Copyright 2000 Cassatt

"Mine will be the last face you see, Captain. Not your lover, Janeway..."

Chakotay looked closely at the crewmember pointing the phaser. He didn't bother to discuss the fallacy of the last statement. His assailant certainly was as smart as Chakotay had always believed, the Commander had been ambushed walking along a trail that hugged the side of a small canyon. There was no chance for escape and no cover available other than to dive down the hillside. His only hope was to engage in conversation.

"I thought things were better. The last time we talked you told me..." He was interrupted.

"Things will never be better! It's all your fault, and that bitch Seska's. Jonas would still be alive if it weren't for you. You destroyed the Liberty and got us involved with Janeway and fucking Starfleet! Jonas and I never wanted to be in Starfleet!"

"But what happened with Michael? I thought you and he were working things out. When we changed quarter assignments last month you both were very happy. Did something happen?" Chakotay could see pain etched around the eyes boring into his. The phaser was waving erratically as a hand shook. He tried to keep breathing, nice and deep, to keep his voice calm as he prayed he could sway this former comrade from the intended mission.

"Michael left me. He wasn't Jonas. He knew it. He could never be what Jonas was. And Chell kept harassing us and wouldn't shut up. Michael couldn't take it. If Jonas were still alive, he would've beat the shit out of Chell!"

"I'm so sorry. But Chell is just Chell. He can be a jerk, he doesn't think before he speaks. He's Bolian, for pete's sake, you've known him long enough to know what he's like. Michael wouldn't beat the shit out of him because he's Starfleet." Chakotay paused, trying to find a way to reach his almost assassin. "What can I do to help you?"

"There's nothing you can do other than to die for me. And I want you to die a very slow and painful death. I want Janeway to find your body so that her heart will break, I want everyone who cares about you to suffer... no one cared about me when they killed Jonas..." The phaser was now aimed with an almost steady hand.

Chakotay looked directly into the eyes of his assassin and saw a Maquis glint. At the very nanosecond he noticed the burst of light beginning he realized the original boast was wrong. The last face Chakotay saw was Kathryn's, blazing across his eyelids...

Tom Paris was now seriously worried. He was certain Tuvok was as well, no matter how unflappable the Vulcan tried to be. Chakotay was almost 30 minutes late for the rendezvous and hadn't answered two hails. Tuvok was scanning the area and, looking over his shoulder, Tom was grateful to finally see the indication of a commbadge about a kilometer away. With unspoken agreement the two men quickly headed in that direction. As they were hiking Tom asked Tuvok why he hadn't contacted Captain Janeway to update her.

"Until we know exactly what condition the Commander is in I believe it is prudent not to worry the Captain." Tuvok did not meet Tom's eyes as he spoke.

Years before Tom might have been surprised to see this small chink in Tuvok's unemotional armor but no longer. Tom agreed with him completely. Janeway would be beside herself with worry at the moment.

The tricorder led them to a trail along a hillside which was when Tom's worst fears materialized. Chakotay's signal was coming from the bottom of the canyon. Tuvok switched to biosignature mode. It was faint. Chakotay was alive, but barely.

Tuvok tapped his chest.  "Lt. Tuvok to Voyager. Mr. Kim, Commander Chakotay is severely injured approximately 100 meters from our location. We are unable to reach him. Three to beam directly to sickbay. Tuvok out."

Harry Kim stole a glance at Captain Janeway as his heart pounded and his fingers flew across the console. She was white as a ghost but he could feel her steely stare directed at him as he worked.

"Got 'em Captain. They're in sickbay."

"Harry, you have the bridge. Call B'Elanna, "  the Captain ordered.

"Yes m'am," he replied, but she was already in the turbolift with the doors closing. He took a deep breath.

"Bridge to Lt. Torres. B'Elanna..."

Kathryn Janeway, though not a particularly religious person, prayed until the doors to sickbay opened at her presence. Please God, I haven't asked for much, don't let him die... Her heart stopped, however, when she saw what condition Chakotay was in. His uniform was mangled, one leg was facing at an impossible direction as was an arm, his face was badly bruised and there was blood coming from his ear. Kathryn heard a rushing sound in one of her own as she tried to take a few deep breaths. The Doctor and Tom were working furiously over him. She met Tuvok's eyes.

"Report,"  she said, amazed that her voice sounded remarkably calm.

"Captain. The Commander was 30 minutes late for our rendezvous. Mr. Paris and I found him at the bottom of a canyon. We cannot assume, however, that he fell. The Doctor just informed us that there is a phaser burn on the Commander's chest. It was caused by a Starfleet phaser," Tuvok answered.

Stunned, Kathryn was saved from an immediate reply by the arrival of B'Elanna, who rushed to her.

"Captain, how is he?! I'll kill him if he dies, I swear..." B'Elanna cried out, then turned her head and saw her oldest friend. She gasped and put both hands over her mouth. Tom looked up and met her eyes but even Kathryn couldn't tell what he was thinking. She put her arm around B'Elanna's shoulders and they waited at Tuvok's side, both of them grateful for the contact.

After an interminable number of minutes the Doctor finally spoke. "Captain, Lt. Torres, the Commander is out of immediate danger, at the moment. The worst of his injuries is cranial. He had a subdural hematoma building rapidly for almost an hour before he was found. I have repaired the source of the bleeding but the damage to his brain will only be determined over time. Additionally, he has a broken pelvis, leg and arm, repairable damage to his kidneys and liver along with the obvious surface contusions and abrasions. I assume that Lt. Tuvok informed you of the phaser burn. It appears he was rendered unconscious then thrown down the canyon. He is still unconscious and will remain so for quite awhile I'm sure. Now if you have no questions Mr. Paris and I will begin repairing his bones."

"Thank you Doctor," Kathryn managed to say.  B'Elanna's weight sagged against her. "Come on, B'Elanna, sit over here. You can wait while they finish."  She led her to the biobed nearest the main one. B'Elanna sat without protest, her eyes riveted on the scene before her. She managed a small smile in Kathryn's direction. Kathryn squeezed her hand in response, then led Tuvok to the far side of sickbay.

Tuvok regarded her silently for a moment.  "Captain. I should commence my investigation immediately. I have taken the liberty of removing Mr. Paris', the Commander's and my phaser for testing. At the time of the attack, Mr. Paris and I were apart from each other. You will need to assist me, by testing my phaser."

"Tuvok! You can't be serious. Tom? You?"

"You must remember. Mr. Paris specifically asked to be a part of this away team,"  Tuvok answered, his eyebrow raising.

Kathryn was astonished.  "He asked me months ago to go planetside the next time. I agreed."

"So let us remove him from suspicion immediately, and myself."

Kathryn, with another look toward Chakotay, nodded. They went into the Doctor's office. None of the phasers had been fired, nor did it appear the internal sensors had been tampered with.

"Captain, I will be with Mr. Kim verifying people's whereabouts for the past two hours then I will proceed to the transporter room. I will report back to you with my findings."

"Tuvok, I'm having a difficult time grasping all of this. I can't believe anyone would want to harm Chakotay, particularly not a member of the crew. This just doesn't make any sense..."

"I will find whoever did this to the Commander. You may be assured of that."

At that moment, Kathryn was particularly grateful that a Vulcan was her chief of security,  desperately needing his calm demeanor.  She took a deep breath and placed her hand on his arm lightly.  "Thank you, Tuvok." To which he nodded, took the phasers and left.

Kathryn went to sit with B'Elanna where they kept vigil together, neither willing to be apart from the man on the biobed or each other.

Harry was more grateful than he cared to admit to see Tuvok coming onto the bridge. He had been pacing up and down in front of the command chairs, desperate to know how the Commander was. Tuvok waved him to Ops where Harry questioned him urgently.

Tuvok said quietly, "Mr. Kim,  the Commander's condition is guarded. Most of his injuries can be repaired, but he sustained an injury to his head which may or may not present a problem. He has not regained consciousness. I require your assistance."

Not for the first time Harry was stunned, listening to Tuvok's dry recitation of Chakotay's condition. "Lieutenant, how can you not care? The Commander!" he blurted out, then hastily apologized, "I'm sorry Mr. Tuvok. It's just... I apologize. Of course, what do you need?"  Harry tried to regain his professional demeanor, though his heart was still pounding.

Tuvok replied in a very low voice, "Your apology is not necessary. I understand your human response. We can assist the Commander, however, by determining who attacked him. I need to know whether anyone, other than myself, Mr. Paris and the Commander was off this ship during the past two hours."

"Attacked him?!" Harry hissed. And Tuvok filled him in. With his pent-up energies newly directed, Harry gave Tuvok everything he could.

The Doctor and Tom were finally finished putting Chakotay's bones, organs and skin back to some semblance of repair. Time would still need to be taken for his pelvis and leg to fully regenerate the destroyed bone tissue. Time would also be needed to determine just how damaged his brain was. For Kathryn, this would be the worst wait of all. She could barely consider what her life as the Captain of this ship would be without her first officer much less contemplate her personal life without Chakotay. Already she was anxious to see his eyes open and at least one of his dimples to light up his face.

As Tom came over to comfort B'Elanna, Kathryn took the opportunity to speak quietly with the Doctor and touch the patient. She needed the tactile sensation of his skin under her fingers, unfortunately as soon as she touched him the reality of the situation hit her hard. It really was him on that biobed, her brain now registered. The lump that had been threatening finally formed in her throat and her eyes filled as she tried to regain her composure.

