I don't plan on hurting you any more, at least not over this," she hesitated, "I love you." There, she had said it, and the ship was still moving, the warp drive was still on line. She smiled fully.
The room turned completely upside down in Chakotay's head. He leaned forward and met her mouth with his, kissing her as slowly as he could with her giving everything to it, fighting the overwhelming urge to let years of longing take control. Their lips parted once more, once more their tongues danced together, once more soft moans came from the back of their throats. Again, Kathryn got her arms around his neck, pushing him back against the couch and again his arms wrapped around her almost against his will. The longing, the yearning, the all encompassing desire had them. Chakotay was losing the battle quickly, a battle Kathryn had already given up. She was moving against him, her hands in his hair, her mouth working on his fervently.
He stopped with great effort, opening his eyes, taking in the sight of her with a flushed face, bright eyes, lips slightly parted, looking as beautiful as he had ever seen her.
"Why did you stop," she asked.
"Because. You're going to bed, I'm going back to my quarters. I want you to sleep on this. I need you to be absolutely certain, because there's no going back once we proceed. No way. I know that's probably the biggest reason you've kept me at bay all these years. So be sure, Kathryn. Please. For me."
"I already am, but I'll sleep on it. For you."
Kathryn sat at Chakotay's desk with a much blessed cup of coffee, sorting more padds, getting the hang of wording the summaries as succinctly as he did. She had spent some time upon arriving poking through his drawers, finding any number of interesting things to look at. A few older padds with shore leave rotation schedules on them which would come in very handy that afternoon was the best find.
The most emotional was a framed image of the two of them from years back, taken on the holodeck. It was a candid photo, they were sitting on the sand with Tom and Harry, she was shoving what was hopefully food into Chakotay's mouth, laughing along with him and Tom. Stuck inside the frame was a piece of the lai's they wore that day, lovely flowers that Tom had replicated for everyone. Neelix must have taken the image. She had never seen it before. She put it on top of the desk where she could look at it freely.
The door chimed as she was just finishing the report on energy requirements for a new cookstove Neelix wanted to build. "Come in," she called.
Chakotay entered and this time her heart leapt into her throat in happiness. "Good morning, Kathryn," he said with a full dimpled smile.
"Good morning, Captain." She smiled in return.
"No dare today, no titles, ok?" He sat.
"All right. Good morning, Chakotay. How are you today?"
"Very well, thank you," he replied with a small wink. "You look exceptionally well rested. Sleep well?"
"Actually I did, even though I was sleeping on something that could have given me insomnia. What do I owe this pleasure to?"
Chakotay could see that she wasn't about to give him her answer, perhaps it was the office setting, perhaps she just wasn't ready. He dropped the first purpose and went with his second reason for coming down here to see her. "I wanted to show you some old shore leave rotation schedules that I keep in the desk," he got up and came around to her side, "that I use as a starting point." He saw the framed image. "Oh, I see you probably already found them?"
"Yes, I did, thank you. I didn't realize you had them, here I thought you were being so creative each time," she teased.
"Hey, I am. Those are just a framework. Wait, you'll see." He leaned on the desk next to her and picked up the frame. "However, this I prefer in the drawer," he opened the desk and dropped it in. "I don't allow anyone else to see it." He folded his arms across his chest.
Kathryn opened the desk and pulled it back out. "Well, I want to look at it, and I believe this office is mine today." She put it back where she could see it.
"Yes, but the image is not yours, it's mine." He grabbed it again, but held on to it.
She locked eyes with him, contemplating. "Was there another reason for this visit?" She planned to try some distraction.
"Actually there was one more thing, Kathryn. I told Alice and Girv that you and I would meet with them to come up with a solution to the bachelor party situation. They are available this morning, they're both on beta shift starting today. Do you have some time?"
The door chimed.
"I do, yes, though I did have other plans for it..." She gave him a significant look, causing, unbeknownst to her, Chakotay's heart to start fluttering again.
The door chimed a second time. "Come in," she called, smiling at him.
B'Elanna walked in with a padd in her hand and after looking at each of them in turn, folded her arms. "Am I interrupting anything?"
"Not at all B'Elanna," Kathryn answered, "I have something from Neelix I'd like you to look over, I'm glad you stopped by." She turned to Chakotay standing a foot away. "Why don't you go find Alice and Girv, and we can have that meeting?" She smiled serenely at him.
Chakotay looked at her closely. "Are you sure, Kathryn?"
"Yes. I'd like to talk with B'Elanna in private. Give us about fifteen minutes at least?"
"Kathryn..."
She interrupted him, chuckling to herself. He really didn't want her talking with B'Elanna. "Really, Chakotay, it'll be fine. I'd like her input."
"Input? If you're talking about what I think you're talking about, I fail to see, excuse me B'El, what significance her input would have..." He stared at her.
