Copyright 2000 Cassatt

Commander Chakotay was spending some time before he went to sleep working on a sand painting. He hadn't created one in many months. He had missed the sensation of sand granules slipping through his hand to land on the surface and was enjoying the process. Though it was a bit later than normal to still be up his sleep had not been easy the past few days. He watched the painting take form on the table, hoping the relaxation he felt would carry over into his bed. He was intently concentrating on the sienna sand that was forming a mountain when his com badge jolted him back to his quarters on Voyager.

"Janeway to Chakotay..." He thought the Captain's voice sounded odd. He tapped his badge on the table in front of him.

"Chakotay here Captain."

"Janeway to Chakotay..."

"Yes, Captain?" He picked up his badge, wondering if he should check to see the link was truly open.

"Please..." She definitely sounded strange.

"Kathryn?"

"Please Chakotay..."

"Kathryn, what's wrong?"

Silence. "Computer, confirm comm link Janeway to Chakotay open."

"Communications link open"

"Kathryn?!"

Nothing but rustling noises. "Computer, close comm link Janeway to Chakotay."

The computer chirped in response. He grabbed the badge and an undertunic, pulled it on over his sleepwear bottoms and headed to the Captain's quarters. There he put in his override code and quickly scanned the main room but she wasn't there. He trotted to the bedroom and found Kathryn thrashing on her bed, holding a pillow close to her chest, making incoherent noises. He sat on the edge and took her by the shoulders, thinking she needed to be awakened.

As soon as he touched her she bolted upright, opened her eyes and threw her arms around his neck, kissing him on his cheek, his ear, his neck, moaning his name in between kisses. Chakotay was momentarily unable to move, not sure what exactly was happening but admittedly enjoying the assault. He tentatively put his arms around her and she responded by kissing him fully on the mouth to which he could not resist. He returned the kiss which quickly became deep and passionate. Suddenly she went limp in his arms.

Oh my gods in heaven he thought. She was asleep the whole time. He gently lay her back down on the bed and covered her, straightening the bedding. He was horrified at himself. He had taken unfair advantage of her, no matter what she was doing, he should have realized it couldn't be real. The pounding of his heart against hers had been real though. He sat watching her sleep for awhile, his mind in turmoil, his emotions a mess. Gods above, please don't let her remember tomorrow. Eventually he returned to his quarters and had a fitful night.

"Good morning, Commander" the Captain said as she sat next to him. She smiled, a relaxed and easy smile. Her eyes were twinkling. She looked rested.

"Good morning, Captain." He could only meet her eyes momentarily and after making the assessment of her demeanor that all appeared normal, he returned to study the console intently. He could feel her eyes on him no matter how hard he tried to put some sort of psychic barrior up between the seats.

"Chakotay, are you alright?"

Damn. "Yes, I'm fine. I do need to check something with B'Elanna so if it's permissible I'll go to Engineering now." He rose, still not exactly meeting her eyes.

"Okay. It's nothing serious, is it?"

"No, just a minor staffing problem." He turned and walked off the bridge as quickly as possible. In the turbolift he breathed a sigh of relief and tried to still his erratic heartbeat.

For her part, Kathryn was very confused that morning. Coming down the steps to her seat she had felt a strong urge to touch Chakotay's head and stroke his hair. She paused momentarily, assessing her emotions which frankly were all over the map. She felt ... needy. She needed to touch him, to feel him close. Where in the world was this coming from? She thought she had buried these feelings long ago, safely put them away. She decided not to think about it, but to enjoy the rested and relaxed nature of her body this morning. She had finally had a good night's sleep after weeks of intermittent insomnia.

But looking at Chakotay, he seemed troubled. He wouldn't meet her eyes for more than a split second. Then he left and quickly. Almost as though he was trying to escape. She had felt a small stab in her heart as he left. That definitely was not good. She vowed to talk to him when he returned, in private.

"B'Elanna, I need to talk to you. In private." Chakotay practically pleaded to the woman with her head under the console.

"Can it wait a half an hour? I've got to get this fixed. DAMN IT!" She dropped the tool and put her finger in her mouth. "I've got to get a new calibration beam" she muttered.

"No, I don't think it can. Please."

She poked her head out and looked at her oldest friend and superior officer. "Okay..." She pulled herself up and called out to Ensign Chandra to finish. "...and get a different calibration beam from station four, this one is giving burns. I'll be in my office." B'Elanna took Chakotay by the elbow and led him away.

"You look like you need some herbal tea. Chamomile with honey?"

"Thanks, perhaps that will help."

She went to her replicator, looking at Chakotay while she worked. He looked a wreck. Where was the calm, grounded man she knew and loved? "Here, drink. Then tell me what the hell is wrong with you this morning? You look terrible."

He grinned ruefully, small dimples showing. "Thanks." He sipped. "I'm in big trouble. With the Captain."

"You!? It's been months since we've had any serious trouble, what can you be disagreeing with  that's so drastic?"

"It's not a command issue. It's personal..." And he proceeded to tell her of the previous night's events. B'Elanna's eyes widened as the story progressed.

"She kissed you?! Kah'les, does that win the pool I wonder? Probably not, since she wasn't conscious at the time, though you were...so it might count..."

"B'Elanna! Don't you DARE mention this to anyone!"

"Oh, all right. So what is the problem? What am I missing? She kissed you, you kissed her, she enjoyed it, she wanted it, you wanted it, you enjoyed it...."

"She doesn't know she did it! And I shouldn't have kissed her! My God, B'Elanna, I took advantage of her! If she realizes it, she will never never forgive me. Never." He looked completely crushed.

"Chakotay, get a grip! You're only human for pete's sake. What would she expect - she throws herself at you with open eyes and arms - and you're supposed to know enough through the haze of desire to back off?! Give yourself a break."

"So do you think I should tell her what happened?"

"Not voluntarily. If she starts remembering, my guess would be that she'll either confront you and apologize or pretend it didn't happen. This is Kathryn Janeway we're talking about after all. Queen of denial when it suits her."

