Kathryn was sitting at her desk, attempting to keep her head upright by resting it on a fist. Her eyelids were fighting her more and more as each minute passed. The coffee was, clearly, no longer working. But staying in the ready room, hours beyond the end of alpha shift, was working. Just exactly as she had intended it to. She was doing her job. Accomplishing the tasks that absolutely could not wait until the following day. Reviewing Chakotay's staffing schedule for the following month, B'Elanna's core maintenance schedule for the same period, Neelix's report on the food stuff reserves.
She sighed loudly and shoved the console away, then pillowed her head on her arms. See, she said to herself, it had only taken two weeks. Just two weeks since they'd come back from Quarra and already she and Jaffen had had a fight. Already he was pushing. She'd had no choice, really, but to push back. It wasn't her fault that she'd been stressed by all of her renewed responsibilities, by her torn emotions, by her desire to just curl up on her couch and close her eyes. He shouldn't have asked her to let him make dinner. All he'd needed was the access code to her quarters and he'd have dinner all ready when she got off shift. She'd refused him.
She was starting to fall asleep, despite the remembered anger, so she made herself sit upright. It wasn't her fault, she thought. Jaffen should have understood. He'd appeared to. And now he was giving her much more space. Which was just what she'd demanded. Well, damn him, anyhow.
She'd go to her quarters, and read over her mother's letter. Pathfinder would be contacting them the following day. She'd have ten minutes to talk to her mother, to hear all about life in Indiana, to remind her what the point to all of this was. Jaffen had asked to be there, to meet Gretchen, but that had been before the fight. She couldn't imagine he'd still think that was going to happen. But just in case, she'd better set him straight. In the morning.
Chakotay rolled and curled himself around Tom's back, pulling them tightly together, sighing to himself, sure there was likely a smile on his face, too. Tom snuggled more deeply into the embrace.
"How long?" Chakotay murmured in his husband's ear.
"Twenty," Tom mumbled.
"Thirty," he answered.
"Uh uh, twenty, or I'll write your next report summary for you..." Tom sighed and laced their fingers together on his stomach.
"Pretty sure of yourself. Okay. Do it."
"Computer," Tom called in a rusty voice, "the time."
"The time is 0612."
"See," Tom said, "twenty."
Chakotay laughed softly. Tom usually won the early morning bet, but not always. The man claimed there was something in the sound of the ship that told him how long it would be until the alarm went off. Pure bullshit. "Eighteen, actually," Chakotay teased. "And here I was looking forward to reading your scintillating report summary."
Tom moved his ass against Chakotay's already hardening erection. "Scintillating is too big a word for so early in the morning," he muttered. "Besides, what are you going to pay up with?"
Chakotay thrust his hips. "This." He unlaced his fingers and trailed them downward, grasping something equally hard. "And I'll take care of this, too."
Tom moaned softly, and writhed. "I don't know..." Chakotay stroked him. "Okay," Tom said quickly. They both laughed, which turned into groaning when Chakotay started to move in earnest.
Harry's first sensations upon waking were a weight pressing him to the mattress, and lips moving down his neck. A rush of sexual excitement hit him all at once as he came to full consciousness, and he gasped from it.
Greg writhed. "Morning, my love," he said seductively in Harry's ear.
He tried to think. He had to get up, but he couldn't move. "Greg - gotta get up," he mumbled. "We gotta get going."
"In a while."
His brain finally engaged, even though the sensations his body was handling had almost prevented it. He chuckled. "You do this every Pathfinder day," he teased Greg, "but really, we've got to get up."
Greg stopped moving overall, but continued to kiss and lick Harry's neck, and he moaned involuntarily at the feel of it. "Harry - I'm just excited to talk to the family, you know that. We also do it the night of Pathfinder day, and other nights of the week, too."
Harry took advantage of the body weight shifting off him momentarily and pushed, wriggling out from under the man, who groaned himself. Harry laughed, and said, "I've got to get in the shower."
Greg bounded up and Harry took off for the bathroom, his erection slapping him in the stomach, his husband hot on his heels. Both of them were laughing boisterously now, and when Greg finally cornered him in the shower stall, he shrieked when the bigger man lifted him. Moaned loudly when he was penetrated. Wrapped his legs around his husband's chest and plastered his arms against the wall as he was pinned there, overcome by it all. God, he thought, I'm one lucky man.
B'Elanna was washing her hair when she felt very welcomed arms wrap around her from behind. "You're going to get soap in your face," she said to Ken.
"Don't care," he stated.
"Suit yourself," she answered, smiling.
"Okay, I will." He turned her around so her back was to the water. "Let me finish."
"I can do it myself." She said it automatically, keeping her eyes tightly shut. Ken pulled her hands away from the shampooing.
"That's not the point, dear," Ken said gently. "The point is to let me pamper you."
She sighed, as his fingers worked on her scalp, with just the right pressure. She let him finish washing, then let him push her backwards and rinse her hair. She ran her hands up and down his chest and belly while he worked on her, enjoying the sensation of only touch between them. She thought that she could probably map out every curve and plane of this man's body, and she loved all of it. Even the scars. The lines that spoke of a prior life of war, and horror, and pain. She traced them with her fingertip.
