Summary:  Part 14, the Conclusion to "Home".

Author's Note:  Credit needs to be given to Jeri Taylor and her book Pathways.  All attributes given to the animal guides herein are taken without permission from Medicine Cards by Jamie Sams and David Carson, Bear & Company, Santa Fe, NM, 1988.

Personal thanks to all of the loyal J/C fans who've written to me, encouraging me to continue with their kind words, gentle and sometimes not so gentle ;-) prodding. My heartfelt and lifelong thanks to my beta reader. You know who you are, love.

Copyright May 2001 Cassatt

The courtroom was a madhouse of shouting, hugging, crew members slapping each other on the back and reporters rushing to the front of the room. Kathryn saw just one thing and was moving straight for him as rapidly as she could. It was almost like the parting of the red sea as the people moved quickly aside for her. Chakotay could only stand rooted to the spot, his eyes locked firmly on hers, his arms open. The last three steps she took on the run before being lifted to him, kissing his neck furiously, not giving a damn about anyone seeing, anyone taking images, anyone thinking anything about it. They were both crying and he held her so tightly she thought she'd never breathe again.

"Thank you, God," she whispered. "I love you, I love you," she repeated over and over.

He let her down slowly until they could make eye contact. He wiped her tears and she reached up and wiped his. "I love you Kathryn. We're free, you know?" A smile broke out across his face, lighting it up from within. Hers followed suit.

"Yeah, we're free..." She felt the crazy urge to giggle.

The hubbub around them could be ignored no longer, and as if they were readjusting the volume controls, suddenly the world that seemed silent was loud, invading their privacy. She wrapped her arm firmly around his waist as he held her tightly to him and they turned to the audience. They were instantly surrounded by family and friends and only vaguely aware of the reporters keeping a slightly respectful distance.

The congratulations and laughter and plans for parties and hugs and kisses and more slapping of backs went on for what seemed a long time. Every one of the crew members, senior staff included, was greeted. Every good word accepted. Eventually, Mueller made his way to his client. Even he got a hug from not only Chakotay and Kathryn, but Gretchen, too.

"There's going to be a family party this afternoon and evening, Commander, I'm inviting you as well. It's impromptu, of course, but we Irish know how to throw a party," Gretchen clasped his hand warmly. "Please, will you come? We'd like to thank you properly."

"I'd be honored, Gretchen. Really, I'd love to."

"Good. That's settled. Erin, give him the details..." She gently shoved the lawyer in her niece's direction.

Mueller did manage to make it back to his client and fiancé, convincing them it was time for the press conference. A press conference they would be quite happy to do, he insisted, because it would mean that, hopefully, the men and women who had been hounding them would get their answers, and, also hopefully, leave them alone. Chakotay and Kathryn relented. The senior staff present as well as their family and even Admiral Paris volunteered to join them. And thus it went, they grouped themselves together at the top of the stairs outside the courtroom and answered questions, and more questions, and more questions.

They were being asked the most mundane of things in what appeared to be nothing more than a prurient interest in their living arrangement. No matter how many times Mueller moved them to another topic, sooner or later another question would be asked, about that morning, about where they were when they heard the news report of the pardon.

Kathryn wanted to yell out, "Okay, listen! I was asleep, on top of him, naked, blissfully unaware of anything having to do with the tribunal when the report was on. We had some really hot sex a couple of hours before that! Want details?!" She was afraid she was going to start screaming. Mueller would keep either of them from responding, jumping in with an admonishment about questioning their personal life. Then Chakotay would chuckle almost silently, lean over to her ear and whisper seductive things to her, running his thumb on the inside of her left wrist, causing her to blush furiously with a skipping heart. She was getting the message clearly from him. Get them home. Soon.

Questions about their future in Starfleet, some to Tom about the baby, to his father about the pardon and the politics behind the refusal made a couple of weeks previous. Questions to Mueller about the prosecution, about the judge, about his case. On and on.

By the time it was over, the adrenaline rush fading, they were both feeling exhausted. A promise was made to Tom that they'd come see B'Elanna and the baby shortly after lunch. Then to Erin's for the party in the late afternoon. No other plans were made except to get home as soon as possible and collapse. The crew members were reluctant to say good bye but finally did, though perhaps that was due to Tom passing the word through the group that their command team needed a break, and it was up to all of them to provide it.

They walked with the family to Erin's house then begged off coming in for coffee, and no one seemed to mind much. Other cousins, aunts and uncles needed to be contacted about that afternoon, though no one doubted the pardon was already known by this time. The news likely was spread through their own phone tree at warp speed. Everyone would be expecting the party call.

Chakotay and Kathryn eventually got home. To their house. Alone. And gloriously free. Free. The door swooshed shut behind them. They dropped their bags. They came together, intensely, tightly, emotionally overwhelmed. Hardly being able to let go, but both knowing they needed to.

"Chakotay..."

"Hm-m-m?" His face was buried in her neck.

"Let's move the mattress back, hold each other, take a nap. I need to be with you."

"You are, Kathryn, from now on... but yes, let's."

The bedroom door to the patio was wide open, the sun was shining and a slight breeze wafted in, bringing with it the barest scent of ocean and sage. They were laying on clean sheets, faces to the outside, spooned together as he held her tightly to him. He languidly kissed her shoulder and she stroked his forearm and hand softly. She felt him succumb to sleep and watched the wildlife in their backyard enjoying late spring. A giant yellow swallowtail dipped and glided around one of the flowering trees. Some sparrows hopped in and out of the base of the shrubs. The sound of playing children drifted in from somewhere in the neighborhood, mixing with the soft snores behind her head. She closed her eyes and succumbed as well.

They made slow, luxurious love when they woke up, the breeze cooling their heated bodies, the sun barely coming directly into the room. She lay in his arms when they were done and traced his tattoo reverently, sure now she would be able to do this whenever she wanted for the rest of her life. Not at all the experience of the past few days, when the tracing was done with a dull stab in her heart. And though sleep seemed like a wonderful idea once again, they instead pulled each other out of bed, into their second shower of the day and then down the hall to the kitchen for some lunch. There was an abundance of messages left on the vidphone that they listened to while they prepared food. Lunch was taken outside, talk centered around what type of furniture they'd like for the patio, what type of work the small garden could use, which flowers Kathryn would plant for him and how they'd like to get to the beach from there, to explore the paths and stairways down to the sand and water.

They gathered up the baked goods, keeping some for themselves, and the cards to take to B'Elanna and Tom's. The fear of being separated now receded, nonetheless they moved around each task, each chore and activity together, holding hands, touching each other whenever possible, kissing frequently, letting things settle around them. The routine dictated only by their own wants and wishes and the few obligations they had for the rest of the day.

Kathryn felt, at times, almost lethargic, willing herself not to dream of being back in bed, asleep. She was looking forward to seeing the baby, and her family, and she wanted to be next to Chakotay always. She knew this was the last day she'd have with her mother and sister, they'd be returning to Indiana in the morning. She herself wanted to go back, but for some reason, she was having a difficult time picturing herself there. After years and years of dreaming of lush Indiana farmland and her own home, she felt no burning desire to make concrete plans for a visit. Chakotay assured her she would soon, she just needed to settle first. Everything needed to settle. She decided to make the most of the time left with Gretchen and Phoebe, vowing to remain by their side throughout as much of the party as possible.

Chakotay was allowing himself for the first time in forever to think honestly, clearly, about his future. Not just Kathryn, and having children, but what he wanted to do with the rest of his life. Short term, they'd give the school project a try and see how Starfleet responded to their ideas. One of the messages he'd received while asleep was from the Interplanetary Anthropological Association. The IAA was, indeed, more than interested in his discoveries, and wanted a preliminary meeting with him the following week. In the very short term, he'd keep a close eye on Kathryn. See if she had any more nightmares.

This time they were walking to the Paris house in bright sunlight, bearing small gifts, seeing people out with their dogs, with their children, the Nob Hill neighborhood otherwise quiet in the middle of the week. Kathryn had put on her blue dress again, Chakotay wore plain brown slacks and an off-white tunic, his sleeves rolled up in the warm weather.

The visit with their friends and the baby was relaxed, fun, and heartfelt. The name had been picked. It was Miral Kathryn, Tom and B'Elanna proudly announced. Kathryn immediately began to cry without being able to control it. She and B'Elanna hugged each other, then the new mother took her former captain, now friend, always mentor outside to the patio where they talked. About Miral, of course, but also about Chakotay, about their plans for children, and a little about the future.

Tom and Chakotay, in the meantime, took Miral to the Paris' family room where there was a pool table. She was happily passed back and forth between the men while they played, to her acute amusement they were certain, even though she couldn't see anything further than her own hand and did nothing more than stare and make the myriad of faces that newborns do. Both men thought she was the most adorable baby they'd ever seen. Tom's sisters had arrived but were out shopping with Marie. Owen was back at work. So feeling more comfortable without an audience, Tom confessed to having some difficulty getting her t-shirts changed without making her cry. Chakotay pulled him away from the pool table and upstairs to her changing table, showing Tom how to roll her and stretch her arms into the sleeves with a minimum of fussing. Grateful, Tom proudly showed him how he could change the diaper easily. Neither men saw their loved ones watching them from the hallway, nudging each other and trying not to laugh too loudly. In truth, both women fell in love with their men all over again during those moments, though neither was wont to admit it.