"B'El, that's not fair. She had her reasons for stopping herself."

"Yeah, I forgot, almightly Starfleet. Well fair or not, I think that's a bullshit reason. She's just scared - scared of you, her feelings, being involved with someone and responsible for them, scared of the whole thing. Trust me, I know what she's feeling. Tom and I deal with this stuff all the time. It's life in the Delta Quadrant. Death is around every corner."

"Just try and remember that her responsibilities are greater than anyone's."

"So she needs someone strong to help her deal with them. She's a fool for turning you away. There, I've said my peace."

"And you think I should hold mine."

"That's up to you. Personally - I think you should take her in your arms and kiss her until she collapses. What's the worst that could happen? She'd throw you in the brig?"

"She wouldn't trust me again. That would be the worst."

"Who was the one to throw themselves at whom?" B'Elanna stared at him across the desk, her arms folded.

"I'll think about what you've said, B'El. Thanks for listening, really." She came around the desk to give him a hug, which he gratefully accepted. As he left Engineering, he made an instant decision. He went to his own office, to avoid his Captain for a few more hours.

Kathryn was going a bit nuts inside. Chakotay hadn't returned for almost two hours. She knew he was in his office, the computer had told her so. She didn't really have anything to call him for, she just needed him to be on the bridge with her. It was almost physical.

"Mr. Tuvok, you have the bridge."

"Captain?"

"I'm going for a ...walk."

The Vulcan's eyebrow lifted. "Understood." Though actually he didn't understand at all.

She left the bridge for Chakotay's office.

The door chimed. Chakotay had a sneaking suspicion who it might be. Maybe instinct was more like it. He steeled himself. "Come in."

Sure enough, in walked Kathryn.

"What can I do for you, Captain?" Keep it formal...

"Nothing much. I was taking a walk and wondering why you hadn't come back to the bridge, that's all." She smiled and proceeded to sit on the edge of his desk. She noticed that her proximity seemed to make Chakotay uncomfortable. That was interesting. She decided to test the theory. She turned so that she was sitting fully on the desk, facing him. She watched him back his chair away, just a few inches.

"Chakotay, are you all right?"

"I think I've already answered that. I'm fine." His voice had a slight edge to it.

"I'm sorry for asking again. You just seem, I don't know, nervous or something. Have I done something to upset you?"

Chakotay groaned to himself. He got up and walked over to his couches, trying to think of a way to get the hell out of this office.

"Ensign Wildman to Commander Chakotay."

Thank you.... "Yes, Samantha?"

"Commander, I know this is a lot to ask, but could you come to my quarters? Naomi has some questions for you about the sand painting you were showing her the other day. It will only take a few minutes."

"I'd be happy to. I'm on my way. Chakotay out." He tapped his chest. "I'll see you back on the bridge, Captain." He left, once more with a huge sense of relief.

Kathryn sat in his chair, feeling the warmth of it.

Chakotay was reading before going to sleep. Or attempting to go to sleep. He felt exhausted and keyed up at the same time. He'd managed to avoid being alone with Kathryn during the afternoon and the evening was spent at Sandrine's shooting pool. She'd shown up there and he could have sworn she never took her eyes off him. At least that's how it seemed. B'Elanna even ribbed him about it.

He closed his eyes and lowered the lights.

"Janeway to Chakotay..." Shit.

"Yes, Captain?"

"Chakotay..."

"Yes?"

"Janeway to Chakotay...Chakotay..."

He could hear the rustling sounds again and was completely torn. What could happen if he ignored the call?

"Where...you..." Then he heard her crying. Damn it.

"Computer close comm link Janeway to Chakotay." He grabbed a shirt again and headed out. He went directly into her bedroom and sure enough, she was dreaming. And crying. And calling his name. How did she manage to get the comm badge hit each time, he wondered.

He stood at the foot of her bed. "Kathryn," he called. She didn't wake up. He came around to the side and tried again but his voice wasn't doing the trick. He couldn't stand to see her so upset, even if it was just in her sleep. He sighed and sat down next to her, then tentatively reached out and touched her arm. She instantly stopped her crying, rolled over and wrapped herself tightly around his hand. He stayed where he was for a few minutes then gently pulled his hand away. He took the opportunity to stroke her hair until he was certain she was completely asleep then left.

This continued for another day and night. Chakotay avoiding Kathryn as much as possible during the day and being called to her bedside during the night. This time she wasn't crying but she was calling his name repeatedly and only calmed down after he rubbed her back and spoke softly to her. She had again grabbed onto him, pulling his arm into an embrace, kissing his hand in her sleep. After extracting himself and rubbing her back for about a half hour she was finally completely under. He returned to his quarters to stare out the viewports.

The next morning Chakotay was really having trouble. He had hardly slept again, emotions that he thought had been dealt with came up to the surface and nearly drove him insane. He had no idea how he was going to face Kathryn, how he was going to act 'normally' around her, whatever that meant any more. He tried to breathe as much as possible in the turbolift, somehow knowing once he was on the bridge breathing would become quite difficult.

"Good morning, Commander." Kathryn smiled sweetly at him as he approached the command chairs. She was quite happy to finally see him. She'd arrived early, in the hopes he would be there as usual.

"Good morning. I apologize for being late." He managed to get the words out and they sounded, well, normal.

"No problem. Everything okay?" She saw a blaze of fire in his eyes for a brief nanosecond.

"I am fine, thank you. How are you this morning?"

"Doing well. I had another very good night's sleep. Are you interested in a game of hoverball tonight?"

"I don't think so. Maybe some other time. I have some staff reviews to do this morning, Captain, so permission to retire to my office." It was a lie, but so be it.

"All right, Chakotay. Lunch today?" She was very disappointed he was leaving again and felt a strong urge to find some reason to be around him. She almost felt like begging.

"No, I'm sorry. I have lunch plans. Let me know if you need anything." He rose quickly and after seeing her nod, beat a hasty retreat to the sanctity of his office. Where he pushed some padds around, looked out the viewports, wrote a few staff reports and read his book. He called B'Elanna, who said she'd love to have lunch with him if he didn't mind Tom too. He looked forward it.

