Copyright 2000 Cassatt

If anyone had been allowed in Captain Kathryn Janeway's quarters in the middle of the night they would have seen how fitful her sleep was. It was 0437 and her REM sleep wasn't giving her rest. She mumbled something unintelligible repeatedly. Her covers were a mess...

She exited the transporter hub amidst a small crowd. Knowing she had come from Starfleet headquarters but not knowing yet why she was here. The sidewalks were crowded. She looked around and realized she was in Berkeley, downtown. She had an appointment. No, she was supposed to meet someone special. Down Center Street. She reached it and turned left looking for the right building, not really knowing what that would be. Following the line of people she handed the woman her ticket and found a table in the middle of the room. The lights were lowered, the room quieted, and she watched the candle's flame burn on the table in front of her.

Clapping. A woman came onstage and sat at the piano, she had long, thick, curly blond hair and wore jeans and a tank top. Her eyes sparkled. Her fingers flew over the keys making beautiful melodies.

"And now I'd like to sing a request for a special friend. He's not here at the moment, but he should be here soon. He says the song is for Kathryn."

The piano started again. Chakotay materialized onstage, sitting cross-legged and smiled directly at her, across the crowd. Why wasn't he sitting at her table... The singer's voice was heard

"Morning light will wake us
Another day has come
My heart says be more thankful
My head 'there's work to be done
Here's the list it's time to run'

How did I get so busy?
So hurried, I ignore
The beauty that surrounds us
In this miracle world
How can I ever learn?

Sweet love, will you show me?
How I might receive
Lift my eyes and take me trembling
To the heart of beauty"

He leaned in to whisper in her ear. "Did you like the song?" She turned her head to see dark brown eyes glowing in the candlelight. He kissed her deeply, passionately, and she felt heat surge through her body. She opened her eyes to see him back on stage, holding his medicine bundle out for her to take. She stood and he de-materialized. Why did he leave? She cried out his name and the audience clapped. The clapping got louder. She needed to be louder, too... The audience was drowning her out...

Kathryn sat up with a cry and a pounding heart. She tried to wake up fully but her dream wouldn't fade. Feelings of loss were overwhelming her and in desperation she got up to walk around her quarters, hoping reality would help push the fantasy away. Her sweat-soaked body shook as the air hit it.

"Computer, increase ambient temperature 10 degrees." This still didn't help so she got into the shower and let the hot water do the trick.

Chakotay woke up to hear the sound of the shower running in the Captain's quarters. He looked at his chronometer and was surprised to see it say 0450. He debated waiting until the shower was done to call her, then thought better of it and went back to sleep.

"Good morning, Captain" Chakotay greeted Kathryn as he sat on the bridge later that morning. He thought she looked tired.

"Good morning." Kathryn tried to smile but knew the effort wasn't exactly successful. She was uncomfortably aware of the dream memories his presence triggered. They flooded her brain and body and she knew she needed to leave the bridge, and soon. The pounding of her heart as she sat next to her first officer was bad enough. The blush she could feel creeping across her cheeks was unacceptable. She beat a hasty retreat to her ready room and spent the remainder of the day there.

At 0413 the next morning Commander Chakotay's REM sleep was as fitful as the Captain's had been. He too was trying unsuccessfully to speak out loud as he moved back and forth in the bed.

He stood at the end of the dock wondering where the boat was. She said to meet her there. No, she said to meet the following evening. He turned and headed back toward the shore but was stopped by a hand on his arm.

"Chakotay where are you going? Don't you want to make love to me?" Kathryn was standing and gazing into his eyes with her head tilted to one side. Behind her he saw the boat. He followed her into the cabin.

She lit candles on the table and pushed him to sit on the bunk. She straddled his lap and kissed him deeply and passionately. His senses were being blissfully assaulted. She stood up and put her finger to her lips.

"Sh-h-h." She smiled. Going to the wall across the cabin she pushed a few buttons. Music filled the room, two women's voices in harmony with accoustic instruments for accompaniment.

"Last night I dreamed of loving you
Your skin so soft, your eyes so blue
But when I woke you were not there
And I was left alone to care.

And I was left alone to love
Just like the stars that shine above
They shine so high so far away
I die for you each passing day.

It cannot be, it cannot be
I cannot live in misery
When will I hold you in my arms
And lay by you beneath the stars?

I wish I were a shining star
I'd catch your eye, I'd touch your heart
And there I'd lay until I died
Fall like a tear from your blue eye.

Last night I dreamed of loving you
Your skin so soft, your eyes so blue..."

