Kathryn sat rigidly, feeling his warm palm against her cheek, afraid to meet his eyes for fear of what the contact would do to her resolve. For resolved she was. The level of tactile communication between Chakotay and her was going to be lowered, quickly, decisively. Still, she hesitated, for just a nanosecond, filing away the sensation of his tender touch. To be remembered perhaps when she got drunk next, when she felt maudlin and full of self-pity. She took a breath and pulled herself up from the couch, away from his hand, finally looking directly into his eyes.
"If there's nothing else, Captain, I have a bit more work to finish before dinner," she said, her earlier sarcasm returning.
"No, Kathryn, there's nothing else. So dinner in my quarters, say, 1900 hours?" If he felt disappointed at her retreat, Chakotay didn't show it. He smiled sincerely with his words.
She sighed. A hot shower, a glass of wine and a good book sounded infinitely better. But again, she didn't want him to know how much he was getting under her skin. "Fine, 1900 hours."
"You bring the wine this time," he said with a wink.
"Does that mean I have to be the one to pepper the conversation with witty one-liners?"
"Are you saying that I am the witty one?" Chakotay thought that teasing her under these conditions couldn't be more fun.
She couldn't think of a way out of it, so instead she tried a bit of the death glare aimed his way and bid her leave. As she walked through the bridge to the lift, she felt like screaming. She would be damned if she let him have the upper hand in every conversation and meeting. Dinner was going to be excruciating.
"Commander Janeway?" Tom's voice drifted to her as the lift doors were opening.
She whirled and stopped, staring at him. "Yes?" She caught Harry's tension radiating from her left and laughed to herself. Tom always did have the balls.
"Does the change in position this week mean that you're going to be in charge of the tactical drills tomorrow?" She caught the edge of trepidation in the pilot's voice.
"Of course. The Captain will be far too busy reading the abundance of reports I plan to have on his desk to oversee the drills, Lieutenant." She stepped into the lift and smiled triumphantly. Perhaps this could be fun, after all.
Chakotay sat in the ready room after Kathryn left, contemplating how to talk to her about Wilder and Hollingsworth. If she continued her counseling in the manner she had been up to this point, he could have more work next week than he could handle effectively. He called up his appointment list for the next few days to refresh his memory. Nothing very difficult, he thought. No more fighting roomies. The tactical drills in the morning she'd undoubtedly ask him to take for her. Probably over dinner. Wheedle her way gently out of them. She found them almost as unendurably boring as the shore leave rotation schedules.
1900 hours found Kathryn standing at Chakotay's door, feeling nervous and apprehensive for reasons she tried to ignore. Movement out of the corner of her eye, a crewmember coming around the curve of the corridor, prompted her to hit the door pad hastily. She entered without turning her head.
The small table in front of Chakotay's chairs was set with candles and flowers, crystal and nice linens. Usually dinners in his quarters were casual, not like in hers. She found the sight unaccountably touching. He approached her, smiling, wearing off duty clothing and looking more relaxed than she'd seen him in a few days.
"Excuse me, Kathryn, for being out of uniform. I thought it would be a nice change," he said smoothly, "and since I am acting Captain, I assumed I could make that decision for myself tonight."
She bristled. "Are you saying that I usually make the decision for you?"
"Well, you do get to determine the level of casual dress I wear to eat dinner with you. If you're in uniform, regulations dictate that I be in uniform as well."
"Chakotay..."
He interrupted her. "Don't worry about it, Kathryn. But maybe, over wine tonight, we could renegotiate the parameters within which we usually have dinner?"
She relented. "Yes, maybe we could do that."
"Good, so sit, pour the wine, dinner's almost done. I made us vegetable lasagne and a salad..."
Her stomach rumbled in response. As she was getting settled, the door chimed. It was Ensign Girv Cro'll, an angry Ensign Cro'll.
"Commander," he said to Chakotay, "I apologize for bothering you off-duty, but I need your help....it's Alice, we've had a fight and, and, she's just being .... unreasonable!"
Chakotay glanced at Kathryn before taking Girv by the arm to the couches under his viewports. "Girv, I, well, it's not really my position to help you at the moment. I am not the first officer." Kathryn joined them at the couches. Girv looked from Chakotay to her.
