Summary: The nature of Kathryn and Chakotay's friendship.
Honestly, I can't say any more.
Personal Disclaimer: Written before airing of Shattered
in
case anyone notices similarities of
a certain scene...
Copyright 2001 Cassatt
"Harry," Kathryn Janeway's voice was ominous, "tell me we haven't lost them."
Harry Kim's fingers flew over his console. He paused, then repeated the action. "Captain, the sensors detect no shuttle."
"Damn!" The heat of her demeanor hid the icy hand that was trying to grab her heart at that moment. Her mind was working furiously, processing, trying to find the next logical course of action. Maybe the simplest solution... "Tom, take us to within fifty kilometers of the edge."
"Yes, ma'am," the pilot answered.
Kathryn turned to operations again. "Any determination yet what that noise was?" Please don't tell me it was an explosion.
"Nothing yet. I detect no debris, however."
Kathryn let out a breath. Of course, we detect no shuttle either. Tom Paris informed the bridge they had arrived.
"Did that help, Harry? Anything?" She stood up and began to pace, needing to release her own energy.
"I'm getting a fluctuating reading showing the presence of the shuttle, but no life signs. It appears to be moving, however."
No life signs... She felt her stomach fall to her feet. Kathryn was surprised that her next orders were given with a calm voice. "Tom, take us in on an intercept course. Full shields Mr. Tuvok. And Harry, you know what to do."
The minutes ticked by too slowly as Voyager entered the nebula, bucking the forces that assaulted it, looking for the Delta Flyer with its First Officer and Chief Engineer on board.
The table was set with Kathryn's best crystal and candles. She checked to be sure everything was ready before the door chimed. Thankfully, she hadn't ruined the dinner though in her exhaustion she'd come close. She sent up a prayer of gratitude to her replicator gods when the vegetable and rice casserole came out whole, unburnt, and smelling pretty good. Now that she'd deleted the extra two doses of pepper she almost gave it.
The door chimed. "Come in."
Chakotay walked in with a smile on his face carrying a bottle of wine and a PADD. "Am I late? Something smells good, Kathryn." He worked on opening the bottle.
"Right on time. I prepared a little early so that ... well, just in case," she said with a slight grin.
He chuckled, "Just in case it burned? Or something worse?" Pouring the wine, he handed her a glass which she raised back in his direction.
"Worse. Too much pepper. Sit, let's eat."
"I'm relieved you caught that." As she was serving, he handed her the PADD. "Here's my report on the nebula. B'Elanna's analysis will be ready in the morning. She and Tom have a date tonight and I told her it was okay. It's an anniversary for them. I trust you don't mind." He took a bite after she had her plate filled and a napkin on her lap. "M-m-m, this is good. Thank you."
"Glad you like it. I don't mind, they deserve the time. Tom was pretty stressed after today, though he tried to hide it. I understand how he felt." Kathryn busied herself with eating, not meeting Chakotay's eyes. Picking up the PADD she tapped it and scanned the entry quickly.
Chakotay watched her carefully, sipping his wine. "Kathryn..."
She interrupted him. "So what do you think about today's experience?"
He wasn't entirely sure what she was asking. "Well, I think that we learned a great deal about this phenomena that could help us in the future, if we run into a situation like this where our sensors go haywire we may be able to adjust for it. Not to mention how many scientists back home who'll be thrilled to get this data."
She met him squarely in the eye for a long moment. "How many times, Chakotay? How many times can we tempt fate?"
"Tempt fate?"
"You know, I send you into harm's way almost routinely now. Aren't we tempting fate?"
He saw a shadow cross her face. "I thought you didn't believe in fate, Kathryn. And besides, that's what life is out here. And another besides, you didn't send me."
She smirked slightly. "An irrelevancy. And the concept comes up for me at times like this. I don't care to think what my life would be like without my best friend. Haven't you ever wondered how we both ended up out here together?"
"Sometimes." In truth, he thought about it every other week at least.
"I think about how we met....."
.....The man shook out his umbrella, placing it in the wastebasket near the door. He turned to get in line and collided with a coat and a container of coffee which spilled across the floor.
"Oh my God, I'm so sorry..." He raised his head and met the eyes of a woman. Their gaze locked. Intensely, for longer than necessary. She smiled.