They stopped at the provisions store on the way home to restock their supplies and get themselves some special treats, seasonal vegetables and fruit, coffee ice cream and anything else that struck their fancy wandering the aisles. Being the guests of honor at the party they weren't obligated to bring anything to the potluck. But there were some beautiful cut flowers they couldn't resist and grabbed them for Erin and Bill, to be given in gratitude. There were some people in the store who took a moment to welcome them to the town, to quietly pass along their congratulations. But on the whole they were left in peace. The beginnings of a normal life were starting. Their spirits lifted anew.

They heard the sounds of the party as they approached the house from the sidewalk. Clearly people were having a good time.

"Um, Kathryn, how many relatives did you say were going to be here?"

She heard the slight trepidation in his voice and gave his waist a squeeze. "Oh, I don't know, a hundred or so?" she teased. "About twenty, thirty, I don't know who all actually. Think of it as a diplomatic mission, a first contact situation. Your natural charm will make it all easy."

"Natural charm, huh?"

"Well, I don't want you spreading your sex appeal all over the place, thank you."

He kissed the top of her head. "That is reserved only for you, my love, only for you..."

"And I thank God every day for it," she replied, kissing his chest.

Chakotay had been noticing the more frequent references she made to her God. He'd heard her muttering 'Please, God...' under her breath over the past few days when he probably wasn't supposed to notice. He assumed Gretchen had a hand in it and if Kathryn had asked him, he would have given his hearty support. He noticed right then that her breathing had quickened and become more shallow.

"Are you nervous," he asked in surprise.

She hesitated. "No. Well, maybe a little. I haven't seen so many of these people in years and years... It'll be fine," she said decisively. "Ready?" He nodded. She hit the door chime.

They were enveloped in the overwhelming love of Kathryn's family almost instantly. Of course, Erin, Gretchen, Phoebe and Bill were the first ones to welcome them, to take the flowers, to pepper them with questions about their general state of being since that morning. Gretchen then proceeded to take Chakotay by the arm and introduce him around. Kathryn kept hold of his hand, giving and receiving hugs and kisses in the process. He shook everyone's hand and desperately tried to remember names. Kathryn whispered to him rather early on, "Don't worry, we'll go over it all later." He smiled at her warmly. Her heart melted.

Introductions over with, the party resumed. Food and drink were consumed. Delta Quadrant stories were told. Some games were played. Some songs were sung. Younger second and third cousins shyly approached in small groups to ask Chakotay questions about his home, his tattoo, even the Maquis. Kathryn had some time alone with her mother, in the guest bedroom, seeing her fiancé quite relaxed with Bill and a few of her uncles and aunts having a calm, for her family, political discussion.

She and Gretchen had an intense talk, about returning to Indiana, about how she was doing, really. Kathryn tried to reassure her that she was doing fine, really. Gretchen didn't completely believe her, but just continued to offer her ear and support, even if she was going to be across the country. Her mother kept seeing a certain look in her daughter's eyes, as though part of her was very very far away from the here and now. A part that perhaps Kathryn wasn't even aware of. Gretchen vowed to stay in close communication with Chakotay at least over the next week. They talked a little about Mark, about what Kathryn felt comfortable with him knowing, should he ask. Anything, she replied. They talked about Miral. They talked about whether Kathryn was pregnant. She didn't think so, was her answer. Not yet. They cried at having to say good bye the next morning. They even cried over the time already lost to them. It was a necessary talk, a highly emotional talk, an important talk.

With Kathryn and her mother gone for a short while, Phoebe stuck to Chakotay's side, taking every opportunity to bond with her new brother. In between group conversations, they also talked about family matters, about Kathryn and even about Miral. Phoebe elicited an unnecessary promise from him to watch out for her sister, no matter how strong a front she projected. He assured her the mask no longer fooled him, and hadn't for years. He vowed to keep in close contact with her and Gretchen, as long as he didn't violate Kathryn's confidences. He made a vague and somewhat obtuse confession that he was worried about her, but did not elaborate. Phoebe didn't question him further, just accepted it all on face value. He was again struck by how different the two sisters were. And how alike.

Lieutenant Commander Mueller stopped by right around dinner time and was greeted with cheers and applause, which he reacted to with modesty and a little embarrassment. However, he had some food and a drink or two with Chakotay and Kathryn, regaling not only them but those quickly surrounding them with tales of the back room machinations that led to the pardon. He'd spent the day finding out everything he could from whomever would talk. He'd found out plenty.

The judge, although a friend of Admiral Paris, had felt strongly at the beginning of the trial that perhaps Chakotay should serve some time, not alot, but some. However, after Tuvok's testimony, he was rethinking his position. By the end of the first day, he had serious doubts about Mr. Williams' attitude and what exactly was the truth of the situation. It was that evening he actually met with Tuvok and had a lengthy discussion with him. It was that night he started to familiarize himself with the logs and reports that Kathryn had submitted in her pardon request. It was at the end of the second day, when he snuck in to observe the baby's childbirth blessing that he decided enough was enough. He spent literally almost all night hashing it all out with the tribunal, finally swaying them to drop the prosecution.

Chakotay and Kathryn were stunned. Thunderstruck. Without consulting each other, they both suggested that perhaps they should offer thanks to the judge. Not in person, not to step over a line, but perhaps just a note. Mueller agreed.

The evening went by rapidly, and little by little people left, in high spirits, some a little more drunk than others, all happy to have had family time together. All pleased that their Kathryn looked good, and had chosen a husband wisely. Most could see that the man would be very good for her. Was already very good for her. Eventually, there was just the six of them left. They, too, were exhausted but happy. Plans were made for the next morning, for Kathryn and Chakotay to come into the city, have breakfast with their mother and sister and see them off. In this way, the good-byes that night were difficult, but not gut-wrenching.

After another trip to the transporter hub, they fell into bed, entwined their legs, wrapped arms around each other and almost immediately sank down into a deep sleep. Chakotay woke up twice from Kathryn's thrashing, each time he decided not to wake her, but merely held her tightly until she calmed and became quiet again. He drifted off soon after.

She gradually opened her eyes, seeing the pale light coming in the patio doors. She closed them again without much effort. Her ears slowly woke up as well and she strained to hear any breathing or other sleepy noises coming from the rest of the bed. Nothing. She lethargically moved her hand around to feel for him. The bed was empty. Even that little amount of movement of her arm was almost too much. The aroma of fresh coffee came to her, then got stronger and stronger, making her smile slightly.

"Kath-ryn..." The bed moved with his weight. "Come on, it's time to get up. We're due in the city in an hour..."

"...'s that coffee for me...." she thought she said, though it didn't sound quite right.

He chuckled. "If you just asked was this coffee I have in my hand for you, well, I can answer that question if you open your eyes."

"Bribery."

"Yes, it is," he replied. After waiting a moment, he got up again. "Okay, I'm leaving..."

She dragged her eyelids up. "They're open, they're open..." She watched him turn from the doorway and return to the bed. He held out the mug of coffee with a smile.

"Too many dimples..." she said as she forced herself to sit, accepting the cup gratefully.

He put his hands on his hips. "We've already been through that. You're stuck looking a them for the rest of your life so get used to it..." He extended one of his hands. "Come on, get up." He watched her looking down into the coffee cup. "Look, Kathryn, I know you don't want to say good-bye to your mom. But they're expecting us. Let's not be late..."

She sighed deeply. It wasn't that she didn't want to say good bye, on the contrary, she wanted as much time as possible with her mother, she just didn't want to get out of bed. She felt confused. She moved, rather than think about it.

Breakfast was actually quite lovely. They took Gretchen and Phoebe to a restaurant in a rebuilt hotel, near their own. The large dining room had high ceilings, floor tiles, gilded columns, an intricate fresco on the dome and large potted palms around the tables. Very much the San Francisco of 470 years previous. Unless you looked too closely at the ceiling. The artist clearly had a sense of humor, having put a few Vulcan's, a couple of Klingon's and a Ferengi or two into the idyllic scene depicted there. No wonder Tom had recommended the place.

Time passed too quickly, however. Conversations flowed easily, the food was delicious, talk of the future was of the short term variety only. A visit to Indiana would be made within the month. A wedding date would be decided soon. That was the extent to which Kathryn would engage in plan making. She found her brain would just shut down, and no decision would come forth, so she'd make a noncommittal remark and they'd move to a new topic.

And then they were all getting off the lift and walking down the hall to Gretchen and Phoebe's hotel room. Bags were picked up. They checked out. Suddenly they were standing in the transporter hub, giving Kathryn's credit information to the operator. The moment had come.

Kathryn held her mother closely, feeling the tears falling down her cheeks, silently aware of her heart breaking from the impending separation. They pulled apart. Her mother tenderly cupped Kathryn's face and stared deeply into her eyes.

"You take very good care of yourself, okay?" Gretchen felt acutely worried at that moment, for reasons she still was not quite clear on. Her daughter nodded solemnly. "I love you, Kathryn."

"I love you, too, Mom."

After another tight embrace, they all changed partners. While Phoebe and Kathryn said their good-byes, the mother of them all hugged her new son closely.

"I'll call you soon, Gretchen, I promise. I'll keep an eye on her...."

"I know you will. God has granted my every prayer so far. Thank you again, Chakotay."

He pulled back slightly to look at her. "For what?"

"For loving my daughter, for not giving up on her, for being just as stubborn as she is," she answered with a crooked smile.

"Well, I can't honestly say it was the easiest or most pleasant thing I've ever lived through, but in the end, it was well worth it. Thank you for everything you did for us. For me."

She patted his cheek with affection. "I'd do it all again in a heartbeat. You take good care of yourself, too."