"There," he said eventually, "all rinsed."
She opened her eyes and smiled. His own hair was flopping over his brow, and his cheeks were pink from the heat and steam. He looked gorgeous. "Thank you," she said.
He took her in his arms and held her tightly for a moment, then pulled back. "You deserve it, and not," he touched her abdomen, "just because of this little one, either."
Her throat closed. She'd been feeling just exactly like that, like an incubator, not to be taken seriously. She'd finally told him the night before, gotten it all out in the open, and he'd said the right things. "You're a good man, Ken," she said softly. "I love you."
A smile spread across his face. "I love you, too, 'Lanna." He placed his hand flat on her belly this time. "You know, you are starting to show, no matter what you say."
She shook her head. "No, I can't be, I'm too early. Twelve weeks is too early."
"Doesn't matter what the chip says - your belly is hard and the bulge is visible. To me, anyway."
She touched herself, next to his hand. "I know I can feel it, but you can really see it, too?"
He nodded, and smiled again. She smiled back. She was showing. Her heart threatened to burst, which completely surprised her. She was showing. She beamed at him, sure of everything once more.
Jaffen walked purposefully off the lift on deck two. He rang the chime at the captain's quarters, just as the door next to it swooshed open. The two men exiting were chuckling together, but stopped long enough to greet him.
"Good morning, to you, too," he said to Chakotay and Tom. "Off to breakfast?"
"Yup," Tom said, "Neelix always tries to make us something special on Pathfinder day."
"Does he succeed?" Jaffen asked. He hadn't quite gotten used to the food in the mess hall yet, though the Talaxian was a pure delight.
Tom rolled his eyes. "Well, you know, the jury's still out on that one. But - hey - we love the guy to pieces, he's family, so to the mess hall we go," he said, smiling.
"What's a jury?" Jaffen asked just as the door to Kathryn's quarters opened.
Chakotay took Tom's hand to move him along, Jaffen was sure.
"Ask the captain," Tom said.
Chakotay nodded in agreement. "Have a nice breakfast, Jaffen," he said, pulling Tom gently.
"See ya," Tom added.
He watched them walk to the mess, still holding hands, before entering, sighing to himself. Wishing Kathryn would relax enough to let him in to that extent. There were many couples on board this ship, he'd discovered. All of them trying to make a family, so far from home. Well, he told himself, their leader wasn't going to keep him away. He wouldn't let her. He loved her far too much. He missed her far too much.
He walked in, making sure his emotions were clearly evident on his face. Kathryn was sitting on her couch, sipping some coffee, looking tense. "Good morning," he said cheerfully.
"Good morning," she responded.
"Would you like to join me for breakfast? Your neighbors tell me that there's a special this morning, due to it being Pathfinder day. Is that what it's called, when you hear from the alpha quadrant?" He continued to stand, as she hadn't invited him to sit.
She smiled at that. "It's what we call it now, yes. Since we've been able to talk face to face with our families, it's usually a day of high spirits - that is, if we're not fighting off some hostile force or another."
"You can feel it, and see it, Kathryn. That must be nice," he added.
"It is."
"So - breakfast? Brave the mess hall with me?" He gave up waiting for an invitation, and joined her on the couch. She watched him do it, and now he could see that she was still wary. "Kathryn," he said in a softer tone of voice, "please. I'm sorry that we fought. Can't we just move past it? Come on, come have some food before you start work."
"Now you want to spend time with me?" she said, a little harshly.
He sighed deeply, but was resolute. "Yes, I do," he stated. "Now, and always, I want to spend time with you. To make sure that you eat something, to enjoy your company. Hell, just to be around you. I decided that I was giving you too much space. So here I am."
Her face softened and he could have sworn her eyes were getting misty. He took the risk and laid a hand on hers, gently, letting just the touch be enough. He hoped it would not only soothe, but remind her what they'd felt like, together. She turned her hand in his and laced their fingers. His heart skipped, it had been at least a week since she'd held hands with him.
"Okay," she finally said, "I'll have breakfast with you. But later, I will be speaking to my mother alone."
He was taken aback, and more than a little hurt. He tried to cover, but was having difficulty hiding his emotional response to the very clear rebuff. A full minute passed before he could formulate an answer. He cleared his throat. "That's certainly up to you. Perhaps next month I could meet your mother." He forced a smile on his face. "Now - I'm hungry. Shall we?" He stood, still holding her hand.
She wouldn't meet his eyes, but after a moment, stood with him. "Jaffen..."
He waited for her to continue, then prodded her when she didn't.
"There are some things," she said, "... Some things that I'd like to talk to her about. If there's time after that, I'll call you. I'm scheduled for 1300, or as soon as my superiors get finished with me." She squeezed his hand.
This time the smile wasn't forced. "That would be fine, I understand. I'll be ready, just in case."
She smiled back at him, an easy, relaxed smile. His heart swelled a bit. Just enough. Enough to give him renewed hope. As they walked to the mess hall, he let his dreams begin again.