"It's okay, it happens." She moved to toss the cardboard container.
"Please, let me replace it? What was it?"
She studied the man in front of her. He looked sincere, anyway. "Okay. It was a decaf hazlenut au lait. Grande."
She went to sit by the window, watching the early morning crowd dodging the puddles of Market Street, rushing to offices, to banks, hotels, stores.
"Do you mind if I join you?" He placed her coffee in front of her, hoping she'd agree.
"Sure. Thank you." She raised her cup.
"It's the least I could do," he replied. "I was supposed to find a friend here, but I don't see him. So, do you work around here?" He took a sip of his own.
"I'll answer that if you tell me your name."
"That seems fair. James. James Tipton."
"It's nice to meet you James. I'm Ellen. Ellen Rose. And no, I don't work in the financial district. I work at SF General. I'm just down here for a conference today." She drank some of her coffee and studied the man across from her. He had an earnestness about him, an energy that was almost palpable.
"SF General? So on the medical side or the administrative side?"
She chuckled. "You could just come right out and ask me. I'm a Pediatrician"
"And the conference?"
"Oh a fascinating one. 'Pediatric Care in the New Millennium,' " she said with the merest hint of sarcasm.
James laughed out loud. "And you gave up work today for that?"
"Well, it's good to get out of the trenches and spend time with colleagues. Eat a catered lunch, visit the downtown, have some fun. So what do you do?"
"I'm retired." He looked out the window.
"I see. A dot com?"
"Close. Biotech. I sold a patent to a multi-national."
She was the one to look out the window now. "Dare I ask on what?"
He heard the slight disdain in her voice and was disappointed but not surprised.....
.....Chakotay tried to focus on Kathryn sitting across from him but his mind was swirling in confusion. What just happened? A daydream? Another alien presence? Something else? He was finally able to see her face and he could have sworn she looked as confused as he felt.
"Kathryn?"
She met his eyes. "So you just saw what I did? What was that?"
They stared at each other for a minute, processing. Kathryn attempted to answer her own question. "It didn't feel like a dream, not exactly anyway. An alien playing games with our minds again?" She got up heading for her desk.
"With visions of San Francisco at the turn of the 21st century?"
Kathryn brought a medical tricorder to the table and scanned him, then herself. "Nothing unusual, other than an elevated heart and pulse rate."
Chakotay took another bite of food. "Well, it's still fairly hot, so we couldn't have been out that long."
"Which goes back to the possibility it was a dream. They don't take long to occur, they just feel like it. Let's compare notes and see if everything was exactly the same."
After discovering their experiences were identical, scanning the room with a regular tricorder for any indication of an alien presence, calling the crewmember at Operations for beta shift to do a more extensive scan, getting a negative response to both tests, they were equally frustrated and confused. Not to mention disconcerted. They decided to take a wait and see attitude, talked a bit more about the day over the remainder of dinner and dessert and said good night.
.....She noticed a small feeling of anticipation fluttering in her stomach walking toward the restaurant. It had been awhile since she felt like that. But having dinner with a friend, a new friend, after the day she'd just had couldn't give her anything but a feeling of happiness, she reasoned. Opening the door she was relieved to see James already waiting. She hated sitting alone in restaurant foyers.
"Hi Ellen." He smiled as he stood.
"Hi, have you been waiting long?"
"Not at all, just got here." He motioned to the hostess who grabbed two menus. They followed her up some stairs to a very nice table near the railing. Sitting, they both looked out over the space seeing the brick, the warm lighting, the fireplace in the corner, the gleam of glass on white tablecloths.
"Ellen, this is a very nice place. Do you come here often?"
He watched her study the empty plate in front of her. "Not often. The last time I was here was, let's see, four months, 2 days ago."
"That's very exact."
"Yes, well, it was the day I broke it off with my fiancé. One tends to remember those times."
He took the opening presented for his own confession of failed romance. "It's been seven months, one week and 3 days since my wife left."
Their eyes met and locked for a moment. Then they both laughed. James picked up his empty glass and saluted her. "Here's to an evening talking about the past with a new friend. Getting it all out in the open. What do you say?"
She hesitated slightly then picked up her glass, too. "Agreed." She smiled.