"I will. I promise." He smiled fully at her.

She was suddenly struck by the memory of the first time she had seen that smile, at how much more she knew about him now. She felt a very strong urge to say something to him, and hoped he wouldn't take offense at her presumptions. "Chakotay, your parents would be very proud of you. Are very proud of you. I'm sorry they're not here." She watched his eyes fill.

"Thank you," was all he could say. They embraced again.

Within minutes Gretchen and Phoebe were standing on the pad with their luggage. A final wave and smile and the blue light took them.

Kathryn felt the stab in her heart and, uncharacteristically for her, buried her head against her lover's chest in the middle of the transporter hub and cried softly. He pulled her to the side, held her, comforted her until she was calm enough to complete their own transport home.

Once inside the house, she took off her clothes and climbed back into bed, closed her eyes and went to sleep.

Chakotay stood in the doorway and watched her fall so quickly. Quietly approaching the bed he bent and kissed her head, shushed her when she murmured and left the room. He had an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach as he walked away.

He got domestic. He straightened up the lounge area and cleaned off the dining table. He put on some gentle jazz music and pulled all of the fruit out of the cold storage and began to cut it up. If anyone had asked, he would have readily admitted he was enjoying himself immensely.

He fell into the meditative rhythm of slicing and chopping, popping stray pieces of orange and early season melon onto his tongue as the fruit salad came together. The first thing he'd do after lunch would be to set up a response system for all of the schools on their list. Then assess the second bedroom to study conversion project. He cut a lemon in half and squeezed it over the salad, catching lemon seeds as the juice poured through his fingers. A few slices of sourdough taken off the loaf, some cheese and lunch was ready. His stomach growled softly.

Kathryn refused to get up, much less wake fully. No bribe worked. He opened the door to the patio before relenting to her wishes and another feeling of uneasiness settled in him as he left the bedroom.

While eating lunch outside, reading a novel he'd found by the vidphone, he heard her calling out in her sleep. He trotted to the bed, laid down quickly and pulled her close. Again, all he could understand her saying was "No. No." His uneasiness grew.

He had just finished composing his form letter response for the schools when the vidphone beeped. It was Erin, checking in. She was surprised to hear Kathryn was asleep and had been for hours, but she reassured him somewhat, assessing, perhaps correctly, that Kathryn had been through alot and merely needed to collapse. Chakotay had the sneaking suspicion they were both just playing the justification game. He promised her Kathryn would call as soon as she got up.

But he couldn't rouse her for dinner either. She woke but complained and tried to bury herself under the pillow. He even offered to replicate some roast chicken for her. Nothing worked.

Standing in the kitchen absently eating pasta he came to a decision. This was all disturbingly familiar. He walked purposefully back to the bedroom and sat down next to her huddled form.

"Kathryn," he said, shaking her gently. He could tell she wasn't deeply asleep, if asleep at all.

"...I'm fine... not hungry..." she mumbled.

"No, I don't think you are fine." He hesitated. This could end in an unwanted argument, but he was determined. "I'm calling Deanna Troi. I'm going to get you an appointment with her as soon as possible. Hopefully tomorrow." He waited. "Did you hear me?"

She opened her eyes slowly. He was astonished at how haunted they looked. He stroked her face and clasped the hand he could reach easily.

"Did you hear me," he asked again, keeping his voice firm but gentle.

"Yes," she responded. She moved her glance away. "I don't think I need to see her..."

He braced himself. "I disagree. I think I probably know you pretty well, don't I?" He didn't wait for her answer. "In my opinion, both as the man who loves you and in my very semiprofessional capacity of ship's counselor, you do need to see Deanna. If I have to insist, I will, Kathryn. I'd rather not. Either way, I'm calling her."

She sighed deeply and he saw tears forming, then spill down the side of her face. He wiped them away. Her eyes traveled back to his again. Their gaze locked. Finally she nodded. He exhaled forcefully with relief.

"Good. Now, you need to get up. You need to eat. I'll go fix you a little fruit salad and how 'bout that chicken?" Again she nodded slowly. "You can curl up on the couch," he said, pulling her hand. He watched the reluctance pass across her features, grateful when she allowed him to get her up. He held her tightly, surprised at the intensity of her clutch.

"Good evening, Commander," Deanna Troi said, giving him a warm smile. "It's nice to finally meet you in person. I heard alot about you during Pathfinder from Reg Barclay, not to mention your EMH. Are you calling about Captain Janeway?"

Chakotay was only slightly surprised. An empath, he supposed, could read him easily at the moment. "Yes, I am. I'd like to set up an appointment for her as soon as possible. Are you available tomorrow?"

"And has she agreed to see me?"

He didn't mistake the implications inherent in the question. "One doesn't get Kathryn Janeway to do anything that she really doesn't want to do," he replied, smiling slightly. "But yes, she has agreed to see you, and yes, it wasn't her original idea. She's having what I think may be symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. I'm not a professional, however, I'm using the guidelines that Starfleet sent us while we were still in the Delta Quadrant."

"Commander, why don't you tell me what her symptoms are."

"Chakotay, call me Chakotay," he said with a deeper smile. He shared with her the most acute symptoms he'd observed. Her Borg flashback at the provisions store, the nightmares that had increased in frequency and intensity, and now the retreat she began today, the lethargy.

"I agree with your preliminary diagnosis, it seems as though your reputation as a fill-in ship's counselor was not exaggerated," she said, a definite twinkle visible in her eye. Chakotay breathed deeply. He liked her immediately. Kathryn would be in good hands. "Now, we're lucky, the Enterprise isn't due to leave for another two weeks, so I'm planetside at the moment. How about I come to see her tomorrow morning? That is, I'm assuming she'll not want to come to the city?"

"Thank you, yes, here in our home would be the best, I think," he replied, taking another deep breath of relief. He gave her directions, they set up a time and signed off. He sat for a moment, thinking about how best to support Kathryn as she started what undoubtedly would be a difficult process, praying to his ancestors to help her, and him.

The plate of food was empty, sitting on the table in front of the couch along with a half finished glass of juice. He was heartened to see it, joining her, opening his arm to her, an invitation she accepted eagerly. She put her head on his chest, pulling herself close to him with a soft sigh.

"Your appointment is tomorrow at 0930 hours. Deanna is coming here. She's on Earth for another two weeks, so she'll be able to give you a good amount of time to start." He kissed the top of her head, breathing in her scent.

Kathryn was quiet for a few minutes. "Thank you, Chakotay, for taking care of that. I..." She felt her throat close and tried to breathe past it. "I don't exactly feel like an intrepid Captain at the moment. And I don't know what I'd do without you...." She idly ran her fingers across his stomach and willed her tears to subside.

He pulled her more tightly to him so he could enfold her with both arms. He knew that wasn't an easy thing for her ever to admit. And even though she'd said it over and over in the past week more frequently than she'd ever said it on Voyager, his future, and theirs together, had been on the line then. Now, it was her turn. This was an admission of raw emotional need, not the need to have him physically and emotionally close. "You know, Kathryn, I'll always see you as one of the strongest women I have ever met. No matter what you're going through right now, I am quite positive that you'll come out on the other side. Changed, possibly, but no less you. And I promise, I'll stay right here. I'm not going anywhere. I'm still by your side."

Her response was to hold him, to run her hands around him, to kiss his chest softly. She finally voiced her gratitude with words that felt inadequate to her. How does one find words to express the overwhelming nature of their bond? The gratitude she felt, the love, the memories she held preciously in her heart. How could she ever show him? Especially now, when the world inside her was upside down, when fear and anxiety were threatening to take her. Far away. What a gift he was in her life. She made a silent vow she'd try as hard as she could to heal herself.

"Kathryn? You still with me?"

She pulled away and smiled at him. "Yes. I'm still here."

"Want to go for a walk? Maybe watch the sunset? Erin called earlier, we could stop by so she can see you're okay if you'd like."

She only hesitated a moment. "Yes, I'd like that. Thank you. Again. Always." She stroked his tattoo then pulled herself up and kissed him. A slow, sweet kiss that turned into a slow, passionate one as their need to connect blossomed quickly. He stopped it gradually with a promise for later, taking her down the hall to get dressed.

The walk was quiet and peaceful. They found the trail head for beach access just as the colors in the sky were turning spectacular oranges and pinks and golds. Spreading their blanket they sat down on the grassy cliff and watched the show, not talking much, content to let the turning of the planet give them another memory for the future.

Erin, hearing a scant version of what was going on inside Kathryn, promised her they'd go out, just the two of them, on a small excursion to the nursery for plants and things for the garden. A small trip. No pressures. Just a little fun. Kathryn agreed after a moment's reluctance. Chakotay mouthed his thanks to her over Kathryn's head.

"You know, you asked me the other night if I'd ever had fantasies about you, and me..." She was laying almost on top of him, her elbows on his chest, one hand tracing patterns on his warm skin the other holding her head up.

"On Voyager, before we became intimate..." he prompted.

"Way before, way before New Earth even," she admitted.

"How much way before?"

She grinned almost shyly. "Oh, about two months after I met you. After Kes, and the elogium. You and that incorrigibly sexy voice in my ear, those eyes meeting mine.. I mean, you know that I wanted to be by your side the moment I saw you. I just, well, didn't let myself really fantasize until, well..."

"Yes, until well into month two. You held out longer than I did, I admit," he said with a small chuckle.

"Chakotay! You were having sexual fantasies about your Captain? I'm shocked," she teased.