"Come on, Martis - sweetheart, he's fine," Noah said to his wife, who was starting to take off their son's clothes again. For the third time. "Honey, we'll be late and then the whole thing will be moot."
"It'll only take a minute. He needs to be changed," Martis stated.
Noah didn't quite buy it, and as he looked over her shoulder, sure enough there was only the slightest amount of wet on the boy's diaper. The baby was quite content, however, to be changed. At two weeks, he spent most of his time staring at his fist and gurgling. When he wasn't eating and messing his diapers and getting bathed and sleeping.
Noah sighed to himself. They had only ten minutes to get to Astrometrics for their visit. Joseph Thomas' debut before his great-grandmother Paris and his grandparents Lessing. "The clothes you picked out twenty minutes ago are perfect," he encouraged.
"You sure?" Martis's eyes locked with his.
"Yes," he said. He stroked her cheek and felt his throat constrict. His love for her was still the center of his existence; his love for JT was just as boundless. The arrival of their child, however, had highlighted for him the reality of his life with them both. At some point, he'd be a single father, with stories, and vids, and images of a woman who'd meant everything to him. Tangible things to share with their children, and grandchildren. That could never make up for what they'd all be missing. For now, he was determined to keep things as calm as possible. Even if he was worried about Martis, and JT. He smiled at her.
She picked up the baby and put him in the sling so that he was bound to her stomach and chest. Hand in hand, they dashed out of their quarters.
Tom could not believe his mother had actually made that noise. It was somewhere between a shriek and a squeal. It was true, he thought, his grandson was quite a spectacular sight, and fully deserved of any exclamation of wonder a person could make. But she was in the middle of Command Headquarters. He could only imagine what his father would have said had he been there. Tom was certain the admiral would get the report.
While his mother and Martis went nuts over the baby, the little one started to fuss, revving up fairly quickly to a good wail. Chakotay immediately made a move to take the child from Martis, and Tom knew why. His husband, though now enjoying a pretty good relationship with his mother-in-law, wasn't all that fond of talking about babies and Paris family news. Chakotay did, however, love their grandchild, and wanted to take a more active role in the baby's upbringing. So far, Martis hadn't wanted to let JT out of her sight. So the man was pushing her, just a bit, wanting his daughter to be free to talk with a woman elder.
Tom helped Chakotay pry a crying JT out of Martis's arms, soothing her, telling her it would be fine, JT would be fine, she could just keep talking, time was passing quickly. She relented, and Chakotay put the boy on his shoulder and walked off a ways, bouncing him gently, crooning to him, patting his back. Joseph calmed almost instantly. Tom wasn't the least bit surprised. For some reason, the man he loved had that effect on children. Had that effect on him, too, truth be told.
"Martis," Tom's mother said, pulling the young woman's attention back to the screen.
With one last look over her shoulder, Martis faced her. "Yes, grandmother?"
"You, too, Noah," she said.
"Yes, ma'am," Noah answered, turning away from his child, as well.
"I know how hard it is to let other people hold your baby, and help you. But you have to let Joseph Thomas learn how to be with others, and not just you. Martis, honey, I've been thinking about this, particularly when we couldn't talk last month. If I had it in my power to do anything, I'd be there for you right now. You need to be able to talk, and get advice. You don't like letting him out of your arms, do you?"
Martis bit her lip. "No, I don't. It hurts. Like now - I know he's getting hungry..."
"How do you know that? He seems to be just fine with Chakotay. Hungry babies don't calm down that much without being fed."
"I just know it," Martis stated.
Tom knew what his daughter was doing. It was something he and Chakotay had talked about briefly, wondering how to bring it up with her.
"Well, let him tell you," her grandmother said to her. "Look - I've been talking with Sarah, and we've put together some grandmother/mother-in-law advice for you. We love you, and since we can't be there in person, we'll be there in what ever way we can. Between us, we've raised seven children, all of whom have turned out pretty damned well. I'm sending the information to you today, okay? I want both of you to read it, then talk it over with Tom, and Chakotay, and anyone else you can think of."
Again, Martis met his eyes. He nodded to her.
Noah spoke up. "Thank you, Mrs. Paris."
"You're welcome, Noah. You talk to your parents in a couple of hours, right?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Grandmother - thank you," Martis said. "I wish you were here, too," she added quietly.
"I know, honey, I know. Now - Tom?"
Tom looked at his mother and his heart started to thud. He knew that look, and he wondered what he'd done, and whether he could cut her off. They only had a short time left. "Yes?" He finally answered.
"Why haven't you written to your father?" she asked.
Tom snorted. "Is that all? What do you think I should say to him? Thanks for the hello, but there are two people that you're completely ignoring? No, sorry."
"Your father is doing the best he can under the circumstances. You know how he is."
"If this is the best he can do, it's pretty pathetic. He's a great-grandfather now - does he care?" Tom didn't, not any longer. A year of beating his head against the wall that was his father had finally, completely, done it for him.
"He does care - he just doesn't know how to show it," his mother stated.
Tom stared at her, and after a moment she threw up her hands.