They studied menus and once put back on the table, the waitress appeared. They placed their order, she left, and an uncomfortable silence ensued. James was the one to break it. He actually disliked talking about himself.
"So, what was so wrong with the man that you broke it off?"
"I'm going first, eh? Okay. What was wrong with him? He was a bit too possessive, a bit too...too, you know? I think he agreed with that old thing 'possession is nine tenths of the law'. He began to show signs of going to extreme lengths around me."
"That can be scary, or so I've heard. Did he hurt you?"
"No, nothing quite like that. I just had the feeling he could, so I ended it."
"How did he take it? I would assume not well."
"That's an understatement. He refused to believe it for about a week, then he just disappeared. Haven't heard from him since. A friend of his says he moved down to LA."
"I'm sorry. That it had to end badly, anyway."
"Well, it probably was inevitable. Maybe we had some stuff to work out from a previous lifetime or something, I don't know."
"You believe in that? I mean, being in medicine it seems as though you wouldn't."
"A woman of science? I'm not sure. A friend of mine does. He's always talking about past lives, tarot cards, meditations. It interests me. I don't know how to explain it, about my fiancé, that is. Looking back on the relationship, it just seems as though we meshed so well, better than anyone before, and we meshed so horribly, worse than anyone before. It was intense. How do you explain that?"
"I don't know that I can. I understand a bit of what you mean. Sometimes you meet someone and it's like you've met before. Something in their eyes is familiar....."
......Kathryn woke with a start. She grabbed the tricorder off the nightstand and scanned herself. Again, elevated pulse and heart but nothing else. She got out of bed quickly, put on her robe and left her quarters for the cabin next door. In her haste she put in an override code and entered without thinking twice, then headed straight for Chakotay's bedroom.
He was just sitting up when she walked in. "Kathryn, what the hell..."
"Did you just have it? The dream?"
"Yes, if you mean did I just dream about James and Ellen I did. They were out to dinner, talking about their exes. Or at least Ellen was..." He tried to remember what had just happened when he woke up with the realization that his door had opened.
Kathryn was pacing up and down by his bedside. "Chakotay, I don't like this. Tell me everything you remember, let's compare again. Want some tea?"
He could feel her anxiety and sighed to himself. "Okay, I probably can't get back to sleep now for a while anyway. Would you wait for me in the main room?"
"Why?"
"So I can put something on?" He stared at her.
She blushed. "Oh." When she got to the other side of the doorway she called out, "it's against Starfleet regulations to sleep ... in the nude."
"So write me up, Captain. You'll likely have to write a number of people up, though. Maybe we should have an inspection?"
She didn't miss the sarcasm in his voice. She sighed. "Point taken, Chakotay." She busied herself at the replicator, hearing the bathroom door close and open a minute later.
Sitting on his couch with mugs of tea, they once again went over every detail of the dreams. And once again, they were identical. Almost.
"But Kathryn, my perspective kept shifting, I'm sure of it. I'd be sitting across from James, then Ellen, then back again. Didn't you notice that?"
"No, I don't think so. I don't know which perspective I had. I remember feeling happy to be there, as though I had been looking forward to this dinner all day, happy to be talking together..."
"What was the last thing you remember before you woke up?"
"James was talking about the experience of meeting someone and thinking you've already met." She looked at Chakotay, something niggling in her mind. It was gone before she could grasp it.
"I must have gotten more. One or both was thinking that experience described their first meeting. In the coffee shop. I couldn't tell which, I just had the knowledge of it. It didn't feel strange to think that. Do you understand what I mean?"
Their eyes locked. Kathryn blinked first. "I think so. You mean that you've had that experience yourself and so it felt familiar?"
"I must have, because yes, it felt familiar." He didn't elaborate with her, suddenly afraid if he did, she'd bolt. "Have you ever had that experience?"
She studied her cup intently, then finally raised her eyes to his again. "Yes. About, oh, six or so years ago. On the bridge of this ship when a certain Maquis renegade materialized and tried to stare me down."
"He failed miserably. Because he had the same experience and it threw him. Completely."
"I see." Her attention reverted to the tea. "So what does this mean?"
He knew she was only asking about the dreams, not them, and wanted to give her an answer, hell, he wanted one himself. He had none. He shrugged.