"I'm sorry, Captain Janeway, I...I'm not thinking clearly," he said almost desperately, his eyes darting back and forth between them.
Chakotay was torn. Alice and Girv had been coming to him for counseling almost weekly with one problem or another. Their wedding was three weeks away, and the pressure was mounting in each of them. But it was Kathryn's job to help out. He looked at her pointedly.
"Ensign, I'll be happy to talk with you," she said, trying to hide her disappointment. She was hungry.
"Kathryn, perhaps you could take him to your quarters next door for some privacy?" Chakotay offered her the out, thinking she would rather not have him there.
She steeled herself. Fine, if Chakotay wasn't going to help, she could handle it. She led Girv out and to her quarters, not realizing that the Ensign had never seen the inside of the Captain's cabin, not understanding his reaction, his nervousness, his anxiety level which had just increased. She listened to his problem, heard all about the fight with Alice.
The disagreement was over the honeymoon. Or at least as much of a honeymoon as one could have on Voyager. Girv had heard there was another M-class planet they might be passing by in four weeks and wanted to request a two day shore leave for some private time. Alice didn't want to trust this plan and thought it best to book some holodeck time now, before it all got taken, and run a program she had been working on with B'Elanna and Harry. Girv didn't like this idea, wanted to get off the ship with Alice. Alice didn't care if they were off the ship or not. He was furious that she was so unwilling to trust that the planet, or another one soon after, would be there. She always needed everything to be so cut and dried. All planned out. Figured to the last detail. Why didn't she have faith? She was unreasonable.
Kathryn listened to him sputter out to the end of his tirade. She thought Girv was the one who was being unreasonable, too relaxed about the whole situation. If it was her honeymoon, she sure as hell would want to know exactly where she was going, how long she'd be there, and what to expect from the entire experience. Honeymoons were nothing to mess with. Exploration was all well and good, just not when one got married. She tried to point out the merits of Alice's position to him. He got very quiet and after a few minutes of talking, thanked her for her help and excused himself with her permission.
She was pleased that he seemed so much calmer when he left. Maybe he would think about what she said and talk to Alice with a more open mind. She returned to Chakotay's quarters.
Chakotay asked her about Girv and listened with a sinking heart to her explanation of how the talk had gone. Again, he debated discussing the situation with her and dropped the idea. She was proud of herself and he couldn't take that away from her. He'd go and find Girv after dinner and see what he could do. He and Kathryn chatted over dinner, covering the usual range of topics. He did bring up the tactical drills and was surprised when she expressed her enthusiasm for running them. Thinking he detected a certain gleam in her eye, he asked her directly if she was planning on making them as difficult as possible for Tom.
"Chakotay, what ever gave you that idea?" She said this almost guilelessly. Almost.
"I think you depended upon Tom to back you up with this dare. To tell you that he thought you could do my job with no problem. Instead, he looked, well, as though he was going to start a betting pool to see if you'd survive." Not to mention, he thought, Tom's look of pure fear.
"I admit, it would have been nice for someone to say I'd win. And maybe I am going to enjoy tomorrow a little too much. But," she said with a small grin, "that is the Captain's prerogative, after all. And no matter what, I'm still the boss."
"Next week, anyway," he retorted. "And how are the shore leave rotation schedules going?"
A plate of lasagne, draped over his head, sauce dripping down into his eyes, that would be something to see, she thought. A sprinkle of parmesan on top, just for fun. Or maybe some chocolate mousse in the face. Though knowing him, he'd probably just lick that off with enjoyment. The sudden picture of his tongue snaking out made her shiver involuntarily. She felt him touch her again and looked down to the tabletop. He had placed his hand on hers.
"Kathryn? Are you there," he asked softly.
Her hand was warm under his. She could feel the pulse on the underside of his wrist where her fingertips just touched. She pulled her hand away and stood.
"Thank you for dinner. I'm going to turn in. I have some more work to do yet. Good night."
Chakotay watched her go after returning her good night. He was uncomfortable. He couldn't tell from one moment to the next how she was going to react. He knew he was pushing it, touching her whenever he wanted, but damn it, she deserved to feel as thrown by it as he always did. He laughed to himself. He supposed he was accomplishing his task and then some. And now he had to find Girv. The computer told him holodeck two was the place to do that. He left as soon as he'd quickly thrown the dishes in the recycler and blown out the candles.