She was standing on the dock far away. He was in a canoe trying to paddle toward her. The sun was hot. He got close enough to call her name but her response was to merely stare at him. She turned and took the hand of Q and walked down the dock. He called and called her to come back but neither listened to him...

Chakotay woke with a start, his heart pounding. He, like Kathryn, couldn't get the dream out of his mind. He was overwhelmed with loss but could still feel Kathryn's lips on his. He got out of bed thinking that distance would remove the images. It didn't work. He really wasn't sure how he would face her that morning, how he would keep his emotions in check. This dream was his worst nightmare, having Kathryn in his arms and then watching her walk away. With Q?!

"That's right, Chuckles, it's little ole me."

Chakotay whirled around to see Q standing in the doorway to his bedroom.

"Surprised to see me? I'm surprised to see you in the flesh so to speak. Though if I were a human female I suppose I might find your chest something to gaze at. It's no wonder our Kathy thinks about you."

"Why are you here, Q!?"

"Don't you want to know what Kathy thinks?"

"If she wants to tell me what she thinks that's her business, not yours. So you're here just to torture me?"

"Now, Chuckles, I don't mean to torture you. Was your dream all torture?"

"You put that dream in my head?!"

"You didn't answer my question, dear boy. It wasn't all torture, was it, hm-m-m? Having Kathy kiss you couldn't have been that bad. You should see what you did to her last night. Just about swept her off her feet..."

"Last night? What are you up to, Q?"

"I'm sure you both will think no good, but actually I was feeling, well, a bit sentimental. Little Q is a most wonderful child and it's all because of Kathy that I have him. I was hoping to return the favor..."

"By reminding me that I've lost her? Thanks a lot. Favors like that I can do without."

"That part of the dream was all you, Chuckles. I can't control everything. That ending was a real downer I must say. Kathy must be putting you through the wringer. Maybe I should just have a little talk with her."

"Don't you dare, Q! That would embarrass her. Besides, I thought you were feeling sentimental and wanted to help?"

"You're absolutely right. No time like the present."

Chakotay found himself standing in Kathryn's bedroom with Q at his elbow. He immediately turned to leave but Q returned him to the same spot, right next to the bed. He glared at the omnipotent one who merely smiled in return. Kathryn was sleeping, so far. He had a feeling that was about to change.

"Oh, Kathy, my dear, wake up..." Q lay himself down on the bed next to her. At that, Chakotay had had enough. He stalked to the far side, grabbed Q by the arm and pulled him off the bed to his feet. At the same time, Kathryn woke up with a yelp and bounded out of bed, trying to gather her wits. Q merely grinned at them both.

"Kathy! So glad you could join the party. Tatoo man here is defending your honor by dragging me off your bed. You should be touched by his love and devotion to you. Not to mention heroics. I could easily fling him into the far reaches of space for manhandling me this way. But like I told him, I'm feeling sentimental. Had any good dreams tonight?"

"What the hell is going on here? Q - we've been through this. You are not welcome in my bedroom- GET OUT."

"Well, I can certainly take a hint. But Chuckles stays. He won't be able to leave for another 2 hours at least and neither will you. Though depending upon whether the two of you work this out, you may be left in here a lot longer. I will, however, leave you with a replicator, just in case you get hungry.... Ta ta!" And he was gone.

They faced each other across the bed.

"It sounds as though you've had quite a morning with him already." Kathryn looked sympathetic.

"You could say that."

She couldn't read his expression - anger? Pain? Frustration?

"Chakotay, what did he mean - what do we have to work out?"

He couldn't face this right then. Seeking escape he went to the new replicator and began to work. He tapped a few buttons on the pad.

"Computer - Starfleet personal kit issue 2-1. Followed by large orange juice." Taking the pouch and the glass he turned back to her. "Irrevelant of what Q wants I'm going to get myself ready for duty. Where can I find a towel?"

He followed her into the bathroom where she handed him a clean one from under the sink. He programmed the water temperature and turned on the shower.

"Are you planning on watching me, Kathryn?" She finally saw a small grin playing on the corners of his mouth.

"I'll leave if you promise to talk to me when you're finished in here." She folded her arms and gazed at him. She had to admit to herself at least that she didn't mind the thought of staying in the bathroom. Looking at him with only his sleepwear bottoms on was not unpleasant. And giving him an ultimatum that she didn't believe in was sort of absurd. Talk about something uncomfortable or watch him take a shower? What was she thinking...

"Fine. We'll talk." Still he was unreadable and she was torn. "Well, do I have to carry you out of here?" He took her elbow and gently pushed her out of the bathroom and hit the pad to close the door.