"Chakotay, I need to understand what's happening to me. I feel, invaded, or something. Uncomfortable, uneasy. I don't like it."
"I'm sorry, Kathryn, I don't know what to say. Maybe we should get checked out tomorrow by the Doctor? At the end of our shift?"
"Boy, that sounds like fun," she said with a chuckle, "he won't know what to make of it if I show up there voluntarily."
"You can blame it on me if you'd like. Wouldn't want him thinking the wrong thing. Like you might consider taking better care of yourself or something like that." He smiled to take the sting out of it.
She slapped him lightly on the arm. "Don't get started on me! Okay, to sick bay we go, tomorrow at, say, 1500 hours if all goes smoothly on the bridge."
"You must be desperate considering a trip three hours early." He rose to take his empty cup to the recycler. She followed.
"I am. Well, thank you Chakotay. I apologize for waking you. I'll see you in a few hours. Good night."
"I think that's good morning, Kathryn."
She nodded to him and smiled as she left. He went back to his bed, stripped and tried to get some sleep, but his mind wouldn't stop. He had the feeling that Kathryn wasn't going to easily accept what might be happening to them. He had an idea about it himself and turned it over and over and over.
"Good morning, Chakotay." Kathryn smiled as he stepped down to his command chair but he could see shadows under her eyes. "Did you get any more rest?"
"Good morning, Captain. No. Did you?" Picking up a couple of PADD's sitting on his seat he got comfortable, glancing at them. One from B'Elanna and one from Harry.
"Not really. I kept thinking about them. Wondering if James ever told her why his marriage broke up."
"So you've changed your mind about feeling invaded?"
She chuckled softly. Neither noticed others on the bridge trying not to listen in to the conversation between their commanding officers. "No, I just can't get them out of my mind. It's like I was watching a holonovel and I only got snippets. Like why did Ellen feel judgmental about his biotech research?"
"I have some ideas, but I don't really remember much about that era in history."
Kathryn turned to the helmsman. "Tom, do you have scientific history in that cultural database you're compiling of the late 20th and early 21st centuries? The Commander and I have a question."
Tom swiveled his chair to face them. "I have some. If the answer's not there, I have to admit I failed Post-industrial Scientific History at the Academy. I was dating this girl then..."
"Tom. I'm sure it's a fascinating tale. Can you see what's there about the biotechnical sciences say right around the turn of the millennium? Or even a bit sooner by a few years?"
Chakotay leaned over the console. "I would hazard a guess that he did genetic research since he sold a patent."
"Did you hear that, Tom? Key in genetic research as well," she turned back to Chakotay, "I'd forgotten the patent part. Was this the time period when they were patenting the genome?"
Tom called out, "There's a little bit in the ship's computer that my query accessed. I'm sending it to your console."
They both leaned over and read what was there. Then looked at each other and shook their heads. "It's not much, is it?" She asked.
"Captain?" Harry's voice spoke from behind them, "I think I might be able to help you."
They turned to Ops, seeing Harry looking a slight bit uncomfortable.
"Well, go ahead," Kathryn encouraged.
"I actually did quite well in that course, and took the adjunct, Social Consequences of Scientific Discovery in the Late 20th Century. At that time period, genetic research was mostly involved with changing the genetic code of foodstuffs, plants, some lower animals, that sort of thing. There was quite a controversy over this due to the unknown ramifications to the ecosystem. At the time, there were some problems with butterflies and genetically altered corn if I remember correctly. There were no guidelines to speak of yet......"
......"I'm not sorry! I don't agree at all." Ellen stared straight ahead, not wanting to meet his eyes.
"But you can't criticize something you know nothing about! It's not irresponsible." James could only see red.
"Of course it is. You alter the code of some plant, then sell it to a large multi-national corporation who will plant it all over the third world, not monitor it at all, and damn the consequences! You don't call that irresponsible?"
"My work was completely within scientific parameters."
"How can you say that James? There were no parameters three years ago. No regulations, no rules to speak of, anyone and everyone could patent the genetic code of anything! As though they owned it."
"We all had to trust our own judgment, that's true. I had no one watching me from above, hell, no one to hold my hand and guide me along, I had to do it myself. Which only means that you're criticizing my morals and ethics! You're not in this field, how can you know anything?!"