Kathryn was pacing her quarters. She didn't want to do any more busy work, and damn the rotation schedules. It was clear to her that Chakotay wasn't going to back down from being the Captain, and why should he? There was nothing of a threatening nature happening at the moment and though she knew the pressure of being in charge was daunting, during quiet times it was nothing more than reading reports, coming up with creative ways to keep the energy reserves high and looking for spots to refill their coffers. Damn him, anyway. And she was uncomfortable. Being not who she was, well, it was getting to her. Having their command relationship turned up side down was....disquieting. She missed Chakotay. Her source of support. Her friend. The man she....nope, she wasn't going to think about that. What had long been filed away was being dragged out by his refusal to stay on his side of the line....
Damn him. She left the cabin to go for a walk. Maybe Sandrine's was up and running tonight. She could use a drink.
Chakotay found Girv at the bar. He sat down with him, patted the younger man on the shoulder and they began to talk. The tirade was again released, this time to a sympathetic ear. The true first officer and ship's counselor did his best to help Girv come to his own conclusion for resolving the problem. A way to talk to Alice, for both of them to get their needs met, a simple solution. As they were finishing up the talk, Chakotay felt eyes boring into the back of his head. He turned around, just in time to see Kathryn spin on a dime and leave Sandrine's quickly. Damn.
Kathryn wasn't used to feelings of humiliation. She hated them. After throwing a few non-breakable items around her quarters, she stripped and got into the hot hot shower. She finally allowed the water to soothe her, to caress her muscles into relaxation, to convince her to let go. Sinking down to the floor of the shower stall, the tears came. In between the tears came thoughts of how she would seek retribution against Chakotay. Followed by remorse. She couldn't get by without him, without his support, without him taking the burden of first officer's duty, without being such a fine fit for the job. He must think she was only good at one thing - giving orders. Blowing enemies out of space. Angry warrior speech aside, he knew her better now.
Chakotay rang her door chime for the third time. He was fully aware she was there, and clearly not answering. He was certain she was upset, it was only twenty minutes since she'd left the bar, she couldn't be asleep by now. He tried to call her over the comm. She didn't answer that either. After another moment's hesitation, he put in the override and stepped into her quarters.
"Kathryn?" He called. That's when he heard the shower running. Again, thinking about his options, he made a command decision. He walked right up to the bathroom door and knocked as loudly as he could. "Kathryn.."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Her heart leapt into her throat. What the hell did he think he was doing? "Go AWAY" she called. She unconsciously covered her breasts with her arms.
"We need to talk."
"No, we don't."
"Yes, we do."
"NO, we don't. Now go away, Commander!"
A sputtering noise was heard through the door. "I'll wait for you on the couch, Kathryn."
This time, it wasn't images of food, or padds, hitting him in the head. The brig. Chained to the wall, having to be fed like a child. His hands in restraints, not being able to defend himself, as she knelt in front of him and took down the zipper of his uniform jacket.... She shook her head hard. No No NO! She sighed. Getting out of the shower when she was good and ready she snuck a peak out the bathroom door, having not bothered to bring in a robe. She should have known. He had closed her bedroom door, being the gentleman that he was. Well damn him. She sure as hell wasn't going to get fully dressed for him. Dropping her towel on the bed she pulled on some pants and a sweater, ran a comb through her wet hair, took a deep breath and left her bedroom.
It was Chakotay's turn to have his heart leap into his throat at the sight of Kathryn walking in front of him, heading for the replicator. She looked....stunning. Wet hair, no makeup, cheeks flushed, bare feet, and smelling of soap and that shampoo of hers...he was entranced. Enthralled. Engrossed. Enfeebled. He shook his head hard while hers was turned away.
"What?" Her voice brought him back to reality. She had noticed him, then. Damn.
"Nothing, I just haven't seen...haven't seen you in bare feet for awhile, that's all," he said, trying to smile sincerely.
She sat down on the couch and sipped her whiskey. "Well? What is so important that you felt it appropriate to come into my quarters and interrupt my shower?"
"Kathryn..." His planned talk was no longer in the forefront of his mind, if anywhere at all.
"Yes?"
He sighed. "Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you saw me talking with Girv. He was very upset... No, that's not entirely true. I went looking for him, I knew he would need to talk some more after what you told me. So, you can hate me forever for going behind your back, but as your superior officer..."