Her crewmembers watched and kept a respectful distance and silence. They each knew, though the Captain tried to deny it, just how much she loved Chakotay. It was obvious to everyone. As obvious as the extent of his love for her.

B'Elanna, needing to do something, took Tom to get Chakotay's medicine wheel after receiving promises to be contacted in case he woke up before she could get back. Kathryn stayed by his bedside, stroking his hand, saying a few more prayers, willing him to take her strength, every last bit of it if he needed to. She remained there until Tuvok called her to report. Reluctantly she left for her ready room.

Tuvok spoke with as much intensity as he ever displayed.  "No one has left the ship for the last two hours. Not one crewmember is unaccounted for during the period of the Commander's attack. Mr. Kim and I did a thorough run through of all personnel. Additionally, I spoke with the crewman on shift in the transporter room and checked the transporter logs. No one transported other than the three of us from two hours before the attack until I was standing there."

"Could someone still be on the planet?"  Kathryn asked.

"No. We did a complete scan for all possible parameters of the species here on the ship."

"So what you're telling me is that no one else was on the planet other than you and Tom? I don't believe it,"  she stated, her voice rising.

"It appears the only person who may be able to shed some light on this is the Commander himself. I assume he saw his attacker. And from the close proximity of the phaser blast, he knew and trusted this person,"  Tuvok replied calmly.

"Don't you start again with you and Tom being suspects. I won't hear of it. Someone else got down there," Kathryn said with conviction.  She banged her palms down on the desk and stood.  "Find them."

"Sick bay to Captain Janeway,"  the Doctor called over the comm.

Kathryn slapped her chest with some force.  "Yes, Doctor?"

"I think you need to come down here. Quickly. The Commander is waking up."

"I'm on my way,"  She replied, hitting her comm and halfway to the door before turning to Tuvok. "I'll call you if he tells me anything. Otherwise, we'll talk again in 30 minutes, call a senior staff briefing. Give Harry the bridge if you have to leave." And she was gone without another word.

Tuvok watched her striding to the turbolift, one eyebrow raised, the only indication of his thought processes.

The first thing Kathryn noticed was B'Elanna, crying. This was a jolt that only dimly registered as she made her way directly to the biobed. The next thing she couldn't help but notice was the Doctor blocking her path.

"Captain, I must talk to you before you see the Commander... I don't want you to respond negatively..." he said insistently.

But Kathryn, being Kathryn, brushed past him and went straight to Chakotay's side. She picked up his hand, which he yanked out of hers as his eyes opened.

"Who are you?" he demanded.   His first words, and they broke her heart.

~~~~~~~~~~

Chakotay recognized the woman looking at him with moist eyes on some level, though he was certain he'd never seen her before. She had four pips, however she wasn't his Captain. He had no memory of coming to sick bay, no memory of the other woman who looked to be part Klingon who cried when she saw him, though again she seemed familiar. Certainly no memory of this Doctor without a name. The sick bay looked wrong, too. He was beginning to panic.

"Where's Captain Gordon? What happened to the Gettysburg? Why am I here?" he barked to this new captain, standing before him, looking vulnerable for no reason he could think of.

~~~~~~~~~~

Kathryn stared at Chakotay, trying to formulate a coherent thought. Captain Gordon? He must mean Madolyn Gordon, Captain of the Gettysburg where Chakotay was a Lt. Commander. Before he joined the Maquis. Before Trebus was attacked by the Cardassians. Before Chakotay lost his entire family and tribe. Why the hell would he jump back there? She looked at the Doctor who pointed his head towards his office, she nodded in response.

She turned back to the patient.  "Lieutenant Commander Chakotay, I'll get some answers for you. I'll be right back," she said softly,  again, surprised at the calmness of her own voice. She felt like falling apart inside. As she turned, she saw B'Elanna run out of sickbay. Walking quickly to the Doctor, she called Tom and told him B'Elanna needed some help, ordered him to find a replacement for the helm asap.

"Doctor, what the hell is going on," she demanded,  almost crying.

The Doctor, after a moment, replied, "I don't know that I have an answer for you. Amnesia is a very complex thing. Tell me about the time frame he's in..."

She proceeded to relate to him everything she remembered, calling up her Maquis personnel database on his computer. After talking for awhile, neither could make sense of the time jump. It didn't seem to connect at all with the attack. The Doctor assured Kathryn that there was nothing he could do medically to facilitate Chakotay's memory, that only time would bring it back, if at all. Kathryn suggested a mind meld with Tuvok, the Doctor vehemently vetoed it.

Not satisfied with that, she tried to explain the urgency,  "But Chakotay might be the only one who can tell us who tried to kill him. This person can try again. They likely are still on the ship."

"I'm sorry, Captain, but a Vulcan mind meld could very easily overwhelm his brain and cause his memory to remain blocked forever. I will not allow it."

She folded her arms across her chest and sighed, then pinched the bridge of her nose.  "I didn't even ask, is this a function of the injury? Is the brain tissue damaged that holds his memories?"

"No, the damage was to a different part of the brain. This seems to be solely a protective measure on his part. We still don't understand alot about amnesia. Only that it sometimes dissappears as quickly as it appears. We can hope that will be the case with the Commander," he answered.

She threw up her hands in supplication.  "So what do I tell him? He needs to understand his injuries, and I think he needs to know that someone is trying to kill him, just so that he will be aware of anything suspicious. He'll need to go to his quarters soon, how do I explain that," she asked, her emotions beginning to overwhelm her, the realization that the Chakotay she knew might be gone from her forever weighing heavily. The lump returned, her throat closed, tears spilled out, she could no longer stop them.

The Doctor merely sat and waited. Once she was calmed, he answered. When they had a plan, she returned to the biobed, her heart almost breaking anew to see Chakotay looking at her with apprehension and a hint of mistrust.  She took a deep breath.

"Commander, I am Captain Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. You've been injured rather severely and part of your memory is gone, for the moment. The Doctor here has every confidence it will return given a bit of time. You were assigned to my ship about a year ago, with Captain Gordon's blessing. She thinks very highly of you. I need to tell you one other thing, but first, what is your reaction so far,"  she asked.   Kathryn watched a number of emotions pass across his face and had to hold her hands behind her back so that she wouldn't reach out for him.

What was going through Chakotay's mind was one word. Kathryn. "Your name is Kathryn,"  he stated with conviction.   He was overwhelmed to see this Captain's eyes fill with tears.

"Yes, that's right,"  she replied, the words almost catching in her throat.

"That's all I can remember... I guess if I know that I must be familiar with you and your ship. I feel...nervous, afraid. My head hurts." Kathryn looked at the Doctor who administered another pain supressor.

She continued, trying to keep her voice even, her demeanor relaxed.  "This last part is a bit difficult to tell you but we think it's important you know. You weren't injured in an accident. Someone tried to kill you. We're doing everything we can to find out who."

"Kill me?!" Chakotay tried to sit up but they restrained him. "But..." he sputtered, "no one I know hates me enough to do that! How can you be sure?!"

"You had a Starfleet phaser burn on your chest when we brought you here. Someone shot you then sent you down a hillside to the bottom of a canyon. You were injured on the way down. I'm sorry I had to tell you this way, I know how upsetting this must be..."

Chakotay looked again at this woman Captain staring down at him with such tenderness...

He was on this same biobed, and the part Klingon woman was standing on one side, this Captain on the other. She was touching his chest and speaking softly in his ear... other crew members he didn't recognize standing around, something he said made them chuckle. A Vulcan assuring him he understood why he did what he did... A medicine wheel over his head...

Chakotay focused his eyes and happened to look behind his head. There was the same medicine wheel, it looked like one he'd seen in the elder's house back home. How did it get here? And where was the doctor?

"Chakotay? What happened,"  Kathryn asked, her heart beginning to pound.

He felt his eyes locking onto hers as he answered, "I had a memory I think. So you call me by my familiar name, too?"

"Yes...  Are you okay?"

"I think so. Aside from someone wanting to kill me, that is," he said with a rare grin.  Kathryn nearly fell apart at the sight of his left dimple. "When can I get out of here?" he pleaded.
 

Kathryn laughed. That was the Chakotay she knew.  "Very soon. You need to continue to rest. Your pelvis and leg were broken badly, they are repaired but must finish the regeneration process. And your head also has to rest. I think if you agree to keep to your quarters and don't do anything strenuous, the Doctor may be convinced to let you out. You would be under guard, however, for your protection."

"I understand. Would you talk to the doctor for me? I want to leave now," he pleaded again.

How could she ever refuse those eyes?  Not for something like this anyway.   Kathryn smiled at him and walked toward the Doctor's office.

Since the Doctor required Chakotay to stay for at least another hour while he ran some further tests, Kathryn called the senior staff to the briefing room. She was grateful to see B'Elanna's tears had turned to resolve, the look in her eyes was one that Kathryn had just seen in the mirror. She asked Tuvok to give a further report on the investigation.

"Captain, I checked the shuttles' flight recorders to see if any left the ship today. Negative. We've now checked everything. With the lack of any possible opportunity, perhaps we should begin to look at motive as a means of finding the assailant," Tuvok answered.

