Summary: Second part of the novel titled 'Home'.
Kathryn's POV. Chakotay pulls away and she
doesn't understand why. Angst.
Copyright 2001 Cassatt
"Mark..."
She said the name to herself. Her mind was nothing but a complete and total turmoil, a cacophony of sound and noise from both within and without. She felt the padd slip from her fingers and watching it fall in slow motion knew it landed by visual cues only.
Suddenly aware of movement to her left she turned her head to the man who occupied the command chair next to her own. Or had occupied it, for she only saw his back as he walked directly off the bridge. She felt a stab in her heart at the sight of his departure, walking slowly but not responding to those around him as they expressed their joy at the communication just received. They were going home. Very soon. His words registered at that moment, words he had spoken a moment before and just now permeated through the din in her mind. He was leaving to retire to his quarters, or at least that's what translated.
Why he was not happy, why he had left her to talk to the crew alone, what he was thinking were all issues that barely skimmed the surface of her brain. It was already occupied with everything that needed to be done before the rendezvous, synapses firing at a high rate of speed as list after list formed behind her eyes. And allowing herself to be hurt at his leaving wasn't something she had time for. Or could deal with.
Days passed and the pain resurfaced as his absence was felt more and more acutely. Waking up alone was among the worst of times, though going to sleep in the first place without his arms surrounding her and his heart beating beneath her ear was almost more than she could bear. She finally discovered that by putting every pillow she had next to her under the covers she could at least drift off with the illusion he was there.
She was hurt at his apparent desertion of the crew, and her, in their push to make the final journey. A few of their closest friends came to talk about him but none had any answers for her. They expected her to know. She expected them to. And the one who did wasn't talking.
She tried a few times, eventually giving up when she got nothing but blank looks or one word responses. Fully understanding that it was he who always made the effort to reconnect she wanted her attempts to make a difference. It hurt anew to see they didn't. She didn't let herself believe, however, that they were over. She couldn't. Somehow when they got home they would find a way back, they had to. She had spent too many years keeping her fears tightly controlled to give in to them now.
As she stepped off the shuttle on Earth, the throng of people surrounding her, the noise again bouncing off the inside of her skull, she frantically looked around for him. She thought he was in the shuttle that landed just before hers, but couldn't see his jet black hair anywhere. She did see her mother and sister running toward her and in their long needed embrace a weight lifted from her heart and tears streamed down her face.
She felt someone tapping her shoulder urgently and turned to see B'Elanna's stricken face.
"Captain! They've arrested him! I thought you told us that wouldn't happen!"
Her heart stopped dead in her chest. Tom rushed to them and confirmed the worst. Then Tuvok approached and though his outward demeanor was as unflappable as ever, she could tell he knew something.
"Captain. It is true. I was with him when four Federation men took him away."
"What did he do, Tuvok?!" She needed to know, to hear that he struggled, fought, put up resistance as only he could.
"He appeared resigned and dignified. He made no protest. It was most impressive. I would not have expected less from the Commander. He was brave, as usual."
At that moment the only sound she could hear was her own heartbeat. The only thing she could see was a blinding flash of light behind her eyelids. He made no protest? He went willingly? My angry warrior?
During the next hour she managed to almost destroy any remnants of her relationship with Admiral Paris as she demanded answers from him, to almost pacify her crew who were beyond themselves with fury, and to almost allay any fears the former Maquis members had over their own future. B'Elanna was ready to pound Chakotay for being so passive, Tom was furious with his father and confused over the political wrangling that had negated the Admiral's decision to grant a pardon, Harry was beside himself with worry for his admired Commander, Neelix was prepared to break the man out of prison, even Seven was pacing trying to get a word in. Tuvok told his Captain he would support her and the Commander in any way he could. The entire crew was now gathered in the shuttle bay, their worried families wondering what was happening and what they could do about it.
Plans were made to meet later that evening at a tavern in the city to discuss the situation, finally letting the crew and families leave to reunite in private.
She left for a hotel with her mother and sister after extracting a promise from the Admiral to get the attorney's name who was handling Chakotay's case. No one but immediate family and counsel was allowed contact with the prisoner. She felt almost desperate to get a message to him, to talk to him, to hold him, to tell him everything was going to be okay, that she loved him, that she missed him. To find out why in the hell he was acting this way.
In a luxuriously deep bathtub, amidst very hot water and loads of bubbles,
she finally let go. The pain began as a dull ache, quickly blossoming into
a deep, soul searing anguish. She cried until she had no more tears to
give.
End part 2
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