It all happened too quickly. They had been adjusting to their life fairly well, considering Kathryn was the one to set all the boundaries and parameters. Chakotay had no choice but to go along with the rules, hoping that some day she would be willing to let her guard down. The bond they had forged over the years was still there, but had been wearing thin. He occasionally knew that deep in her heart she loved him. There was no question in his mind how he felt about her. He had been in love with her for years, maybe too many years. She knew it and counted on it, needing his love to be a constant in her life though she gave him no real encouragement. She couldn't afford to, the struggles of her command took precedence.

They were both in Sandrine's watching a pool match between Tom and Harry. There were a lot of crew members in the bar that night, all enjoying a much needed break. The past few weeks had been extremely stressful, the next few looked from all long range scans to be fairly uneventful. Kathryn was on edge, still keyed up, unable to let go and enjoy herself. Chakotay had been watching her, feeling badly she wouldn't allow him in. He tried to talk to her beyond small talk but she wasn't interested. Their friends on the senior staff were also worried about the Captain, had noticed her inability to laugh at anyone's jokes, to relax.

The pool game over, Tom came over to B'Elanna and Chakotay who were deep in conversation.

"Hey guys, what's got your heads together?"

B'Elanna looked up at her lover. "We were trying to figure out what to do about the Captain, or for her, I should say. We're not getting very far, I'm afraid."

"Well what about you, Chakotay? You're the one who's supposed to have her ear and all, have you tried to talk to her?"

"I've tried, but she only wants to chat."

"Hm-m-m, well then I guess it's up to me. Fly boy to the rescue. I'm going to get her to play a game of pool with me..." And to his captain he went. To their surprise, she agreed and even seemed slightly enthusiastic.

"B'Elanna, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm afraid I'm getting close to giving up with her. She just keeps moving further and further away....."

"She's a mess right now, Chakotay. Just keep doing what you're doing, be there for her."

Chakotay wasn't so sure that would work any longer. He got up to watch her game with Tom, smiling to see Kathryn appear to have fun and jealous she wouldn't do that with him. A number of other crew members were gathering around the pool table to watch with him. The group boisterously cheered on both people and the game progressed. Kathryn finally won in a tie-breaker. Chakotay happened to be standing near her when she made the final shot. Everyone clapped for her and she looked actually a bit happy.

Chakotay, standing not 2 feet away from her amidst five or six others, reached out and patted her on the shoulder in a congratulatory gesture. She turned to see who it was, then to his shock flinched from his touch, glaring at him.

He felt as though she had punched him quite literally in the stomach. His chest turned to ice as he moved his hand back down to his side. He heard a rushing sound in his ears. The others suddenly became quiet, aware of the change in atmosphere. He met her glaring gaze with one of his own, slammed his drink down on the pool table and strode out of Sandrine's.

Watching the closing door, Kathryn came to her senses. She had no idea why she had reacted that way. Her heart ached and she felt tears forming. She willed herself into composure, thanked Tom for the game and went back to her table to have another drink. She was unaware of the looks her friends were giving to her and to each other. If she had been, she probably wouldn't have cared.

Chakotay and Kathryn were not speaking to each other for all practical purposes. He responded to her small talk and shop talk on the bridge with one word answers, if at all. She gave up trying after a day or two. He didn't seem to care. The bridge crew was miserable at this turn of events. It was hell being around their command team - to see the pain on their faces and feel the tension.

Kathryn was at a loss of what to do. Still not sure what had happened, and shocked that it had happened so quickly, she spent her time wandering the corridors. She couldn't stand to be around Chakotay more than she had to. The pain in her heart overwhelmed her but she only allowed herself to cry at night in her quarters and then quietly, not wanting him to hear her through the walls. Exhausted from lack of sleep,  her legs felt leaden as she walked. The days passed.

Chakotay was out of his body most of the time. He had no idea how time was passing or what people were saying to him as they spoke. The nights were the worst, the hours seemed to drag on as sleep eluded him. The pain in his heart soon became the only feeling he knew.

Life is short, but the days and nights are long
Time will heal all these wounds
Someday soon, I'll be rising, I'll be strong.
But now I'm losing all my battles
Now I'm down and dropping still
And this snow's blowing through
Like some ghost with this blue I know too well...

After a week, Kathryn knew she needed some help. She wasn't sleeping, could hardly keep any food down, the pain in her chest a constant. She sat in her ready room, shuffling padd reports around her desk, signing off on things she hadn't really read. The crew was becoming accustomed to her walking tours and hardly anyone attempted to greet her as she passed with her eyes downcast. She took herself to sick bay to be checked by the Doctor, he scanned her but didn't have anything for her pain. Not that she expected he would, she just needed it to stop. He did give her something light to help her sleep and ordered her to eat.

Chakotay had visited the doctor the day before with the same complaints. He received much the same answer but didn't really see himself able to comply with Doctor's orders. Meals were becoming torturous for him as everything smelled horribly and tasted worse. He had spent more time in his office this past week than he had in the 2 years previous. Not that he did any work, he mostly stared out the viewports at the stars flying by, wishing he were anywhere but stuck here with no chance for escape.

Broken hearts keep on beating just the same
So I guess I can too, go through these moves
Facing forward, walking straight
But now my glance keeps drifting downward
Now my feet can't find their way
And this cold's creeping in
Through my bones, whisperin' it's here to stay....

A few more days passed. Or had they? Kathryn wasn't sure any longer. Her life had become one long blur, broken up by routines of working, putting clothes on, taking them off, nibbling at things on her plate. She felt resigned to it all. What scared her the most was that absolutely nothing made sense any longer, there was no core of strength to rely on. There was no Chakotay to rely on. She felt lost. She continued to exist.

Chakotay was hitting some sort of weird stride. In a daze he kept moving along, doing what he thought passed for living. His friends tried to talk to him but he couldn't respond. He attempted to turn to his faith but it had no meaning somehow. No vision quest was possible. He was bereft in a void of nothingness one day, floating through days that took only hours to pass the next. Somehow he kept going.

So I'll bide my time - like there's any other way
It moves too slow, moves too fast
It's gone and passed and stopped entirely today
I know there's light on some horizon
But I can't see so far ahead
Patience and grace, blessed is love
I'm losin' my faith in most of that stuff
those wise men said
Most of that stuff those wise men said.
Life is short, but the days and nights are long....

B'Elanna and Tom decided they had to put a stop to it all. Seeing their friends sleep walking through their lives, pale faced, huge dark circles under their eyes, miserable to their core, they couldn't stand it any longer. There had to be some way to get these two people who loved each other dearly to at least talk to one another. They discussed the options with Harry, Neelix, Seven and even Tuvok.

B'Elanna was very worried for her brother, Chakotay. She had suggested he take a vision quest, or meditate. He looked at her dully and told her he really couldn't see the point to it. His friends were stunned to hear this. That conversation in the morning was what prompted her to take action. This was extraordinarily serious. She had never known Chakotay to lose his faith in all their years together.

Tom and Harry suggested locking the two away somewhere together, forcing them to talk to each other. Tuvok disagreed with this plan, stating the Captain would merely rebel and retreat further. They could see his point. Neelix still thought getting them somewhere alone was the right thing, away from the ship and away from the crew. B'Elanna and Seven ventured the opinion that possibly using the Captain's command authority feelings could work. Talk to the Captain about how worried they were for Chakotay, play upon her sense of responsibility. Tom and Harry started working on a holodeck program that would entice Chakotay. Tuvok agreed to take bridge command officially since he had been performing that duty so often anyway. Neelix began working on some foods he thought might entice them to eat. They all worked on their off hours and had things ready within a day.