Tom spoke up, looking first at Tuvok, then at Janeway. "So what you're saying, if I understand what Harry told me, is that there is no record of anyone being on the planet other than me and Tuvok?"

Kathryn tried to reassure him. "That's how it appears, Tom, but I don't believe it and neither does Tuvok. You are absolutely not under any suspicion. I want you to hear that from me. Do you understand?"

"Yes, Captain, I do. And I guess I need to say, in front of everyone, that I didn't do it. I'd like to take whoever did and throw them out the nearest airlock, however," he said with conviction, clutching B'Elanna's hand and exchanging a small smile with her.

"Well, I'm sure that won't be necessary. Tom, Harry, I know you're up to speed on Chakotay's condition, but the rest of you... I need to tell you..."  She proceeded to fill Tuvok, Seven, and Neelix in on the amnesia. She described 'where' Chakotay was, and what they needed to know to talk to him. No one was to push him, but if he had memories, they were more than welcome to confirm them. "I'll be spending more time than usual with him in the next day or two. He has accepted that he knew me, had one small memory, and feels comfortable with me. The Doctor doesn't think it would be a good idea for him to be alone.  He'll be going to his quarters in a little while and I expect that will be a jolt for him.  The  quarters will be under guard, and there will be a level 10 forcefield, just like sickbay right now. And not a word to anyone outside of this room about the amnesia. I want the assailant to be the only other person to realize that he has no memory of the attack. Now, let's get back to the motive issue. Tuvok, how long would it take to question every member of the crew?"

"With my security staff alone, days. With some help, sooner. However, Captain, this is still a monumental task."

She slapped one hand on the table, her voice rising.  "I don't care. Do it. Take anyone you need, we're not going anywhere until this is solved. If any of you have heard anything, anything at all, that could shed some light on who might have a motive to kill Chakotay I want to hear it. Everything will be heard in confidence. I want answers and I want them yesterday. Do I make myself clear?"

Harry hesitated, but felt someone needed to say it. "Captain, permission to speak freely?" She nodded. "I just wanted to say that I'm sorry, that he's got amnesia, not just for us but for you in particular. If you need any relief I'd be happy to help. He may not remember me, but I think I could handle that if it would give you a break."

Kathryn was overwhelmed, again, for a moment. Harry started to look a little blurry but she pressed on. "Thank you. I'll keep that in mind," she said gently.  As nothing else was forthcoming, she dismissed the meeting.

So. He didn't die. Fucking Janeway doesn't get her heart broken. Yet. There's got to be another way... it's a good thing I'm going off my shift. I can make plans...

Kathryn stopped at Chakotay's quarters to pick up some clothing. She took the time to strip the bedding and put some clean sheets on, remembering how much she liked that when she was sick. She'd only been in his bedroom when he was sick, or recovering from some injury or another. She ruminated on that fact as she opened drawers, grabbing pants, a shirt, underwear. Since he was going to be transported, she didn't bother with shoes and socks, wondering if he always liked being barefoot or if that was a recent thing. She'd take that risk. What if his taste in off-duty clothing changed drastically since he joined the Maquis? She wasn't going to be able to second guess everything for him...

She was relieved to see him sitting upright in the biobed, with a small smile on his face at the sight of her. Such a little thing, a smile. He couldn't know what it meant to her at that moment. She talked with the Doctor in his office while Chakotay got dressed, got a small medkit supplied with pain supressors and a tricorder, contacted Tuvok in the transporter room, made certain Chakotay was ready to see his quarters and finally the two of them were out of sickbay.

It was still a shock to him, Kathryn could see him even sway a bit after materializing. He managed to sit on the couch and slowly look around at his personal items, taking slow, deep breaths. She gave him a moment to himself, finding a clean towel in the bathroom, turning down the bed, putting the medkit on the dresser, being sure everything was as ready as she could make it.

"Thank you," his deep voice directly behind her caused her to nearly jump.

"For what?"

"It looks like you've worked hard getting the sick room ready for the patient. I'm okay, you know," he said softly.

"Well, you're not actually. But you are stubborn," she answered,  smiling, "and never an easy patient to take care of."

"So you've had practice at this?"  His eyebrows raised in surprise.

"Yes. You've been through some scrapes and a couple of illnesses."

"And the Captain of the Starship takes personal care of me?"

She blushed.  How to explain it to him... "Well, we're friends. Friends help friends when they need it." That should do it, she thought. He was studying her, however, which caused her blush to spread. "So, would you like to take a shower? I have a feeling your muscles could use the hot water..."

"And are you going to help me with that, too," he asked, flashing her a small dimple.

"I hadn't planned on it, unless you need the help," she replied, her heart skipping a little. "I'll show you how the water works, then wait out here where I can hear you if you holler, okay?"

He nodded with apparent relief. She just wasn't sure what he was relieved about.

Tuvok was going over Commander Chakotay's logs, attempting to quickly comprehend years of the daily duties of the first officer. He was looking for anything out of the ordinary, hoping to find a clue that would facilitate the crew interviews. The task of talking to 145 people on the chance that something would be an obvious motive for murder was logically more than daunting. Tuvok decided that he would need to enlist the assistance of the Captain to review this massive a database of logs if there was any hope of solving this case quickly. And with the murderer still in their midst, speed of discovery was of paramount importance.

In his experience as a Security Officer, he knew that motive was highly emotional in nature. What would drive someone to kill someone else, after all these years of being in space together? Had anything changed in the Commander's life recently? One topic that had not been discussed as yet was the possibility that this could be what was once called a 'crime of passion'. As far as he knew, the Commander had not been romantically involved with anyone, particularly not a member of the crew, for some time. His feelings for the Captain were common knowledge, though those feelings had not always stopped him from some personal involvements. Tuvok sent a memo to the Captain, detailing his conclusions about the 'crime of passion' possibility as well as requesting her assistance with the Commander's logs. He sent a copy of this memo to all members of the senior staff, asking them to contemplate what he now called the 'COP' scenario.

Chakotay stood under the hot water hoping for miracles. His body was sore everywhere and he still felt slightly dizzy. His emotions were all over the place. Kathryn. His Captain. He'd never called a captain by their first name that he could remember and he knew from her reactions that something was being withheld. Something about their relationship didn't seem right. Her presence affected him strongly. He felt good when she was around and didn't like it when she left. He was very glad she was going to stay with him. And she had known he preferred to go without shoes in his own quarters. His quarters. He recognized some of the items as things he had seen in his village but he didn't remember owning them before. He suddenly felt dizzier and leaned against the wall.