"Are you afraid she's going to tell me something about you that might, I don't know, affect how I think of you? I'm sure she only has glowing things to say, don't worry. Besides, I may not want to talk about what you think I do."
B'Elanna was beginning to regret she didn't take that second cup of coffee. Most of this was going completely over her head.
Chakotay stared at her hard one more time. He opened the desk drawer and dropped the frame in, closing it firmly. "Fine. I'll go. That stays, do you understand me?"
Kathryn smiled at him. "I understand that's what you'd like, yes."
Chakotay wanted to grab her head and kiss her deeply, just to wipe that enigmatic smile off her face. He chuckled to himself at the picture and turned to leave. "I give. I'll be back in about fifteen or twenty minutes, with company. B'Elanna, good morning, I trust you're well this morning, as is Tom?"
"Yes, thanks, Chakotay. See you later," she said as he nodded and left.
As soon as the doors shut, Kathryn began to laugh.
"Captain? Are you all right?"
"Oh, just fine, sit down on the couch, I wanted to tell you what happened and ask you a question," she said as she opened the drawer and took out the frame, putting it on the table by the couch before sitting. "I'm just trying to drive him crazy this morning. Serves him right," she smiled.
"Is that the thing he wanted kept in the desk?" B'Elanna looked at the image, smiling to herself, marveling at how that big tough Maquis warrior was so sentimental. "He's such a softie, isn't he?"
"Yes, he is. You must have some interesting facts about his past for him to be so nervous about our talking," Kathryn chuckled. "He thinks I'm making a decision about us, that I'm actually still thinking about it..." She proceeded to fill B'Elanna in on the evening before, watching the woman's face break into a very wide smile as she heard it. "So I take it you approve?"
"You don't need my approval, Captain, I'm sure."
"Well, you are the person closest to him, his only family. And, I'd like to know if you think the crew is going to be uncomfortable with it. That's the input I need from you."
"Oh goodness, there'll be some who will think badly, but on the whole, they only have respect for both of you. Don't worry about that. And in terms of Chakotay, and me, he's wanted to be able to love you for so long, I want that for him, too. I couldn't be happier. Now, if you break his heart, I'll come after you, Captain or not."
"Thanks B'Elanna, that's exactly what I wanted to hear."
"You are going to tell him sometime today, aren't you?"
"He's the one who wanted to put me off, but yes, I have a plan in mind of how to tell him," she said with a small grin.
The door opened and in walked Chakotay in the company of Girv and Alice. Kathryn directed the ensigns to occupy the couch and Chakotay to join her in the chairs she placed. She watched all three people look at the framed image left in full view on the table. Alice and Girv smiled, Chakotay turned to her and gave her a small glare.
She reached over and patted his knee. "Now, I thought you were the one who said the crew needs to see us as people more?"
He stared at her. He couldn't believe she would act this way. He glanced at the crew members. They appeared a bit surprised but nothing more.
"So," Kathryn turned to the couch, "I understand we need to try this again, to come to a better resolution than the first one." She wasn't about to apologize but felt the need to say something conciliatory. "Why don't we start by hearing from each of you. Why do you want this party, or why don't you." She looked at Chakotay who smiled and nodded in approval.
This time Girv spoke up first. "Well, Captain, Commander, I thought Tom's idea sounded like fun, harmless fun, and since it's my party I thought I could have whatever I wanted. I thought that was the point of it."
"But it's not harmless, Girv, it's...offensive. Holographic women who are going to dance seductively around you? How do you think that makes me feel?" Alice's voice was rising, clearly they hadn't reached any agreement about the subject on their own.
"It's not your party." Girv stared at her.
Chakotay looked at Kathryn, to see if she would jump in. Seeing nothing, he did. "Girv, can you take, say, two minutes and try and put yourself in Alice's position? Can you see how this might encourage her to feel some insecurity? It's a little threatening to have someone you love being deliberately seduced, for fun or not." He felt Kathryn look quickly at him, but he ignored it, focusing on the young man instead.
"Well, I guess I can understand that."
"How would you feel if she did the same thing? She and her friends made some holographic men to dance seductively around her, as a celebration of marrying you?" Chakotay asked him again.
"I wouldn't like it, I'll admit that. But, Commander, you're a man, you know what Tom's proposing is only in fun," Girv pleaded for some male bonding.
"My opinion isn't important," Chakotay answered.
Kathryn turned to him, "Well, I'm curious, Chakotay. Is this the kind of thing you want for your bachelor party?" Again, she was smiling serenely at him. Again, he stared at her.
"Captain, that's irrelevant," he said pointedly. He could feel the eyes of their ensigns watching every move.
She faced forward again. "Girv, it's nice to hear that you can see Alice's perspective. Alice, can you return the favor for your fiancé?"
"I don't know, Captain, I have a difficult time seeing this as being okay..."
"Maybe not seeing it as okay, but as something he doesn't want someone else to decide for him. I don't know you very well, unfortunately, but I don't like someone else making decisions for me. I can get quite obstinate," she turned again to the man next to her, "can't I?"