It was voted that B'Elanna was the best person to act as facilitator. She argued quietly that she possessed no counseling skills and offered up the Doctor in her stead. Her idea was shot down. She was the closest to Chakotay aside from the Captain, and by that same token, her relationship with Chakotay would give her some standing with the Captain. She sighed, and agreed.

The holodeck was ready. The new program was a forest, with a small lake and beach, wildlife sounds, full moon and warm breezes. They hoped Chakotay would be interested.

At the end of alpha duty shift, Chakotay got up from his chair and left without saying good night to anyone. Through her numbness, Kathryn felt a stab in her chest as he left. She sat dully staring at the console, chin in hand.

In his quarters Chakotay changed into some comfortable clothes. He was detesting wearing his uniform these days. He put on some cotton pants and a loose open necked shirt but no shoes. He sat to eat some replicated rice and beans but couldn't get it past his mouth. His door chimed. He reached over to tap his comm, "Computer, identify person at my door."

"Lt. B'Elanna Torres is at the door."

"Come in"

B'Elanna walked in and sat on the couch next to him. She noticed the uneaten food but saw that his herbal tea was half gone. She looked intently at her friend for a minute. He met her gaze for part of that time then lowered his eyes.

"Chakotay, something has to be done. You can't keep going on like this. Please, help me help you. I am very worried about you. You look like shit."

He gave a slight grin but she saw no dimples. She missed them. "Thanks, B'El. I feel like shit, so I guess there is some consistency happening here. I don't know what to tell you."

"You and the Captain are getting on everyone's nerves, you know. We don't know how much more of this we can stand, seeing the two of you so miserable. We've lost our two friends, too." She was trying to get a rise out of him, hoping to find some part of him still there.

"Yeah, well, I'm sorry about that."

That tactic not working she switched to plan B, lowering her voice and putting her hand on his arm. "Chakotay, I know that your faith is out of reach for you right now. How about if you get away for a few hours, commune with nature, sit under the stars, listen to the animal noises? We've got a new holodeck program running tonight just for you. We thought it might re-connect you with your spirit guides. Would you be willing to give it a try, for us, your friends?"

He looked at her and she saw a very tiny spark deep in his eyes. He was touched they had gone to the trouble, and felt a small need to please them. "I guess I could go and see what you've done. In a while. I feel kind of tired at the moment."

"No, now. What's the point in waiting?"

Though a bit startled by her insistence, he agreed. She waited while he found some shoes, and grabbing a blanket off his chair she walked him to the holodeck. She opened the door and virtually shoved him in, handing the blanket to him and wishing him a good evening.

He turned to the door as it swooshed shut. Not willing to put the energy into figuring out what B'El was up to he walked into the forest. He followed a path to a small beach with the light of the full moon showing him the way. The forest smelled wonderful. He listened to the nocturnal animals doing their thing. He allowed himself to take some deep breaths. He spread out his blanket on the sand, took off his shoes and got comfortable. He let his mind wander, the water lapping the shore, the moon bright. Images of Kathryn came forth. He let the tears flow.

Kathryn was in her quarters attempting more work as she ate or didn't eat her dinner. She was trying Neelix's pasta soup tonight thinking at least the broth might do the trick. It didn't. She had changed into her robe and was curled up in her easy chair with padds on her lap, her comm badge on the table. The door chimed. Damn, she really didn't want to see anyone right now. She tapped her comm "Computer, identify person at my door."

"Lt. B'Elanna Torres is at the door."

Kathryn sighed. "Come in."

She nodded to B'Elanna who came in and sat on the sofa across from her. B'Elanna thought Kathryn looked like shit just as much as Chakotay had. She was startled to see her Captain had lost weight. What had been hidden by her normal turtleneck and uniform was now exposed by the open robe.

"What can I do for you, B'Elanna?"

B'Elanna was suddenly nervous, the weight of responsibility coming down squarely on her shoulders. She somehow knew that if these two people didn't talk to each other soon it would be way too late. She took a deep breath.

"Actually Captain, you can't do anything for me, but you can for Commander Chakotay. I'd like to talk to you about him, if you don't mind. Permission to speak freely?"

Kathryn sighed a bigger sigh and felt the pain in her chest burn. "Granted."

"Captain, something has to be done about the situation between you two. I mean no disrespect, I know your relationship with Chakotay is none of my business, but Chakotay is my business. He is my brother and he is in real trouble. I don't know if you've noticed, but he's not sleeping, he's not eating, he's not working for all intents and purposes, he just sits in his office staring out the viewports." She looked at Kathryn, trying to guage her reaction. Kathryn looked guarded and somewhat sad. But not defensive and B'Elanna took that as a good sign.

"B'Elanna, I appreciate your concern for both of us. I don't know that there is anything I can do. Chakotay will not speak to me."

"But Captain, you have to do something. This is more serious than I think you realize. I mean... well, I'm just going to tell you. I'll pay the consequences if I must, but I think you should know." Kathryn raised her eyebrows at her. "Chakotay has lost his faith. Completely, as far as I can tell. He told me yesterday he just doesn't see the point in any of it. And Captain, I've never known him to feel that way in 8 years. Never!"

Kathryn felt as though she'd been stabbed in her already hurting heart. She put her hands up to her face. Her throat constricted. She didn't have the strength to control her emotions in front of her crewmember and tears rolled down her cheeks. She allowed herself for the first time to feel how much she had hurt Chakotay. She wasn't sure she could handle it. She willed herself to remain in the chair and not run into her bedroom to pull the covers up over her head. She dimly heard B'Elanna walk away and come back. She took some deep breaths, wiped her cheeks and opened her eyes. She was handed some facial tissues that B'Elanna had gotten from the bathroom. Kathryn gave her a wan smile.

"Thank you." As she dried her eyes and nose. "Have you talked to him tonight? How is he doing?"

"Yes, I have. He's doing about the same. He won't talk to any of us, not even me. We've given him a holodeck program to visit this evening, for him to be in the woods, by the water, hear the animals, try and find his way home again. I don't think it's going to do any good, Captain. He needs you."

Kathryn started crying again. "You're wrong, B'Elanna, he doesn't need me. He's made that abundantly clear this past week."

B'Elanna was getting frustrated. "Captain, at the risk of hurting our relationship, let me say that for a highly intelligent woman, you are extraordinarily stupid when it comes to Chakotay! He sure as hell does need you, he's needed you for years. To be his friend, to care for him, to love him, to let him in. Now I really don't know what happened at Sandrine's. All I know is that a member of your crew is lost and he needs you to bring him back. No one else can do this!" She got up and paced back and forth.

Kathryn didn't know what to say. She knew that Chakotay wanted her to love him, fully and completely. In truth, she wanted the same thing. But need her? For support? He had always been the one to support, the anchor, the strength that she depended upon.

"Captain, if you can't think of him as your lover, then think of him as just your first officer, stranded somewhere, needing to find his way home. What would you do for him then?"

"I'll grant you that I would go after him. But his struggle is a personal one. I don't think he'd want me interfering."

"ARGH! Why do you think he is struggling right now? Because he has lost you, the other half of his soul. He doesn't know why and it's tearing him up. He's lost the one precious thing he had out here in this god-forsaken quadrant and he doesn't see the point to anything because of that. You could at least tell him what happened! Give him some closure, let him repair his soul and remember who he is. And move on. Don't you think you owe him that much?"

Kathryn felt ashamed. B'Elanna was right. She did owe him that and so much more. But closure? The thought terrified her. To close their relationship? How could she go on? About as well as she had been - horrendously. She studied her hands, remembering what it had felt like to have his encircle them.

"All right, B'Elanna. I'll try and talk to him." Her chest felt heavy.

"Thank God, Captain. We've got to hurry. Quick - go put some clothes on and I'll walk you to the holodeck."

"Now?"

"Yes, now." And B'Elanna folded her arms, standing in front of Kathryn. Kathryn let out a small chuckle.