"Kathryn!" he managed to call loudly, he hoped.

~~~~~~~~~~

Kathryn was in the bathroom like a shot, her heart pounding.

"What's wrong?" she demanded from outside the shower.   She couldn't hear a coherent answer, however, and yanked the shower door open. Chakotay was sitting on the floor with his head on his knees. She ran and got the tricorder, scanned him and saw his blood pressure was very low.

"Chakotay, can you hear me?" she asked urgently.   A mumble from him was the only response. "I'm going to lower the heat of the shower gradually, I think you just almost fainted, we need to get your blood moving, hold on..."  She adjusted the controls, but not quickly enough, for he was starting to slump. She had to hold him up with one arm and cool the water off with the other. He started to come back to reality and she turned the water off completely.

"Can you keep yourself from falling?"

He nodded. She grabbed a cloth and put some cold water on it, then placed it on his neck. "Hey! That's cold," he protested.

"Good, that means you don't need it," she said with a smile.  She tossed it in the sink. "Deep breaths.. that's good... more. Let me see your face."  He looked up at her, disarmingly youthful looking, causing her heart to skip.  "Your color looks normal. Okay, can you stand by yourself?"

"You're drenched," he stated, ignoring her question.

She looked at herself and sighed.  "You're right. I'll borrow an undertunic from you, don't worry about me. Can you stand?"

"Kathryn, I always worry about you," he said with conviction.

Her heart stopped as she met his eyes, seeing the surprise there, seeing a flash of the man she loved there as well.

"That's true, isn't it," he asked quietly.

"Yes, Chakotay, that's true. You're very protective of me," she answered just as quietly.  She took a deep breath. "However, at the moment, you are the one who needs some help."

He looked down for a moment, then met her eyes again.  "No, I'm fine, I think. Hand me the towel. I can do it, I promise."

She did as he requested, turning away to give him some privacy as he got himself upright, grateful not to hear a falling body.

Tom, B'Elanna and Harry had all read the memo from Tuvok. They were in Tom's quarters, discussing the COP scenario. B'Elanna, being the one person closest to Chakotay, felt the possibility was slim at best. She had to concede, however, that many of the women on the ship would jump at the chance to help him forget the Captain, so he might have been seeing someone without her knowledge. Tom thought this was a possibility as well, though B'Elanna wasn't so sure he wasn't projecting just a bit. Harry alone believed Chakotay would never get involved with a member of Janeway's crew. An alien, maybe. A member of the crew, never. Not unless the Captain and the Commander had a total and potentially final falling out would Chakotay do something that would hurt Janeway so much. Tom thought Harry was just too in awe of Chakotay and dismissed the argument.

B'Elanna suddenly remembered an incident from the previous month. She had come upon Chakotay and Crewmember Johannsen with their heads together on deck 13, speaking intensely. Mariska looked upset. Chakotay appeared to be pursuading her about something. The conversation stopped as soon as B'Elanna got close enough to hear anything, Mariska walking away wiping tears from her cheeks. Later that afternoon in Engineering B'Elanna had tried to ask her if she was alright but her staff member refused to talk to her. Chakotay claimed it was a personal issue. Lately Mariska had been more subdued than usual. B'Elanna wrote this up in a memo, sending it to Tuvok and the Captain, with a copy to the senior staff.

Chakotay was in bed, having received another pain supressor, his head pounding once he was standing again. Kathryn was now wearing his undertunic which practically came to mid-thigh on her. She was grateful that her uniform pants were only damp, though she had doubts that her jacket would be dry even by morning. She was also grateful that the mirror in the bathroom had been so steamed up, he hadn't yet seen his tattoo. She had replicated them some food though he didn't eat much unless she almost forced it past his lips. He claimed he hated replicated food. She wasn't sure how he'd react to Neelix' cooking but decided to arrange for breakfast from the mess hall just in case. She'd enjoyed sitting on his bed with him while they ate. He told her about Captain Gordon and his time on the Gettysburg most of which she'd never heard before. He fell asleep soon after eating and she took the opportunity to retreat to the main room, calling the Doctor to report and catching up on the investigation, reading the various reports and memos.

Reading Tuvok's discussion of the COP scenario Kathryn became unaccountably furious. Chakotay involved with a member of the crew? How could anyone think that? He would never do that. She fired off an angry response encouraging everyone to look elsewhere. But when she got to B'Elanna's memo she paused. Mariska Johannsen? Chakotay wasn't involved with anyone a month ago, she would have been able to tell. She'd wait to see what Tuvok found out from her.

She agreed to look through the last two years of Chakotay's logs, knowing the task was important, hoping she'd be able to find something. The logs were extensive, chronicling the usual ups and downs of a first officer's life, dealing with crew personnel issues, resolving disputes, setting shift schedules. She sent another memo to Tuvok asking him to try and concentrate more on the emotional response of those whose disputes Chakotay had resolved, with a copy to everyone. There had to be something.

She tried to keep her fear in perspective.  The forcefield would be effective against transports and intruders but, still, knowing the killer was on the ship and very likely waiting for another opportunity made her blood run cold.   Her priorities were at odds, wanting to meet  Chakotay's emotional and physical needs and feeling desperate to find his assailant.  She felt very lucky  their crew was so dedicated.

So there is a forcefield. No problem, tomorrow I'll arrange for the computer to give me some further information about it, they think they are so much smarter than me...

Kathryn was exhausted but still finding sleep elusive. She was curled up on the couch, wrapped in one of Chakotay's native blankets, comfortable without her damp pants clinging to her ankles. She was physically comfortable, but her mind wouldn't shut down. Images of him at the bottom of the canyon, seeing him shot, then rolled down the hill, hitting all the boulders and shrubs on the way, his body breaking and breaking and breaking... she couldn't turn them off. Then him in sickbay, battered and twisted. And gone from her. Chakotay was gone and he may never return. No angry warrior, no steel flash of Maquis when pushed, no gentle spirituality, some of the best parts of him just gone.  In her exhaustion, Kathryn finally gave in and let the tears come, trying to be as quiet as she could but completely losing control.

~~~~~~~~~~

Chakotay woke up with a start, thinking something was wrong but not sure what. He got up slowly, taking his time as Kathryn had instructed, so he wouldn't faint again. He felt better and was relieved. He went looking for her, finding her asleep on his couch. Standing over her he noticed she was hiccuphing while she slept as though she had been crying. Maybe she had just fallen asleep. His heart lurched to think of her upset which forced him into a decision. He had to know what their relationship really was. There must be something around that would jog his memory, these were his quarters, where would he put personal things that he wouldn't want just anyone to see....

Searching through the bottoms of drawers in his bedroom he finally found what he was looking for. There were letters, some stuff that looked like momentos, and some images, a few of them framed. Looking at one of him and Kathryn in tropical clothing, smiling broadly, he suddenly remembered when it was taken.

They were at a party, the same unfamiliar crew members from sick bay surrounding them, they had been given leis by young women when they arrived. But from where he didn't know, nor where exactly they were. Dancing with Kathryn, laughing with her, talking about home with her, walking along the beach hand in hand in the moonlight...

It hit him like another phaser blast. He was in love with her, he knew it and felt it suffuse every fiber of his being. It was overwhelming. He knew her completely.  And he knew she was in love with him, too. They loved each other. No wonder she was so upset, no wonder she cried herself to sleep...

He went to her side letting the sight of her confirm everything he remembered. Then with great care to his own body, he gently picked her up and brought her into his bed. He got in next to her, curled himself around her with a huge sense of peace and fell back asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~

Kathryn woke up to the sound of heavy breathing in her ear and the feel of it on her neck. An arm was around her and looking down she recognized the hand. How the hell had she gotten into bed with him? One part of her brain said 'bolt', the larger part said 'stay'. It had been a long time since they slept together and never by choice, just for the pleasure of it. Always out of the necessity of survival. She desperately wanted to be close to him, so after snuggling a bit nearer she allowed herself to fall back asleep.

~~~~~~~~~~

Chakotay was thrashing around the bed, speaking incoherently. Kathryn thought she heard "Seska" as she came to. She immediately rolled over and grabbed his arms, trying to waken him, calling his name. His eyes flew open and meeting hers, he did nothing more than speak her name and wrap his arms around her, pulling her to his chest. To her it was just what she needed. She lay there, listening to his heart beat as it slowed and became strong and steady.

"I love you, Kathryn, I remembered..." he said, kissing the top of her head.

Her heart stopped again. "Remembered?" she said quietly.

"That we love each other. It's okay, everything's going to be okay now."

Kathryn's ability to keep her composure was completely gone in his arms. She let the tears fall as he comforted her. She didn't have the heart to tell him that it would never be okay. Though why this experience was not okay was a bit beyond her at that moment...

~~~~~~~~~~

Waking up Kathryn realized why she had been dreaming the dreams. She was not laying next to Chakotay, but rather almost on top of him. Her face was against his neck and one leg was draped over his stomach with his hand gently holding her thigh. The dream producing touch, however, was his other hand which had worked its way up under the shirt, where it rested on the small of her back, a few fingertips just under the lace running along the top of her panties. She told herself this was a very dangerous position to be in and that she should extract herself quickly and quietly. She repeated the admonition twice more in her head. At the same time wondering what would happen if she woke him up, where his hands would travel. He smelled awfully good, his skin was warm and smooth. Her desire for him was betraying her as she found herself quietly kissing his neck, languidly trailing her hand through his soft hair, allowing herself this stolen time. She knew she was taking unfair advantage of the situation but she was beyond caring.

"M-m-m," she heard him rumble. Uh oh, too late.  And there went the hands, one moving up and down and around her thigh, softly, the other heading up her back then over to her side, fingertips trailing fire up to her arm and back down again. Her body betrayed her again, moving against him, responding to every touch with one of her own as her free hand caressed his face, his neck and the parts of his chest and arm she could reach. There was a dim part of her that knew she was dangerously close, or perhaps had already crossed the line. She also knew that if he kissed her she would be over it in a nanosecond.  Her heart began to hammer against the walls of her chest.

He was turning his head, his hands leaving her body to gently pull her  away from his neck. She closed her eyes, suddenly afraid, the hammering getting louder and louder.

"Kathryn, look at me," he said softly, with a voice like velvet. She couldn't resist and opened her eyes to his. She saw such love and desire it was her complete, total, undoing and she met the look with one of her own.

"I love you, Chakotay..." she said,  the words surprising her, but not him.  His lips were on hers before she knew it, sending her stomach on a rapid descent to her toes.  The soft, gentle, insistent kisses became deep and passionate and she was vaguely aware that she had been right, she was over the line in a nanosecond. She was his, completely, from that moment...

Their bodies were moving again in concert with their mouths, gently writhing against each other, hands moving slowly, tenderly. Suddenly,  Chakotay pulled back  and looked directly into her eyes with a slightly sad expression. "Kathryn, love, I forgot. I can't do this yet, Doctor's orders. My pelvis. He was very specific... I'm sorry. I love you, I want you..."

Kathryn had a brief urge to run to sickbay and delete the EMH program, then realized what Chakotay was saying. The Doctor had given him specific instructions to not have sexual relations?  "What did the Doctor say, exactly?"  She managed a coherent sentence, though he was now kissing her neck, doing unspeakable things with his tongue somewhere in the vacinity of her ear. Why again had she denied them this for so long...

"... a few days..." he was saying.

She mentally shook herself. "What? I'm sorry, I missed that... your tongue..." she said.  He chuckled in her ear, a sound she had been afraid yesterday she'd never hear again.

"He told me to put off any sexual relations for a few days. I thought it was a bit odd, given that he knew I had amnesia."

"When did he tell you this?"

"Just before you came with my clothes. Why?"

She began to laugh. "I don't know if I can answer that right now. Maybe when your memory comes back completely, remind me and I'll tell you. So can I get a rain check," she asked, surprising herself yet again. What the hell was she doing...

"Of course. I love you, Kathryn. I think I have for quite awhile, though I'm not sure how that can be if I've only known you one year," he answered.