"I'm sure," he responded dryly. "You, on the other hand, hid it well, as we both know. A little too well. But let's get down to details, hm-m? Where and under what conditions?"

She chuckled this time. "Oh, I'm not nearly as creative as you. Mine were mostly in my bed. I'd wake up and you'd be standing in the doorway..."

"Clothed or naked?"

"Usually naked. Depended. Then you'd just say something sexy and climb into bed with me, smothering me with your kisses and making glorious love with me. Simple."

"Hm-m-m. And if I had ever done that for real, what would your reaction have been? Or shouldn't I ask? I'm imagining the brig. Sixty days likely."

"Oh, maybe two days. I'd miss having you around."

He growled as she laughed. He rolled her, smothered her with his passionate kisses and made glorious love with her until they finally fell asleep, exhausted, tightly entwined. In the early morning hours she had one nightmare, waking him again from a deep sleep, thrashing against him as he tried to calm her with his voice and his arms. She eventually returned to subconciousness but this time he didn't. For quite awhile he held her, a jumble of memories assaulting him. The one most personally horrifying kept repeating over and over - Kathryn walking off the bridge, her eyes locked onto his, leaving Voyager to willingly be assimilated. She had been inside his head each and every minute after that, asleep or awake, she was always there.

"I love you Kathryn..." he murmured in her ear. She snuggled closer to him. He finally felt himself drifting off and let it happen.

"So," Deanna continued, "from what I understand you've had one flashback while awake, then nightmares of varying degrees of intensity and now you're feeling depressed, lethargic, is that correct?"

Kathryn hesitated, then chose to let that stand until after he left. "Yes, that's right. And the reason I asked Chakotay to be here at the beginning is that we have something we need to explain to you. Something important, about the nightmares. Can we assume that everything we tell you is held in confidence? No matter what Starfleet asks?"

Deanna regarded the two people sitting across from her. "Yes, it's all held in confidence." She watched them silently communicating with each other, their hands holding tightly. When she met them, coming into their home, the first thing that came into her mind was Imzadi. They were as close to Imzadi as two non-Betazoid's could be. And now, she felt the bond, she felt the fear from Kathryn, a lesser level of fear from Chakotay and a decision being reassessed. He wanted her to speak. She wanted him to. She won. He spoke.

He told her about the Bajoran's mind games that were played with the people on Voyager, about the Maquis pseudo-mutiny, about his role and, as difficult as it was for him to say it aloud, his order to Tuvok to kill her. He explained that the phaser was disabled, but had to speak of how it had affected her. And him. How the nightmares had started about it for Kathryn. It was, for him, one of the most difficult things he had ever done, to tell someone else how he had hurt her, how he was still hurting her, in a sense. Kathryn then explained how they had deleted this from the logs, to keep Chakotay out of trouble with the Federation.

Deanna was a little surprised by the story. Everything she had heard and read about Kathryn Janeway had given her a sense of the woman as rigidly Starfleet, all the way. That she had deleted log entries and conspired with her command team was something to digest.

"And the nightmares about this incident began during the trial?"

Kathryn nodded.

"I certainly understand how the thrust of the prosecution would have brought all of this up for you. And I suspect there is more to it than merely Chakotay's situation. We'll talk about it in greater depth I'm sure."

Chakotay began to get up but Kathryn pulled at his hand. He turned on the couch and studied her. "I need to go, Kathryn. It's time."

Deanna could feel the need radiating off the woman in front of her. A need that receded as it was met with the love coming from the man. She wondered, if she hadn't been an empath would she be able to tell they did so much talking without saying a word? He reassured her, she took it in. He patted her hand and rose from the couch, turning to Deanna.

"I'll be back before you leave. If it's all right with Kathryn, would you be willing to fill me in on how things progressed? On what the plans will be?"

"Of course, if it's all right with Kathryn." Deanna got a distinct feeling of agreement from the woman still sitting on the couch.

"Thank you," he replied.

Kathryn said good bye to him with some trepidation. She watched him go to the kitchen counter, pick up his medicine bundle, the beach blanket and a water bag that he slung over his shoulder. She hadn't seen that bag since New Earth. Her throat closed as he walked out the door. This was the first time they'd be apart since he left her in the witness room. Her heart started to beat erratically.

"Kathryn," Deanna said clearly and a bit loudly, hoping to refocus her attention. Her patient turned to her. "It's okay to be afraid. You haven't been separated for a few days, have you?"

"No. Not since the first day of the trial. I ... I'll be fine. I'm fine. He's going to the beach, to take a vision quest. He needs it."

"Then I'm glad he's going to have one. Now, let's talk about what you need. I'd like to start by talking about the flashback you had. It was about the Borg, isn't that right? I understand you voluntarily got assimilated?"

Kathryn hesitated. "There was another flashback. Chakotay doesn't know about it," she confessed.

"Okay. First, why didn't you tell him?"

"I didn't want to worry him. It happened on Saturday, after the broadcast interview. He was having a very difficult time, talking about himself to so many people, he was upset, and angry. I .... I had a flashback, as you two call them, with my mother and sister in the kitchen with me. Of a time when he left the ship to do something dangerous, risky, he was the only one who could do it, but I didn't want him to go. I had to agree, as the Captain, but I was so afraid he wouldn't come back alive..."

"And did you lose the ability to distinguish where you were?"

"Yes. My mother brought me back."

"So you didn't tell Chakotay about this at the time, why haven't you told him since?"

"I don't know."

Deanna sighed internally. She had her work cut out for her, as did her patient.

They started out gradually, talking in general terms about the double edged sword of control. How necessary it is for survival, particularly given Kathryn's situation, the position she had been almost thrust into. How insidious it can actually turn out to be, how seductive it is, how it can ultimately be destructive, too. Kathryn understood this intellectually, but found herself feeling quite frustrated at times. No one understood what she'd gone through, she thought. Her responsibilities. If she hadn't maintained control, they wouldn't have made it.

"I do understand that, Kathryn," Deanna tried to reassure her. "That's exactly my point. When you feel in control, then you have absolute power over a given situation. Or so you think at the time. You need to have that feeling to survive, to keep going. But the actual fallacy is that nobody is in total control. It's impossible."

Kathryn wasn't ready to believe that.

"Okay, let me ask you a question. You, as the Captain, made the final decisions, right?"

Kathryn nodded.

"So you were in control of the situation. But how many times did something unexpected happen? And if you hadn't had a crew of people, all of whom felt in control of their own actions, doing what they had been trained to do, using their faculties to assess a situation and react to it, you wouldn't have survived the unexpected turn of events, would you?"

"No, we wouldn't have," she allowed.

"That's the seductive nature of control. Most of us believe we have it, when we want it, sometimes when we don't," Deanna continued. She made an instant decision to jump into harder territory. "And now, you're back home. No longer responsible for anyone but yourself. The man you love was about to be taken away from you and you could do nothing to stop it. Just like every time you had to send him on a mission, or every time one of your crew died, or fell in love, or wanted to get married, have children, be with their families again. Your own future was hanging in the balance and there wasn't much you could do about it. Do you see how finally, you've had to face up to the fact that you can't control it all? How, finally, every instance of fear and anxiety that you largely suppressed is coming back to stare at you in the face?"

Such a huge part of Kathryn was rebelling against what she was hearing. But the other part was almost giving in, letting her guard down, nearly admitting it was true. She felt the tears come, unbidden.

"I think a daily session is the best thing, Kathryn. I really do," Deanna gently insisted.

Kathryn was wishing that Chakotay would walk through the door at that moment.

"He'll be here soon, likely any minute now." The counselor was smiling.

Kathryn chuckled. "You're too good at that, you know."

"So I've been told."

"We could have used someone like you, Gods, we could have used it. Chakotay was wonderful, don't get me wrong, but it was so complicated between him and me..."

"Love always is, isn't it? Now, about the daily appointments, Kathryn."

"Okay, yes, I agree. I do want to heal myself as soon as I can..."

Deanna reached out and touched her arm. "You will be healed when it happens. We'll work as hard as you can stand it, but ultimately, it's just another lesson in how little power both of us have."

Chakotay and Deanna were talking. Kathryn had excused herself to the patio, not wanting to hear them talk about her, but more than willing that it happen. She sat down to wait, letting her mind wander back and forth between what she'd been told and what color flowers she wanted in the garden.

"You were absolutely correct, Chakotay, it is PTSD. There are some underlying issues as well, but I believe I can help her. She is determined. That's a good thing. I'm going to see her daily for now. But, she's going to need quiet, don't push her too hard to go out. She may even want to continue to retreat. Just don't let her bury herself in bed."

Chakotay tugged on his ear, deciding whether to tell her. He believed it was important, and his vision quest had shown him to be on target. "I think you need to know one other factor here. Aside from us getting engaged, and the trial, we've made the decision to have children. She may already be pregnant. It's too soon to tell."

Deanna studied him. "Thank you for telling me. A decision like that could certainly add another dimension for Kathryn. To her already crumbling idea that she has control over everything."

Chakotay chuckled. "Yes. That about sums it up in a nutshell."

"I'll be seeing her tomorrow, same time," she said, holding out her hand.

He took it, shaking it gently. "Thank you.  I ...." he faltered.

"I know. Imzadi," she said softly with a smile, then turned and walked away. Chakotay watched her go, dumbfounded. That they were the equivalent of Imzadi had not really occurred to him. He felt a smile break across his face.