"You know, you could have made a fine commanding officer.." She got up and headed for the bedroom to try and pick out something to wear. B'Elanna followed her to the doorway.

"You need some help?"

"Maybe just to tell me if I look too frightful." Kathryn splashed some cold water on her face, brushed her hair, quickly put on a little make-up, noting not for the first time this week how terrible she looked. She put on a simple cotton dress, a blue print, short sleeves and a cut away neckline. It buttoned down the front and came to mid-calf. She rummaged in her closet and found some plain flat shoes, then turned to her Chief Engineer.

"What's the damage?"

"You look actually better than you did a few minutes ago, Captain. Maybe you should put some tissues in your pockets, just in case this gets messy." Kathryn concurred. Taking a sip of juice and putting her comm badge on her dress, she nodded to B'Elanna and they went out the door.

B'Elanna didn't try to talk to her on the way, just walked along side. She tried to send up some sort of prayer that this would work, somehow. Not being a particularly religious or spiritual person she was afraid her words were falling into the void. Noting that Chakotay was still on the holodeck, she tapped her code onto the console screen, asked the Captain to let her know how Chakotay was doing, wished her luck and watched as the door closed behind her. She breathed a big one and crossed her fingers.
 

Part 2

Kathryn's heart was pounding. She tried to remain calm but it wasn't really working. She tried to think of this
as a rescue mission, that got nowhere. She knew somehow this evening was one of the most important ones in
her life.

She found the surroundings quite lovely. The moonlight was spectacular, the forest smells wonderful. She walked down the path, assuming Chakotay was somewhere near. She heard the lapping of the water before she saw it. Getting closer, she saw him. Her heart lurched. He was sitting on a blanket on the sand with his arms around his knees. He was looking out on the water. She followed his gaze and saw the reflection of the moonlight. It was beautiful. She tried to breathe and summon her courage. He turned around suddenly.

She was grateful the light was low for she couldn't read his expression.

"Kathryn. I thought you were B'Elanna. What are you doing here?" It was more words than he had spoken to her in days. She had missed his voice.

Coming closer, watching him watch her, she was glad to see his face was a bit more relaxed than it had been. "I apologize for intruding. I ... was told you were here and wondered if I could talk to you... I would like to talk with you ... if you'd be willing...." God, she thought, I'm babbling like an idiot. She wondered if he could hear the pounding of her heart.

Chakotay wasn't sure what to do. He wasn't displeased to see Kathryn, he suspected somehow his little sister had a hand in this. His long-aching heart had leapt to see her standing there in the moonlight. He hadn't seen her in a dress in a very long time. He had missed it. He just wasn't sure he wanted to hear what she had to say, afraid it was going to hurt very badly. After contemplating his options he came to the conclusion that he was, however, willing.

"Yes, I think I am. Would you like to sit down here?" He motioned her over to the blanket. He scooted over to give her room and she came, took off her shoes and sat with her legs curled up under her skirt. She noticed he had barefeet. Very nice feet.

She didn't know where to start. He was patiently waiting, as usual. She shook her head.

"Kathryn?"

"I was just thinking how patient you usually are with me and how maybe you shouldn't be sometimes."

"I see. Well, okay, so get on with it woman and tell me what you came here to tell me." He said softly, a small grin playing on the corners of his mouth.

She gave him a slight smile. Breathed again. Decided just to jump in. "I'm worried about you, Chakotay. I didn't realize, no strike that. I didn't let myself see what a toll this past week has taken on you. I've been told that you are having a very difficult time of it and that maybe I can help you.... I'd like to help you, if you'll let me, I mean."

"B'Elanna told you that?" He shook his head. "What did she tell you exactly, if you don't mind me asking?" His voice had a slight edge to it. Kathryn fought her urge to run for the door.

"She meant well. She's very very concerned for you. She's afraid that you ... that you may have lost some of your faith. I'm afraid of that, too, that I did that to you..."

He looked out on the water again. He hated the thought of the two of them talking about him. But he allowed they were the two women who were closest to him, the two women he loved most in the galaxy. They were right, he was in trouble, he at least knew that much. He was quiet for a minute.

"Kathryn, I don't believe you did it to me. Our situation did it but I'm responsible for keeping my faith intact, not you. I'm the one who allowed pain to push my belief system away. I have to be the one to get it back."

"But Chakotay, I'm the one who caused your pain, I'm the one who hurt you..." She felt her composure leaving again, fumbled in her pocket for a tissue. She found some comfort in working it between her hands, some distraction. "I hold some responsibility, too. I'd like to try and talk about what happened in Sandrine's, to explain my actions to you. I owe you that much."

"And you think that will help me get my faith back? I'm afraid I don't see the connection."

"Well, the thinking goes that maybe you need to understand what happened so that you can have some closure, then maybe you'll be able to push the pain aside and find yourself again..." She realized it sounded, well, a bit out of line but couldn't take it back.

"Closure? Is that B'Elanna talking or is that you? Do you want closure?" His heart was pounding, knowing this was what he had been afraid of. He couldn't back down though.

Kathryn's feelings were in turmoil. Sitting here next to him she never wanted to leave his side. Closure? She couldn't imagine they would ever have that. But she wanted desperately to help him.

"I confess that was B'Elanna's term."

She hadn't answered the question. He pressed her, hating to do it, wanting desperately to take that damned word and everything it meant and never look at it again. "Kathryn, is the closure to our relationship what you want?" He heard that rushing sound in his ears.

"I want to help you, Chakotay, find some peace."

"Please, tell me. If you really want me to find some peace you will answer my question honestly, soul searching truthfully. I need to know. I don't want to know, but I need to. Please" he turned slightly so he could look at her straight on. He felt like he would die right there.

She met his eyes fully for the first time. Even in the moonlight she could see straight down into him. She felt his eyes find her soul, too. She knew that this moment was a turning point, a touchstone for the future. She wanted to run and hide but somehow she couldn't.

"No. I don't want closure to our relationship, whatever it is. I don't believe we'll ever be through with each other." Her heart was pounding so, she could barely hear herself speak.

Chakotay exhaled loudly and fell back on the blanket putting his hands over his face, knees still up, trying to breathe and control the emotions that were flying out of him. He eventually sat back up, rubbing the tears out of his eyes. He looked at Kathryn. She was staring down at her hands, still working that tissue into pieces. He reached out and put his hand over hers.

At the feel of his touch her composure crumbled. She began to cry and was unable to stop herself. He moved nearer, put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her close. He held her tightly as she cried, tears falling down his cheeks, murmuring words of comfort in her ear. She wrapped her arms around his chest and allowed herself to give in. Wanting to feel her closer, he gently leaned back to lay down while keeping her in an embrace. She let him and rolled onto her side, her head on his shoulder, her arm around his chest. They both felt peace for the first time in years. Her crying subsided and she cleaned up her face, not wanting to move from his arms.

"So, Kathryn. Just for the record I want you to hear me say that I don't want closure to our relationship either. Whatever the hell we have, I can't lose it. I can't lose you. It almost killed me."

"Me, too. Whatever the hell we have, huh?"

"Yeah, I'm not exactly sure what it is. I know what I'd like it to be, and how I feel about you and sometimes I think I know how you feel about me, but I don't have a clue most times who we are. Aside from our command positions. But as just Kathryn and Chakotay, I don't know."

He was rubbing her back still, occasionally running his fingers through her hair. She found herself responding to his gentle touch, wanting to put her leg over his, move her hands around his chest to learn what he felt like. She tentatively put her hand back on him, sliding it across his stomach so that her arm wrapped around him. She felt him sigh softly. She listened to his heart beat. It was a wonderful sound.