In the messhall at lunchtime Chakotay was enjoying the company of his two closest friends. He was very grateful for the distraction. B'Elanna kept looking at him with concern, and when Tom went to talk with Neelix she asked him how he was doing. He told her about the past two nights.

"Chakotay, I'm beginning to think you should say something. It's not fair that your sleep is being totally disrupted so that she can rest peacefully. She's the one taking advantage of you, not the other way around."

"I don't know, B'El. I just need some sleep and then maybe I can think straight." He saw with almost horror that Kathryn had just come into the messhall. Their eyes made contact, she smiled and he tried to smile in return. "I'm getting out of here, Kathryn just came in. If she asks, I'm heading to a meeting with some crewmembers who are having trouble sharing quarters. Be vague. I'll talk to you later." And he rose quickly and practically jogged out the door.

B'Elanna watched him, shaking her head. She didn't see the Captain looking at her and making a beeline directly to her table.

"Hello B'Elanna, may I sit here for a minute?"

"Of course, Captain." Now it was B'Elanna's turn to want escape.

"Chakotay had some place urgent to go?" Kathryn tried to make her question sound casual. She saw B'Elanna's eyes narrow a bit before answering.

"He has a meeting with some crewmembers who are requesting a change in quarters."

"Well, I hope they don't give him too bad a time of it. He seems quite stressed out this morning."

"You know Chakotay. He'll treat them fairly."

"Of course he will, I didn't mean to imply he wouldn't. The entire crew looks up to him, with good reason. He is a remarkable man."

B'Elanna looked at the Captain closely. She could swear her eyes were misty, which completely surprised her. "You'll get no argument from me on that, Captain."

"No, I suppose not. You are his closest friend. So would you be willing to tell me what is going on with him lately? He's having a very hard time of it and seems to be avoiding me. Well, maybe that's just my imagination." Kathryn suddenly felt like a fool talking about Chakotay like she was in high school or something. "I'm sorry, B'Elanna. I shouldn't ask that of you. I'll just keep trying to talk to him." Just then Tom came back to the table. Kathryn took the opening and rose, bidding them both good-bye.

"B'El honey, what was that about? The Captain looked strange. And where is Chakotay?"

B'Elanna was watching the Captain get some food and then sit by herself in the corner, eating and looking out the viewports. "Tom, can you keep a secret? I mean really keep it? Some strange things are happening and I need to bounce some of it off a male head. I need your promise of confidentiality, no games."

He took her hand in his. "Of course. I promise, cross my heart. What's going on?"

She proceeded to tell him everything. He made one small joke about the betting pool which she appreciated, but then returned to the seriousness of it quickly.

"I agree with you, I think Chakotay should talk to the Captain. He's a strong man, but he's also pretty sensitive. This must be tearing him up."

"You could say that. Tom, would you be willing to talk to him? Mano a mano?"

"To what end? Convince him to put it all out there? You think he'll listen to me? Maybe we should just let him figure this out for himself. Let's give it another day or two and then decide. I'll keep an eye on him while he's on the bridge."

They left a short time later to return to work.

Mid afternoon found the Captain still without her first officer. Again, the computer told her he was in his office. She tried to call him but he didn't answer, which was completely unheard of. She angrily handed the bridge to Tuvok and went to find Chakotay. Tom was dying to call B'Elanna but couldn't with Tuvok there. He did send Harry a message on his console, asking him to contact B'El on a confidential channel - telling her to get to Chakotay's office asap. Harry agreed but warned Tom that he wanted full details later. Tom was non-commital in response.

Kathryn hit the door pad to Chakotay's office but got no answer. She was beginning to feel that he was deliberately not responding to her. She put in her override code to get the door open and when it did, strode in quickly. And stopped dead in her tracks at the sight before her.

Chakotay was stretched out on his couch fast asleep. He was on his stomach with his head turned away from the door. She thought that as his superior officer she should put him on report for sleeping during his duty shift but all she could feel was compassion. She walked quietly toward him, squatting down on her heels next to the couch. She gently stroked his back for a few minutes, storing up the memories of how he felt for future comfort. Feeling him deeply under she took the opportunity to lean in and place a soft kiss on his head before standing. Her own emotions were overwhelming her again. She didn't want to leave, she had been missing him so much the past couple of days. She decided to sit at his desk for awhile, there was some work she could get to through the computer from there.

The door chimed. She quickly went to it and keyed in her code to open it. Seeing B'Elanna's startled face she pulled her in with her fingers to her lips, motioning to the sleeping Commander.

"Captain," B'Elanna whispered, "are you going to put him on report?"

"No, he obviously needs the rest. Did you need to speak to him?"

"Um, no, I ... I wanted to make sure he was okay. Tom told me he didn't answer your call." She fudged as best she could.

The Captain looked at her oddly. "Tom called you? You know what's going on with Chakotay, don't you?"

"Well, we've talked a bit. He's just a little tired. Not getting any sleep at night. I'm glad he's asleep now, Captain. I'll just be going back to Engineering now if that's all right with you."

"Why do I get the feeling that I'm being deliberately kept in the dark about something?"

The man in question began to stir. Kathryn went to the door and opened it again, motioning B'Elanna to follow her into the corridor.

"B'Elanna, I want to know what's going on. No matter what he says, he is not okay. Why isn't he sleeping at night? Please."

B'El wanted to scream for help. Instead she took a deep breath. "Captain, I think that I'm not the one to tell you. Chakotay has talked to me in confidence and I don't feel comfortable breaking his trust in me. Even to you. Why don't you ask him?"

She saw tears forming in her Captain's eyes. "He won't tell me. But I won't ask you again, I understand. When you talk to him next, just tell him that I miss him, would you do that for me?"

"Of course." B'Elanna looked intently at the woman trying to control her emotions. "I wish I could say something to you. I can say this does have something to do with you and that your first officer is going above and beyond the call of duty on your behalf. I'll at least ask him to talk to you. It needs to happen and soon. He can't keep this up."