"Let's stop for some coffee first, Kath, okay? I know of a new coffee shop that opened a few weeks ago, I'm dying to try it." Erin looked at her cousin, who was staring out the window of the hovercar. "Come on, whadya say?" She only gently prodded. Chakotay had told her to take things easy, to not push too hard. She was happy, however, that Kathryn had wanted to go shopping after her first counseling session. She had to reassure Chakotay repeatedly that she'd bring his love home at the first sign of any severe problem.

"Okay, let's," Kathryn finally replied.

They sat at a table, the room bright with diffused light and colorful paintings on the walls. Kathryn opened up after a few sips, grateful for her cousin's time, for time in general to talk and just be with each other. It had been way too many years. She talked about the session, about Deanna's theory that the real issue was her need to feel in control. She watched Erin try and keep a straight face then gave her a loving version of the death glare. Erin asked her some questions about the Borg and the assimilation, clearly not believing her cousin's claim that she had dealt with it easily.

Kathryn found herself wanting to talk about the 'mutiny', about the ready room incident. She waited until she received a vow from Erin that Chakotay would not be blamed in any way, or thought less of, or disliked or even disrespected. She told her everything, tears beginning to fall as the talk went on. When she was done, Erin had but one question.

"Why do you think he manipulated the phaser? Why do you think he didn't just kill you? That's what he was programmed to do, likely," Erin said gently.

"I don't know. I didn't want to think about it then, and now, all I can feel is the fear. All I can see is the look in his eyes. The emptiness...."

Erin hesitated, completely out of her league, she knew, but having a nagging suspicion that needed to be voiced anyway. "Kathryn, don't you think it's because he loved you? That some part of him knew that he could never kill you?"

"He promised me that no one would be hurt.... then he hurt me...."

"I'm sorry," was all Erin could think to say. She dropped the subject. Her heart ached for the both of them. Chakotay must have wanted to kill himself, she thought.

Kathryn picked up any pack of flowers that appealed to her. Their cart was getting more and more full of bright colors. Erin gave her some advice as to which ones would do well in shade, which in sun, which needed more water than others. They talked about the patio, how pretty it would look with pots of flowers. They came across vegetables and herbs. Kathryn knew she had to get something for Chakotay and asked Erin again for help.

"Chives are easy, he'd probably like those. Every cook does. And let's see, some basil," Erin grabbed plants as she talked. "Parsley's easy to grow here, an oregano plant, and here's a chocolate mint plant. All of these you can grow in pots."

Kathryn saw the perfect thing. She took two of them. "Tomato plants, Erin, I have to get these, he'll be so pleased..." This time warm memories came to her.

"Tomato plants?"

"Yes. Tomato plants." Kathryn began to talk about Talaxian tomatoes, feeling her eyes fill for some reason. Erin had to admit, she was enjoying getting the bigger picture of these two people who were thrown together so far away from home, even the bad parts filled in gaps of understanding for her. She encouraged her cousin to talk as they continued through the nursery.

They found the pots. Every kind of pot. Kathryn wanted them all. She tried to narrow her choices, and Erin helped determine the sizes. Then she saw her second perfect thing. Rough cast pots, with geometric symbols fired into the surface. She turned one over. It was made in Nicaragua. Her heart jumped in her chest. Two good sized ones, she thought, on either side of the front door, with marigolds. The sun, planted in pots that would identify the house as his, as theirs. Even though this wasn't his tribe, it was close enough. She trotted to the front of the store for another cart.

On the way back to Erin, she stumbled upon the rose aisle. Her heart skidded to a stop. Slowly she walked the aisle until she found it. A soft yellow rose with a tinge of pink around the petals. She looked at the tag. And jumped when a hand touched her shoulder.

"I'm sorry, Kathryn," Erin said with a sheepish grin. "Why are you crying?"

"Can I get this, Erin? Can I grow this in a pot? So that I can take it with me if we have to move?"

"Yes, of course you can. It has to be a big pot, so the roots have room to grow, and you'll have to learn how to care for roses, they're not as easy as other things, but yes, of course. Why?"

Kathryn wiped her face brusquely. "I cheated death, today, Chakotay. Let's celebrate..." "I need this rose. It's a symbol. He gave me one, a long time ago. At the end of a day that was horrible, a day where I watched him grieve over my dead body, yet a day I cheated death, a day that ended with the most incredible evening that we had, for years...." She found, this time, she didn't want to say any more.

Erin saw Kathryn go very far away, but it appeared to be a good flashback. She asked no questions, but merely hefted the Peace rose into the cart before continuing their walk through the aisles. They picked up another Nicaraguan pot, a big one, for the rose. Bags of potting soil, and fertilizer, and then tools, and a new watering device, some gloves, and books. They managed to get it all in the hovercar, amidst alot of ribbing and laughing.

Chakotay helped them unpack the car, marveling over everything. He knew Kathryn would never do anything half way and sure enough this gardening project was the same. He was more certain than ever this would be good for her. Then she showed him all of his 'presents', and his throat closed at each one. The pots were more than beautiful to him. He watched her face light up describing the front door, with the two suns welcoming their friends. He loved the herbs. Kathryn began to cry handing him the tomato plants. They both had trouble keeping their composure when Erin pulled out the rose.

Over the next few days activity in the house was of the quiet kind. Every morning Deanna came by to work with Kathryn while Chakotay either went for a walk or stayed in the bedroom, reading. They were making some progress in a general sense, Kathryn willing to accede that what had served her well on Voyager was not serving her well now. But she would not quite accept that she needed to let out all of the emotions she'd been so carefully bottling up. Near the end of the third session, she finally admitted the prospect of releasing her feelings about certain instances scared her. Deanna was thrilled. A strong step in the right direction. She asked her patient if she'd be willing to discuss the Maquis uprising and the ready room incident with Chakotay present. If she'd be willing to hear what he had to say about it as well. Kathryn balked initially, but eventually gave in, knowing that it was necessary, that she trusted Chakotay without reservation and that Deanna would keep her from falling into the pit.

After the end of each session, Kathryn would return to her gardening project. She had almost planted everything she bought, quietly working, Chakotay coming out occasionally to talk and check in with her. She found sifting through dirt for only the second time in her adult life to be a calming experience and took her time with it all. She read about soil amendments and fertilizers, pruning and seasonal plantings. It was really all she wanted to think about and plan in the very short term. She tried not to feel guilty about leaving the school project solely to Chakotay. Hearing his reassurances, she tried to take them in. She did her best to concentrate on herself, their home, and their relationship. It was all she felt she could do.

Chakotay worked on the letters to the schools, one to the judge, and getting his study finished. He did manage to convince Kathryn to come with him to the city to pick out furniture as Mr. Forchet had finished removing everything from the second bedroom. He needed a quiet work space as soon as possible. His IAA meeting was in three days and he still had some preliminary writing to finish. The trip to the city was uneventful and even fun. Kathryn was mostly relaxed unless they got themselves into a crowded situation, then he could feel her tension rise. He removed her as quickly as possible. They had lunch downtown and stopped at a bookstore before returning home for the transport of the furniture. They both found some novels and she a few poetry books, and even some old books containing essays on scientific exploration written hundreds of years previous. An antique gardening book completed the pile. Chakotay's heart swelled to see her so happy and peaceful.

They spoke with Gretchen and Phoebe on a daily basis. Kathryn told them about the counseling the day she went to the nursery with Erin. Her mother elicited a promise that Kathryn would call her any time, day or night, if she needed to talk, to get some reassurance. An invitation to come home earlier than originally planned was left on the table, permanently. No notice was necessary. Kathryn held it to her heart, always.

They took as much time as they wanted to be together. Those first three evenings were spent making love, whenever and wherever they wished. Slow, languid, intense love. Kathryn had been afraid she'd lose the desire to be intimate, but found herself on the other side of the scale. Delving into her emotional turmoil made her want Chakotay all the more, made her want to give him as much pleasure as she could, to take as much as he'd give her, to connect as much as humanly possible. He had been right all along. Their love was the thing that was the most real, most tangible and the most important. It could heal anything. They were both absolutely certain of it.

Bill offered to host a small get together, to have Tom, B'Elanna, Harry and Miral join the four of them for dinner, his treat. He would make all the arrangements, Chakotay and Kathryn just needed to show up. They agreed, on the condition they'd bring the wine. A date was set. It would be the evening of Kathryn's fourth counseling session. The session where they would both dissect 'the ready room incident'.

"Kathryn," Deanna gently prodded, "do you want to stop?"

Kathryn blew her nose, took a deep breath and shook her head. "No, I'll be fine." She cleared her throat and wiped her face with the back of her hand.

Chakotay watched her, his heart hammering with a dull thud. Mimicking the dull feeling of pain in the pit of his stomach.

"The worst thing, well maybe not entirely the worst, was the look in your eyes. They were blank. You'd say my name, and it would almost sound like you were saying it, but then I'd look at your face and you weren't there. You'd crossed the boundary, dropping my title whenever you'd speak to me, saying my name almost intimately, and you'd look at me with such cold eyes..." She took another deep breath.

"Chakotay, do you have anything to say about that?" Deanna could feel the guilt coming off him in waves.

He shook his head. What could he add, but another apology to the already long list of them.

"All right, let's get to the really hard part. Just remember, you love each other, you'll listen to each other and you'll speak only directly to one another. Kathryn, what was your experience when you were brought into the ready room?"