She interrupted him. "A, you are not my superior officer and B, if you felt I did not handle the situation correctly, why didn't you just tell me? I can answer that for you, because you didn't think I could deal with it, did you?" She took a swallow of her drink. "You think I can do nothing except blow up alien ships and occasionally figure out how to fix this bucket of bolts!"
He was shocked into silence for the briefest of moments. "You honestly think that's how I see you?" he asked quietly.
"After today I'm not at all certain how you see me," she replied, swirling the liquid in her glass. "You seem to take a certain amount of pleasure in touching me just to see if you can un-nerve me on some level, you don't trust that I can take constructive criticism, I certainly don't have a clue how to counsel people. You've enjoyed this entire experience, haven't you? Now you can feel wholly superior to me on every level. You can take over this ship and run it with one hand tied behind your back...." She threw the whiskey down her throat, not seeing what effect her words were having on the man next to her.
Chakotay stared at his hands, moving together between his knees, his mind a complete and total blank. He, on some level, knew that was only a protective mechanism, that as soon as he was back in his quarters the pain he felt from what she said would permeate his body, his soul. Slowly he stood and more slowly he tried to form a sentence. It was impossible. "I'm sorry..." was all that came out of his mouth as he walked out of her quarters.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Kathryn watched him go, seeing that he was hurt and trying to put that together with what had just happened. She realized what she said and how it probably sounded with a sinking and pained heart. She thought to follow him and stood up, then sat down. She again felt tears forming and wasn't able to keep them from falling.
Chakotay got to his own quarters and walked to the viewports, staring out at the stars streaking by. She really thought he would consider taking over the ship. He still couldn't believe it. After everything they'd been through, after the years of standing by her side, willingly, happily, peacefully, lovingly. With everything she'd put him through. Pulling, pushing, pulling, pushing. Gods, she might as well have taken a knife and just plain stabbed him directly in his heart, it may not have hurt as much as this. He went to his replicator and ordered a double whiskey, downing it in three swallows. They had this in common, too. The only hard alcohol they liked. It deadened a bit of the pain. But not enough. He took the glass and threw it against the wall, enjoying the sound of it shattering, the feeling of power at breaking something.
Kathryn started, hearing the glass break next door. She wiped her cheeks dry and left her quarters for his.
She didn't see her senior staff rounding the bend in the corridor, taking a jovial walk after an evening at Sandrine's. Their conversation stopped immediately upon seeing their captain, barefoot and wet headed, tapping Chakotay's door pad repeatedly. They heard the sound of glass breaking in his quarters. They watched her put her hands on her hips and heard her call his name. Yes, this was definitely hell. She put in an override code and went inside. With a silent glance to each other, they continued down the corridor. As they passed the first officer's cabin, the sound of raised voices was heard clearly, though no words were distinguishable. By unspoken agreement they headed for Tom's quarters to hold a meeting of their own.
"Kathryn, leave me alone, hear me? I don't want to talk! I've heard enough, thank you!"
"No, you haven't! You've heard it wrong, damn it!"
Chakotay stalked to the replicator to order another whiskey. As he removed it from the machine, Kathryn jumped up and grabbed it out of his hands.
"You don't need any more of this..."
He tried to take the glass back. "Who the hell are you to tell me how much I can drink?" Struggling over the drink, it spilled on both of them. He took the opportunity and got the glass away from her wet hand, placing it back in the replicator and ordering a refill. She was quicker than he was, however, and grabbed it the nanosecond it was full and downed it herself in two gulps.
"DAMN it, Kathryn! Leave my drink and ME alone!" This time he blocked her from the replicator, even as she tried to reach around him. His heart stopped as he felt her against his back. She wasn't wearing a bra. Spirits.... He took the drink in one swallow and turned around taking her by the shoulders and pushing her away from him.
They locked glassy eyes. Both a few sheets to the wind, breathing hard.
"Chakotay, you have to listen to me, please... I didn't mean what I said, not the way you think....please.....please....I don't think you want the ship, to take it, mutiny, whatever....shit..." She was having difficulty suddenly putting her brain in contact with her mouth. His fingers were gripping her tightly and she couldn't take her eyes away from his. The pain she saw there. Something else, too. Her heart thudded in her chest. "Chakotay..."
