First part of a now three part story.  Link to sequel at the end.

Copyright 2000  Cassatt

The fight was over but the fallout was just beginning. Commander Chakotay stormed out of the ready room and off the bridge, past the shocked looks of the rest of the bridge crew, beyond the reach of Captain Janeway's voice yelling at him to return.

"Deck 14," he growled at the computer in the turbo lift. Stepping out of the lift in the bowels of Voyager, he stalked the corridors around and around. Ruminating on the past hour of his life he stayed furious. The walking wasn't helping. He was grateful, however, that this deck was virtually empty of people.

"Janeway to Commander Chakotay."

Screw that, he thought. He opened the hatch to a nearby jeffries tube and tossed his comm badge on the floor. Shut the hatch and kept walking. After another lap his legs were getting tired but he wasn't ready to return to the land of the living. Jeffries tube... He found a different opening to the same tube and crawled in 10 meters almost to the junction, then rolled over onto his back, hands behind his head and tried to still his pounding heart. Not the most comfortable place to lie down, but it was quiet, secluded, and hopefully she wouldn't come looking for him locating him by some stupid bio-scan. She wouldn't dare. Yes, she would. His fury began to overtake him again.

He really couldn't believe she could be so blatant about it. Just use him, manipulate him and then pull away without even much of an apology or a thank you. His mind burned with images and he suddenly remembered an incident he tried to forget years back.

All that shit with Tom Paris, who was acting like a complete jerk, late for duty, insubordinate, rude, insulting. The Captain, very nicely of course, told him that she had complete confidence in his ability to discipline the boy and when he tried, Tom shoved him to the floor of the bridge. The Captain, of course, immediately put Tom in the brig which led to him leaving, abducted by the Kazon, etc etc etc ad nauseum. Tom the hero. It was all a ruse, and he was the guinea pig in the middle. And Kathryn!! She just smirked at him, saying they needed a good performance out of him and that's why he was kept in the dark about the whole thing. He had been played like a Stradivarious. Did she apologize for not trusting him? No. Did she apologize for using him? No. A small smile, a minimal explanation, no responsibility taken, and he was supposed to go along with it. Because she was the CAPTAIN. Screw that.

And she did it over and over and over again. Bat her eyes, touch him almost in the way she knew he wanted to be touched, speak ever so sincerely, almost seductively, and ask him to agree with some ridiculous decision, put his life on the line AGAIN, support her unconditionally, spirits it was disgusting. How many times had he fallen for it? Way, way too many.

"Janeway to Commander Chakotay." was heard faintly echoing off the walls of the tube meters away. He began to laugh. Maybe Mr. Jeffries will answer you, Kathryn.

And now today. Today just might have been his final straw. Maybe he could contact a Talaxian freighter and offer his services as pilot. Poetic justice. Why oh why didn't he see it coming?! Being on Voyager had certainly taken his edge away. Maquis warrior Chakotay would never have fallen for it. Right. Like he knew Seska was a spy, like he knew Tuvok was a spy. Maybe all he was good for was that Talaxian frieghter.

Don't go there, Chakotay. He admonished himself. It's not you, it's HER. Well, screw her. He began to laugh again, the sounds reverberating off the walls. Yeah, screw Kathryn. Wipe that infuriating smugness off her face. Kiss her until she passes out. Screw her until she screams my name in the throes of her passion. Have her beg me for more. And then maybe I wouldn't give her more, just leave her stewing and unfulfilled. Yeah, right, Chakotay. Who am I trying to fool ... I'd give her anything she wanted, I'd make love to her twenty times a night if she asked. Damn it anyhow. Love is a fate I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Well, except maybe the Cardassians. If Seska were still alive, I'd take HER DNA and clone her and then send all the little Seska's out for Cardassians to fall in love with. Serve them right in a big way. This isn't working. Kathryn. Kathryn. Kathryn. SHIT.

Chakotay kept his eyes closed but the tears slipped out anyway. He decided just to let them fall, perhaps a good cry would help him. He tried to keep the despondency at bay but was only partially successful. After awhile, his tears subsiding, he felt the hardness of the tube floor cutting into his hands. He sat up and stripped off his jacket and his shirts, rolling them into a makeshift pillow for his head. He debated taking off his commander's bar and tossing into one of the access conduits but stopped himself. Just. His head at least was more comfortable. What the hell was he going to do now?

Go back and try to talk to her? He couldn't see it. They hadn't done a very good job of it so far. Besides, he liked being where he was. It was actually the first time he felt really alone, even more so than in his quarters. He needed the stillness to surround him, to know the nearest human was very, very far away. Suddenly, there was the sound of the tube hatch opening far away. DAMN. She found him.

"Chakotay, where are you..." He heard her speaking quietly to herself. She had only found the comm badge. He was still safe if he just kept silent. Then he heard some rustling and realized she had climbed into the tube and settled herself at the opening.

"Chakotay... what am I going to do... how am I going to talk to you... make you understand..." He heard her beginning to cry. Shit. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done it, why can't I ever learn? Damn it. You deserve so much better from me...so much better than me. You'll probably never forgive me now and no one would blame you." The crying started again. Chakotay didn't really know what to do. He couldn't bear to hear her cry. "Oh, God, Chakotay, what am I going to do without you? You'll never know how much..." She sobbed.

I'll never know how much what? "Damn it!" Uh oh. He realized too late he'd spoken aloud. Silence emanated from the other end of the jeffries tube. Followed by the unmistakable sounds of her coming closer, occasionally sniffling. He closed his eyes, then chuckled at the ridiculousness of the gesture.