Oh, God, she thought. Could she do this. She steeled herself. "I was pulled into the room by the arm, and I remember still feeling so angry, and humiliated that a member of my crew was manhandling me. I was biting the inside of my cheek to keep from screaming." She raised her eyes to meet Chakotay's. Her throat closed. She breathed. "And then I saw you, and Tuvok. You had a smile on your face. Not a nice smile. I remember thinking how odd it was that your dimples still showed. I think I pleaded with you, I thought you told me you weren't going to hurt anyone and I knew what was going to happen. I also remember thinking in a flash of clarity, as you handed Tuvok the phaser, that I thought you loved me but that I must have been wrong. And I was terrified and I hated myself for that..." she faltered, unable to continue.

Chakotay handed her another tissue. At that moment, he wished someone would hand him another phaser, to point into his chest. He knew it was his turn to say something, but again, what could he say? What was he feeling, in the ready room? He had no clear idea. Now? He took a deep breath. "I don't know what to say, Kathryn. I... I don't remember if I felt anything at the time. I remember telling you that no one would get hurt, and that I meant it. I had no intention of hurting you. I felt some conflict about that. Looking back, talking with Tuvok about it, I decided that I must have been going against what Tiro wanted. But I can't be certain of that. I'm sorry..." Watching her cry, he wanted to kill the Bajoran bastard.

"But you did, you did hurt me, more than if the phaser had worked..." She heard her voice rising and felt powerless to stop it.

"It wasn't me, Kathryn."

"It was you, it was you, staring at me with nothing behind your eyes, nothing, no feelings for me, I was just an obstacle, something to use to prove Tuvok's loyalty..."

"It wasn't ME. I thought you believed that.... but that's why you wouldn't look at me for days, wouldn't speak to me, wasn't it? You, somewhere deep inside, believed that I would do that to you, didn't you?" His heart was hammering loudly now. He thought they really had come to closure about this part, at least. "Why the hell then did you ever get involved with me?!"

"Well you didn't talk to me, either! You ignored me, too!"

Deanna jumped in. The anger and hurt feelings were overwhelming them both. "Both of you, I want you to stop a moment. Take a breath." She waited until they did. "All right. Now, Kathryn, I want you to answer him clearly, from your heart. Did you at the time think that he would honestly want to kill you, or even hurt you? At the time."

Kathryn was staring at her hands, shredding the tissue they held. "No. Some part of me knew that. But I was .... so angry. I felt betrayed..."

"Betrayed on a personal level? By this man? Or on a professional level, by a first officer that you trusted?"

"Personal." She felt ashamed to admit that.

Chakotay breathed a sigh of relief, for reasons he wasn't sure of.

"And at that point, you were not involved in a personal, or intimate, way were you?"

"Well, that's a little complicated, but no, we weren't."

Deanna continued. "And I sense that your reaction to him on a personal level is something that you are angry at yourself about, isn't it?"

"Yes, damn it."

"And so, when he caused you to feel fear, betrayed you, hurt your feelings for him, for what you believed were the feelings he held for you, this went far beyond what you were supposed to feel. According to you. You were angry at him, even though he, Chakotay, didn't do anything to you. You were angry at him because, in your mind, he, Chakotay, hurt your feelings. Does that make any sense?"

"So what you're saying is that I shouldn't have felt any anger?" she said, beginning to feel that way again.

"No, not at all. What I'm saying is that the anger was actually covering up for the hurt you felt. Hurt on a personal level. Hurt because you loved this man and you believed he loved you, too. This kind of hurt can be healed. Both of you need to heal it. Chakotay, you're still feeling very guilty about all of this, aren't you?"

"Yes," he said reluctantly.

"And you feel hurt that Kathryn reacted to the situation personally? That she was angry?"

"Well, yes, I did feel hurt. I tried to apologize... when we let her out of the brig.... but she just brushed me off. I felt terrible." He couldn't look at her.

"Why don't you tell her that," Deanna prompted. She watched the two of them, felt their almost primal need to find some ground where all of this would just go away, felt Kathryn's pain when she heard him say he was hurt, too. Come on, you two, I know you love each other...

"Kathryn," he said, turning to face her. "I felt, I felt very hurt when you pushed me so harshly away after that whole damned thing. I loved you. I knew I wasn't responsible but I felt, and still do feel, horribly guilty for what I did to you."

She began to cry looking into his eyes. "I'm sorry, Chakotay, I'm so sorry..." She watched tears fall down his cheeks and something very deep shifted inside her. She reached up and wiped his face. "Please, don't feel guilty any more," she said softly. "There's nothing for you to feel guilty about." She took his hands in hers, rubbing the silver on his wrist, studying it, finally meeting his eyes again. "Can you forgive me?" She waited, her heart thudding wildly. She had supreme clarity about what she had done, how she had kept them stuck in Tiro's mind game.

"Of course, yes I forgive you, Kathryn," he answered, sincerely, putting every ounce of love he felt behind the words. He opened his arms, she fell into them eagerly. They embraced as tightly as they could sitting on the couch. Tears fell freely.

Deanna took a very deep, silent breath and closed her eyes.

After lunch, Kathryn went outside to assess her gardening project, watering the planted pots carefully and those plants still needing to be put in the ground. She kept looking at the house behind her as she worked, wondering if his paper was going well, if he needed something to drink, if he was able to concentrate, if he was nervous about the meeting. She put the watering wand down and went inside.

She deliberately did not meet his eyes as she dragged first one of the chairs from the vidphone, then the second one into his new study. She arranged them facing each other, testing the angle until it was just right. This was a good spot, under the window, in the corner so as not to block his movement, she thought. After getting her book and something to drink, looking to see that his iced tea glass was still mostly full she settled down, putting her feet up on the chair facing her.

"Cute, Kathryn, looks quite cozy. What are you doing? Besides reading your book that is," he said, slightly amused.

She put down the book and met his eyes. "Well, I was thinking that being outside with you in here was, well, being too far away from you." She gauged his reaction. He wasn't giving much of one. "I won't bother you, I promise. I just wanted to be .... close. We've worked in the same room together before. I know, pretend we're in ... the ready room. Reviewing reports...." She winced internally, praying he would take it in the correct spirit...

Chakotay watched her, appearing almost shy, a mood in which he didn't often see Kathryn Janeway. The ready room. He felt a laugh bubble up and gradually gave it a voice. She was amazing. Nothing ever half way with her. Her face lit up at his laughter. "You know, honey, I'll never get any work done if I imagine we're in the ready room," he said, rising from his chair, moving around the desk, dropping to his knees next to her chair. He grabbed the chair arms and turned her until she was facing him, her feet falling off the other one.

They grinned at each other, their eyes dropping down to study the mouth in front of their faces. They licked their lips just before they came together, like magnets, melting together, book and preliminary paper forgotten.

"Well, we're going to have to get a hovercar to do it," Chakotay said to the group in general. Deanna had recommended they take a vacation, just the two of them, to get away and regroup, to give Kathryn some time to process things she'd been going through in counseling. They planned to leave as soon as he finished his IAA meeting the day after next.

"Who's gonna be the driver?" Tom asked with a sly grin.

Harry poked him in the side, laughing. "Tom, don't go there..."

"No, really, Chakotay, I'm wondering," Tom continued.

"I will do some of the driving, Kathryn will do some. Equals." Chakotay tried a little glare for effect.

"Don't worry, everyone, he won't crash any," Kathryn said with a grin, "You see, I came up with this theory last year. He only had trouble with shuttles because the Federation would have to pay for them, it was sort of his way of getting back at them, you see..."

Bill's eyes were wide. "Are you saying that Chakotay crashed shuttles?"

Tom guffawed, joined first by B'Elanna, then Harry and finally Kathryn had to laugh. Chakotay glared at them all. B'Elanna relented the soonest.

"No, Bill, he didn't crash shuttles, he annihilated them, numerous times. How many was it, Chakotay, ten? Eleven? I lost count."

"I'm not answering that. Now that you folks have had your fun, can we get back to the important part of this topic? Anyone have a recommendation for us?" Chakotay put on his sternest Commander countenance, arms across the chest, eyes traveling around the table.

Tom gave in. "Well, I'm sure Bill and Erin know more than I do, but Dad was telling us about the new Venus Ten. It's supposed to have a KPH acceleration ratio of 200. Good shock absorbers, too, just in case, you know, you happen to bump into anything immovable." The straight face with which Tom delivered this was almost classic, Kathryn thought to herself, trying not to give in to the mirth again.

"Thank you for sharing that, Tom," she jumped in, before Chakotay could throw something in the pilot's direction. "How many seats does it have?"

"It's a two seater," he answered.

"Isn't that enough, Captain?" Harry asked, confused.

Erin met her cousin's eye and winked. "I think, Harry," she answered for her, "they may need to think about a family car sooner than they'd be ready to trade this one in. If you understand what I mean." Harry's eyes got wide as a slow grin spread across his face.

"Well," B'Elanna said, "I won't let you get anything until I've looked it over. I may not know alot about hovercar technology, yet, but I've been reading up, and I'm gonna put my foot down on this one, you two. I will make sure it is safe and worth your credits, got it?"

"And I promise to be good, and help you test drive it, okay?" Tom asked with a warm smile.

"It seems as though the two most important tasks are taken, but my two cents is that there's another hovercar I just heard about, you're not going to believe it's name," Harry spoke up, not wanting to let his superior officers down. All eyes turned to him, waiting. "It's called PathfinderI -- true, they named it after us. It's a small four seater, with cargo room."

B'Elanna squealed, causing Miral to wake slightly.

"You're kidding, Harry, right?" Chakotay asked. Kathryn just grinned.