She thought at that moment he looked to be about eighteen, vulnerable and soft around the edges. He was nuzzling her neck again... "Don't worry about that, Chakotay. You'll remember everything, you have to," she said.

"What aren't you telling me? I mean besides 'everything'. There's another reason you want me to remember, isn't there? About the assault?"

"I'm going to be honest with you. Yes, it's about the assault. You knew the attacker, he or she was close to you when they shot so it was someone you trusted ... though that virtually is the entire crew."

"I trust the entire crew? I find that hard to believe..."

Damn, she thought,  she remembered too late he wasn't a first officer on the Gettysburg. "Well, I can't explain why that's the case. Just believe me, it is."

"I think I'd believe anything you told me," he replied softly.   He began to kiss her again and Kathryn felt every nerve in her body responding. "I'm sorry," he said as he stopped. "That's not a good idea. Maybe cold showers are in order?" He smiled fully and his face lit up. She reached up and traced his dimples, feeling tears threatening again.

"Maybe. Any chance for more sleep?" She looked past him to the chronometer. It wasn't yet 0600 and she didn't want to get out of this bed yet.

"Hm-m-m, there is another option, though I can't remember if it's something we do... why can't I remember that? Kathryn, why can't I remember?" He was beginning to feel upset. He knew he loved this woman with everything in him yet he couldn't remember how they made love, or what she liked. He couldn't even remember making love with her before, but being with her felt so natural and right, as though he had loved her his entire life.

Kathryn took one look at his pain and her heart nearly broke. She felt horribly guilty for leading him on and taking advantage of him. She needed to tell him the truth but just couldn't. She was terribly afraid he would withdraw. She mentally shook herself again, almost laughing hysterically. She was afraid he would withdraw. She had definately crossed the line, permanently. She held him to her, giving him words of comfort, assuring him he would remember when it was time and that everything would be okay in the end. She needed to hear it as much as he did. They eventually fell back asleep in each other's arms.

Captain, you will need to follow up in logs more recent than one month ago. This incident was mentioned by Lieutenant Ayala and only pertinent logs were consulted. Tuvok.
=====
Tuvok sent the report off, copied to senior staff, and proceeded to head into logs of 3 years previous, scanning quickly for key words.

This time when Kathryn woke, she knew she had to get up. She slowly extracted herself from Chakotay's arms and legs, grateful that he stayed asleep. After putting her pants on, now dry, and her bra then trying to fix her face enough to be seen she had a cup of coffee on his replicator rations.  Then she called Harry to see if he would stay before his shift started. Just so she could go to her quarters and get some clothes and work and maybe a book or two for Chakotay.  He agreed and was at the door within minutes. Kathryn took down the forcefield long enough for him to enter then put it back up. A small clutch of fear grabbed her heart as it was down, which she quickly stifled.  Harry looked almost questioningly at her attire and she had to stifle a laugh at his expense. He was trying to maintain some semblance of professionalism, bless his heart.

"Don't ask, we had a little problem when Chakotay took a shower. Don't let him stay in there by himself," she said, giving him a warm smile.   She proceeded to pass along the pertinent medical instructions.  She picked up her still damp clothing and continued.  "He's asleep. I'll be back as soon as I can. If I'm not back by the time you have to get to the bridge, give me a call and I'll notify Tuvok. And thank you, Harry."

"No problem, Captain. Take your time. My assignments today are to interview the rest of the Operations team and then help B'Elanna with the Engineering interviews. Don't worry, he'll be fine."

"Is it that obvious?"  She only meant the worrying, not the rest...

"Only to those of us who see you both every day, if you'll excuse me for saying so," Harry replied sincerely.  He had the good grace to blush and Kathryn was surprised that she didn't. She was also surprised that the ensign standing in front of her held absolutely no judgement in his eyes as he spoke.

"I'll be back soon," she managed to say as she turned and left, forcefield down, door open, then quickly back up.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Kathryn..." was heard coming from the bedroom, and Harry headed for the door. "I woke up and you were gone," Chakotay was saying, sitting up slowly swinging his legs over the side. His eyes opened wide upon seeing Harry, then narrowed almost in concentration.

"Good morning, Commander. The Captain needed to leave for a little bit, she'll be back soon. I'm Ensign Harry Kim. How are you feeling?" Harry's brain was just registering what Chakotay had said. He tried to keep a passive face plastered on, though in his heart he was cheering.

"Harry, shouldn't you be asleep? Didn't beta shift end six hours ago?" Chakotay asked, then smiled deeply. "I just remembered something else, didn't I? You have bridge command duty on beta shift."

Harry felt a very welcome spark of hope and smiled in return. "Congratulations, yes you did. I sometimes work beta in the command chair. You ... the Captain has given me the opportunity. I certainly appreciate it. How are you feeling? Can I get you anything?"

"Honestly, a bit better than last night, though still shaky. I could use another pain supressor and a hand standing up after that. I need to get to the bathroom."

Harry got a hypospray and gave him a dose. "I just hope you don't plan on taking a shower, I didn't bring a change of uniform," he said, chuckling.

"I think you've been hanging around with Tom way too much..." Chakotay was quiet for a moment, then stared at him. "Things are coming back, though so slowly. Tom... pilot. Known him a long time but something bad at the beginning..."

Harry saw his eyes glaze over as he started to sway. He quickly pushed Chakotay's head down between his knees.  "Stay there, Commander."  He raced to the bathroom and got a cold cloth, placing it gently on the man's neck. This time Chakotay did not complain about the temperature. Harry ran the tricorder and watched the blood pressure rise to normal. "You feeling better?" he asked.  He was relieved to see a face with normal color and clear eyes look up at him, nodding. "How about I get you some juice while you sit here for a few minutes? I think you like orange, right? I'll be right back," Harry said, turning and quickly heading to the replicator.

~~~~~~~~~~

Chakotay sat trying to clear his mind, surprised that an ensign would know what his favorite juice was. Grateful, but surprised. He didn't remember being that close to crewmembers on the Gettysburg. As the drink hit his tongue he realized how thirsty he was and downed the glass quickly. Harry helped him stand and feeling pretty good, waved off the assistance to the bathroom, convincing the worried looking young man that he could handle things alone. What had he done to engender such concern, he wondered.

After rinsing his mouth from the sonic teeth cleaning he looked at himself closely for the first time in the mirror. Chakotay felt his stomach sink and the room start to spin. This time, he tried to take care of it himself, hanging his head and taking some deep breaths. Just as he was about to call for help, he felt better. He took the risk and looked again. There was his father's tattoo on his forehead. His mind was a total blank, almost. Terrible images were playing out in front of his eyes, of Trebus... He stumbled to the door, pushing the pad to open it.

~~~~~~~~~~

Harry took one look at him and grabbed his arm, practically pushing him down onto the bed. He had no idea what had happened, but clearly it wasn't good. He watched one of the strongest men he had ever known collapse, curl himself into a fetal position and stare at nothing. Harry had never been so grateful to hear a door open in his life.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Harry, how's it... oh my God, what happened?" Kathryn rushed to Chakotay's side. "Chakotay...it's Kathryn. Please, look at me..." She stroked his face and looked at Harry.

"Captain, I don't know what happened. He went into the bathroom, I heard him use the toilet, then clean his teeth, then he stumbled out here and ..." He waved his hand in Chakotay's direction.

"Oh no, the mirror. Damn,  I forgot. Chakotay, I'm so sorry..." She continued to try and bring him around, sitting herself on the floor in front of his face until the shaking started as Chakotay came back to her.

He muttered one word, meeting Kathryn's eyes. "Trebus..." She didn't know what to say in response. His shaking was getting worse.

"Harry, give me a hand, help me move him enough..." Kathryn was trying to sit against the wall and put his head on her lap. Harry rearranged the covers and the Commander but he was still shaking terribly. She pointed. "Over there, on the bottom shelf are more blankets. Get two more, he's in shock, we've got to get him warm." Kathryn called the Doctor while Harry wrapped Chakotay. The Doctor now on his way was such a relief to her that she felt tears falling down her cheeks though she wasn't crying.

Harry was starting to formulate an idea, watching but not really seeing the Captain trying to comfort the man he admired most. "Captain, after the Doc leaves I'd like to talk to you about what else happened this morning while you were gone," he said, standing straight.