Kathryn thought for a minute about what she had heard. "Thank you B'Elanna. You can go now if you want. I'm going to stay here awhile and make sure he's okay."

The women nodded to each other and separated. Kathryn opened the door and was relieved to see Chakotay still asleep, though his head was now facing the door. She watched him a bit longer then moved his jacket off the chair to sit at his desk and accessed her own work, settling in.

Two hours later Chakotay was still sleeping and Kathryn was finished. He continued to move occasionally in his sleep and each time he did her heart skipped, thinking he was waking up. She admittedly spent even more of her time simply watching him. This was different than times spent in sickbay with him unconscious or even sleeping. Here he was in his own environment, relaxed and at peace. She was surprised to realize that she thought she could be perfectly content to watch him sleep for hours on end. She had never felt that way about anyone in her life. It was confusing. She saw him every day and many evenings and even spent 12 weeks alone with him on a planet. She got up and approached the couch. She sat on the floor with her knees up, her chin on her hands and studied him closely.

"What is going on in that mind of yours, Chakotay..." She said softly. "Why won't you tell me what's wrong?"

He stirred again but this time she could see him coming to. She briefly thought of getting up and leaving quickly before he recognized her presence. It was a foolish idea, she knew. He rolled onto his side, his eyes opening gradually. When he saw her he looked slightly startled.

"What are you doing here?" His voice was deep with sleep.

"Originally or now?"

He looked confused.

"I'm sorry, Chakotay, I didn't mean to speak in riddles. I've been here awhile, working. I came to find you because you didn't answer my call, and then you didn't answer the door. Once I came in and saw you sleeping I decided to stay. I took advantage of the situation to spend some time with you. I've...I've been missing you. Would you like some tea, or juice?"

"My herbal blend number three would be good, thank you."

She smiled as she rose to go to the replicator. Chakotay sat up cross-legged, rubbing his eyes and hair. Yawning, he studied Kathryn. "Make yourself some coffee if you'd like. You can owe me the rations." She turned and grinned at him. He found himself smiling in return.

He was trying to get his bearings, never one to wake from a nap well in the first place. He had no idea what time it was or how long he had been sleeping. He figured it must have been a long time considering how exhausted he was. "Kathryn, can you see the chronometer? And how long have you been here?"

"It is 1735 hours. I've been here since around 1500 hours or so."

She's been sitting here for over two hours? A while, indeed.

"Here's your tea." He gratefully sipped the aromatic blend, allowing the steam to clear his head. Kathryn sat next to him drinking her coffee. He had the feeling she was going to start questioning him. He sighed.

"Kathryn, I know you're about to start asking me what's been going on these past few days. I don't think I can keep this up any longer and right now I don't have the energy to avoid the questions. So let's just get to it." He took a few swigs of his tea. Kathryn looked surprised.

"That's all I've been wanting."

"Well, you may not feel that way by the time we're done. Just know that going into this discussion."

"Okay. I'll keep telling myself that, I guess. I won't hold it against you."

He laughed softly.

"Was that funny?"

"In a way, yes. Never mind." He tugged his ear and studied his cup for a minute. "So, all of this started a few nights ago. I was sitting in my quarters doing some painting when you called me over the comm and sounded very very strange. You clearly weren't hearing my responses but the link was open. You kept calling me and saying 'please' then there was silence. I got concerned and came to your quarters. I found you obviously having an intense dream so I tried to take your shoulders to wake you up. You opened your eyes and, um, sat up and, well, threw your arms around my neck and began kissing me, not on my mouth. I thought you were awake, but I didn't know quite what to make of your behavior. I can't say I didn't enjoy it." He took a breath and made eye contact with Kathryn for the first time.

She looked stunned. But she didn't flinch from his stare.

"When I put my arms around you, you then kissed me fully. We, for lack of a good way to put this, got quite passionate with our kissing. Then you collapsed in my arms and I realized you were still asleep. I feel terrible about what I did. I have no excuses for my behavior. I took advantage of you and I apologize profusely Kathryn."

"Chakotay, how can you even think that? Don't apologize!" She was upset,  embarrassed as well as frightened. And angry that she had kissed him and had no memory of it. He'd been upset for days over this? Something else had to have happened. "And what's the more to this story?"

"How long do you have?"

"All night if necessary."

"Well, I put you back to bed and stayed with you until you were deeply asleep. Then I went back to my own quarters, but I was too upset to get much rest."

"Then you avoided me the next day as much as you could."

"Frankly, yes I did. I was afraid you would remember and never forgive me for my behavior."

"And?"

"The same thing happened the next night, only this time there was no kissing. This time you were crying and calling my name and very very upset. It was hard. You finally stopped when I touched you, but then you sort of made it difficult for me to extract my hand from your embrace. You held on pretty tightly. I had no idea you had such a grip, Kathryn." He grinned at her. She was able to smile back though she felt like sobbing. Things in her own mind were starting to make sense. Her feelings of needing to be around him at all times for one.

"And then?" Even in her ears her voice sounded a bit shaky.

Chakotay looked at her, assessing if he should continue. Kathryn seemed upset but he had to tell her everything. "I stayed with you again, trying to get you to remain calmed down, to sleep deeply. Eventually you did. I left and tried to sleep myself but couldn't really."

"Can you tell me why? I think I know but I don't want to assume."

He fiddled with his tea, taking a few more sips, trying to gather some courage. "I thought I had figured out a way to deal with my feelings for you. Then this happened and, well, it became very difficult to be around you, to act somewhat normally. It hurt to have you obviously need me at night and want nothing more than a friendship from me during the day."

She wanted to crawl in a hole. "I'm so sorry, Chakotay. There's more, isn't there? What happened last night?"

"The same, just without the crying. The only thing that would get you back to sleep last night was me rubbing your back. The most amazing thing, Kathryn, is that somehow you managed to call me on the comm while you were still sleeping. You have a will of iron, did you know that?"

"I've been told." Unfortunately that will wasn't working very well at the moment. She felt like a complete mess inside. Half of her wanted to run and the other half wanted to climb onto his lap and never let him go. And she was still wondering what it was like to kiss him.