"No, I'm not, it just came out last week, my friend Richard told me, he's a hovercar nut, wants to be a racer. Not that this one has anything to do with racing, trust me...."

"Well," Kathryn said decisively, "we have to at least look at it." Chakotay turned to her and their eyes locked for a moment. "Besides, Chakotay, it's likely fate, don't you think?" His smile completely melted her heart.

The coast was beautiful as they drove up, heading for the lodge where Bill and Erin had stayed. It had taken a day longer to prepare for the trip, with getting the hovercar and Chakotay catching up on sleep lost while traveling to his IAA meeting in Norway. They had, indeed, acquired a Pathfinder I hovercar, and for a nominal amount of credits. The minute they walked into the showroom, the manager had been summoned and he insisted on arranging things with the manufacturer for a vastly reduced charge. The cars had been selling briskly, mainly on the coattail publicity of the trial. Tom muttered to them that they should have gotten one for free, B'Elanna, her head in the engine, agreed. Miral, on her godfather's shoulder, gurgled an affirmative as well. However, Chakotay and Kathryn were just pleased to find something that was perfect for them. They were adamant that their acquisition of the vehicle would not be used in any further advertising.

It was a very comfortable hovercar, having ample room to carry luggage and other sundries. The redwoods had long given way to a rocky coastline with fields of orange poppies on their left and pine forests on their right. Kathryn was watching the whitecaps, thinking about some things Deanna had said the day before. About trust. Kathryn's seemingly eternal lesson.

Chakotay had something to talk to her about and wanted to do it before they reached their destination. He saw an overlook ahead and slowed down to land. "Let's take a little break, look at the ocean, there's something I want to tell you," he said in response to her look of surprise.

Kathryn's heart began a little dance in her chest. He sounded serious.

He set the car down gently. They got out. He asked her to join him as he leaned against the side of the car, looking out on the ocean below. She did, her back against the car, her shoulder to his. She waited.

"I ran into an old friend in Oslo, a woman I knew at the Academy. It was a shock, I thought she had been killed with the Maquis, when we got that message years ago. I never pictured her in prison, for some reason. She had gone under-underground, staying with some distant relatives in Norway. She came to see me, to surprise me. She succeeded," he said with a chuckle.

Kathryn's heart sank. She asked him anyway. "You were in love with her, weren't you? You were lovers..."

He picked up her hand and rubbed the back of it with his thumb. "Yes, I was. Her name is Sveta, she was from Russia, she's the one who got me into the Maquis, who introduced me to Seska. It was so long ago, Kathryn, I was so young, she ... she changed my life. But that was then, this is now, as they say." He pulled her hand to his mouth and kissed it. "We had a nice visit, if short. It was very strange to see her after all this time..."

"Why didn't you tell me this at home?"

"Well, I knew you'd been feeling particularly vulnerable with everything you've been going through..."

She interrupted him. "I can handle hearing about an old flame, Chakotay," she said, her hurt and anger showing a bit.

"Yes, I know you can. I guess I was afraid to tell you, especially at home, I wanted it to be on neutral territory, so that if you had some trouble hearing it, our home would still feel like a sanctuary to you. I'm sorry, it was stupid of me."

Her anger dissipated instantly. "No, it wasn't." She hesitated. "I guess I am feeling a bit jealous. Let me guess, is she blond?" The tease in her voice wasn't missed.

"Well, yes, she is. But you know, I only go for redheads now, redheads with freckles and heavenly blue-grey eyes..."

"Is she beautiful?"

He distinctly heard her vulnerability in that one. "She still looks, hm-m-m, ethereal. She is no longer beautiful to me. You are."

The statement was said with such simple clarity and sincerity, it took her breath away. She closed her eyes. When they opened, the ocean was a bit blurry. She wiped her cheeks dry.

"Sveta was very happy for me, for us, I think she was surprised to see how much I'd changed. I was no longer contrary, she said," he said with another chuckle. "Talking to her I realized again, Kathryn, how much you've given me, how much we have given me, you know what I mean? I feel so grateful. So blessed."

She turned and wrapped her arms around his neck, burying her face in him. He held her tightly, gently, as only he could. "Yes, I know what you mean," she answered.

The lodge was as wonderful as they'd been told. They'd picked an individual 'cabin' to stay in rather than the lodge proper, to have some further privacy. Meals would be taken in the dining hall and they were assured the chef was well versed in vegetarian cuisine. Their cabin was not of the rustic variety at all, actually more like a very small cottage, very modern but furnished in antique furniture.

There was one large room, with a sitting area and fireplace, a good sized bathroom with tub and shower, a small cold storage unit, and best of all, glass doors that opened out onto a small patio with another tub on it. Erin had not let that little secret out. Kathryn instantly went to it, studying the sign.

"It says, no bubbles or soap. It just has hot water. That'll still be fine, don't you think?" She called to Chakotay, who was looking at their view.

"It will be wonderful, Kath. Big enough for two, easily," he said with a wink.

The patio was completely private, well almost completely private. Fences lined the sides, but directly ahead was nothing but a small field of flowers and grasses, leading to the cliffs and beyond that the ocean. All of the cabins were arranged like that, facing directly out, privacy guaranteed by their locations. It was spectacular. The weather had been cooperating, the fog bank being kept out to sea a few miles. This was supposed to continue for another week at least. They had lucked out.

The sun just finished setting, they came back into their room and began the preparations. Pulling the chairs away from the small, low table in front of the fireplace, they each brought forth their medicine bundles. Chakotay had set another fire and was now lighting it. Kathryn gathered the candles which had been left in the bathroom and placed them on the table with the bundles. She lit them with an already burning stick. They sat on the floor next to each other, facing the fire. Chakotay leaned over and kissed her warmly on the mouth.

"Are you ready," he asked her, opening his bundle, moving the Akoonah to where they both could reach it.

She looked intently into his eyes, after opening her own. "Are you certain this is okay? Doing this together? Meeting each other's animal guides? Can't I just tell you what mine is?"

"Kathryn, I'm certain. This is another ritual in the process of marriage. It's a binding ritual. Our animal guides need to come forth and meet each other and us. I'm not going to lie to you, this will be intense. It seems as though you're ready, but if you need to, you just take another quest by yourself when this is over. To speak to your guide. Alone."

"Okay. I'm ready then."

They smiled at each other, then put their hands on the Akoonah, together.

They were holding hands, walking down the soft slope of a sand dune, the sun shining giving a slightly orange glow to the sky.

"I know this place," Kathryn whispered to him. "It's where I first met my animal guide. The beach where my parent's took us, in Virginia."

"It's beautiful, Kathryn," he replied.

A small green lizard climbed upon a log and spoke, drawing their attention downward. "It's been a long while since we last met, Kathryn. This is he?"

"Yes, this is Chakotay."

"I can see why you believed. Yes, he is, indeed, worthy. Chakotay, of spirits, you have brought her to me. Why?"

"I showed her the way out of love. I love her."

The lizard regarded him, his head cocking from side to side as his large eyes blinked. "We must travel now. Come." He scurried down from the log and ran through the beach grasses, heading away from the water. Hands still tightly clasped, they followed. Looking ahead, they were approaching a wooded grove. The lizard stopped abruptly. "We wait," he said.

The sky gradually changed to an azure blue color and the sun appeared brighter. A breeze rustled the grass and the few wildflowers whose stalks stood high. Kathryn looked up at Chakotay, who smiled in return.

"She sometimes makes me wait," he answered.

Just then there was noise from the underbrush in the woods. Kathryn gasped as a large, gray wolf trotted out to meet them, stopping suddenly at the sight before her. She looked at Kathryn, then down to the lizard.

"Dreamer," wolf said to the lizard.

"Teacher," lizard replied.

The wolf stretched out her foreleg with her paw on the ground, toward the lizard's bouncing form. The green reptile ran up the wolf's body and perched on her head. Both contemplated the humans before them.

"So, Chakotay, this is she?" the wolf asked. "The one you've spoken of?"

"Yes, this is Kathryn," he answered.

"She is worthy, is she not, wolf?" the lizard said.

"You know, then, too, lizard? Even for a dreamer, you have your feet firmly planted," the wolf replied.

"Know what," Kathryn interrupted.

The wolf looked directly at Chakotay. "Chakotay, she is a questioner?"

Chakotay squeezed Kathryn's hand. "Yes, she is. She is curious, and seeks answers."

"Yes, a questioner. You have brought her here to bind. She is, indeed, worthy," the wolf said to her human.

The lizard bounced up and down again. "Wolf, she has asked. You must share, teacher..."

"Kathryn, lizard and I have met before. Many times ago. We wondered. Now we know. You have come with Chakotay, of spirits, why?"

"I love him. I want to marry him."

"You let him show you the way, before. Why?"

"I trusted him. He promised me my animal guide would help me in times of need."

"And yet you didn't turn to lizard in those times. Why?"

"I was mistaken. I thought I didn't need him. I did."

"So you who thought your feet were firmly planted as lizard's had your head in the clouds as lizard's."

Kathryn was confused. "I was mistaken," she repeated.

"You must never mistake the power of two, Kathryn," the wolf responded.

"The power of two, Kathryn," the lizard chimed in.

"I won't. I understand. Chakotay and I. Lizard and I."

Chakotay added, "Wolf and I. Wolf and lizard."

"The power of two comes in many forms," the lizard said.

"Many forms," the wolf chimed in. "Lizard, are you pleased with this match?"

"Well pleased, wolf. Chakotay, you will care for Kathryn as you have?"