"Okay, Tom, I'm going to tell you something. God knows what it'll do, but I've had it. Your father does care. He looks at each and every transmission, reads each and every letter I let him see. Now, whether he obtains copies of the letters on his own, I don't know, but he reads the ones I leave lying around the house."
Tom was stunned. His eyes locked with his daughter's and he knew she was just as surprised. Then he felt the slow burn of anger move through him again. So his father watched all the transmissions? He turned around. "Chak," he called, "come over here."
Chakotay looked down his nose at him.
"Please," he amended.
The man he loved approached, still gently patting JT's back. "What?" he asked.
Tom cupped Chakotay's face, dipped his head, and kissed him. Sensuously, hotly, not holding anything back. Chakotay responded to it without hesitation. Their lips moved together, in a well honed and heady dance, for some long moments until Tom pulled away with a sigh.
Icheb realized too late that his mouth was hanging open. He was working the console at his usual place, with the Delaneys next to him, making certain the transmission remained open and functional. His heart had vaulted against his chest wall when he saw the lieutenant kiss the commander, and now, watching them continue, he was having all kinds of reactions he'd never before experienced. His hands were tingling, his stomach was fluttering. When they stopped kissing, Icheb's eyes traveled, of their own volition, across Astrometrics. His glance locked with his friend's, before they both looked down quickly.
His heart was now pounding, deep resonant thuds that he worried the Delaneys might hear. Needing something to distract him, he watched the scenario in front of the screen. Lieutenant Paris told his mother that he hoped his father would see the truth, then they all said their good-byes with what appeared to be a great deal of love on everyone's part. The baby was handed to Noah, over some small protestations from Martis, then all four people thanked Icheb and the Delaney sisters before leaving.
"Woo-hoo," Megan said to Jenny after they'd walked out. She waved her hand in front of her face. "Haven't seen them do that since the wedding! Man oh man..."
Jenny poked her sister in the side. "Gonna fuel my fantasies tonight, that's for sure," she said, laughing lightly.
Icheb was confused. He looked up, and once again met Mortimer's eyes. Once again, his heart leapt, and he broke the eye contact quickly. He decided right then to ask the captain, his mentor, some questions. As soon as possible. He hadn't seen the wedding, and he thought he'd understood about the various couples on board this ship. Clearly, he had missed something important.
"Da, I can't believe you did that." Martis was laughing now that they were in the corridor.
"Me, neither," Tom answered. "It was inspired."
"Possessed is more like it," Chakotay teased.
"Yeah, well you didn't seem to mind too much." Tom looked at him closely.
Chakotay took his husband's hand and squeezed it. "No, Tom, I didn't. I would love to see the look on your father's face when he watches this one." He studied Tom, pleased to see immense satisfaction grace those beautiful blue eyes. Their glances met. He winked, and Tom grinned.
Harry held on to Greg's hand for the entire transmission. Each time, he thought he wouldn't need to do it, and each time, their hands came together and never let go. After explaining briefly that their letters would have a lengthy description of what they'd gone through on Quarra, both men had been lovingly inundated with news from both sides of the family. Harry had been so worried about his mother, when he was told that her condition was completely repairable, he nearly sank to his knees in relief and supplication.
He loved to hear about his family, his numerous cousins and aunts and uncles. Descriptions of this gathering or that. How the garden was doing. What the weather had been like. All of it was wonderful to hear, and all of it made his heart ache with longing. Sometimes he wondered if he'd ever smell the Pacific Ocean again.
But what he loved to hear almost more, were the conversations between Greg and his children. This time Alicia hadn't come, as her own mother had needed her help. Harry watched the man he adored, talking with Bernie and Steve, noting how her absence seemed to make them both more forthright. Harry smiled to himself, imagining how grown up they must feel, transporting across the globe on their own.
Greg's once-a-month parenting had become normal for the three of them; the boys brought specific questions or problems to their father, listening seriously to his opinion, direction, or support. When those were out of the way, then the chatting began, and Harry was pulled into the conversation along with his parents. And once again, Harry's heart would ache.
He hoped that someday he'd not only be able to shake these young men's hands, but also meet Greg's parents. They'd sent letters from Vega every month. In the course of getting to know them, Harry had discovered where his husband's steel spine had come from. Mr. and Mrs. Ayala were strong, spiritual, deeply committed people. And as they'd also taken up a correspondence with the Kims, soon there would be a face-to-face meeting between both sides of this family. A family created by a marriage that had happened on the farthest side of the galaxy.
After they said their good-byes, Harry leaned into Greg's shoulder as they walked out of Astrometrics. It was hard to end the transmissions, and however strong and steel-like his husband's resolve, Harry knew that the man would need a bit of meltdown time. He would be happy to provide the loving arms within which Greg could collapse. They'd have a lot to talk about tonight, he thought. Steve was wanting to join the Academy. Harry had the feeling that, no matter how supportive Greg had been with his son, in the quiet of their quarters the ex-Maquis would not be quite so pleased.