"Just because I'm not in the field, I certainly know something about scientific ethics, for God's sakes. I'm in the trenches! I see the results of children exposed to God knows what in their environment, I know firsthand what happens when industries aren't regulated. Just because I'm not a pediatric oncologist doesn't mean I don't understand the link between the environment and children's leukemia."
"That's not the same thing! There are times when risks have to be taken for the greater good."
"And how can you be certain of what the greater good really is?!"
"I had to trust that my decisions were made in looking at the big picture, not based upon irrational fears."
"Irrational? What exactly is irrational about wanting to be careful that consequences are really looked at. That choices aren't made just because they can be. My God, what's so wrong with stepping back and taking a circuitous route rather than plowing ahead in a straight line, if that straight line means compromising a certain moral code?"
"What the hell moral code would that be?"
Ellen looked at him directly in the eye, and took some deep breaths. "You're taking this personally, aren't you?"
"Of course I am. You're criticizing my life of the past seven years....."
......Chakotay came to one more time with a start. He sat up quickly and looked around, trying to focus, to find Kathryn.
"Commander, I see you've returned to the land of the living. Welcome back." The Doctor approached him with the tricorder already scanning. "Hm-m-m..."
Chakotay looked at the biobed next to him and watched Kathryn open her eyes quickly and sit up as well. Their eyes met over the shoulder of the Doctor, now turning around to scan her.
"Doctor," he barked, "What are we doing here? How long have we been out?" Kathryn rubbed her face.
"Out is hardly the term. You have been merely in a state of altered consciousness, having some memories, that's all."
"Memories, Doctor?" Kathryn's voice was steely.
"Yes, memories. I've been able to run numerous tests on you over the last ten minutes. Your memory engrams are not altered, they're frequency rate has increased, but the pattern is no different. Mr. Tuvok sent you down here, apparently you altered your state while on the bridge. He thought it prudent to have you observed. You're fine now. I can show you the test results whenever you'd like."
Kathryn slid off the bed and began to pace. Each time Chakotay met her eyes, she averted the gaze. "Doctor, what we've been experiencing can't be memories. They're of almost 400 years ago! That's impossible."
"Impossible or not, they are your memories. Now, this does beg the question - why are you experiencing this? I may have an answer for you there, too." He looked quite pleased with himself as only he could.
Kathryn stared at him. Chakotay did, too, until he could stand it no longer. "Doctor," his teeth were gritted, "would you care to enlighten us?"
"Certainly! It was the nebula. I found an increase in your acetylcholine levels, linked to the heightened activity in your brains. The increased levels were directly influenced by the high positron output in the nebula!"
"Well, then," Kathryn's voice was unervingly low, "why are we the only ones to be affected?"
"That I cannot answer."
"I don't believe it." She stated flatly.
"Kathryn..." Chakotay tried to stop her progress toward the door. She held up her hand in response, shook her head and stalked out of sick bay......
......storming down the street. "I shouldn't have left like that...it's not good to leave things unresolved...I just am so damn angry I don't think I can talk civilly..." The rain fell on the sidewalk, as street lamps made glowing reflections in the puddles.....
......Kathryn's sight focused slowly on the wall of the corridor. She looked around, trying to remember where she had been heading and finally saw sick bay. No, these are not memories, it's impossible. This was the first time she'd had the experience of being one person. She tried to remember something that would give her an idea of who was walking, angry, in the rain. Nothing. All she saw was the sidewalk. No shoes, no clothing, no hands, nothing. She took a deep breath and headed back to sick bay to talk with Chakotay.
The door to sick bay opened and Chakotay saw Kathryn walk in, almost tentatively. She glanced at him briefly before continuing on her direct path for the EMH.
"Doctor. Let me see the test results. All of them."
"Of course, Captain." His fingers skimmed the console quickly and the two reviewed data. Kathryn asked a number of questions but the evidence appeared irrefutable. Chakotay watched her carefully, assessing her emotions, her reactions. He wanted to make this easier for her, he just didn't know how. Eventually she made her way over to him.
"I'm sorry, Chakotay." She met his eyes directly.
"For what?"