"You sometimes think you know how I feel about you? That must be so hard... I'm sorry, Chakotay, I've really pushed you away this past year. I'm not exactly sure what's been going on, but I do understand the consequences of my choices. They may have been necessary choices, but I can see now that the results were horrendous. Like what I did to you at Sandrine's. That was unforgiveable."

"Kathryn, that's pretty harsh. Why did you react like that? I'm not sure I want to know... but I'm willing. Do you know?"

She thought for a few minutes. She decided she wanted to risk putting her leg over his, to feel full body contact, so she did. She felt his heart beat a little stronger as he squeezed her more tightly to him. She sighed with contentment.

"You know what? I'm not really sure. I've been a real emotional mess lately and it's been difficult to keep it all bottled up. I'd been thinking the few days before that night how much I was missing you, missing spending time together, laughing. Everything has seemed so heavy these past few months. You never touch me, and I know why, because I dictate that to be so. But when you patted me on the back and I saw it was you, the pat seemed so impersonal. I just got so angry at everything, what a mess I was, what a mess I had made of us, afraid there was no us at all anymore, and there you were looking so stiff and formal, I just lost it. And when I realized what I'd done, which believe me happened the instant you walked away, I felt totally powerless to stop it. You know the old saying, the barn doors were opened and the horses were escaping. I'm so sorry, I'm just so damned sorry, Chakotay. I've made a mess of it." She felt tears starting again but he just held her tightly to him. She never wanted to move.

"Well it certainly has been hell, but again, you're not responsible for my actions, or reactions to the situation. I could have talked to you, too. I think. I was getting pretty tired of being pushed away, I'll admit. That look you gave me just sent me over the edge."

"I know, and I feel terrible about it... If you only knew..." She said quietly.

"Knew what?" His heart starting pounding.

"How I really feel about you. What I want, not what I can have, but what I want. Sometimes I think it might make it easier, sometimes harder. I don't know...."

"And so that's why you don't tell me? Because you don't know exactly how it will affect me?"

"Yeah, I think so. I know - my need to be in control at all times...."

He chuckled. She heard it from inside his chest, felt the vibration of it. She liked this.

"Well, how about you just tell me and let me deal with the fallout?"

She froze. Tell him that I love him? Just like that? Then what -- he'll start expecting certain things from me. True, he wasn't expecting anything from her right then, seemingly content to hold her, to feel each other close, closer than they'd ever been before this moment. And it felt completely right. She never wanted to be apart from him again. And once more she had the sensation of time standing still. This was another of those moments. That she would look back on many years in the future... She hated breaking body contact but needed to look him in the eye.

She raised herself on her elbow and moved up so that her head was at his level. She held her head up on her fist, keeping her free arm on him stroking his chest, her leg still on him as well. He looked into her eyes, one arm around her waist while the other hand reached for her free one. They put their palms together and entwined their fingers. He pulled her hand up to his mouth and kissed it. His lips felt warm and soft. Her heart skipped at the sensation and her body responded, sending pulses of heat from her chest down to her belly. His eyes locked on hers and they both saw desire there, and love.

She took her courage in her hands. "I love you, Chakotay."

He was afraid he hadn't really heard her say it, he had waited so long. His heart was beating erratically the rushing sound was back. He smiled at her with a full dimple smile. Kathryn's heart melted at the sight. She smiled back and Chakotay was transported.

"I love you, Kathryn."

Her heart leapt to hear him say those words. She thought she might cry. Instead she leaned in and put her lips to his, kissing him softly, tentatively. He responded and pushed a little harder, she returned the pressure with more of her own. She felt herself falling down on top of him as her mouth opened to his, their tongues searching, exploring, lips caressing. Their hearts were leaping and pounding together. Her arms went around his head as he pulled her more fully on him. She willingly gave in, one leg moving in between his own, their bodies pressing against each other. The burning sensation between her legs increased as she felt his arousal pushing against her thigh. A small moan escaped his lips and she sighed in response. His arms held her tightly, then stroked her back, her hips, and the tops of her legs. They were kissing both urgently and gently, enjoying the tastes, the sensations, allowing themselves to be swept away by their finally released feelings of love and longing.

Kathryn wanted this to go on forever. She broke contact. "Computer, secure door lock, command code Janeway alpha14." He put his fingers on her mouth.

"You don't have to do this, Kathryn. Really, we can stop. Not that I want to, mind you, not in the least. I want to make love to you like I never have before. And I believe we can handle the ramifications just fine. But you need to be sure, no pressure."

She giggled. "No pressure? I feel like I'm going to die from desire for you at the moment, and if we don't make love I won't be responsible for my actions." She sighed and stared into his eyes. "I know everything will work out, Chakotay, we'll figure out a way to make it work. I want you fully in my life, and I won't go through the hell we just did again. I can't. Agreed?"

"Gods in heaven, Kathryn, I love you. Agreed." And he rolled her off of him, onto her back, where she delighted in the feeling of his body on top of hers. She reached up and unbuttoned his shirt, pulling it off his shoulders and he tossed it away. She ran her hands all over his chest, his sides, his back, feeling as much skin as she could, learning his curves and contours. He leaned into her and they resumed their kissing, the first sensation of lips to lips sending their desire into high gear again.

Kathryn brought her hand in and began unbuttoning her dress, Chakotay helping as best he could with one hand, neither wanting to pull their mouths away. As she reached the bottom buttons he did stop to gaze at her body as the dress fell open. She looked a little thinner to him. He was surprised that he could tell. But she still had a body to worship and the sight of her sent waves of desire through him. She pulled her free arm out of the dress sleeve with his help. He moved to his knees directly over her and gently put himself down, kissing her again, moving to her neck, her shoulders, his tongue occasionally darting out sending ribbons of fire down her body.

"You are so beautiful Kathryn. So beautiful..." She moaned at the sound of his voice.

"I love you, Cha-ko-tay." She breathed out as she ran her fingers through his hair.

He was down to her cleavage. He unfastened her bra in the front and caressed the once tight material off her breasts, cupping them gently, putting his mouth on first one nipple, then the other. She was floating on waves of arousal, moaning softly and rocking her hips. She raised her upper body so she could get the rest of her dress and bra off. He held her up to him while she did it, and finally they had skin touching skin. They both groaned as they wrapped their arms around each other, their mouths meeting again. Kathryn reached down and started to unfasten Chakotay's pants, wanting them off, now. He let go of her to help out and between the two of them got him naked. She felt a well of desire coming up from deep inside at the sight of him.

He reached to her hips and pulled down her panties and she raised herself to assist. Chakotay ran his hands back up her legs, fingers lightly stroking the inside of her thighs and across her hair. She quivered and pulled him toward her. That first sensation of total body contact as their legs entwined and their arms wrapped around each other was the most exquisite thing either had ever felt. Their tongues were moving in and out, gently teasing. They melted into the sand and each other.

Chakotay was running his hand from her breasts down to her thighs and back again. Kathryn softly moaned in response, "Chakotay, please..."

"Sh-h-h, we have plenty of time..."

He gently began to caress her between her legs, still kissing her. His fingers worked their way in until he found her clitoris, which he lightly stroked and teased. Her hips were moving against him. Her body was on fire, a sweet melting fire, while she floated somewhere above. "Chakotay..."

He wanted to give her all the pleasure he knew how to give. He moved his tongue in and out of her mouth as his fingers traveled around her most sensitive spots. He could feel her opening up to his touch and he slid a finger deep inside, then two. She moaned loudly. He moved his fingers inside and his thumb outside. She was breathing heavily against his mouth, small noises and sighs escaping. Her fingertips were moving up and down from his shoulders down to his legs. He thought he would die from desire for her, right there in the holodeck. He could taste her climax coming and he gently pulled his hand away. She gave a little cry. "Please Chakotay, I want you inside ... now..." Her hands were reaching down his front until she found the hardness that had been pressing against her, heating the spot where it touched unbearably. She stroked him and rubbed his tip while she tickled his lips with her tongue. All plans to move his mouth down to continue where his fingers had stopped flew out of his head.