"Chakotay?"

"Yes, it's me," he said in resignation, rolling onto his side so he could see her as she approached on her hands and knees. Her eyes were red and she looked a bit wrinkled. But unfortunately, still beautiful. She didn't stop crawling until she was sitting directly in front of him.

"Where's your shirt?"

He chortled. "Is that what you have to say to me Kathryn? It's under my head."

"Oh. What are you doing in here?"

"Trying to get some privacy."

She stared at him, then looked down the tube from where she came. "I'm sorry. I should leave you alone then."

"No, it's all right. You were looking for me?"

"Of course I was. Do you think I could let things stay that way between us?"

"Not Kathryn Janeway."

"Are you being snide, Chakotay?"

"I'm not sure. So what did you want to say to me, really this time."

She stared at him again. "I think you probably heard most of it..."

"Actually, no. I didn't hear the most important part."

"What part?"

"The part where you finish the sentence you started. 'You'll never know how much...' "

"Oh." She looked down the tube again.

"Planning your escape?" He suddenly felt very tired. "It's okay, Kathryn, you don't have to say anything to me. I won't hold you to something said in a moment of upset."

She met his eyes. Even in the low light of the tube he could see them flashing into his. "Damn it, Chakotay, don't do that."

"Do what?"

"Let me off the hook. You always let me off the hook. What if I were in the ring with you?"

"I can't picture that. But I get your point." He growled in low tones, "So okay, finish the damn sentence."

"Wow. Growling. I didn't know you had it in you..."

His anger was returning and he bore his eyes into hers.

"Okay," she said, "I'm sorry... Before I tell you the end of the sentence, would you sit up?"

"Why?"

"Because I don't think I can do this with you spread out in front of me sans shirt."

He sighed as he sat up and leaned against the wall, with his arms around his knees. "Better?"

"Somewhat. Could you put your shirt on?"

"Sorry, no. I don't want it on. If I could get to my quarters without the rest of my uniform I'd do it."

She looked at him with her head slightly tilted. "Are you thinking of resigning as my First Officer?"

"I don't know. I came close. I haven't decided."

She spoke very quietly. "Please don't."

"I won't if you tell me the end of the sentence."

"You'll never know how much I love you."

Chakotay's heart stopped. He watched a tear roll down Kathryn's cheek. Without considering the consequences, he leaned forward and wiped it dry with his thumb. She put her hand on his and held it to her cheek, turned slightly and kissed the inside of his palm. His anger shattered, but not his resolve.

"Prove it, Kathryn. You know that I love you, you've known for quite awhile. You've used that to your advantage many times with me. And don't look so shocked - you know what the hell the fight was about. I want to believe that you're being sincere here, that you're not just trying to make sure I don't resign. I shouldn't have forced it..."

"Chakotay you're doing it again, giving me a way out. You want proof?" She stared directly into his eyes and unzipped her jacket, removed it and threw it down the tube. "No comm badge, no uniform." She pulled off her turtleneck and undertunic and threw them at the jacket. "No pips, no captain." Then she reached down and took her boots off and tossed them as well. "No stature, feet firmly on the ground, so to speak. And now you know that I love you so I have no more advantage there either."

There she sat in front of him, smiling almost defiantly as only Kathryn could. He tried to keep his eyes locked on hers but she was sitting there in her bra for pete's sake. "Kathryn." He couldn't think of what to say next. He tried again. "Kathryn, I appreciate the gestures your making, believe me. But there's one other thing you can do to prove to me that you love me..." She interrupted him by smiling and crawling toward him, pulling his hands apart so she could get closer.

"Wait, wait." He held her hands. "You come any closer and I won't be able to think at all." She sat on her heels but her smile never wavered. "I would like you to apologize to me. Starting back with Tom and the Kazon all the way to today. Tell me that you're sorry that you manipulate my feelings for you to get me to do things. I think I deserve that."

Kathryn tilted her head to the side. I can see the wheels turning in there...can you tell me that you did those things to me? Or are we about to have another knock down drag out?

"Chakotay... I ... You know I said I'm sorry. You heard me say it."

"You weren't talking to me, you were talking to yourself."

"You're right... but apologizing isn't something that's easy for me to do. I know you deserve it, especially for today. I do love you and I have for some time..." She eventually proceeded to apologize for every time she could think of, starting with Tom and the Kazon on up to that day. Chakotay allowed her to ramble and even allowed her to be forgetful of a few times he was so thrilled to hear it all. She finally stopped talking and he released her hands. Seeing in her eyes she really meant what she was saying his heart soared.

"Thank you Kathryn." He leaned forward and cupped her face in his hands. She was smiling, her blue, glittery irises meeting his deep brown ones. He touched her lips with his, and as the kiss deepened he felt her sigh against his mouth. He also felt her hands moving behind his neck, through his hair, down his back. I love you so much Kathryn, you are everything to me... He was being pulled forward and down and he felt powerless to stop the momentum. Her lips, her tongue had him. Her moans and sighs had him. Hearing his name coming from deep inside her, like a prayer, had him.

"I love you Chakotay... there's no going back... you are everything to me..."

"Yes, Kathryn, no going back... I love you..."

"Please make love with me, here, with our ship surrounding us...," she breathed into his ear.

Yes, Kathryn....
 
 

The End?

Sequel is "Yours? Maybe Furious, Maybe Not."

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