"Walking out. I need to talk to you about this. We need to talk."
"It's all right, Kathryn, I understand. I made the Doctor review everything, too. And I don't know how I feel about all of this either."
"I had another...experience out in the corridor. This time I was one of them. I had just walked out on someone and I was too angry to talk. It was raining."
"Well, I did too. I was the one who was left. I was too angry to follow."
"Chakotay, we have to figure this out."
"We will, I promise."
"I'll have Tuvok stay in command of the bridge. Let's go take a walk on the holodeck? I need to move."
"I'd like that." They started for the door. "So, where would you like to go? The beach? The forest? The mountains?" He smiled down at her.
"Forest, and maybe a couple of fields. We could bring some food."
They were relaxing in a field of grasses and wildflowers, programmed to be reminiscent of Kathryn's home state of Indiana. Each had put on off duty clothing, Kathryn had brought a blanket, Chakotay the food. They had been talking mostly about all things Voyager on the walk, now, sitting in the soft sunshine of a warm autumn day, satiated from lunch, they both knew it was time to seriously talk.
"So, Chakotay, let's summarize what we know."
He smiled to himself hearing Kathryn attempt to analyze something as mystical as past lives. "Okay, summarize away."
She looked at him for a fleeting moment. "Well. I have to trust that what the Doctor says is correct. We are having ... memories of two people, a man and a woman, living in San Francisco at the turn of the 21st century. They appear to be friends, having met in a coffee shop. She's a pediatrician, he's a retired bio-engineer, apparently a genetic researcher. Both have recently ended romantic relationships. They enjoy each other's company, except they apparently argue over some ethical issues involving his research. Anything else we know?"
"Kathryn...never mind. No, I think that's about it. Other than it also appears that you are one of them and I am the other."
"What were you going to say?"
He lay down on his side after pulling a piece of grass slowly from a clump and putting it in his mouth to chew. The end was sweet against his tongue. "I just don't think analyzing the facts of their lives is what we really need to discuss. Do we accept that these are real, true memories? We say yes. We aren't mentioning the next leap of faith. Reincarnation. Did we know each other in a previous lifetime? If we say yes to that, what does that mean to us now......"
......They were sitting at Ocean Beach enjoying a sunny day near the end of winter. It was chilly, but sunny. They sat on the tide wall wrapped up in their coats, containers of hot coffee between them.
"How about a movie?"
"I have to cover clinic starting at 5."
"That's too bad. The new indie about the brother and sister is supposed to be good."
"I'm not sure I want to see it. From what I hear, it may be a little too close to home for me."
"Your brother is more together than that guy, isn't he?"
"Sometimes I think so, right now I don't. At the moment, I wish I was an only child. He's driving me crazy and I can only see it's going to get worse as we get older, and our parents get older..."
"Now, Ellen, you don't really wish you were an only child, do you?"
"You bet I do. And if this previous lifetime business is real, odds are my brother and I were married before. We certainly fight like it."
"I don't think it works like that. I mean I think sibs stay sibs. My wife and I were probably married before. That's why she left me. She knew it was pointless from the first time around."
"So if we knew each other before, what did we learn?"
James looked out at the waves rhythmically pounding the sand. "I'm not sure we know yet. That we're friends, good friends. I don't know sometimes how that happened, but it did."
He didn't see Ellen wipe a tear from the corner of her eye.....
.....Chakotay looked at Kathryn looking at him. He felt different emotions all crashing against each other inside his chest. An overwhelming sadness for one. Love and affection for another. Mixed up with how he felt about Kathryn.
"Chakotay, why was she crying? Why is she so sad? I feel like the weight of the world is sitting on my chest right now."
"I feel the same thing. I don't know, it doesn't seem to make any sense."
"Damn it, I wish I knew why this was happening to us. Not the nebula explanation, why this is happening. What is the point? I'll accept that reincarnation could be a reality, how can I not after the past day? I .... I know that when I saw you for the first time I recognized you. Not just your face of course, your eyes. That's got to mean something. But why now? Why do we need to understand this now?"
"Kathryn, I suspect that we're not supposed to be able to figure it out. I think the answer will come to us when we're ready to hear it."
"That sounds like one of your tribal sayings..." She grinned slightly.