"Oh, God, Kathryn..." He rolled on top of her and softly pushed himself against her as she parted her legs fully, then feeling her ready, gently entered her. They groaned together, she wrapped her legs around him, moving slightly so he could come all the way in. He slid his arms under her and they stayed entwined for a minute or so, savoring those first sensations, kissing each other, saying soft words of love to each other. Then he slowly began to rock her, increasing the intensity gradually. Kathryn and Chakotay felt their souls meet and envelope them both in bliss.
 

Part 3

B'Elanna was getting worried. She hadn't heard from the Captain or Chakotay in well over an hour.
Given the state of their communication skills lately, she didn't take the length of time as a particularly
good sign. She left Tom watching his television and went to the holodeck.

Secure door lock, CC Janeway alpha 14  she read on the door. She let out a whoop and went tearing back to Tom's quarters, hitting her comm badge as she ran.

The two lovers were lying in each other's arms, still touching, gently stroking skin, softly kissing, warmed down to their toes. They never wanted to let go. Their climaxes had been long and deep, truly transformative experiences for them both.

Katryn felt her stomach growl. She giggled quietly. Chakotay placed his palm on her stomach.

"When was the last time you ate, Kathryn?"

"I have no idea. What about you?"

"Not a clue." His stomach responded with rumblings of its own. She rolled away from him onto her belly, looking for her dress. She crawled a bit until she found it, fumbling for the front, finally finding her comm badge. Chakotay watched her with pure lust in his heart, then moved toward her. She tapped her badge, lying on her front, chin on her arms.

"Janeway to Neelix."

"Neelix here, Captain. What can I do for you?"

Chakotay reached her, lying down next to her, stroking her back gently, down to the backs of her thighs, kissing her shoulders. She caught her breath and a moan escaped.

"Captain, are you all right?"

She stifled a laugh and hearing Chakotay chortle, turned to him with her finger over her mouth. He grinned mischieveously. His fingers continued their travels. She implored him with her eyes, but whether to stop or continue he wasn't sure. He stopped his hands but not his kisses.

"Yes, Neelix I'm fine. What do you have cooking tonight?"

"You're hungry? That's marvelous! I've been making your favorites, and the Commander's, in the hopes the two of you would want to eat something substantial finally..." He sounded quite excited. Kathryn looked at Chakotay and they almost lost it. He leaned into her and whispered "sounds like they hatched quite the plan..."

"What? Captain I can't hear you, there must be some interference..."

"No, Neelix, everything's fine. So if the Commander and I were to come to the mess hall in about 20 minutes we could have something delicious to eat?"

"Oh, absolutely! I'll have everything ready. See you then!"

"Thank you Neelix." She tapped her comm, rolled on her side and the two of them laughed for a blissful few minutes.

"Come on, you wonderful man, you. Let's get dressed and cleaned up and have a feast!"

Neelix excitedly tapped his comm. "Neelix to Lt. Torres."

"What's up?"

"The captain and the commander are going to be here in 20 minutes. They're hungry!"

B'Elanna laughed out loud. "I'm sure they are. I'll call everyone again, we'll meet in the mess in 15."

Their clothes were a wrinkled mess, holographic sand everywhere. They did a site to site to their quarters and quickly took sonic showers and put on fresh clothes, but not their uniforms. Kathryn found another cotton dress, green with thin peach and white stripes. She brushed her hair and retouched her face, dabbing a bit of her favorite scent behind her ears. She felt like she was going out on a date for some silly reason. And she was starving.

Chakotay came in to her quarters wearing a shirt of chocolate brown and some light tan slacks. Her heart skipped to see him. He looked gorgeous.

"You look lovely, Kathryn. Better than I've seen you look in many months."

"Thank you. You look the same."

They embraced tightly, kissing languidly. Then left for dinner.

Floating down the corridors, Chakotay took Kathryn's hand in his and looked at her, questioning. She nodded happily. She was off-duty, she was in love, she didn't care any longer who saw. Crew members they passed beamed at them, saying good evening, thrilled to see their command team happy and together. At last. Chakotay and Kathryn didn't see people high-fiving each other further down the corridor, but they did feel the total approval.

"Well, Kathryn, I'd say that we probably won't have any problems from the crew over this..."

"Looks that way, doesn't it?" She leaned into his shoulder blissfully.

Walking into the mess hall, they were greeted by the smiling faces of their friends sitting together near the door. Everyone waved gaily at them. They looked at each other and tried not to laugh as Neelix came bounding up to them.

"Come right this way, you two, I have a table all ready, food is hot, come on..." He bustled them to a table on the far side of the room. There was a small vase with a flower on it. Kathryn smiled at him.

"Oh, thank you Neelix, this was really sweet of you."

"My pleasure captain! We are just mighty happy you both have come back to us. So you just sit down and I'll start serving."

They sat next to each other, facing the room. They moved their chairs as close to each other as they could. They laughed to themselves and waved at their friends who were pretending not to watch. Chakotay put his arm around her shoulders and whispered in her ear.

"It looks as though this little plan of B'Elanna's had quite a group of support behind it. I don't think anyone's missing there, not even Tuvok. I think I should be grateful to them, but I'm really grateful to you, my love. Thank you for taking the chance." She turned her head and their eyes locked. The room faded. She reached up and touched his cheek.

"I love you, I've never had any doubt about that."

Neelix broke their reverie, apologizing, putting down plates of aromatic food, and drinks and bustled off. They dug in, eating, talking, laughing. It was delicious.

"B'El, you were right! Look at them! Way to go, Chakotay my man." Tom was beaming.

"I told you, she put on the secure lock. Not to mention they are wearing totally different outfits than earlier this evening. Man, they are goners. I've never seen Chakotay so happy. Thank God!"

The table continued to take what they thought were sneaky peaks at their two friends in the corner. Harry hissed that maybe they should leave. Tom and B'Elanna said no way. Seven pondered her commanders thoughtfully. She could learn a lot about mating rituals by watching them. Tuvok rose and told the group he was going to put the finishing touch on their plan. He took a moment to congratulate his crew on their good work and strode to the Captain and the Commander.

Kathryn had just given Chakotay a bite of her food using her fork but had missed slightly. Laughing together, she was trying to clean his face, apologizing for stabbing him with the tines. He was saying "don't worry, later you can make the pain..." when he suddenly noticed Lt. Tuvok looming over the table. Kathryn turned around and blushed slightly.

"Excuse me for interrupting, Captain, Commander. I have an important matter to discuss regarding bridge personnel."

Kathryn moaned slightly and looked at him from beneath her brow. "And is this something that you might be able to handle by yourself, Tuvok?"

"That is precisely what I am doing. I have a report here filed by the Doctor earlier this evening. He has ordered the two of you off duty for at least 24 hours, hopefully 48. He cites extreme exhaustion and over work. I will be taking over bridge command for the duration. You will only be contacted in the most dire of circumstances."

"I see. And who exactly put the Doctor up to this little scheme, or shouldn't I ask?" She looked beyond Tuvok to see their friends all watching outright. Chakotay was trying hard not to laugh out loud. Time off! With Kathryn... pure bliss.

"There is no one person who can take the responsibility, I'm afraid. Ultimately, it was my suggestion to the Doctor, but the idea was a collective one. And a wise one."

Kathryn put her hand out for the padd. She perused it, then turned to Chakotay.

"Commander, do you notice the time this report was filed? Apparently just about an hour ago. That's interesting, don't you think?"

"Yes, I have to admit I do find that interesting. Just about an hour ago we were..." She shot him a look, he grinned back at her. She  managed to turn back to Tuvok with a somewhat serious expression on her face.