"Of course," she answered.   She notified Tuvok of Harry's excused absence. This time the door opening was a relief to them both.

~~~~~~~~~

"Captain, a sedative is exactly the wrong thing to give him. He needs to stay warm, which you've done, and have fluids and some food." The Doctor was running the tricorder. "It appears that his bones are coming along nicely," he said, looking down his nose at Kathryn.

"Harry, would you excuse us for a minute?"

"Of course," he replied,  and left.

Kathryn stared hard at the Doctor.  "I'd like to have a word with you about your instructions to Chakotay regarding his pelvis." Chakotay stirred on her lap.

"I'm not dead yet, you know. Talk to me..." he mumbled.

"No, Commander, you are certainly not that. My instructions stand, however..."

Kathryn interrupted him. "That's not what I meant, and I think you know that."

"Perhaps, Captain, this discussion would be more fruitful at a later date?"

"Fine. Just don't think you're off the hook yet, Doctor,"  she said sternly.

Chakotay's shaking stopped during this conversation. He was completely still. Kathryn could feel that he was not all that relaxed as she stroked his head and shoulders. She looked at the Doctor and pointed to her eyes, questioning. He mouthed 'open' and sat on the bed.

"Commander," the Doctor said gently, "I have two instructions for you. One, you need to eat something, preferably with a little sweet. Two, you need to drink as much as you can. Do you think you can do that?"

Chakotay mumbled an affirmative answer.

"Good. I'll check back with you in a couple of hours. Continue to do what you're doing." As he stood, he indicated to Kathryn that she should talk to Chakotay. She nodded. He left.

"Chakotay, I need to get up and get you breakfast and talk to Harry, okay?" She started to move.

His response was to grab her leg tightly, immobilizing it. With a lump in her throat, she managed to reassure him she'd stay and called Harry.

He handed her a padd upon entering, telling her everything was there. She asked him to go to the mess hall and get some of Neelix' bread, jam, any fruit available and a caraffe of coffee for her. He went first to the replicator and made another large glass of juice and a tubestraw. As he handed it to Kathryn, she saw how happy he was to be helping. The lump in her throat returned as she tried to express her gratitude. Harry merely bowed his head in response and left, Kathryn doing her best to deal with the forcefield as quickly as possible.

"Can you sit up and drink this juice? It's important..."

"Damned Doctor," he muttered, raising himself on his elbow, taking the straw and downing half the juice immediately. He started shivering again, even as Kathryn tried to keep the blankets on him.

"Finish it, quickly. Then we've got to get more clothes on you, one top at least, or two."

He drank. "Don't want a top on..." he said with chattering teeth.

"Too bad, you're getting one."

"Am I being a bad patient now?" he asked, grinninglightly at her, but it didn't reach his eyes.

"You're just being you," she said softly. "But, you're putting a top on. Captain's orders. And I need to get it." She quickly moved to sit on the edge of the bed and started to rise. He was quicker, however, and grabbed her hand, pulling her back and somehow getting her to land in his arms. He held her tightly.

"Body heat is all I need, Kathryn.... I need you..." His mouth found hers hungrily. As Kathryn's senses became solely focused on her mouth and his and the feelings surging through her body she felt Chakotay start to shake and tasted salt water. She pulled away from his kiss and held him as he sobbed.

"I need to know I'm alive, " he choked out repeatedly as she tried to comfort him. When his tears slowed and his shaking quieted she kissed his face softly, telling him she loved him, sorry he had to go through all of this grief again, grateful she was there with him this time.

The door chimed. She gently pushed him back until he was leaning against the wall, their eyes never wavering. She tapped her comm and told Harry to give them a minute, then got a warm wet cloth which Chakotay used on his face, handed him an undertunic and a sweater she always liked, smiling to herself as he put it on.  Running a hand through his hair he looked more and more like a slightly disheveled version of the Chakotay she knew.  Her heart melted at the sight.

"Computer, run analysis of level ten forcefield, giving duration and frequency of shut downs, routing response to this station. Run analysis every fifteen minutes." Now let's see how good they are...

While Chakotay ate some breakfast and she drank coffee next to him Kathryn read Harry's padd.

=====
To: Captain Janeway

From: Ensign Harry Kim

Observations on the Commander's reactions to memories: while he had no negative physical response to remembering details about me, in fact was pleased with himself, upon remembering his and Tom's early relationship (i.e. Maquis time) his blood pressure dropped significantly. Subsequently followed by his collapse upon remembering the slaughter at Trebus. He never, however, mentioned 'Maquis' or seemed to identify it. Perhaps a connection there?
=====

Interesting, she thought. How to ask Chakotay why he fainted in the shower without him doing it again?

"Kathryn? I'd like to talk now. About Trebus, and my tattoo ... can you answer some questions for me?"

"Well, I'm supposed to let you remember on your own, but I can tell you if your memories are accurate. Would that help?"

"I think so..." As the questions proceeded, it was clear that his memories were still only coming in half-leaps. His memories of the Cardassian attack of his village were accurate, though he didn't remember that he was on the Gettysburg at the time. Kathryn confirmed that he got the tattoo to honor his father and his ancestors, he didn't remember his medicine bundle. He was feeling some of the same rage against the Cardassian's that drove him to join the Maquis, but now felt it undirected. He never mentioned the word 'Maquis'. Kathryn suddenly remembered his nightmare, Seska's name spoken. Maybe Harry really was on to something.

Chakotay was emotionally and physically spent afterwards, but wanting to be close to Kathryn he balked at getting under the covers again as she was heading into the main room to work. She got him settled on the couch after a trip to the bathroom, tucked his native throw around him and sighed to see him asleep before she was finished. She tried to put her own emotions aside but was only partially successful. The 'skills' she had developed for hiding her deep feelings of love were clearly no longer effective.

She worked. After reading Tuvok's report on Christie and Lee, she checked the logs but found nothing more recent that what he had read. She sent her response. As she was reading Chakotay's logs as quickly as she could, aside from being again impressed with how he handled personnel things, she was overwhelmed with the sheer volume of information to look through. He was always brutally honest, which for their work was good, but it made for many many red flags popping up in her head as she read. And before this she had no idea how many times a week he was called upon to settle something. Life in the Delta Quadrant. A smooth running ship, but a crew that often went a little stir crazy. Beep. She opened the incoming memo.

=====
To:Captain Janeway, Mr.Tuvok, Mr. Paris, Mr. Kim, Ms. Torres, Seven of Nine.

From: Neelix, Head Chef, USS Voyager.

...Kathryn made note to ask Neelix who was now working under him, chuckling to herself...

This morning in the mess hall, I happened to overhear a conversation between three crewmembers, McDermott, Roberts and Sho'scu. Roberts was gossiping about the Captain spending the night in the Commander's quarters, excuse me Captain. McDermott and Sho'scu quickly told her to be quiet, Roberts responded by making a most unkind remark about the Commander. Implied that the only reason he was given the first officer's position was, well, I won't say it. Her hostility was evident, however. Will this be helpful?
=====

Kathryn sighed. Helpful? Who knew. Roberts was a former Maquis, though. She sent a follow up memo to B'Elanna for her feedback.

B'Elanna and Harry were both extremely frustrated. Sitting in her office after another round of crew interviews they merely stared at each other in disgust.

"This is getting nowhere fast, Harry. And after what you told me about Chakotay this morning, I feel ready to slit someone's throat! Don't get me wrong, I'm happy he and the Captain are getting closer, believe me. I want him to find some happiness. But talking to these people isn't getting us any nearer to the pig who did this to him. I can feel it. We're going in circles."

"I agree with you. Let's send a memo to the Captain, maybe she'll be open to another idea."

B'Elanna turned on her console, read through the report from Tuvok, the memo from Neelix and the personal one from the Captain. Harry had filled her in on Chakotay's memory problems so she was aware of the Maquis theory he was proposing. Roberts? She wasn't the brightest Maquis, but she had adjusted fairly well to Voyager as far as B'Elanna knew. Her personal life? She didn't know. On the Liberty she had been close to Chell, Roger and of course Jonas, mostly. Her feelings for Chakotay? Same as most of the women on the Liberty. Enough said. She sent her analysis off, copied to Tuvok only. Then she and Harry composed the more important one, in their mind, also chosing to send it to just the Captain and Tuvok. They looked at each other, groaned simultaneously, and headed back to more interviewing.

Captain, as you can see Mariska Johannsen refuses to cooperate. Whether or not this is significant to our investigation may only be determined in time. Tuvok.
=====

Tuvok was unaccountably reluctant to send this to the Captain. Not wanting to look too carefully at the reasons why, he lowered his eyebrow and pushed the 'send' button.

Kathryn read Tuvok's report before B'Elanna and Harry's. She was shocked, to say the least. Mariska refusing to cooperate? What could she have to hide? Kathryn didn't want to think about it, her heart already feeling a little chill at the thought of the crewmember and Chakotay. She quickly went to the log entry, having for some reason missed it earlier in the day. Sure enough, there wasn't anything of substance there. She looked at the man sleeping on the couch so peacefully. Remember Chakotay! Please, I need you to, now. As if on cue, Chakotay stretched and opened his eyes, meeting hers. After a moment of staring, he smiled fully. Her heart instantly began to flutter.

"Kathryn, you're working too hard. As usual. And how many cups of coffee have you had? I bet you're on your fifth or sixth by now," he said, grinning.  He propped his head up on one hand and motioned her over with the other.

Her heart stopped again. He didn't even realize what he had just said. "How do you know what my usual is?"

He laughed a very deep one. "I'm not really sure, but seeing you concentrating so intently over that console just reminded me. I guess I must know you or something."

"I guess you do at that," she said, regarding him carefully.  "You certainly have woken up in a good mood. Any idea why?"

"I'd be better if you'd get over here..." He patted the couch as he scooted himself against the back. "Come on, Kathryn, please?" he pleaded, grinning,  his eyes glittery.

"I have another memo to read and more logs to get through if we're to find out who's trying to kill you." She tried to send him a no-nonsense look, ineffective because she was so torn.  Again, how to keep him alive,  happy, give in to her need to love him and be loved by him, afraid to lose him, an all-out war raging inside her.

"And I appreciate that, believe me. But right at the moment, I need something else from you. Come on..."  He patted the couch again, still grinning, dimples flashing at her, breaking down her resolve.

She got up, not really all that reluctantly. "Okay, big guy. But only for a few minutes..." She lay down facing him on the sliver of couch available, blissfully melting into his embrace, falling in love with him all over again as his kisses and caresses broke down the last little bit ...