Finally, he thought. A bit of privacy. He got under the hot water and let it work on his very tense shoulders and neck. As they relaxed so did his mind. His dream came flooding back and the emotions from it overwhelmed him once more. He let his tears flow, sliding himself down the shower wall until he was sitting with this head on his arms, trying to find some peace.

"Chuckles, Chuckles - why or why are you letting her do this to you?!"

"Q! Leave me the HELL alone!" He banged his fist against the wall as he stood. "Haven't you done enough? Aren't you satisfied yet? You're invading our dreams, you've locked me in here with her, aren't you done playing?!"

Kathryn was listening to this, finger ready to hit the door pad.

"Chuckie - this is not a game. This is very serious. Your future depends upon it." He disappeared.

But reappeared in the bedroom.

"Kathy, I'm shocked. Eavesdropping on your first officer? Or are you wanting to catch a glimpse as he steps out of the shower all wet and ... Well, you fill in the rest." He was grinning at her.

Kathryn felt the blush creeping. "Q - what is really going on here?"

"Hm-m-m ... Just think about the dream you had last night." And he disappeared.

The door opened and Chakotay, with a towel around his waist, glared out into the room.

"What did he say to you Kathryn?"

But she was distracted momentarily by the sight before her. The blush was coming back. Memories of her dream were coming back as well. She hurridly backed away as if afraid Chakotay could see them too.

"Nothing much. Just babbling - as usual."

He noticed that she was blushing and grinned to himself.

"Well, excuse me then." And he closed the bathroom door to continue with his morning routine. Kathryn felt a small pang in her heart as it shut. She knocked. It opened. Chakotay was rinsing his mouth out. Wiping his lips he stood and turned to her. "Yes? Did you need something?"

"No, I'm sorry." And she closed the door again. After ten seconds it opened.

"Kathryn, lets just leave it open. I'm decent now and I'm almost done." He was smiling warmly at her and seeing his dimples she finally felt somewhat at ease. She returned the smile and went to sit on the bed to wait.

Only half concentrating on his shaving, Chakotay contemplated the woman in the next room. He wondered about the dream she had and how much Q had influenced it. She clearly was flustered and that was a radical departure from her usual demeanor. Somehow knowing that he disconcerted Kathryn gave him a little thrill. Then, like all bad dreams, the memories came back again. He stopped shaving and closed his eyes, taking some deep breaths to try and calm his senses.

Kathryn was trying not to watch too obviously but she had one eye on the man shaving. She saw him suddenly stop, lean on the sink and breathe deeply with his head hung. Immediately she went to him, without thinking twice. When she touched his shoulder he jumped and whipped his head to look at her. She saw such pain in his eyes it took her breath away. The pain disappeared quickly, replaced by a veiled, tired look.

"I'm sorry, Chakotay. I didn't mean to startle you, I was just concerned. Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." He resumed his shaving. She didn't leave but stood leaning against the counter with her back to the mirror, watching him outright. He was done quickly and spent more time than necessary rinsing off his face, particularly his eyes.

Kathryn reached out and touched his arm gently. "You look really tired. Why don't you lie down? We can talk on the bed. There's no where else to sit other than the floor and it's too hard.." His face was hidden by the towel and when he pulled that away she saw the pain returning, just a bit, around the corners of his eyes. "We'll talk, Chakotay. Go. Lie down. I'll be there in a minute or two." Their eyes locked, each one trying to read hidden meanings and finding none he finally nodded and left.

She let out the breath she was unaware she had been holding. She heard him straightening out the bedclothes as she brushed her hair, then his body dropping onto the bed as she rinsed her own face. She gave her teeth a quick sonic cleaning, taking the moment to contemplate what she wanted to know from him and what she thought she would be willing to tell him. Clearly this little exercise of Q's had to do with the dream from last night, and also clearly Chakotay had a dream this morning which upset him. She whispered, "If you've hurt him, Q, so help me you'll regret it..."

"I think that's like one of your quaint earth sayings - the pot calling the kettle black?" She heard whispered directly into her ear. She looked into the mirror but saw no Q. She took another few minutes to think about what he said.

Approaching the bed it looked to her like Chakotay was asleep. He was on his stomach with his arms under the pillow and his head turned toward her. She took the opportunity to study him in a relaxed pose. She hadn't seen him this at ease since New Earth. The song from her dream played once more and for the millionth time she contemplated its message.

She lowered herself gently down to lay facing him. This was a new perspective from which to view him and she took her time, almost memorizing his form. She reached out and softly traced the lines of his tatoo, thinking about all they had experienced side by side. Wondering again why they were on this journey together.