"Well, Mr. Tuvok, it would seem that our friends have thought of everything. I will not contest the report, will you Commander?"

"Not me, no way."

"Thank you, Captain, Commander. A wise response. You may rest assured that Voyager will continue to run at peak efficiency in your absence. Enjoy your time off."

"Thank you, Tuvok. Dismissed." As he left, they turned to the wall with their hands over their mouths, stifling a very serious laughing attack. Calmed down, they faced the room again.

Their friends quickly turned back to each other. Tuvok was gone.

"Well, Chakotay, it looks as though we have some resting and relaxing to do, Doctor's orders. Sounds like heaven to me. Wanna start after dinner? My place? Will you spend the night with me?"

"Will I? Like you have to ask me. I can't think of anything more wonderful to do with my time right now." He leaned in and kissed her cheek, holding her face with one hand. He moved his mouth slightly to her ear and kissed it tenderly. She sighed. They smiled at each other and slowly resumed eating.

B'Elanna talked in low tones to her co-conspirators. "Jeesh, that took forever. Why wouldn't Tuvok tell us what happened?? I'm going over there and talk to them. I started this, I need to make sure they're not mad at us."

"No, B'Elanna, leave them alone" Harry urged. "Haven't we embarrassed them enough?"

"Embarrased them?" Tom jumped in. "They don't look embarrassed to me, guys. They look like they don't give a shit what anyone thinks of their newly consummated romance and I applaud them. I mean, look at them!"

They all turned around again. Kathryn and Chakotay were enjoying their food and each other. He had his arm over her shoulders, rubbing the back of her neck, her hand was somewhere in the vacinity of him, under the table. They were whispering to each other, laughing, paying absolutely no attention to anyone around them. Neelix walked up to them, taking some dishes away, bringing them some dessert and some tea. They chatted with him briefly, faces lit up, looking extremely happy.

"See -- that is not a couple who are trying to keep anything secret. Not like they could anyway! B'El, if you wanna talk to them, I say go for it!"

"Well, I can't take it any more. I have to find out what happened. I'm going!" And off she strode.

As she approached the table, she had to admit Tom had a point. Her friends and commanding officers were in a bubble of their own making. She threw up yet another thanks to whatever Gods Chakotay and Kathryn had working for them. She stood waiting for them to notice her. She suspected they did but were making her squirm.

"Ahem."

They raised their gaze slowly to meet hers, mischief in their eyes.

"Hey, B'El, how are you?" Chakotay smiled at her. "Have a seat. We'd like to ask you a few questions..." She sat, arms folded.

"Okay, just spill it, am I going on report or something? Are you furious with me?"

"Furious?" Kathryn asked. "Of course not, you saved our lives tonight, we wouldn't be blissfully happy right now if it wasn't for you. We just have a teeny tiny little question."

Chakotay looked at B'Elanna intently. "Um, yeah, it has to do with that convenient report the Doctor filed to let us off duty. We happened to notice the timing of it all. I mean it was filed about an hour or so ago. As far as any of you knew an hour or so ago we were in a deep and heavy discussion with potentially no resolution. Now, we could assume that you thought either way having some time off would be a good thing, and you'd likely have been right. But then why didn't he file the report this afternoon? When you were all so lovingly putting this plan into motion? He filed it at just about the same time that we were engaged in, well, intimate relations. We find that just a bit too coincidental, frankly. So, did you have spies on the holodeck? Is there something we should be aware of?"

B'Elanna squirmed a little, then began to laugh. "No, no spies, though... No, no spies. It's just that well, I was worried because I hadn't heard anything from you Captain, and you said you'd let me know how big guy here was doing after your talk. And I couldn't really imagine you had been talking for that long, considering how little you've said to each other for weeks. So I went down to the holodeck. That's when I noticed the secure door lock CC. So I just made an assumption..." She grinned at them.

"And you went running off to tell everyone?" Chakotay was grinning back at her.

"Well, of course! You think I was going to keep everyone in the dark after we all worked so hard to get you two together? I mean, we haven't broadcast it or anything, though one look at you and only an idiot won't be able to tell that you're lovers now."

Kathryn had to admit to herself she felt a little thrill hearing that word applied to her and this phenomenal man sitting next to her. She was proud that Chakotay was her lover. Then she remembered. "Oh no, the secure door lock. We never turned off the program!"

B'Elanna looked at her "Well, how did you get off the holodeck?"

"We did a site-to-site. Our clothes were a bit ...no very wrinkled and messy and we didn't want to walk the corridors! Ironic, huh? When you all knew anyway?"

"Hm-m-m, site to site.... Tom and I are gonna have to remember that.." She muttered to herself. "So you guys didn't take the time to fold them neatly, huh?"

Chakotay glared at her, with a small grin playing on his mouth. He knew she was trying to get details. "No, B'Elanna, they didn't get folded at all. You want details?" He leaned in and talked in low tones "This woman and I had the most incredible, soul expanding, knock your socks off sexual experience that I've ever had in my entire life. Hands down. We love each other intensely and I for one don't plan to ever let her out of my grasp again. You can pass that on to whomever wants to know, because we are not ashamed. Nothing is going to change the command structure around here. The Captain is still the Captain and I am still her First Officer. But off-duty? She is my lover, my soulmate, the woman of my dreams."

B'Elanna looked at Kathryn. She was gazing at Chakotay with total devotion, trust and love. She put her arm around his shoulders and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you, that was the sweetest thing anyone's ever said about me." They kept their heads together, looking and smiling at each other. B'Elanna could feel the bubble forming again.

"So, Captain, I take it the talk went well?"

"Yes, B'Elanna, the talk went well. And I suspect you had a plan all along to force me to face the prospect of completely losing him, didn't you? That little suggestion about closure? I've been thinking about that during dinner. You put that out there deliberately didn't you?"

She smiled at her Captain. "So you figured that out? I thought, no I hoped, it would make you realize that you really couldn't live without him. We all could see it. You two were disintegrating without each other. You know, it took Tom and me almost dying, literally, to force us to admit how we really felt. I think you almost have as much pride as I do, Captain. We aren't so different."

Kathryn smiled at her. "No, we aren't so different. And now we are even sisters-in-law, sort of. Well, I thank you, B'Elanna for being willing to speak freely to me. Thank you for saving my life tonight."

"I second that, B'El. Now, go back to your friends and tell them everyone's off the hook."

B'Elanna got up and impulsively put her arms around Chakotay's neck. "I'm glad you're going to be okay. The Captain's not the only one who needs you, big guy."

"I know, B'El, I know. Thank you for everything."

"You're welcome, and Captain, you are most welcome. Take good care of him, he's precious cargo."

"I promise."

As she walked away, she felt proud of what she had done. She wasn't sure how much detail she would share with everyone, maybe Tom would hear it all, maybe not. Her commanding officers, her friends, trusted her. She wanted to keep it that way.

Kathryn and Chakotay finished up their chocolate cake and tea. She suddenly wanted to be in her bed with him. Wanted it urgently. She moved her hips a little closer and casually put her leg over his, wrapping her foot behind his calf. He looked askance at her.

"Kathryn, you're taking this playful in public thing a small step further I see." He began to caress the inside of this leg, from the knee down the thigh just a bit, she felt her body respond instantly. Shooting pulses of heat going from his touch to between her legs. She leaned into him and whispered in his ear.

"My bed? I want you, Chakotay, asap." He gave a quiet groan.

"Let's go." He moved her leg off, grabbed her hand pulling her upright with him. He put his arm around her shoulders and walked her out, after some heartfelt goodbyes to Neelix. She put her arm around his waist as they left. They stopped at their friends' table, Chakotay leaning over the group.