~~~~~~~~~~

=====
To: Captain Janeway, Lt. Com. Tuvok

From: B'Elanna Torres, Harry Kim

After hours of interviewing both the Operations and Engineering crews, we have come to the conclusion that this line of inquiry is getting us no closer to determining the attacker of Commander Chakotay. While we understand the reasons for looking at motive, we believe that opportunity needs to be looked at one more time. We also believe that our combined knowledge of the systems of Voyager, applied to the conundrum we face, could possibly determine how someone managed to get down to the planet without leaving any detectible trace. We would look at everything as though we were trying to do just that, defy detection. We believe that if we find the means the assailant used to get the opportunity, we will find the culprit, and therefore the motive. Please advise. We are ready to begin as soon as possible.
=====

Kathryn read this while eating some lunch that Neelix had brought. She had managed to extract herself from the couch after only a short period, mostly reluctantly,  accompanied by loud groans from the man she loved. He was now sitting on the couch, eating with the best appetite she'd seen so far, she was on the floor in front of him, tired of sitting at the table and enjoying his occasional distractions directed at her neck, cheeks and shoulders. She could get quite used to this, she thought.

B'Elanna and Harry's plan sounded well worth it. She hadn't liked the way Tuvok dropped the inquiry, although she understood the logic of it. No opportunity meant no opportunity. She needed to talk it over face to face asap, however. But could Chakotay handle seeing B'Elanna? She suddenly realized he was quiet behind her so she turned around.

He was staring at the console screen, eyes narrowed in concentration.

"B'Elanna Torres. I know that name, don't I? She's the part Klingon woman in sickbay who got upset seeing me. Is she in love with me, too?"

"No, she's not," she answered, then hesitated.  "She and Tom Paris are a couple."  Kathryn didn't want to say anything more.

"Then why was she crying? Why would it upset her that I didn't remember her?" His face was tight. "She and I have a strong connection, don't we?" he demanded.

"Are you guessing, or do you remember something?"

"I'm not really guessing. I thought I recognized her, like I did you when I first saw you, but I was sure I'd never met either one of you."

"I can't say any more. And at the risk of you fainting again, I need to meet with her, and Harry, and Tuvok - I'd like to do it here, as soon as possible. You willing?"

"Of course. A little fainting spell is worth getting to the bottom of this, maybe getting my memory back, and then being able to be with you in the open. I love you, Kathryn," he said, with a sincerity that took her breath away.

Oh God, what was she doing to this man, she wondered.  She called the three arranging a meeting in 20 minutes, then put Chakotay in the shower which he managed fine this time. He was soon shaved and dressed in real clothes. He was very proud of himself for doing it all with only a half dose of pain supressors and no dizziness.

I almost have all of the information I need. I am so close. I can hardly wait to see the look on Janeway's face as her heart splits in two, it will all be worth it in the end.

Chakotay sat in one of his soft chairs as Harry and the other two came in. He was a bit apprehensive but interested as well to see what his mind did as he met them. B'Elanna hung back as the Vulcan approached him. Kathryn stood at his side, the medical tricorder on the table in front of them both.

"Hello Commander Chakotay. My name is Tuvok. I am the Chief of Security here on Voyager,"  Tuvok said seriously.

"Hello Mr. Tuvok," Chakotay answered.  Nothing much registered as he put out his hand. Then the room began to spin and voices faded... he felt someone push his head down but that didn't stop the images... Tuvok was sitting behind him at a station, wearing different clothes, a vest, shirt, hands flying over the controls, Chakotay knew he was scared even for a Vulcan. He was scared, too. A woman's voice, he turned, it was B'Elanna, also in strange clothes, shouting to him about the engines... the ship was lurching, he was piloting, they called him Captain... pink clouds outside the viewport... the ship.......Kathryn's face on the screen......

"....Chakotay, can you hear me?" Kathryn's voice was calling him. His neck was cold again. He reached back to pull off the damned cloth but couldn't grasp it. Someone took it off.

"That was a bad one, wasn't it Captain?"   He heard Harry's voice, concerned.

Chakotay thought he was laughing to himself. Which Captain, he chuckled.

"Does he usually laugh his way back?"  He recognized B'Elanna's voice from his memory alone. He tried to open his eyes, seeing that the room was still and his head felt mostly on his shoulders. He remembered now that B'Elanna was his friend, his closest friend aside from Kathryn. He must have hurt her deeply by not knowing that. Focusing, he looked for her and didn't have to look far. She was sitting on the table directly in front of him, a look of fear on her face. His eyes met hers.

"B'El, no need to be afraid. I'm still me," he said softly.   He opened his arms and she fell into them, clutching him tightly. "I'm sorry..." was all he could think to say to her, grateful that she forgave him. She pulled back and swatted him on the arm, wiping her eyes dry.

"There's nothing to be sorry for, you big lug. Now, if you had died yesterday, then you'd have something to be sorry for, because I would have killed you in a nanosecond. So let us get to work so we can save your life and get your memory back, okay?"

Chakotay smiled. "You can kill me all you want, just don't eat my heart for breakfast." It was B'Elanna's heart that stopped right along with Kathryn's. "I remembered something again, didn't I," he asked, looking at them both. They just nodded. "Well, then, on that pleasant note, I'll shut up."

~~~~~~~~~~

Four of the brightest minds on Voyager sat throwing ideas back and forth. After about 15 minutes a plan was formulated that both B'Elanna and Harry agreed with. They would report directly to Tuvok if they found anything, even if it made no sense initially. They promised to follow even the smallest lead until they were certain it was a dead end. Chakotay felt a spark of hope hearing their enthusiasm. It was Harry who mentioned a very old Earth writer of detective fiction, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, whose protagonist was known for solving the unsolvable by pure logic.

"Someone all Vulcan's could relate to certainly, Sherlock Holmes. Anyway, he had a saying that went something like, after you eliminate what seems impossible, whatever's left, even though it doesn't make sense, has to be the answer. I think that's what we might have here. So let's see if we can be as good as Mr. Holmes."

So the forcefield goes down, then there's a wait of 15 to 30 seconds, then the forcefield goes up again. To get in the front door, I'm sure. The Commander's quarters certainly have been busy today...

Kathryn knew now that whatever had happened to Chakotay on that hillside had something to do with the Maquis. His response to Tuvok and B'Elanna was the final proof. She was almost pacing the quarters, waiting for an answer, mulling over the possibilities. She was so nervous, scared they wouldn't find whomever, scared they would and then what? How would she deal with it? Put the person in the brig for years until they got home? Leave them on a planet? The Federation didn't believe in capital punishment, they believed in rehabilitation. But how to rehabilitate someone who obviously had such hatred that they laid in wait for years until the opportunity presented itself to kill Chakotay. And what was going to happen once he got his memory back? She was sure that with the identity of the killer known he would remember everything. He'd know that all they said to each other over the past day wasn't entirely true. She paced and paced. The worst was that she could feel his eyes following her every move.

~~~~~~~~~~

Chakotay watched Kathryn. He could see the fear in her eyes and didn't entirely understand why it was there. She was the strongest Captain he had ever known, he was sure of that fact. And yet there she paced. He finally convinced her just to sit with him, where he could hold her.

B'Elanna had dismissed most of the Engineering crew to give them some privacy. With the ship at full stop for more than a day there wasn't much for people to do anyway, other than fill their duty shifts. She and Harry were almost to the bottom of their list of possibilities. They ran another diagnostic. Their hearts raced. They ran it again, and a third time. They looked at each other with huge smiles. Their first lead.

They trailed it to its almost logical conclusion. It took one turn which they were able to follow. Very very clever but not quite clever enough. They knew who the perpetrator was. And once they knew that, they could see how the identity had been missed in the first place. They downloaded everything to a padd and headed to Tuvok's quarters with one hour left on alpha shift.

The door to Chakotay's quarters chimed. Both their hearts lurched. It had been agreed that no comm call would be made. Kathryn lowered the forcefield, Chakotay opened the door and in walked Tuvok. Kathryn immediately put up the field. Tuvok was just being Tuvok, but his impassivity was making her want to scream.

"Report, Tuvok!" she sputtered.

"Captain, Commander, I believe they have identified the assailant. Commander it would be best, I think, if you were to sit down."

Chakotay sat again on the couch, the pounding in his chest almost as great as the one in his head. He tried to take some deep breaths. He reached out for Kathryn's hand and she gave it to him, sitting down and allowing him to clutch tightly.

"First of all, it appears that the hypothesis was correct. The logic that took us down a particular path had a fatal flaw. An assumption was made at the very beginning. It was erroneous and caused everything that followed to be erroneous..."

Kathryn interrupted him in frustration. "Tuvok, get to it. Now."

"The crewmember who attempted to murder the Commander is Ensign Roger Thornton. He works alpha shift in transporter room one."

Kathryn's hand was losing blood circulation. She whipped her head to Chakotay. He was pale with unfocused eyes but didn't appear to be losing consciousness. "Chakotay!?"