Looking intently at the muscles in his shoulders she didn't notice that he wasn't, in fact, asleep. Startled when he moved she pulled her hand back quickly, away from his damp hair where somehow it had come to rest. He rolled on his side and once more she found his experession unreadable.

"What are you thinking?" She asked.

"Wondering why you get to touch me but I can't touch you." She noticed he wasn't smiling. "Wondering what your hair feels like short, that's all." He amended, wanting to make it non-threatening.

Kathryn's heart started to beat against her ribs but she invited him to find out. Chakotay was stunned.

"Go ahead, it's okay, I don't mind." She said softly. When still he hesitated she lifted his hand from the bed which seemed to startle him out of his reverie. He pulled his hand away from hers and reached out, gently stroking her hair, running his fingers through it, a look of almost rapture on his face.

"Doesn't feel too different, does it?" She was attempting coherent speech when in truth his hand moving through her hair was doing more to her than she could admit.

He smiled. "No, it's still as soft as it was." He reluctantly pulled away.

"So. Q. Where do we start? What happened between you two this morning? He gave you a bad dream, didn't he?" Kathryn placed her hand back on his.

Chakotay tried to keep his guard down, to stay as relaxed as he was moments earlier. "According to him, he was only partially responsible for my dream. The rest came from me. He said he wanted to give you something because he was feeling sentimental - little Q is the light of his life."

"Q - sentimental I guess I can see but the sincerity of it I'm not so sure of..." She smiled slightly.

"Yes, well, you'll get no arguments from me there." His eyes had that hooded look again. She stroked his hand hoping to bring him back. "Kathryn, Q also told me he gave you a dream last night." He refrained from passing along Q's description.

Kathryn felt herself blushing yet again. She could feel Chakotay's lips on hers....

He saw the blush and downcast eyes and knew that Q hadn't lied. He still didn't know however, how much of her dream was Q and how much was really from her.

She wanted to change the subject and quickly. "So, according to Q, we're supposed to talk about the dreams?"

"I think so."

"Well, do you want to go first?"

"Is that Captain's prerogative?"

She smiled. "If you'd like."

He sighed. The song from his dream, never buried that deeply, bagan playing again. He rubbed his eyes. Quiet in there he pleaded.

"You were right. I did have a bad dream. The Q part was confusing but had one very nice bit in it," he smiled and she was blessed with the sight of one small dimple. "But the end was... Difficult. And Q played a song that unfortunately I can't get out of my head. It's very sad."

"Why don't you tell me the good part then?"

She could see his internal struggle, surprised to realize he was embarrassed. Her heart did a flip-flop as he met her eyes fully.

"I was to meet you on a pier, we were supposed to go sailing. You took my arm and asked me to make love to you." He waited for some reaction from her. He saw guarded eyes but another blush. "You brought me into the cabin and, then, well, made a move on me..."

"Made a move? What move?"

"Kathryn - do you want me to spell it out?"

"Well - yes, I do." She was trying not to grin. She suddenly felt giddy.

"All right. You pushed me to sit down and then you straddled my lap and kissed me. Very deeply and erotically." She saw his eyes turn darker as she felt the familiar burning sensation moving through her body. Another blush.

"Oh." Was all she could say.

"Then you stopped and played the song and then I was trying to reach you on the dock but you walked away, ignoring my cries for you to stop leaving." He practically blurted out the end hoping his pain wouldn't show if he just talked fast enough.

Kathryn's heart broke as she understood the totality of his anguish. This was his worst nightmare. "What was the song?"

"I don't know the name, a sad lament, probably traditional. I could try to sing it I think..."

She reached out and stroked his cheek. "I don't want you to relive something else painful."

"I think you should hear it." He suddenly wanted her to know exactly how much he was hurting. He sang softly, picking the harmony line which actually made the lament even more intense.

Last night I dreamed of loving you, your skin so soft, your eyes so blue
And when I woke, you were not there - and I was left alone to care...
....I cannot live in misery. When will I hold you in my arms and lay by you
Beneath the stars?
....I wish I was a shining star, I'd catch your eye, I'd touch your heart
And there I'd stay until I died, fall like a tear from your blue eye....

She was crying by the time he finished. Q's words to her reverberating in her skull. She tried to look at Chakotay but each time she did her self control slipped further and further.

"I'm sorry Chakotay. I'm so sorry. No wonder you're having a hard time this morning. I..." She touched his face, longing to do something to take his pain away. He was moving only to breathe. Her touch brought him back to reality. He blinked. She watched him return.