He didn't have any idea what she was doing. He tried to think of a noncommittal response but couldn't. Fine, he thought, she wanted candor, she'd get it. "Yes, you can. But you are the Captain, and you're allowed. It's necessary to maintain order."
"I believe that personally, as well, one might say I'm a little obstinate once my mind is made up." She smiled.
"I really don't see what that has to do with this session."
"You're right. I hope that you two," she directed this at Girv and Alice, "see that things can always be worked out, with some respect for your partner and consideration for their point of view. And excuse me," she looked back to Chakotay, "for being personal, but I believe when I get married, I will trust that my soon-to-be husband loves me." She paused and turned once more to the couch. "If he wants this type of party I won't stop him, because I know that he would never do anything to deliberately hurt me. Just as I would never do anything deliberate to hurt him either." She smiled again, and glanced at Chakotay, whose deep brown eyes were staring at her. Even as she gave her attention to the ensigns, she could feel it.
"Do you both understand what I'm saying? Alice, do you think that you can trust Girv, though you feel the party is barbaric and threatening? Can you try for, I don't know, a day or so? See how it feels tomorrow?"
"I'm willing to give it a try, Captain," Alice answered, looking at her fiancé. Girv took her hand and smiled.
"Girv, do you think you can figure out a way to reassure Alice that her fears are unfounded? Something in the party you might be willing to change, like, say the dancers don't touch you, or stay a certain distance away, and commit to that?"
"Yes...I think I would be willing to do that, for Alice," Girv answered.
"Good. Then tomorrow, you can check back in with the Commander here and let him know how it's going. We want you both to start your marriage off on the right foot. Chakotay, do you have anything to add?"
Chakotay still couldn't figure out what exactly she was saying to him, for he was sure she was sending him a message. Marriage? The question kept repeating itself in his head, over and over. He had barely heard the rest of the conversation. "No, I don't have anything to add. I'll see you both tomorrow."
Kathryn ended the meeting, Girv and Alice thanked them, and she ushered them out. Finally the door closed and they were alone. Chakotay was leaning against his desk with arms folded, looking intently at her.
"So, Kathryn, did you have that all planned in advance, or did you just wing it?"
"What do you mean?" She walked straight to him, pulled his arms apart and placed them around her, then put hers around his neck. "Planned?"
"You're not going to try and deny it, are you? Or was that talk about marriage, my bachelor party, and a soon-to-be husband just for their benefit?"
"Chakotay, I did as you asked, I slept on it. I still love you this morning. AND, I'm not backing down, or running, or going anywhere.... So, well, I would like to marry you. After all this time, it seems the logical thing to do." Kathryn once again watched closely to see his reaction. Stunned, she thought, was the best description. He was looking at her mouth. She leaned in and kissed his cheek a few times, running her hand through his hair, putting her head against his shoulder.
"Kathryn...."
She lifted her head. He finally met her eyes. There was so much raw emotion in them she thought she would cry. "Chakotay," she said, "do you accept my proposal?"
"You know I do," he said huskily.
"And do you believe that I'm serious?" She caressed his face, deliberately tracing each plane.
"We're getting married, so I guess I have to," he said. "But, how do we know we're compatible?" Time around them stilled. He put his hand behind her head, pulling her mouth to his and kissed her deeply, slowly, this time for as long as he wanted. Their bodies pressed together just as slowly, intensely, every nuance of movement felt by both, their hands exploring, their hearts thudding, their desire surging back and forth. When they finally pulled apart he smiled at her. "Tonight?"
"Yes, tonight. We'll find out then. And I don't think we'll be surprised," she said softly.
He placed his forehead against hers and closed his eyes, holding her, peaceful, mesmerized. "I love you, Kathryn."
With her eyes closed as well, she heard the words she had only imagined him saying before that day. At night, falling asleep, waking up, listening to him getting ready for his shift from behind the wall, her eyes closed to Voyager, she pictured him there with her. Saying that. Reality was much better, she said to herself as she opened her eyes, cupped his face and kissed him soundly. "I love you, too, Chakotay." The embrace this time was hard, tight, and breathtaking.
"So," he looked at her directly, "tomorrow - who's working where?"
"I'm back in the big chair. And I hear there's a shore leave rotation schedule due on my desk. I'm willing to wait for it until day after tomorrow."
He laughed. "That's big of you! And here I thought you'd want to learn how to do them..." He grinned evilly at her.
"Don't have to," she grinned back, "I have the best damned first officer in all of Starfleet on this ship."
"And we have the best captain as well," he answered seriously.
"We make a good team, don't we."
"Yes, Kathryn, we do."
End.
Interested in the second ending? Another choice is yours :) -- Return to Double Dare to reread the last few paragraphs and pick Ending Two, or Go directly to Ending Two.
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