Kathryn walked off the lift and onto the bridge, trying very hard to keep her smile concealed. She stood between the command chairs and the helm and crossed her arms. Chakotay looked up at her, and for a brief instant she was sure he knew exactly what she was about to say. "So, Tom," she started, shifting her attention from her First Officer to her pilot. "I hear that you and Chakotay were necking in Astrometrics. In front of the crew, and everyone in Starfleet, too."
Tom spun around, his countenance completely serious. "Not exactly accurate, Captain. Though if I may ask - who told you?"
"I was just getting a bite to eat and I overheard it in the mess hall. I must say, the story was quite descriptive. Sounds as though the two of you were nearly rolling on the floor in a heated embrace." She glanced at Chakotay, who was starting to turn red.
"Um, not true, ma'am," Tom declared. "We were merely giving my father a demonstration." He didn't elaborate.
She finally gave up and grinned outright. "Was the admiral there this time?"
"No. We were told that he looks at the transmissions later."
Her stomach turned. "All of them?" she asked.
"Just the ones of my family," Tom answered hastily.
She looked at Chakotay directly. "So what did you do?"
But before he could answer, Tom jumped in again. "He didn't do anything. I did it, Captain. I kissed him. He just kissed me back. I apologize for behavior unbecoming an officer..."
She held up her hand to stop his confession. "It's okay. What people do in front of their families is their own business. Besides - you've given quite a number of people something to talk about. Obviously, they needed it."
Chakotay was still blushing and Tom was still unconvincingly contrite. She told them she was due in the den of inequity herself in ten minutes for her transmission, and left. In the lift she decided to empty Astrometrics of everyone but Icheb, so she could have some privacy to talk with her mother. Icheb could handle the job, and she trusted his discretion implicitly.
"No," Kathryn's mother said, "I'll be staying in San Francisco tonight. Cecile is having a number of us over for dinner. It might make Owen a little rankled, but she says she's tired of coddling him about it all."
Kathryn was surprised and pleased that Tom's mother and hers were forging alliances among Voyager's families. "Who else is invited?"
"Well, the Lessings of course, John and Margaret Kim, and they've been told to bring the Ayala boys. If they get bored with the grownup talk, there's a pool table in the family room they can play with. It's too bad, really, that Owen will more than likely not show. Margaret tells me that Steve Ayala wants to enter the Academy. I'd think that Owen would like to meet him, for pete's sake. Anyway, there's John Torres, he's coming..."
Kathryn's heart lurched, hard, as she interrupted her mother. "John Torres?! As in B'Elanna's father?"
"Yes, dear. Cecile and I tracked him down. I believe that he's going to try to talk to your engineer today. Why?"
She couldn't break her friend's confidences, so she just waved her mother onward.
"Let's see," Gretchen continued, "who else? A Mr. and Mrs. Telfer, we haven't met them in person yet, Siobhan Delaney's coming, and I think Samantha Wildman's parents, the Schmidts, too. Last I heard from them, anyway. You know, we're thinking that we should use one of the halls at the Academy, and gather as many family members as possible. Wouldn't that be lovely?"
Kathryn smiled at her, her throat closing almost too fast to control. She swallowed, and blinked, hoping the tears welling in her eyes stayed there. "Yes, mom. I know that we all would love to know that it's happening. It would mean a lot, to everyone."
Her mother studied her intently for a moment. "Kathryn. There's something else, isn't there? What?"
How did she always know? Every single time something of consequence had happened in her life, her mother had been able to tell, had begged her to talk, had backed off too many times in retrospect. Kathryn could have used her counsel when her life was collapsing after her father's and Justin's accident. She'd pushed her mother away then. She hoped she'd learned her lesson, and would be able to take whatever advice her mother had for her now.
Kathryn tried to describe the situation with Jaffen as succinctly as possible. Gave the facts, the parameters, the pros and cons. Her mother's eyes never wavered from hers, though Kathryn clearly read various emotions move across her face. When Kathryn was finished, she only had to wait a beat before the woman spoke.
"And how do you feel about him?" Gretchen folded her arms. "I've heard how this would affect your position, and the crew - though God knows how you've decided that. I haven't heard yet how you feel about him."
She blinked. She knew that time was running out. "I... I loved him when my mind was wiped - how can I know what I feel now?"
"Forget all of that mind wiping stuff. Just forget about it. It has nothing to do with your heart, Kathryn - the one thing that you continually ignore. Question for you. Did any of the crew members have their relationships permanently damaged by their experiences on Quarra? Did they find other people to fall in love with?"
"Well, a few couples had some damage done, but only one hasn't worked it out. The others... No, they didn't hook up with anyone down there..." Her mind started to sift through what she'd been told. A longing here, unfulfilled. A searching there, never found. Chakotay had told her that from what he'd heard in counseling sessions, most people's experiences had proven that lovers somehow knew, deep down, what the truth was. No matter what the Quarren had done to them all.
"And, Kathryn, what does that tell you about Jaffen?" Her mother's voice was soft, and sure.