"Why did you say that, Kathryn? Why?" His voice was low, intense.
She wasn't sure how to explain it, particularly not with the alcohol cursing through her bloodstream and his eyes piercing hers. She wanted him to... She blinked and tried to breathe. "I....I'm not sure, but I am sure it had nothing to do with reality. I'm sorry I hurt you..." She reached out and touched his face, wanting to make it all go away, "I'm sorry..."
He couldn't take the touch, his self control was dangerously low. He wanted to devour her mouth with his. He released his hold on her and backed away quickly. She looked confused. He ran his hands through his hair, trying to find some way to get her out of his cabin without escalating things any further. He didn't think he could rely on his judgement right then. "Just tell me this once, Kathryn, and I'll never ask you again. Do you trust me? Completely trust me? Do you know in your heart that I would never do anything to undermine your command of this ship? Aside from this silly game we've been playing today?"
She took a step to him, wanting to reassure him. He backed another step away. Her head was swimming, her body humming. She tried to concentrate, and convince him. "Yes, Chakotay. I trust you completely. In my heart. God, in my heart...." If he didn't believe it, she wasn't sure what to do. Pounce on him? Knock him to the floor and straddle him? Fall on his mouth until he gave in?
He looked deeply into her eyes and saw a number of emotions moving through them. His heart jumped when he thought he detected lust but discounted it just as quickly. He could see, however, she was telling the truth and he let that settle into his chest. He closed his eyes and tried to breathe some sobriety back into his body. And nearly fell backwards by the force with which she suddenly pulled herself tightly to him, her arms wrapping around his chest, her head falling on him, her words unintelligible to his ears. He instinctively returned the embrace, knowing his self control was slipping ever further out of reach.
"Kathryn....you'd better go.....now....please."
"If you promise me one thing..."
Anything, just go... "What?"
"That we're okay."
"That's easy...yes, we're fine. Tomorrow you'll be captain again and I'll be your first officer..."
"Assuming that's what I'm talking about. What about you and me? Do you believe that I trust you?"
"Absolutely."
"If I trust you, then why do I have to go?"
"It's me I don't trust. I've had too much to drink, and so have you, and..." Just go. Now, Kathryn...
"And what?"
"Spirits, Kathryn, what do you want me to do, spell it out for you?" He grabbed her shoulders again and pried her off him, holding her at arms length, staring into her eyes. "If you don't leave right now I'm going to kiss you so deeply your knees will buckle, you'll be filled with remorse in the morning, our command relationship which took a beating today will go completely down the tubes because I'll take you into my bed and never let you leave and the ship can go to hell for all I care. Is that clear enough for you?!" He let go of her but didn't lose eye contact.
She continued to stand and look at him, her arms hanging at her sides. After a minute which seemed like an eternity to them both she broke the silence. "Well?" she said pointedly. "I'm waiting!"
"Fine," he replied, "you asked for it..." He stepped to her, his heart pounding loudly in his ears, cupped her face and lowered his mouth to hers, kissing her softly at first, giving her the chance to pull away, the electrical charge on his mouth going directly to his chest and down to his groin.
Kathryn thought she had died and gone to heaven, the feelings surging throughout her body almost more than she could bear. But her knees were still somewhat strong and she increased the pressure on his glorious lips, parting hers slightly to give him access. He took the invitation with force, unable to control himself any longer. She was pulled tightly against his body as his tongue plunged into her mouth and ..... her knees gave out.
"Chakotay?"
"Hm-m-m..." He rolled her again, giving some attention to the soft skin of her chest.
She ran her hands slowly through his hair. "We'll talk tomorrow about what happened today? I assume that we really will go back to our regular positions..."
"So you're giving in? Crying uncle?" He nipped her on the chin before raising up to meet her eyes.
"Hardly. The captain never gives in..." She traced the outline of his mouth with one fingertip.
"Well, okay, I'll be the one to end it. After all, I finally got my answer."
"Answer?"
"Yes. Our positions were finally reversed. And I found out that you are more than happy to serve under me," he said seductively with a grin. She laughed out loud and pulled him down for a long, lingering kiss.
End.
Did you skip over Ending One? If you want to read it, another choice is yours :) -- Return to Double Dare to read the last few paragraphs and pick Ending One, or Go directly to Ending One.
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