"Yes," Chakotay answered sincerely.

"Kathryn," the wolf asked, "You will care for Chakotay as you have?"

"Yes," Kathryn answered equally sincerely.

Wolf and Lizard chanted together, "The binding is set. The spirits will watch over you. We will be here. Always." The lizard then ran down the wolf's foreleg, stopping at the bottom to turn and look into the wolf's eyes.

"Teacher," lizard said.

"Dreamer," wolf replied.

The wolf turned and trotted back into the forest, while the lizard scampered off to the beach. Kathryn looked at Chakotay, looking down at her. "It's time," he said.

"Okay," she answered. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

As they slowly focused on the room, the fire burning in front of them, and then each other, they each noticed the change. With everything they had been through, with every step they had taken toward each other, and every step away eventually reversed, they felt closer right then than they ever had before.

Kathryn felt an overpowering sense of rightness, as though all of the pain, and fear, she'd been dredging up, expressing and trying to deal with - all of what she'd done was completely right. All of what she'd experienced, good and horrible, was just exactly as it should have been. She couldn't have changed a thing. For then it might not have brought her to this place, this time, with this man and this future ahead of her. He'd told her this all along. But now she had some questions, and knowing that he wasn't quite ready to hear them, she waited.

Chakotay was lost in himself still. Lizard. He laughed silently, he should have guessed. The binding had been powerful inside him. He had felt all of his ancestors there, had heard all of their voices in the voice of wolf, had seen all of their faces in her eyes. More than he ever had before. And he knew that he'd been right all along. Their life together, all of it, all the bad and all the good, all of it had led them to each other, they were each other's destiny. He had never felt so at peace. He turned to her and fell deeply into her eyes.

She reached up and pulled his head down to her, needing to meet his mouth with hers, to taste him. Their lips met, opened slowly and merged intensely together. The kiss was electric, more so than their very first kiss, and it seemed to be happening in slow motion, every sense in their bodies was focused on their mouths, their lips, their tongues, their breathing. Images were flashing behind their eyelids, years and years of images, snapshots, planets, stars, one of them laughing, one of them crying, injuries, parties, Talaxian tomatoes, a bottle of champagne, the births of two babies; one on Earth, one on a Starship, images and images as lips moved slowly together...

They finally pulled incrementally away by mutual agreement, needing to speak, not wanting to separate. Their foreheads touched as they tried to bring their breathing back to a semblance of normality. Kathryn ran her hand through the short, soft hair on the back of his head. Chakotay cupped her face, running his thumb over her cheekbone.

"I love you, Chakotay," she finally managed to say, feeling the words were almost pointless.

He breathed deeply. "I love you, Kathryn. And those words aren't pointless. They mean everything to me."

Her eyes filled but she smiled. She lost herself in the dark brown irises that were staring at her soul. She stroked his face. "You know, between you and Deanna, I may never have another private thought."

"Well, what do you think is on my mind at the moment?"

She knew. "I think you've realized that you were right all along. Our destiny is in each other. You're wondering if I know it, too. I do."

He stroked her face tenderly. "So what are the questions you have?" He was grinning so widely, she idly wondered if her fingertip would get lost inside his dimple were she to touch it.

"What did they mean by calling each other teacher and dreamer?"

"Well, the wolf has the katra of a teacher, a spiritual teacher, one who discovers things then returns to the clan to share her medicine, her teachings..."

"Like you," Kathryn said, marveling at the correctness of the symbol.

"Perhaps, I've never really decided for sure. And the lizard has the katra of a dreamer, one who travels across the stars, has visions of other places to see, other things to learn, a visionary. Like you," he finished with another very big smile.

"Me? Well, I suppose. I've always thought of myself as being pretty pragmatic, down to earth."

"Your feet planted on the ground but your head in the clouds, I believe wolf said. You, Kathryn, my dearest love, are definitely a dreamer, a visionary. We'd never have made it home if you hadn't been one. We'd never have had half the experiences we did either."

"I think I can see it. It's amazing, isn't it?"

"Yes, it is. Animal guides are powerful. They choose us. We don't choose them."

She was quiet for a few moments, remembering her other question. "Why did they say they had met before? What did 'times ago' mean?"

"I don't know everything, yet, but I have a guess or two. As I'm certain you do, too, right?" He looked at her and she gave a small nod. "It seems as though they wanted us to know that, perhaps, we've known each other in another lifetime. Perhaps that's what 'times ago' meant. I don't know for sure. And without an elder here to help me interpret, I can only go on my gut instinct. We'll likely never know. Unless one or the other decides to tell us at some point."

They studied each other without reservation or self-consciousness. Once again, their mouths drifted together, electric, their bodies following the lead this time as they slowly dragged themselves down to the carpeting to press together, to eventually remove the barriers of fabric, to roll together, heated touch to heated touch, skin to skin, until eventually they got themselves onto the soft surface of the bed. To make slow, intensely erotic love. Then to the outside tub, only to do it again, under the silver rays of the moon. And back once more to their bed, feeling insatiable, only complete when joined, the visions of lizard, and wolf, smiling at them from the forest, and the beach.

The day after returning home was busy, but anticipating the evening ahead made it easier to bear. They were finally going to have their beach party with Erin and Bill, in celebration of the pardon, ostensibly, but really a celebration of so much more. The four of them climbed down the steps and slopes carrying their blankets, food containers, and firestarters. They dug a pit in the sand, gathered up driftwood and rocks, and lay the fire. The sun was setting, the sky another brilliant display of color, the fog still being held out to sea, their luck still keeping them under visible stars and a bright moon. The fire was lit, blankets were spread and food was passed around.

"So, Chakotay, how does it feel to be the man who's going to change the world view of interplanetary history?" Bill asked with a grin. "We can say we knew you when," he teased.

Chakotay chuckled. "Well, nothing's been changed quite yet. I'm pleased the IAA is taking my findings seriously. I feel proud for my tribe."

"Honey, tell them the rest," Kathryn said, kissing his shoulder.

"I've been offered teaching positions at Stanford and at the Academy. I haven't decided yet which one to take, if either." He met the surprised looks from his cousins. "What? I've got other things, other irons in the fire, other responsibilities to consider..."

"But Chakotay, Stanford, " Erin said. "You could meet Bill for lunch!"

"Definitely a plus," he answered with a grin.

"I think he should take one, at least. But only after we set up the school program. We start traveling in two weeks to the first one. Starfleet has come on board in a substantial way," Kathryn said, beaming. "I, for one, am very much looking forward to it. And if I have to continue by myself while he teaches, well, then, that's what we'll do. And that's not all, you won't believe what was waiting for us when we got home..." She shoved a slice of apple in her mouth.

"Spill, Kath..." Erin prompted, poking her cousin hard in the side with a laugh.

"Oomph," she choked out, then swallowed, chortling. "Very funny, Erin. We had a message from a publisher, no, actually two, offering us a book deal. They want us to write a book about Voyager, can you believe it?"

Bill clapped his hands together, smiling broadly. "I think it's great! Need a ghostwriter?"

Kathryn looked at Chakotay. She turned to Bill. "I hadn't thought about that, but yes, I think that's absolutely a possibility. We were going to turn it down, neither of us think of ourselves as anything but technical writers and that would be one helluva boring book. Goodness, to get your fiction skills into it..."

Erin laughed out loud. "Boring? Where the hell did you get that idea? Don't get me wrong, I think Bill ghosting it would make it perfect, but boring, never. You just lived through it, so it's old hat..."

"Old hat, hardly," Chakotay said, "but maybe just too difficult to write about in an exciting way."

"And compared to life here on Earth..." Kathryn looked at him, smiling enigmatically. He nodded with a grin of his own.

Erin studied the two of them. "So what did you do today that was so important you couldn't say?"

Without missing a beat, Chakotay turned to them. "We went to the jewelers. Mr. Chilton's shop, the man who made our bracelets. We picked out wedding rings..."

Erin interrupted them with a squeal, clapping her hands like her husband had. "Oh, that's wonderful! So you've set a date? When do we get to start making wedding plans?"

"Soon, Erin, soon. We haven't exactly set a date, but it will be soon," Kathryn answered, laughing.

Bill took out the bottle of wine from the container and opened it with great ceremony. He poured four glasses and passed three around. He raised his. "To the future, to a wonderful wedding, to achieving everything your heart desires, and welcome home, congratulations on the pardon, and all of the rest of it."

They clinked their glasses together and three of the four downed the wine with a flourish. Kathryn set her glass down on the sand, smiling to herself.

"Kath, what's wrong? Why aren't you drinking?" Erin asked.

Chakotay jumped in, looking at the love of his life, getting a nod in response. "Didn't we tell you? We went somewhere else today, too. To HQ. A date with a medical tricorder. Kathryn's pregnant. She's having twins."

Erin's scream could probably have been heard in the entire neighborhood. She lunged for her now crying cousin and hugged her hard. Soon all four were hugging, laughing and crying some. Eventually, Bill reached out and dumped Kathryn's wine on the sand, replacing it with sparkling water, refilling the other three with more wine. He cleared his throat.

"One more time. Here's to an incredibly happy future, to two beautiful children waiting to come into this family, who will be greeted with love and lavished with attention. To their parents, for finding each other, for being equally stubborn," he gave them each an intense stare and smile, "and for cherishing each other. Long life." The glasses clinked, the liquids passed down their throats.

Kathryn met Chakotay's eyes in the firelight. They were both remembering the same thing, and knew it down to their souls.

The End.