Her heart stopped as the realization sank in. Her mother was right. Jaffen was real. Tears were coming again, completely unbidden and in the way. But this time, she couldn't stop them, and they filled her eyes, spilling over, down her cheeks. She missed her mother desperately, and for just a moment she really let herself feel it. Gave herself permission. Her chest tightened, making it hard to breathe.
"Sweetheart," Gretchen said gently, "let him in. From what you've told me, he must love you. He's taken the risk. He's followed you with no assurances. You deserve some happiness, too. You'll still be a damned fine captain, someone your father would be so proud of. Just like I am."
She gathered her composure as best she could and nodded, wiping her face. "He wanted to meet you." She spun around and asked Icheb how much time she had left. He held up one finger. She turned back to the screen. "There's not enough time today, mom. Next month. I promise."
"Next month it is, then. Please - ask him to write to me? Tell me about himself?"
"I will. Give Phoebe a hug from me, and the kids..." She didn't want the connection to end. She took a deep breath. "Thank you. I miss you."
"I miss you, too, honey. You take care of yourself, get some sleep." Her mother smiled broadly. "I love you."
"Love you, too, mom." Just as she was about to say something else, the transmission ended. She stared at the blank screen for a minute or so, pulling herself together, then finally turned, and walked down the steps to the console. "Thank you, Icheb." She touched his arm, and was somewhat surprised when his eyes locked with hers.
"Captain, I appreciate the trust you've shown by letting me help you," he said, in that serious way of his. "I am in need of some guidance. May I speak with you after my shift is complete?"
"Yes, of course," she answered without hesitating. "Are you all right?"
"I believe I am fine."
She patted his arm. "Very well. Come by the ready room when you're done, we'll talk then." He nodded, and she left, telling the crew members waiting in the corridor to return to work. Her heart was beginning to beat faster as she headed to the lift. Once inside, with the relative privacy afforded there, she called Jaffen, asking him to meet her immediately. The ready room was where it would have to be, because she didn't want to wait. Didn't want to let herself think too carefully. For once, she just wanted to feel.
Kathryn had barely perched herself on the couches when the door chime rang.
"Come in," she instructed the computer.
Jaffen entered more slowly than she had expected. She watched him approach, and even though she didn't miss the wariness in his eyes, still she couldn't help but appreciate just how good he looked. He had an easy grace when he moved, much like when he smiled. Fluid and relaxed was how she thought of him. Right then, as he sat next to her, she could see his shoulders begin to set firmly. His tension was palpable.
"How was the visit with your mother?" he asked.
She smiled fully at him, and took his hand. "It was wonderful. I mean, it was difficult to say good-bye, but it was very good to talk to her. I think you'll like her when you meet her next month. We ran out of time today, and I'm sorry about that, Jaffen."
He studied her carefully. "So you want me to meet her?"
"Absolutely. She wants to meet you, too. She'd really like you to write to her, and if you can get it done in the next couple of hours, we can send it before the data stream shuts down." She covered their clasped hands with her free one. "She wants you to tell her all about yourself."
"That sounds serious, Kathryn."
"I hope it is serious, Jaffen," she answered. The words that she'd planned out so carefully in the lift and walking across the bridge had simply disappeared from her mind. She knew she was not being direct, but really, she thought, what should she say? I'm not ready for you to move in to my quarters, but would you spend the night with me? Love me and hold me and promise me you'll hang in there when things get insane as they always do? She focused and realized with a start that Jaffen was waving a hand in front of her face.
"Now that I've got your attention again," he said softly, "please explain what you meant by that statement. I need this direct. Spelled out."
She cleared her throat, and had to force her eyes to stay open. "It was pointed out to me that I fell in love with you, and that love really doesn't have much to do with the mind, just the heart. However my mind was wiped, well... That can't change how I felt." She squeezed their hands and took a deep breath. "It doesn't change how I feel. Now. It doesn't matter..." She bit her lip in an effort to gather her wits, beginning to feel angry with herself that she couldn't seem to put a simple sentence together to tell this man how she felt and what she wanted. She was the captain, damn it, and could handle any situation.
"Kathryn," Jaffen interrupted her thoughts again. "Tell me. Do you love me?"
She smiled. "Yes. I do."
Jaffen smiled for the first time since he'd arrived. Her heart swelled to see it, and her last remaining vestiges of doubt vanished. "So is it appropriate for a man to kiss the captain in the ready room?" he asked.
"Yes, on Pathfinder day," she teased, "considering the other kisses that have happened today, the captain says 'yes, please.'"
He moved closer to her, dropping his head. "Other kisses?" he murmured.
"I'll tell you later," she answered quietly, "just kiss me."
He did, and as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, and drifted into the embrace, their kisses continued, and deepened, and she fell back into what they'd been together. Their need for each other was still there. She let herself revel in it, enjoy the familiar sounds he was making, thrill at the feel of his muscles under her fingers. She had missed him.
B'Elanna gripped Ken's hand as they entered Astrometrics. Even though she was just past the first trimester, her stomach roiled. She'd been told she had a transmission, though the sender was not identified. It could only be one person, she thought, and she had no idea how she felt about talking to him. Seeing his face after twenty-five years. Experiencing the gaping hole that was still in her heart.