"My tribal elders were very wise." He grinned back.
They were quiet for a few minutes, each lost in their own thoughts. Chakotay rolled over on his back, looking at the clouds. "My elders had another saying. Tired minds make tired thoughts..."
Kathryn laughed softly. "Does that mean it's nap time?"
"Yep. Computer set wake up alarm 30 minutes." He closed his eyes as the computer beeped its response.
She lay down on her side and watched him fall asleep, still trying to come to terms with the possibilities. On the one hand it made complete sense given the bond they had forged so quickly, the intensity of their struggles, the closeness they felt with each other. Her eyes fell shut. On the other hand....past life together?.....would that mean there were other lives together.......
.....James paced the living room listening to the sounds of packing coming through the doorway. He picked up a magazine, flipped the pages absently and put it down. Finding the remote he turned on the television, changed channels, watched a few minutes of the game then turned it off and threw the remote down on the couch. He got up and walked directly to the door then slowed his pace and finally stopped. He turned and went back to the couch.
Ellen came in the room with a backpack over her shoulder, pulling a suitcase behind her, eventually parking both by the front door. She opened the closet, took out a couple of coats and draped them over the suitcase. She walked to the bookcase and grabbed one then walked to the door and put it in the pack. Then and only then did she turn to look at the man on the couch.
"Well...say something James." She put both hands on her hips.
"Like what? I don't want you to go?"
"Is that how you feel?"
He studied his hands. "Look, I want you to have a nice trip. Enjoy yourself. I know this is something you've always wanted to do. I just don't like you leaving when...well when things aren't comfortable between us."
"You can't make that better."
"I don't think you really believe that," he said somewhat angrily, "otherwise you wouldn't be giving me such a hard time about taking this job."
"I don't want to get into this again..." Ellen's face closed. She took a deep breath. "James, I don't have any right to press you one way or the other. I'm your friend. I should be giving you support."
"And you don't feel like you can. I understand, believe me. But..."
"No, I can't."
"Ellen, I'm just restless, I need something constructive to do with my life, I need to learn new things.... Sorry, I know you know that..."
"I do. That's why I'm taking this trip. It will give me some time to think, I need the break. You know this has been a dream of mine for a long long time." She looked at her watch. "I really need to get going, I want to make the state line by dinner."
"Let me help you carry your things."
"I'm okay, James. I can take care of it."
They looked at each other a little awkwardly. He then walked to her and they hugged, briefly but intensely.
"Ellen, do me a favor?"
"What."
"Take some sunset photos of the mesa? And the mountains? And maybe pick me up a souvenir in Taos?"
She smiled. "Okay."
"I just want you coming back here, that's all. I don't want to lose...my friend."
"You won't, trust me."
"I'll try........."
......Kathryn woke up more disoriented than other times. She looked around, saw Chakotay still sleeping, grasses gently moving in the breeze, the sun shining and remembered suddenly they were on the holodeck. She felt the overwhelming sadness again and had the urge to cry. She felt the pain of loss and regret. She couldn't understand why, whose, Ellen's? James'?
She reached out and shook Chakotay's shoulder gently. He slowly opened his eyes and stretched.
Commander the time is 1330 hours, Commander the time
"Computer, end alarm." Chakotay stretched again and rolled over to face Kathryn. "That was a nice nap. Did you sleep?"
Kathryn studied him and saw only calmness. "You didn't have a dream?" For some reason her heart started pounding.
"Of Ellen and James? No. You did?"
She nodded her head, suddenly unable to speak without tears.
"Kathryn, what happened? You look like you're about to cry. Tell me."
She took a deep breath and told him as much of the dream as she could remember. Then about the feelings it evoked in her.
"I don't like this Chakotay. I feel uneasy again. And why didn't you have it, too? You were right here, you had the other memory with me not fifteen minutes before we fell asleep. What the hell is going on?"
"You're certain you weren't one person or the other, right?"
"Right."
Chakotay's mind was grasping at possibilities. He had an idea but didn't want to bring it up until he was sure. But how to get an answer...
"Chakotay...what are you thinking? I hear your brain working..."
"There is something I can try to find out why my memories have stopped. A vision quest might do it." He looked at her seriously. "If these really are my memories, my spirit guide should know something."