"Chakotay, I don't know what to say. I feel I should apologize for imposing on you like I did. I also don't really have a good explanation. I know I've been feeling some strong emotions about you lately but why now is a mystery to me."

"It was no imposition. I would do anything for you, you know that."

She reached out and touched his arm. "Yes, I absolutely know that. But I can't have you sacrificing your health for me. I just can't. You're a wonderful man. I'm so sorry I've hurt you."

He looked at her intently for a moment, their eyes locking. His hand found hers and he held it tightly. "Can we get back to the strong emotions you've been feeling about me?"

Her heart started to pound. She thought for a minute trying to find a way out. Then she sighed to herself. There wasn't one. She took the leap. "I ... I've been wanting to be very close to you. Needing to be near you.  You avoiding me has been almost tortuous. Like right now."

"How am I avoiding you right now?" He was perplexed.

She smiled. "We're talking about this intense connection that's been happening, that I have no conscious memory of but clearly need and want. You've experienced it but it's been mostly painful because you believe your emotional reaction to it all is inappropriate. So we're talking and talking but we're not showing."

"Let me get this right. You think I should be demonstrating something to you? Like what - how you can't sleep without calling me?"

"Or how we kissed." She was staring at him again.

"You want me to show you how we kissed? Well, I think the ball's in your court on that one, Kathryn. You kissed me, remember?" He was staring back. He would be damned if he made the first move.

She pulled off her jacket and dropped it on the floor. "Okay, so how were we positioned? I was sitting up and you were, what, sitting on the edge of the bed?" She turned on the couch and took their cups, placing them on the table behind her. She put her feet up and pushed his leg. "Here, come over here, right?" She leaned and took his arm, pulling him to sit on the edge of the couch right in front of her.

"Yes, this is how we were. You put your arms around my neck." He couldn't believe she would actually do this but was willing to play along. He was waiting for the shoe to drop.

She put her arms around his neck, pulling him down a bit so that she could reach his cheek with her mouth. She began to kiss him. "Like this?" She asked between kisses. "I bet you didn't have this turtleneck on..."

Chakotay was beginning to rethink the idea of playing along with her, as he felt her nibbling on his earlobe. He didn't know just how far she was going to take this and didn't think he could handle it.

"I think you said you put your arms around me." She looked deeply into his eyes. His heart stopped. He put his arms around her and once more felt her heart beating against his chest. Then Kathryn poised her lips in front of his, "and that's when I kissed you?" He nodded once and when he stopped felt her mouth touch his own, her lips pressing softly on his. As he returned the kiss they were suddenly, once more, kissing each other deeply and passionately. He had a vague sense of the difference between this experience and that of the other night, but it might have been his knowledge that she was doing this of her own free will. And clearly enjoying herself. More than. He was in heaven.

Kathryn was overwhelmed anew by her feelings. No wonder Chakotay was upset. What she was feeling coming from their kisses was more extraordinary than anything previously experienced by her. She began to pull him down as she lay back on the couch pillows. He broke contact to look into her eyes.

"What are you doing, Kathryn?"

"Well if you have to ask, I'm not doing it well enough. I think I'm making out with you. I know I'm having difficulty stopping and want to get more comfortable. I would like you to have difficulty stopping as well."

"Trust me on that one." His voice was husky. He put his mouth back on hers and they resumed where they had left off, their lips parting as their tongues explored. After another few minutes, he pulled back again.

"Please Chakotay, don't stop..." She nearly moaned.

"Scoot over - I need to move. Please." He smiled with both dimples flashing. The sight caused untold feelings to spread throughout her body, raising her body heat ever higher.

She moved her hips closer to the back of the couch and turned slightly to give him room. He got up and turned around, laying down on his side. "Don't let go of me or I'll end up on the floor. Starfleet didn't know what it was doing designing these couches, did they?"

Kathryn laughed. "Maybe they did it deliberately. Can't have the first officer seducing ensigns, now can we? Or Captains." She grinned mischievously.

"So are the couches in the ready room any bigger? Because I hate to say it but the Captain is very definitely seducing the first officer here."

"No, it is the first officer's incredible good looks, glowing smiles, warm heart, strong body, abundant courage and unfailing loyalty that is seducing this Captain. I am in love with you, Chakotay. I can't deny it any longer." She looked into his eyes waiting to see his reaction. She was rewarded with deep brown eyes that softened and became wet with tears. Her hand caressed his cheek, her thumb wiped the damp from the corner of his eye. He placed his hand over her own.

"And I am still in love with you, Kathryn. So now what?"

"Kiss me, damn it." She smiled.

"Kiss me damn it please." He grinned in return. "No orders."

"Kiss me damn it please Chakotay. Please." She pulled his head toward hers and they melted into each other's mouths and bodies.

As his hand slid from her waist around to between her shoulder blades, Kathryn wanted to pull him closer. She clamped her foot behind his knee.

"Ow!" Chakotay laughed into her mouth. He reached down and felt the end of her leg. "Got to get those boots off of you..." He tried to pull the zipper down but couldn't do it alone. "Here, help me, grab the zipper, Kath"

She took the pull and started to laugh, then looked directly into his eyes. "Okay, but be careful" she warned.

"Careful? Of what, your precious toes?"

"I'm just a bit...ticklish."

He grinned at her. "Oh, really...."

B'Elanna stood outside the door to Chakotay's office. She knew he was in there and was worried he would sleep through dinner. She thought she could wake him gently rather than having the computer do it by calling him. She put in an override code and the door swooshed open. Her ears were assaulted by the sounds of squealing mixed with deep laughter. She saw Chakotay's backside on the couch and some flailing arms and a leg with a bare foot draped over his hip. Oh my Kah'les!! She quickly put her foot and arm into the doorway and pulled them back, causing the door to shut with another swoosh. She was staring at it with her hand over her mouth, laughing as quietly as she could when Tom arrived.

"B'El what the hell are you doing?"