Ken flexed his fingers. "'Lanna, honey," he whispered, "we don't have to be here. You can ignore it."
She loosened her hold slightly. "No. I'll see him. If it's him." She greeted Megan and Jenny, chatting with them for a minute or two, hearing about how cute they thought JT was, asking her how she was doing. Unconsciously, her hand slid down over her belly and stayed. She told them she was fine, realizing that she really didn't mind her friends' question. Then Icheb said it was time, and she turned, and walked up the steps, and stood.
Her heart was thundering in her chest and her stomach took another dive. Ken kissed her head. She stared at the screen. Two very long seconds later, a man was smiling at her. Saying something. He looked like her father, a much older version of him, from what she remembered, but he did look like him. His hair was different.
"...wonderful to see you, B'Elanna, and to learn that you're fine, and healthy. I hope you don't mind the surprise. When Mrs. Janeway and Mrs. Paris found me, and told me..."
She interrupted him harshly. "You... Bastard!" Her heart exploded and she turned and ran back down the stairs and out the door and didn't stop until she was home, on her bed, holding her pillow, trying to catch her breath.
"No, it's all right," John Torres said sincerely. "Really, it is. Look, Mr. Dalby, would you give her a letter if I sent it? She deserves an explanation from me." His voice caught.
Ken was completely torn. He wanted to protect her. But he believed deep down that B'Elanna needed to come to terms with her father, about her father and the entire situation, or she'd never see what an extraordinary woman she was. How worthy of love and devotion she was. How true his own heart was, and his commitment. "Ken," he finally said to him. "Call me Ken. Yes, I'll give it to her."
"Thank you, Ken," the man responded. "Can I ask - how long have you been together?"
"We, um, we knew each other in the Maquis. We've been together for about four years now, sir." He did not want to say more.
Mr. Torres sighed deeply. "Good. That's good."
Ken sighed, too. He agreed wholeheartedly.
Icheb sat stiffly at Kathryn's side on the ready room couches. In an attempt to concentrate fully on whatever the young man was going to talk about, she moved her feet off the table and mimicked his formal manner.
"So," she said, "what can I help you with?"
"Captain, I find that I have questions about some of the couples on board. As you had suggested before we were kidnapped by the Quarren, I read two of the medical reports in the EMH database on human male sexuality. I believe, however, that I have not fully versed myself on all aspects of the topic." He hesitated, uncharacteristically for him.
"Which aspects in particular?" She tried to remember which reports she'd directed him to.
"The humans who identify themselves as homosexuals - they give each other sexual release by performing the acts that were described in the report, correct?"
"Yes, that's correct." Kathryn worked very hard to keep a solemn and captain-like mask on. She did not want to have quite this discussion with Icheb. Not this evening, with Jaffen waiting for her to be off-shift.
"It appears that the homosexual couples on board love each other."
"They do," she agreed. "They don't just perform sexual acts on each other, Icheb, if that's your question. They love each other just like the heterosexual couples do. Is that your question?"
"I am not certain." He hesitated again. "Captain, I observed something today that appeared to be more than the usual show of affection that I see around this ship. I wondered if this was normal, or unique to the individuals."
She groaned to herself. That damned kiss in Astrometrics. Now she wished she'd seen it, too. "Are you talking about the kiss between Commander Chakotay and Lieutenant Paris?"
"Yes, ma'am." Icheb blushed.
She still wasn't quite sure where the problem was in his thinking. "I understand it was quite a passionate kiss. I don't think that is unique to those two individuals, though they're both very passionate men."
"So men kiss each other like that, when they're a couple?"
"I assume so. I think your problem is understanding the difference between love and passion, Icheb. Passion is what you saw today. It's an expression of love. And yes, it's not what one normally sees around the ship. The commander and the lieutenant, well, it's difficult to explain. But that's what two people do, behind their cabin doors, when they love each other."
He was quiet for a minute or two, and he was still blushing. Then he stood. "Thank you, Captain. I will continue with my reading."
"You're welcome. And I'm sure that the commander would be very happy to talk to you about this, if you have any more questions." She kept her voice neutral.
After he nodded and left, she breathed deeply. She finally understood, and swore at herself. She'd assumed Icheb would be interested in women, and had instructed him in that orientation. Even with her own culture, and the men around her, she'd made an assumption. She'd have to keep an eye on him, she promised silently, and get him to open up a bit more to her. And she would definitely have to talk to Chakotay the next day.
Chakotay exited the lift, holding tightly to Tom's hand, heading toward their cabin. They'd just finished talking to their daughter, or trying to talk to her anyhow. The discussion had progressed fairly similarly to how he'd imagined it. Now, they just needed to leave her alone to think. The door to their quarters opened at their presence, and Tom hurried in, tugging on him.
Once inside the door, his husband barely waited for the swoosh of its closing before he let go of Chakotay's hand and grabbed his shoulders, pushing him back against the wall. His heart skipped as he locked eyes with Tom, seeing the smokiness in the blue, the haze of lust clearly evident.