"Thank you for the lovely plan. It worked like a charm as you can see. Do us a favor? Don't delete that holodeck program. It's ours, we get dibs on it. And thank you for the time off. We'll see you around." Kathryn merely smiled and waved. Their friends bid them good night as they walked out of the mess hall.

"Boy B'El, you're right again. They are total goners!" Tom chuckled.

"Yeah, maybe we should have had the Doctor order a 72 hour sick leave, they won't be coming up for air anytime soon." She and Tom had a good laugh.

"You two are terrible!" Harry moaned.

Tom poked him in the arm. "Oh, Harry, it's all in fun. We mean no disrespect. Aren't you the least bit thrilled at what's happened on this ship tonight? No more of the Captain - Commander dance on the bridge, longing looks, jealous rants, depressed rejected Chakotay, confused Janeway, awful tension constantly. The flirting might even get a little bit more interesting!"

"Thanks for the tip, Tom! Now I'm going to be wondering what the hell they're doing in the ready room every time they're in there together with the door closed. Boy we better get home soon.." Harry put his head in his hands.
 

Part 4

After a quick detour to the holodeck to clean up their mess, Kathryn and Chakotay got in the turbolift.
Gratefully no one got in with them. Chakotay immediately took Kathryn into his arms and gave her a long,
deep kiss. She felt her knees go weak. He smiled as he released her. "Do you know how many times over the
years I've wanted to do that?"

"Possibly." She grinned back at him.

Stepping off the lift Chakotay told her he wanted to stop at his quarters to get some clothes and things for the morning so he wouldn't have to keep going back and forth.

"Don't worry, I'm not moving in or anything, just things for tomorrow." He smiled at her.

She felt another of those little thrills, the reality of their situation enveloping her in warmth. "I'm not worried. Just come on in, use your override code, I give you permission tonight."

He dashed off to his quarters. Inside hers, Kathryn quickly put her dishes in the recycler, straightening up the room a bit and headed in to the bedroom. She took off her clothes and put on her short robe made of satiny fabric. Tightening the sash she enjoyed the feel of the fabric against her skin. She went to the replicator for a glass of water which she put at her bedside, drinking some on the way. She turned down the bed and separated the pillows. This thrilled her to pieces. She heard her door swoosh open and whirled around to see her lover walk in. Her heart skipped.

"Hi." She said.

Chakotay took one look at her and felt himself melting. She looked gorgeous in that robe. He was momentarily unable to move or speak. He coughed and managed a 'hi' in return. She came up to him and put her arms around his neck, he held her to him with his free arm, the feel of the fabric and her was almost more than he could take. He leaned in and kissed her warmly.

She moved away and took the pile of clothes and small bag from his arm, putting it on her dresser. "Here, let me help you get out of that shirt, I've got some extra hangers in the closet..." She grabbed his hand and pulled him in that direction, then began unbuttoning his shirt from the top, he started at the bottom. Their hands met in the middle. She held his tightly, kissing his fingers, then his chest as she pulled the shirt off his shoulders. He had to admit, he was enjoying the seduction. Her hands were travelling. He cupped her face and told her he loved her. She smiled at him fully, told him she loved him too and he melted again. Moving toward the dresser, she told him he could put his clothes in a drawer if he wanted, or on the chair, wherever. She picked up the travel bag.

"May I take care of this for you?"

"Be my guest."

She headed into the bathroom as he watched, hanging up his shirt.

Kathryn opened the bag, wanting to learn everything she could about Chakotay. She took out his sonic teeth cleaner, his comb and hair gel, and his shaver, lovingly putting them out next to the sink. She then found a small bottle of liquid aftershave. She opened the top and sniffed. That was it - that musky, slightly sweet smell of his. That's what she had been missing over the past weeks. In the mornings, standing close to him on the bridge, in her ready room, in the lift.

Smelling it again, she was overwhelmed with feelings of loss and pain. She clutched the bottle to her chest and started to cry softly. All of her emotional turmoil of the day and the evening falling down upon her. She was suddenly terrified of losing him again.

Standing in the doorway Chakotay felt his heart break watching her, seeing just how much she loved him and how frightened she was. He wasn't used to seeing her scared like this. He went up to her and prised the bottle out of her hands, enveloping her in his arms tightly.

"It's okay, Kathryn, I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere, I promise... I promise..."

She held on to him just as tightly, letting herself feel the truth of it. Willing it to replace everything she had been through over the past weeks. Something shifted deep inside. The cold was gone. She kissed his chest and pulled away to wipe her eyes and blow her nose. He rubbed her back as she splashed some water on her face.

"God, Chakotay, I don't know what you see in me. My emotions are falling out all over the place."

"I think it's wonderful."

She looked at him askance with slight suspicion. "Wonderful?"

"Yes, wonderful. It means that you've finally let me past the barrier, that you're willing to trust me with it all. I know you've always trusted me with your life, trusted my judgement and my devotion to you. But now you've given me the rest of it. I feel incredibly honored for it. I love you with all my heart and soul, the real you."

She contemplated what he had said. "Thank you."

He gave her the full dimple treatment. "You are most assuredly welcome. Believe me, it is my pleasure."

Kathryn looked at Chakotay and he saw her eyes turn a liquid blue. Her desire came straight out of them and into his own. He put out his hand to her and led her to bed.

They made love with as much intensity as they had just hours before. It was astonishing to them that they could feel their sexual connection as a spiritual experience. They reveled in each other, moving around the bed together, giving each other as much pleasure as possible. To Kathryn's delight, this time Chakotay's mouth did have the chance to make love to her. They eventually fell deeply asleep wrapped in each other's arms, allowing much needed oblivion to take over. They slept until well past the start of alpha duty shift.

Waking curled up next to Chakotay, Kathryn felt bliss. Pure bliss. She almost felt guilty about it. She should be concentrating on getting this crew home. Don't go there, Kathryn, she admonished. Bliss is good. Everyone needs it, including you. She kissed his shoulder and rolled out of bed, heading for the bathroom. Chakotay was still out of it and she wanted him to sleep.

She cleaned her teeth and got in the shower. A water shower this morning, no sonic waves. Nice hot water. She was rinsing her hair when she felt hands surround her waist. She smiled. Nice hands, warm, strong hands, moving softly over her body. She finished rinsing and opened her eyes. Chakotay stopped gazing and looked up to meet them. She was amazed at the depth of color in his brown eyes. They actually changed color sometimes. She was learning what the patterns meant. At the moment they were dark sable. He was content.

"You want to take yours now? I'm done."

He nodded, smiling sleepily. She traded places with him, and as he put his face under the water, she kissed his back for a minute or two before getting out.

She was sitting on the bed in her satin robe, drying and combing her hair when she heard him at the sink. She jumped up and got in there just as he was finishing cleaning his teeth, preparing to shave.

"Can I watch?"

"Will it make you happy?"

"Yes, I think it's kind of sexy."

He chortled. "How can I refuse that? Okay..." And he reached over and picked her up by her waist, depositing her on the counter, over her giggles of semi-protest. "If you're going to watch, you need to do it properly..."

She happily leaned back against the mirror and watched. And gazed, and daydreamed. About tracing the line he was making on his chin with her tongue, reaching out and taking off his towel....

He saw where her eyes were going. "Kath-ryn, I warn you, don't bother a man when he is doing something that could potentially cause harm..."

She looked up at him innocently. "Me? Bother you?"

He glanced down at her sitting there, skin flushed, hair wet, robe not quite covering her breasts, her thighs... He coughed. "Oh yes, you can very definitely bother me, my love."

She grinned mischieveously, seeing his eyes change color. Gold specks appeared. He was in lust. She tilted her head up and casually tried to send him messages of lust back watching him move the razor around his face. He was trying not to meet her eyes but she thought she was winning. Her eyes travelled back to his towel, her leg slowly moving towards his hip.