"Oh Tom! You're not going to believe what I just saw, and heard. Just a minute, let me check something." She tapped her chest. "Computer, locate Captain Janeway."

"Captain Janeway is in Commander Chakotay's office."

She burst out laughing. "Tom - I think I just won the betting pool for real this time. Too bad I can't tell anyone but you!" She told him what she had witnessed.

"No way! She was squealing?? The Captain?! Go Chakotay!"

"Yeah, thank the Gods above, huh? Let's go eat and leave them to...whatever!" She grinned as she took his arm, leading him to the turbolift. Tom kept turning his head to look longingly at the door as they walked away.

"I give in, really, I give in..." Kathryn was pleading, cheeks wet from tears of laughter.

Chakotay ran his hand from her heel up the back of her leg, over the fabric of her uniform to her soft bottom, pulling it toward him while he kissed and licked her jaw line. She moaned in response.

"I told you Kathryn, tickling is one of the most erotic forms of foreplay..." He finished the sentence by nipping her earlobe while his fingertips trailed up and down her side, causing her to squirm and moan again. He brought his mouth back to hers and they devoured each other, low noises coming from deep in their throats.

She was the one to break contact this time. "We need to get out of here, Chakotay. I want to make love with you, I want it, no - I want you badly. Just not here on this stupid couch." She traced his lips with her fingers, he held her hand while he licked and sucked one of them. She felt her already wet pants get wetter. Their eyes locked. The love and desire they saw momentarily stunned each of them.

"You won't change your mind once we leave this room?" He asked.

She smiled deeply. "Absolutely not. Not later, not tomorrow, or the day after that or the day after that. Not until I'm dead."

He caressed her face and her hair. "I love you Kathryn Janeway."

"I love you Chakotay." She placed her palm on his heart.

After a minute of simply staring into each other's eyes he spoke. "Are you hungry for dinner?"

She giggled. "Actually now that you mention it, yes. Must be this mini exercise I got. Will you have dinner with me?"

"Yes. Will you be dessert with me?"

She groaned loudly. "Do you have any idea what you do to me? Yes, yes yes." She kissed him deeply but briefly. "I will be dessert for you only if you agree to be dessert for me and stay the night. No sneaking out. I want to wake up in your arms..." She wrapped her arm around his chest and pulled herself as tightly to him as she could. He held her close and felt another tear escape.

"I agree to your terms 100%."

"Thank you." She pulled back. "Now, I'd better go to my quarters and try to make myself a little presentable before seeing people in the mess hall. Give me 10 minutes? You want to come with or meet me?"

"Well, I need a cold shower before I can step outside so I'd better meet you."

"Why don't I come back and pick you up here? I might want to kiss you hello or something untoward like that." She grinned.

"Deal." He leaned in and kissed her deeply. "There's your kiss goodbye." He smiled with both dimples. Her heart melted at the sight.

She smiled and extracted herself from the couch, crawling over him. He groaned as she got up. She reached down and ran her hands through his hair and gave him a soft kiss on his head. Then she quickly smoothed down her own hair, wiped her mouth hopefully of stray lipstick pulled on her jacket, sock and boot and with a 'see you soon' stepped back into the real world. And found it wasn't so strange after all.

She was just completely changed, her life was wonderfully different and suddenly everyone looked blissfully happy to her. She hurried to get cleaned up.

Chakotay got himself up from the stupid couch and tried to come back to reality. He was in a sort of daze and actually pinched his arm to see that he was really awake. He sat at his desk trying to think about crew assignments in an effort to calm down his arousal. After a few minutes pondering the ins and outs of the stellar cartography department all was normal. His heart and his head were at odds, however. He felt as though his chest were exploding with finally released emotions. Kathryn loved him. And wanted him. They were in love. They, together, were in love. It wasn't just him, he hadn't been crazy those years ago when he was certain she was in love with him. Life was good. Very very good. He tapped the comm badge hanging over the back of his chair.

"Chakotay to Janeway."

"Hi!" Was the warm response.

"Hi. I'm heading to my quarters to change my clothes. Get out of this uniform. See you down there in a few, okay? Pick me up there?"

"I'll change too then, I like that much better. Yes, I'll pick you up shortly. Janeway out!"

He chuckled as he grabbed his jacket and headed out the door.

Ten minutes later the door to his quarters chimed. "Come in" he called from the bedroom, putting on his shoes.

In walked the woman of his dreams and she looked gorgeous. Wearing a simple off white tunic blouse over dark green pants. To him she was a goddess.

She walked up to him and put her arms around his chest and he enveloped her in a tight embrace,  nuzzling her neck. "Ooo - you smell really good..."

"Thank you, so do you." She pulled back and looked up at him. God, he was handsome. She gazed admiringly at the dark brown shirt he was wearing, which made the color of his eyes even warmer. He took the opportunity to lean over and kiss her. She melted right down into the floor. Why didn't he notice? She laughed as they pulled away.

"What's so funny?"

"Me. My ability to liquify at your touch."

He smiled. "I see. We'd better go then."

"Yes, we'd better." He put his arm out for her to take which she did gladly. They headed for the messhall.

Tom was leaning over to Harry. "Harry, Harry, listen I swear it's true. I mean I haven't seen it myself, but B'El did."

"Why didn't she say anything then?"

The woman in question was chatting with Ensign Nicoletti a few tables away. Likely about something technical, Tom thought.

"She's trying to keep it a secret just in case the Captain and Chakotay don't want anyone to know. But you're my best friend, I had to tell you. Besides, then you can join in the fun, too." Tom looked over his friend's shoulder. "Oh my God, they just came in." Tom waved to the couple who waved and smiled in return. "I'll be right back." Tom practically ran to B'Elanna's side and whispered in her ear. She whipped her head around to the galley and grinned then nodded. Tom returned.

"She'll be here in a second. Harry, you're going to have to change seats if you want to look. Maybe we should all go to a bigger table."

"That won't look too obvious, will it? Are you expecting them to join us or something?"

"They might. Let's give them the opportunity. Quick, that big one is open behind us, let's go." And Tom jumped up. Harry had no choice but to follow. They grabbed two of the seats facing the room. B'Elanna joined them.