"Kathryn, it was my dream. My nightmare." He wiped her tears with his thumb. She moved too quickly for him to prepare - her free arm wrapped around his chest as she hugged him tightly. He breathed in the scent of her hair next to his face and returned the embrace, afraid to move for fear she'd jump back. Please just let me stay here forever...

Kathryn wasn't sure why she'd done it. She just wanted to feel him close, to take the excruciating distance between them and throw it away. She finally pulled back enough to lay her head down next to his, their faces six inches apart. She looked into his eyes and time stopped. She knew he was going to kiss her and all she could think to do was to pull his head to her so his mouth would touch sooner.

The kiss was exquisite. Tender for a nanosecond then quickly deep and unresistant as lips softly parted and tongues began exploring. Both hearts were pounding. Chakotay gently pulled back. Kathryn, feeling the loss of him intensely, heard herself give a small protest, "no..."

"Kathryn," he stroked her hair, "I shouldn't have done that - sh-h-h - we're not done talking and I don't want our omnipotent friend to come barging in here..."

She was trying to catch her breath and stop wanting so desperately for his mouth to come back. She touched his lips, he kissed her fingers, she melted into the bed in response. "Don't say you shouldn't have done that..." She was lost in his eyes. "Please don't go."

He looked at the woman he loved, her blue irises sparkling, cheeks flushed, her lips slightly parted... "I'm not going anywhere. I think the real question is - are you? What am I to you?"

"What are you to me? You are the man I love." She smiled slowly at the words that had just come out of her mouth.

He wasn't sure he had heard her correctly, his heart was pounding so loudly. "You love me? When did you reach that conclusion?"

"I'm not sure but I think it was a long time ago. The dream brought it all up in front of my face. Forced me to look at my feelings again. That's why I hid in my ready room all day yesterday, you were just too distracting." She was still smiling, and running her hands through his hair.

"So do you want to tell me about your dream now?" He said almost in a daze.

"Actually I do. There was a song in mine as well that I still think about. I was back on Earth and in Berkeley, supposed to meet you and ended up at a small music club downtown. A woman came on stage and played wonderful piano music. Then she said someone had requested a song to be played for Kathryn but he wasn't there yet. That's when things got even more strange. You transported to the stage where you sat looking at me. I wondered why you weren't sitting at my table. Then she sang the song. It was beautiful."

"I know you don't sing, but can you tell me what it was about?"

"Well, it was about a woman who is always busy, too busy to notice how lovely life is. She's asking her lover to slow her down, teach her to receive, and make love to her to remind her of the beauty of life. That's what I get out of it."

"A woman too busy, huh? Sounds like someone I know." He grinned at her.

She grinned back. "Yes, it does, doesn't it?"

"So then what happened?" He was waiting for the sweeping her off her feet part.

"Well... Then you were at my table, asking me if I liked the song, and then, well, you kissed me. Also deeply and intensely. I had a very, um, strong reaction to it. But then before I could answer you, you were back on stage, holding your medicine bundle out to me and then you de-materialized. I tried to call for you but the audience was too loud. I called and called, I couldn't understand why you left. I woke up." She was trying to take some deep breaths to quiet her emotional memories of the loss, but wasn't being very successful.

"So our dreams were very similar. Love and loss. I still wonder which part was Q and which part was you. I think I know which was which in mine."

"I think the only part that was Q in mine was when he made you leave, I mean I know he set the rest of it up but somehow I think he was really just reading what was already there, for both of us. Maybe your ending was more intense because you've been more open about your feelings for me so you've known rejection. I haven't known that part. I got to experience it yesterday. It was horrible. I don't know how you've stood it for all these years and why you've still stayed. You know what I mean."

"I could have always resigned my commission. Nothing was forcing me to stay your first officer, other than my love for you and my need to protect you and support you. Well, support when I thought it was the right thing - you know." He was looking for another reaction from her, knowing they rarely talked about the hard times.

"I am very blessed that you didn't resign. I couldn't have done this, Voyager couldn't have gotten this far without you. Even during the hard times..."

"You mean even when you relieved me of duty?"

"Let's not talk about that right now..."

"We're going to have to sometime Kathryn."

"I know, just not now. I don't want to think about loss, or bad feelings, or missing you, or the pain we've caused each other over the years. I want to know what it's like to really love you, and to have you really love me. Right here, right now." She gazed deeply into his eyes.

He felt his resolve dissipating and brought his mouth back to hers. They continued where they had left off, both of them beyond caring about Q or anyone else on the ship. Their arms and hands were stroking, holding, touching each other any way they could as their bodies slowly pressed together....
 

"That's right, you two. Now you're getting the idea. Lesser life forms - good grief, what I do for them. And they're always so ungrateful!"
 
 
 

The End

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