"You can find out about past lives? Why didn't you do it before?"
"I can't strictly find out by just asking, 'tell me about my past lives'. I might be able to get a sense of what happened in this one because I'm already having the memories. The possibility is opened. I may just get a feeling, I may get an actual answer. I'm willing to try."
"When?"
"How about now."
Their eyes locked. She nodded, he responded with a brief dip of his head. They gathered their things and left for their respective quarters.
Chakotay sat on the floor at the low table and opened his medicine bundle. He lifted the Akoonah, bringing it within reach. He picked up three of the carved stones one by one and held them in between his hands, breathing steadily and deeply. He stilled his mind. Finally ready, he placed his hand on the Akoonah.
"Akoochimoyah, Akoochimoyah...I am far far away from the home of my grandfathers, from the place of their bones and blood...."
Kathryn paced her main room until her legs couldn't carry her any longer. She felt exhausted and knew her brief nap had done nothing to relieve the fatigue that permeated her body. She was almost afraid to lay down, afraid another dream would come, afraid of the emotions she would feel upon waking. But she knew in her heart she had to get some rest so she took herself to the bed and stretched out. She fell asleep within minutes.....
....."Take some photos of the mesa? And the mountains? And maybe pick me up a souvenir in Taos?"
Ellen smiled. "Okay."
"I just want you coming back here, that's all. I don't want to lose ... my friend."
"You won't, trust me."
"I'll try, though you know that's never been one of my strong suits."
"I know."
How could I be so stupid? How could I say those things? Why didn't I pay closer attention?
Chakotay looked around, patiently waiting for his spirit guide to appear. He heard footsteps approaching him and turned. "Father."
"Hello Chakotay. You are surprised to see me."
"I was expecting her. I have some questions..."
"And you don't think I can give you the answers." He smiled.
"You are here, so I suppose you can." He returned the smile.
"Yes. It was thought I may be more comforting to you while you take this particular journey."
"I think I understand. I'm ready."
How could I be so stupid? How could I say those things? Why didn't I pay closer attention? Now all I have left is this day, this day, and I have to smile, and greet her family...please accept my condolences...she was a wonderful person, a dear friend. NO! NO! She was the woman I loved and I never told her! I let her GO. I should have STOPPED her. I should have told her before she left. I had all those chances. Those chances. All those chances. God, please can you take me instead? I'll make any deal you want. Her life for mine. A worthwhile life for one not quite so.
How am I going to talk to them? They look devastated. As I feel. Ellen, I'm sorry...I'm so so very sorry...I loved you....please forgive me.......
......Kathryn woke up crying. Deep sobs wracked her soul as she buried her face in the pillow. She cried and cried without relief.
"I think I understand. I'm ready."
"I know. I love you, son."
I love you Father... I am sitting at a wheel, that's a...steering wheel. God, I could use some music. That's better, I always liked that song. It reminds me of...no! I can't start crying again, I can't. I'm doing the right thing. I need this. Damn! Where's the kleenex...
He heard the noise, the squealing, the metal against metal, but didn't feel a thing. Even as the car flipped again and again he felt nothing. When the light claimed him he only felt peace, replacing the regret. The love never left him.
Kathryn, finally spent, sat up and wiped her eyes. She got herself to the sink and rinsed her face, studying it in the mirror as she dried. You have to tell him, Kathryn. Talk to him. Tell him. Yes. She knew deep in her heart it was the right thing to do. He had to know the truth. She wouldn't make the same mistake twice. She left her quarters quickly.
Chakotay rolled up his medicine bundle carefully, with surprisingly steady hands, he thought to himself. The loss he felt was twofold. The usual small spot of pain that returned whenever he left his father. That he knew how to handle. The other one was fresher, and older. Though Ellen no longer felt regret, Chakotay did. Thinking on the wasted time that was in their life as James and Ellen made the pain he occasionally allowed himself to feel rear it's ugly head again. Anew. More acutely.
He knew he had to tell Kathryn what he had learned. He understood now why they went through this. What had really triggered it. This was going to hurt her. How could he tell her when all he ever wanted to do was protect her? How would he keep from holding her in his arms? He knew that as her friend he had no choice.
His door chimed.
The End.
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