"Look at them! They changed clothes. They look like they're on a date or something."

"You guys, they wear casual clothes to the mess hall lots of times. That doesn't prove anything." Harry argued.

Tom was watching their every move as they stood at the counter talking to Neelix. That's when he saw it. "There! Did you see that?!"

"No, shit, what happened?" B'El hissed.

"Chakotay touched her, between the shoulder blades, full hand on. She smiled at him. No death glare."

"So - he's put his arm around her before. I've seen it, during parties and stuff." Harry was still the skeptic.

B'Elanna stared at him. "Does this look like a party to you? And putting ones arm around the shoulders in a friendly manner is different than a possessive hand between the shoulder blades. That's a possession zone. What did he do then, Tom?"

"He casually pulled it back to his side." All three of them were watching the command team like a hawk now. The couple still stood at the counter chatting with Neelix while he filled their trays. They then turned and headed into the room. Their three friends saw the next one together and gasped collectively.

B'Elanna gleefully whispered, "You can't deny that one, Harry. A hand on your Captain's hip is not exactly within Starfleet regulations, nor is that in the 'friendly' zone. That is below the belt - a definite possession zone."

Harry was too stunned to speak. Tom alerted them to the approaching commanding officers. They tried to smile at the two and not grin too weirdly.

"Good evening. Do you mind if we join you? Can you stay for a few minutes more - we'd love the company." Chakotay smiled at his friends.

B'Elanna answered. "Please! Have a seat, we'd be more than happy to stay while you eat. Neelix actually prepared something good tonight. How are you Chakotay, Captain?"

Kathryn sat and looked at her three officers. She couldn't put her finger on it, but they looked, well, odd somehow. Chakotay was answering B'Elanna.

"I'm much better tonight, B'El. I had a good nap this afternoon."

"Yes, I know. How long did you end up sleeping?"

"You know?" Chakotay glanced at Kathryn, who smiled in response.

"She came to see you, to make sure you were all right. Apparently, Tom here called her to let her know you weren't responding to my calls."

"Goodness, I didn't realize you were all so concerned." Chakotay shook his head and ate a mouthfull.

"Chakotay! Of course I was concerned, after the past few days, how could I not be?" B'Elanna pleaded to him with her eyes. "And so you're fine now?"

Kathryn just kept smiling and eating her dinner.

"Yes, I'm fine now. Thank you for worrying about me." He smiled at her.

Tom looked at his Captain. "And Captain, how about you this evening? How are you doing?"

She smiled enigmatically. "I'm fine, Tom, how are you?"

Harry threw up his hands. "Well, I bet he's going to say 'fine'. Really, this conversation is quite enlightening. I feel fairly in the dark about most of it, other than the fact that the two of you are 'fine' tonight. So if you'll excuse me, I've got holodeck one reserved in a half hour to practice with the orchestra. Good night, Commander, Captain. I hope the rest of your night is 'fine' too." He got up and left.

B'Elanna looked at Tom with raised eyebrows. He shrugged in return. Chakotay swallowed his food and stared at them.

"Care to tell us what the hell that was all about? Harry seemed a little, strange."

Kathryn stared at the two as well. B'Elanna started to squirm.

"B'Elanna, does this have anything to do with what I've been wanting Chakotay to tell me? Because we had a long talk when he woke up. I know everything."

"Not exactly." She again looked at Chakotay. "Shit! Oh, excuse me Captain."

Kathryn held up her hand. "Don't worry about it." She chuckled. "But why the 'shit'?"

"It's shit because even though I am a Maquis I'm not very good at keeping things this important to myself. Chakotay, can you answer a question for me, even in front of Tom and the Captain?"

"They're my...friends, sure I'll answer the question."

"Are you in love with the Captain?"

He smiled, a relaxed, easy smile. "That's not hard to answer. Yes, I am." He turned his head to look at the woman next to him who was smiling a deep smile in return.

"And so Captain, your turn. Are you in love with Chakotay?"

Kathryn looked at her chief engineer. "I see. This is just between us four for now? Okay, I'll answer. Also a no-brainer. Yes, I am." She again smiled at the man sitting next to her who had never shifted his gaze.

B'Elanna and Tom watched their two commanding officers gazing rapturously at each other. She mouthed 'I told you so' to her lover, who grinned in response. Then she coughed discreetly and Chakotay and Kathryn broke their reverie to return to the table.

"So the two of you are in love. I just wanted it out in the open so I can tell you how happy I am for both of you. Really, I am thrilled. Big guy, my congratulations for hanging in there, I'm sure she was worth it." She stood and came over to him. He rose and they hugged each other warmly.

"Thanks B'El. And thanks for being a good friend these past few days."

"Anytime, Chakotay, anytime."

The four friends then sat and chatted for another hour. Tom and B'Elanna heard a lot, but not all, of the details of how the two newest lovers finally declared their hearts. Harry's emotional outburst was dissected a bit and Kathryn promised to talk to him in the morning. No decision was made as to whom to tell and when. They knew they didn't want the relationship to stay a secret but maybe just for this night until they got their bearings. They enjoyed the support and the chance to talk about what they were experiencing with two others who had already been through it.

Kathryn kept assuring B'Elanna that she had no intention of ever leaving Chakotay, that hers was a finally true heart and eventually B'Elanna believed her. Kathryn knew that if she ever did anything deliberately to hurt the man she loved, her engineer would likely do physical harm to her. She wasn't worried.

Kathryn caught Chakotay's eye and knew what he was thinking. Working together for all those years could come in handy she realized. She nodded to him and rose, bidding their friends good night, as did he.

They stopped in Chakotay's quarters first, so that he could pick up some things for the morning. Kathryn was happy to merely sit on his bed while he packed a small bag and watch.

"Kathryn, what are you grinning at?"

"Am I?"

He reached down and cupped her chin. "Definitely grinning there. No question." He released her and went to get his uniform.

"Hey!"

"What?" He stopped folding and returned to the bed, chuckling.