"Kath-ryn..."

"Yes, sweetheart?"

He bent over the sink to rinse his face off. She had a towel ready for him. After drying his face, he leaned in towards her, staring into her eyes. Oooh, she saw a new color. Silver specks had joined the gold ones. He put his mouth to hers and kissed her tenderly at first but the kiss quickly became passionate as their mouths opened to each other, their breathing becoming ragged. He pulled back and stared at her again.

"Breakfast, or bed? Or both? I am starving. And I want you, badly."

She giggled and gave him that crooked little smile of hers. "Do you think Neelix would serve us in bed?"

"Gods above, Kathryn, I had no idea you were so wicked! Even if he would, I would not let him, no man is going to see you in bed but me. And don't go thinking I'm getting cave-man on you, I just have my limits." He reached for his aftershave.

"I know, Chakotay. You always did have a jealous streak." She smiled at him, wanting to tease him but somehow knowing this wasn't a good topic to choose. She closed her eyes and smelled the aftershave, mingling with him, and the soap. Must be pheremones, she thought. This combined scent had always gotten to her, in ways she was just now realizing. She had never stood a chance. The Maquis warrior Chakotay had come into her life and very slowly turned it completely upside down. She smiled.

"Kathryn, you in there?" She opened her eyes to him. He was gorgeous. She was in heaven.

"Yup, I'm here. I vote for breakfast first and foremost. I'm starving too. I'll go call Neelix and see if we're too late?"

"Okay." And as she scooted herself off the counter, he stopped her with another kiss. She relished being so close and inhaled deeply, keeping the memory forever.

Sitting in the mess hall they were mostly alone. It was mid-morning, but Neelix was more than willing to make them some breakfast, special order. Per the chef's decree they were at the same table as last night. Kathryn was enjoying her second cup of coffee, stomach full, heart bursting. The food had been totally delicious, and Neelix's breakfasts weren't usually high on her list. She had turned her seat slightly so she could put her feet up on a chair she placed at the end of the table. Leaning on Chakotay's shoulder, she was daydreaming again.

He had his feet up, too, but directly in front. He was sipping the last of his tea and finishing up his bread and Kinaran plum jam.

"You know, Kathryn, food certainly does taste good this morning. You're the scientist, does phenomenal sex make ones taste buds wake up?"

She sputtered, trying not to choke on her coffee.

"Sorry, love! You okay?" He looked down at her.

"I think so. Chakotay! What a question. Good thing its mostly empty in here. Well, I have to say I've never read any studies about that, but my speciality wasn't really bio-sciences. Maybe the Doctor would know?"

He laughed out loud. Those few crewmembers on the couches across the room turned to stare briefly. He waved at them, and nodded. They acknowledged him with a smile and returned to their discussion. "Well, Kathryn, I dare you to ask him. I wonder if holograms can blush..."

"Oh, no, it's your question, you ask him."

"No way. Maybe I'll get Tom to ask him....."

"Get Tom to ask who what?" they heard from over their shoulder. Tom had just come into the room. He was grinning at them.

Chakotay looked at him seriously. "The Doctor. I've made an observation this morning that I'd like confirmed... Uh!" Kathryn had hit him in the side.

"Chakotay, don't you dare!" She was giving him her best captain's warning look, but after two seconds, started laughing. He was grinning at her.

Tom invited himself to sit down, thinking this was getting very interesting. He grabbed a chair from another table and straddled it, arms on the back.

"Tom, have a seat and join us, won't you?" Chakotay grinned at him, too.

"Thank you, Chakotay, don't mind if I do. I'm on break, I have 10 minutes more. Just came in for a bit of coffee. Things are pretty boring at the helm this morning and I confess I need a little buzz to make it until lunch. So about this observation? Sounds interesting..."

Kathryn jumped in. "So things on the bridge are boring? What's been happening? And how is B'Elanna this morning?"

"Nice try, Captain. Evasive maneuvers and all that. Here's my answer: yes, nothing and fine. So the observation?"

Chakotay chortled. "Well, I was just wondering why food tastes so good this morning."

Kathryn tried to hurt him under the table. He deftly caught her hand and looked at her from beneath his brow. "Kathryn, you keep forgetting that I'm a Maquis. Lightening fast reflexes."

"Yeah, Captain, you should listen to him on that one. No one has the reflexes of Chakotay. I've heard lots of stories ..." Tom was enjoying himself immensely, teasing them both. "But anyway, Chakotay, I think I might have your answer. I don't think the Doc is going to be any help to you on this one. It's about sex. Not just any sex. But sex with the your soulmate. It's true."

They stared at him in surprise.

"Honestly! You should ask B'Elanna. We've talked at length about this phenomenon. I don't mean to brag, but I've had sex with more than just a couple of women besides B'El. She's not inexperienced either, no matter what impression she gave you, Chakotay. I dare say you two are not exactly virgins, if you'll excuse the informality. But anyway, B'El and I noticed that after we became lovers, little things started being different, like somehow we had changed organically. We'd never experienced this with anyone else."

Kathryn the scientist was now intrigued. "Like what? Your taste buds?"

"Well, that was one manifestation. On those days after we had made love, food tasted great, even stuff I didn't particularly like, I liked then. And my reflexes on the helm were quicker. B'El noticed that her thought processes speeded up, if that's possible. It seemed to me that I could see better, she said her hearing was more acute. And well, our sense of humour improved." He laughed. "Just kidding, had to throw that one in. But the rest is all true. So we've hypothesized that it's a soulmate thing."

Chakotay smiled at Kathryn, then at Tom. "Well, thanks Tom for the answer. I think you've given us something to think about this morning. Just don't pass this along to anyone besides B'Elanna, okay?"

"No problem big guy. You okay, Captain?"

"Yes, I think so. Just a little overwhelmed."

"Well, that's certainly to be expected. Finding your soulmate is an overwhelming experience, trust me on that one." He got up. "Gonna go get my coffee. Be seeing you two. Oh - it's a Sandrine's night tonight and you guys are welcome. Might be good? Get over the cooties? She's opening the bar at 1900 hours. Bye!"

They waved at him, smiling. Kathryn sat up and turned to Chakotay. "I don't know what to say! What a theory... I suppose there might be some endorphin reactions involved, or a change in our neurogenic pathways..."

"Or maybe it's just something that doesn't need a scientific reason? It could also explain our, well, spiritual experiences. Makes sense to me, love. I know I've never felt anything remotely like this before."

"No, me neither, thought I'm not all that experienced.... Wow." She leaned back against his shoulder.

"Yeah, good way to put it. Wow."

After a minute or so, Kathryn started laughing. She soon was dissolving into a fit of giggles. Being a contagious thing, Chakotay was soon laughing too.

"So, Kathryn, what am I laughing about?"

"Oh, God. I was just thinking about this conversation. Now, picture the entire crew of Voyager. Who would be the very last person you'd expect to be talking to us about falling in love with one's soulmate and the mystical experiences of that coupling?"

Chakotay started laughing in earnest now. "Tom Paris."

"Yup, our own helm-boy." And she lost it again.

Walking down the corridor toward their quarters, Chakotay leaned in to her. "So, wanna test the theory? How good do you think dinner will taste tonight?"

"Phenomenally delicious, I suspect."

As soon as the door swooshed shut they gravitated together, melting into their kisses and caresses. In the bedroom they lovingly undressed each other, taking their time, enjoying the anticipation. When they finally lay down together the lights were turned down and everything outside of that bed was banished from their minds. Their passion carried them along, giving pleasure, taking pleasure, joining them with a bond that neither thought could ever be broken. Their climaxes were intense and long. Their souls merged and life was nothing but that moment. After awhile they began it all again....
 

On to the next section

Return to the J/C main page

Email me with comments at cassatt2222 [at] earthlink [dot] net