"He ambushed me. He blamed me and Seska for Jonas' death. He and Michael broke up recently, they were being harassed, he was beside himself with despondency. He...he wanted me to die slowly...so that..." He pulled his hand away from Kathryn's, covering his face completely, unable to continue seeing the scene playing before his eyes, unwilling for his emotions to be so obvious. He felt lightheaded as the totality of his memory returned. Kathryn... what he had done to her, the position he put her in, how could he be so...

Kathryn could see her worst fears coming true, her dreams crumbling.  She tried to regain control of her emotions. "Tuvok, how did he get down there?"

"Quite ingenious. He left his comm badge hidden in the transporter room. He arranged a timed transporter beam, sent himself down to a specific location on the surface, then returned to that location to be beamed back on board at a specified time. He executed it flawlessly. Then wiped the transporter logs and re-attached his comm badge," Tuvok answered, his eyebrow raising up significantly.

"Proceed to arrest him, Tuvok. We will discuss how to deal with him later. I'll put a commendation in B'Elanna's and Harry's file. I'm certain the Commander will want to personally thank them later as well." Kathryn heard her voice getting quieter and quieter. She looked at Chakotay who still sat with his head in his hands, not moving, barely breathing.

"Very well, Captain. I will notify you as soon as Ensign Thornton is in the brig."

Kathryn took down the forcefield, Tuvok walked out the door, she automatically put the field back up. Neither of them noticed the transporter beam in Chakotay's bedroom that occured as Tuvok left.

~~~~~~~~~~

Roger was elated. His plan had worked perfectly. Better almost than the first one and this time he wouldn't fail. This time he had nothing more to lose. He crept to the bedroom door, listening, waiting for his chance to surprise the Captain and his lover.

"Chakotay..."

"No!  Kathryn, don't. I can't."

"Please, don't push me away, not now, not after everything..." Roger heard Janeway crying. He couldn't believe it.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't know. My memory..."

"I don't care about that! Please..."

"Kathryn, I'm sorry."

"Don't." Janeway was now sobbing.

Rogert took a chance and peeked around the doorway. The Captain was sitting with his head in his hands on the couch. Janeway was sitting next to him, crying, her head also in her hands. The perfect opportunity. He took it.

~~~~~~~~~~

"Captain Chakotay, we meet again. Trite, but true."

Chakotay and Kathryn jumped up to see Thornton pointing a phaser, walking toward them from the bedroom. By instinct alone, Chakotay grabbed Kathryn's arm and pushed her behind him.

"Roger. I see you haven't given up. I always did admire your determination and cleverness," Chakotay said seriously.   Once more, he could see his only option was to engage the man in conversation. He had no weapon, and worse, Kathryn was now in danger as well.

"Thank you, sir. Your opinion of me matters, believe it or not."

"I believe it. I know the extent of the loyalty you've always shown."

"And you're right. I haven't given up. My mission is still the same, only this time, you might have to die quickly."

Chakotay's mind was racing. Roger's comm badge was still afixed, so he must expect to die over this. A man with nothing to lose. "Roger, I've had some memory problems from the ... accident. Would you be willing to remind me what your mission is? The totality of it? I think there was something about ... Kathryn in it."

"I figured as much, or I would have been in the brig yesterday. Sure, I'll tell you. I think men should know what they're up against. I am going to kill you, and your lover here is going to get her heart broken watching you die. Just like my heart was broken when you both killed Jonas, with the bitch's help,"  Robert said with anger

"But Roger, you've already accomplished the biggest part of your mission. Kathryn's heart is broken. And you can take full credit for it." Chakotay prayed Kathryn would understand. "You gave me amnesia. I don't remember anything about our relationship. I don't feel love for her, I can't remember her. And seeing the pain I've caused has broken my heart, too. You've won."

"Janeway, is this true?" he barked at her.

Kathryn spoke quietly, "Yes, it's true. I love him with everything in me..." Chakotay heard her voice catch and his heart ached in response. "...and losing him has devastated me." He didn't need to turn around to know tears were falling.

He studied his assailant's face for some sign of a response, saw the man looking intently in what he assumed was Kathryn's direction, the eyes changing, subtly.

"It hurts, doesn't it Janeway. To miss the man you love. A bed can get awfully cold..."

"It's the worst pain the world. I'm so very sorry you feel it, too," she answered softly.

The hand holding the phaser was relaxing as Roger allowed his true emotion to come to the surface. Simple, raw grief. Something both Chakotay and Kathryn could understand and relate to. And as the man crumpled to the floor the two of them immediately went to give him comfort.

Roger had been taken to his quarters by Tuvok, who arrived soon after the culprit was disarmed. The Doctor had given a sedative and guards were posted until which time the Captain, the Commander and the Chief of Security made a decision about punishment. There was no hurry and for that Kathryn was grateful.

She and Chakotay were back on his couch trying to talk reasonably with each other, though the emotional turmoil twisted words and meanings almost beyond recognition.

"Kathryn, I know what you were trying to do."

"How can you know what was going on inside me? You haven't asked yet!"

"You've always been quite clear how you feel and what you want, or don't want..."

"That's beside the point. This whole situation was my fault, I took advantage of you, Chakotay. I couldn't..."

He interrupted. "I know very well what you 'couldn't', you don't have to remind me, thank you."  The edge of anger in his voice was palpable.

"Why are you angry with me? I was about to say 'I couldn't help myself.'"

"So I forced you into it? You had no choice?"

"No! That's not what I mean. Are you being deliberately dense? Chakotay, you did nothing wrong. You expressed your love for me, purely and innocently. You offered yourself to me and I needed that desperately. I was hanging on to you by a thread..." Kathryn had to stop, trying to regain some control over her emotions.

"I'm sorry I didn't remember your decision. I never meant to put you in that position," he said, feeling things slipping further and further out of his control.

"I'm not," she answered quickly.

"Not what?"

"Sorry you didn't remember. I'm only sorry that you're chosing to forget everything now."  She took a breath  and locked eyes with him.

Chakotay was quiet. "I haven't forgotten. I just choose to keep myself from getting hurt again."

Kathryn could actually feel her heart cracking, the pain traveling right down the middle. "And you assume that's what I'm going to do I guess. Did you even hear what I said to Roger? Or do you assume I was lying to save our lives. Cold bitch Captain Janeway..."

It was Chakotay's turn to feel his heart hurt. "Never that, Kathryn, I never think that of you. I heard what you said. It's just that... I mean who exactly are you in love with? The Chakotay who never was a mean bad Maquis, Starfleet all the way, loyal to his ship and captain, innocent... not me."

"Oh God, Chakotay, no, that's not it at all. All I've wanted was for you to come back to me, you, the real you. I was so scared the best parts of you would be gone forever. I know that sounds selfish of me - that I want you to remember going through traumas and tragedies. But those parts of your life made you who you are now, the man I love. Now. Do you understand," she pleaded.

He studied her, deciding whether to prod once more.  He plunged ahead.  "Why were you frightened waiting for Tuvok to tell us the name?"

She ran a hand roughly through her hair and looked at the floor.  "What a mess I've made of this..."  She raised her eyes to his again.  "I was scared for the very reason we're sitting here right now. You would know that I deceived you, took advantage of you, you wouldn't understand, and I'd lose what little time I had being able to love you. I know that doesn't make any sense since I said I wanted you back. I guess I just knew I couldn't have it all. I was being selfish. I liked being close to you. I needed it. I still do.  I'm sorry."

Chakotay stood and paced back and forth a few times.  His heart was pounding, he tried to accept what she was saying to him, that she was offering him what he most wanted.

Kathryn held her breath, unused to feeling so exposed, so open, so out of control.  She watched him pace.  She waited.

He took one final look at her, then sat and reached for her to come into his arms.  She did so,  gratefully and tearfully.  They stayed in a tight embrace for awhile, holding and rocking each other, feeling the reconnection almost complete.

Chakotay spoke softly in her ear, "So.  Kathryn. Could you refresh my memory a bit? Who made the first move?"

She smiled into his neck.  "Hm-m-m. You did. You put me in bed with you."

He scooped her up into his arms and headed for the bedroom, kissing her deeply. "Like this?" he asked.

"Don't know. I was asleep, unfortunately."

"Oh, like you'd have gone without a struggle!" He chuckled, gently depositing her on the bed.

"Well, we'll never know will we? Which reminds me..." She interruped him giving wicked attention to her neck, unbuttoning her blouse slowly. "What's with you and Mariska Johannsen?"

He looked at her with surprise. "What in the world are you talking about?"

"You had your heads together a month ago on deck 13 and left an ambiguous log entry..."

"This was the great investigation? Gods above. Mariska told me something in confidence that I can't repeat even to you. I was trying to get her to tell you, she refused. It had nothing to do with me, trust me. How could you think that? You know how I feel about you..."

"Yes, but you are a man with needs."

"That's true, and you, my dearest love, are about to meet them..." He leaned over her, kissing her senseless. She interrupted him again.

"Your pelvis. Doctor's orders." He glared at her from under his brow, a twinkle in his eye.

"What that damned hologram doesn't know won't hurt him. End of discussion. Any other topics bothering your mind?"

She shook her head and laughed, raising her mouth to meet his...
 
 
 

The end.

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