She grabbed the front of his shirt and pulled, he allowed it, sitting with a thud on the bed next to her. "Kiss me damn it please Chakotay."

"Well, since you asked so nicely..." He grinned at her, placed his hands on her face and kissed her softly. She pressed harder, he did the same. Her hands began journeying across his chest and around to his back while his slid down her neck and then down her back, trailing points of fire along their path. The kisses became deeper, the sighs felt by both against their lips. Chakotay gently stopped.

"Kathryn, lets get the hell out of here before you end up spending the night in my quarters instead..."

"So that means I'm going to have to get up and walk somewhere..."

"Yes, but think of the reward when you get there."

"Are you done packing yet?"

He laughed, grabbed the rest of his things then her, pulling her out the door.

Kathryn had taken a little time earlier to put some ambiance in her bedroom, placing candles on a number of surfaces. Her heart was skipping every other beat as she walked around the room lighting them. Chakotay was unpacking, watching her out of the corner of his eye. He was hanging up his uniform when he felt her hands sliding around his chest from the back. He turned and took her in his arms, embracing her tightly.

"I love you so much, Chakotay. I'm sorry for making us wait so long for this."

"No regrets, Kathryn, no apologies. We're here now, and I couldn't be happier. I love you too much to feel anything but bliss. Okay?" He caressed her face.

"Okay." And once more their lips drifted together, softly, lovingly. She then took his hand and led him to the bed, pulling the covers down.

"So where can we hide the comm badges?" He asked her with a mischevious grin.

She laughed. "Hm-m-m, how about in the recycler?"

"I like the way you think, Kathryn. And look. And move..." He came up to her, placing his hands on her waist, "and feel, and touch and most definitely I like the way you love me."

She continued unbuttoning his shirt, pulling it out of his pants, desperate suddenly to feel his skin as he leaned over her and took her mouth in a passionate assault. Her hands moved over every part of his chest then around to his back then pulled his shirt down his arms and off.

They undressed each other lovingly and yet quickly, laughing together, kissing deeply. They fell into the bed with their arms locked more effectively than their lips. Suddenly overwhelmed by the sensations of arms and legs and bodies touching fully they simply stared into each other's eyes and slowly smiled. Their mouths joined almost reverently, lips parting softly, tongues moving in and out and around.

"You feel awfully good" Kathryn said into his mouth.

"M-m-m yes, you do, too." Chakotay replied into hers as his hands began a journey of discovery. He enjoyed feeling her squirm as he ran his fingertips once more up and down her ticklish spots. She giggled and moaned in response, pressing herself against him every way she could. Kathryn in turn was learning his errogenous zones and delighted each time she felt a growl coming from deep inside his throat.

Chakotay moved his mouth down her neck, finally free of the Starfleet tunic and pips, as his hand explored her breasts, eliciting a change in her breathing and the feel of her leg wrapping itself around him, rubbing up and down. He continued to travel his hand down her body, lightly trailing his fingers across her belly then to her soft auburn curls, tasting her quickening pulse as he kissed her. He ran his hand up and down the inside of her thighs, tickling behind her knees then back up, eventually placing his hand on her mound. She groaned and managed to reach down to stroke him which got her another growl.

He gently moved his fingers between her lower lips until he found the center of her desire. She sighed his name against his mouth as his fingers caressed and teased her, slow, then fast, then slow again. Kathryn's breathing changed again and soft sighs and moans were coming from the back of her throat straight through his mouth and into his soul. He wanted to feel her fall apart in his arms. He could feel her opening to his touch and he slid first one finger, then two inside, his thumb still caressing. Her hips were rocking against his hand and he could taste her climax approaching. He increased the pressure just a bit and she bucked against him hard, calling his name, the contractions squeezing his fingers, which he gently removed.

Chakotay held her tightly to him, kissing her neck while she wrapped her leg around him riding out the waves, trailing her hands up and down his back. The climax had only increased her need for him and she rolled him to the side a bit so she could spread her legs, then rolled him back.

"Chakotay...I want you, please, inside of me..." She reached down and began to stroke him again, rubbing her thumb across his tip, finding his mouth again to push her tongue against his. "Please..." She called from the depths of her soul to his. Kathryn felt his desire wash over her as he answered her cry with the sound of her name. He moved his hips and she placed him at her opening then pulled her hand around behind him, caressing the spot at the top of his leg. Chakotay gently entered her accompanied by their joined moans and sighs. They were both transported. Kathryn's emotions overwhelming her, the love and desire for this man stronger than anything previously felt. The sensations of him filling her enraptured her completely. Chakotay was overcome by her, surrounding him, loving him, calling him. He had never felt anything like this before and he briefly wondered again if he really had woken up this afternoon as his mind floated somewhere above the bed.

They stayed that way for a minute or so, kissing deeply.

"I love you so much Kathryn..." He whispered in her ear, pulling his mouth away from hers. She trailed kisses down his neck, her hands running from his shoulders down to his legs, her own legs firmly wrapped around him.

"I love you Chakotay. More than I ever thought possible..." He groaned in response and placed his mouth on hers, beginning to rock her, slowly, savoring the sensations. Gradually they increased their movement as their desire and passion took over. Now they both tasted climaxes approaching which only fueled the fires more. Time stopped and nothing existed outside of their bed, not the ship, not the crew, not the journey home. Kathryn could feel herself completely losing control and only wanted it to continue as the orgasm washed over her, her hips pushing into his in response to his thrusts. As Chakotay felt her contract around him he came, moving himself even more deeply into her, spilling himself, feeling their waves combining, taking them to a state of bliss, together, calling each other's names, over and over until they both collapsed, entwined, permanently changed.
 

Hours later Chakotay woke up to the sensation of something moving erratically near him. He reached out to find Kathryn gently thrashing about, calling his name almost incoherently. He smiled as he pulled her back into his embrace where she sighed and snuggled against him, wrapping her arm around his chest and her leg over his. "I love you Kath" he said softly in her ear as he held her tightly and they both fell back asleep.
 
 

The End.

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