"You are so hot," Tom murmured, a slow smile spreading across his face.
Blood began to pool below his waist, as he returned the seductive smile. Two weeks since Quarra. Six weeks apart before that. A lifetime. "How far are you willing to go?" he asked in a husky voice.
"Oh, very, very far," Tom answered silkily. "But you're not to move..." He dipped his head, and kissed him. Intensely, and when Chakotay kissed him back, hard, Tom deepened the kisses immediately. Taking his mouth, possessing it, sending even more of his blood south as he was held against the wall, with Tom pressing his body close. Grinding his hips. Thrusting his erection. Making Chakotay's uniform way too tight.
Still kissing him, Tom dropped one hand to the closure of the clothing, ripping the zipper down on the pants, reaching in, and freeing him. Stroking him. Chakotay couldn't help it, he moaned down Tom's throat. His toes got numb, Tom's hand was working him, his mouth was being consumed by the sweetest tasting tongue, his head was beginning to spin. He only wanted more. More Tom. More taste of him. More of his muscles pushing into him. More of his scent. His hand. He floated up, and just as he was on the verge, his last remaining focus centered on the feel of Tom's tongue sweeping against his own, and he knew Tom would be in him, soon. Soon. He spurted over Tom's hand, groaned deeply, and saw the bright blue of Tom's eyes morph into the darkness of his mind as release took over his body. Soon.
Martis cradled Joseph against her breast as she walked through the corridors. Even though the baby was in the sling, she still kept one hand on him. She loved the feel of him there. His warmth was soothing. She arrived at her destination and rang the chime. Neelix answered the door in person, just like he always did. His smile tugged at her heart, just like it always did.
They sat, and Neelix asked to hold JT. After another tug in her chest, she unwrapped her son and handed him over. The man instantly started to coo. She smiled.
"So, did you just bring over the little one for me to gaze at, or was there something specific you needed, honey?" Neelix rocked the baby.
"Well, Da and Tayo came by tonight and had one of their sit down talks with me. They've given me some things to think about, so has my grandmother, and Noah's mom, too. But I was wondering if you could tell me about my mother, and me as a baby." She reached out and slipped her finger inside JT's fist.
"Start by telling me what you're to think about," said Neelix gently.
She relaxed into the back of the couch, her finger still being hung on to. "About how I'm having difficulties letting him out of my sight. Letting anyone else take care of him. They know he's only a couple of weeks old, but Da and Tayo are a little concerned. It's hard for me to accept help."
"Because?"
"Because Joseph and I are connected."
Neelix made a noise of assent. "I think I see why you want to talk about your mother. It's the telepathy, isn't it?"
"Yes," she said, and knew she was sounding somewhat defensive. "There's more to what they're each saying. And I don't know what to do about it. They tell me that the baby needs to be communicating with me, and Noah, and that if I stay connected with him, he won't learn how to get his needs met. But how do I break the connection? What did my mother do?"
Neelix didn't answer at first. He lifted the boy, pulling Martis's finger out, and placed him on his shoulder, closing his eyes, rubbing Joseph's back. After a few minutes, he looked at Martis again. "I think that your mother would agree with your fathers. She was very cautious about using her telepathy with you. I'm not saying she didn't use it, she did, but she let you cry, as hard as it was, just enough to get our attention. She talked out loud to you, just like we all did. And I'd think, since you don't know yet if this lovely child has any telepathic abilities, you'd want to make sure that his language skills develop just as quickly as possible."
Her chest was getting tight because tears were filling her eyes. She so wanted to be the best possible mother, and she dearly missed her own. Neelix moved closer to her and pulled her onto his other shoulder. She cried it out with him, listening to the soothing words, inhaling that unique scent of his, thinking how lucky she was to have three fathers. Knowing he was right, and knowing in her heart that her mother would feel the same, she tried to look at it as a positive. Not losing something with her baby, but just learning a new way. For JT. For Noah. For her family.
Icheb read through the data file on male homosexuality again. He was waiting for Mortimer to join him in his cargo bay. The young man had been his friend for a few months now, and they'd spent most of that time talking nonstop about all things scientific. He liked the way Mortimer's mind worked, and enjoyed challenging it, and arguing with him over detailed analyses of this theorem or that. He'd discussed the Academy with him at length, and it was largely due to Mortimer's encouragement that Icheb had decided to petition the captain to receive off-site instruction.
He considered the man his friend. But that day, something had changed between them. So Icheb had thought of a way to get his answers, and test the waters, and find out where he stood with Mortimer. He wasn't quite sure where he wanted to be standing, yet he was willing to experiment and find out. This evening was one of the first times he'd been glad that the other Borg children had been returned to their homes. The bay was now his, and his alone.
The door opened and Mortimer entered. "Hey," the man said, "I'm here."
"I can see that," Icheb answered. "Thank you for coming."
Mortimer joined him at the console, but peered at him in the semi-darkness. "Why are you being so formal, 'Cheb? What's up?"
He pointed to the data file. "I have been reading about human male homosexuality again. I was a bit confused by what we saw in Astrometrics today. The kiss. What did you think of it?"
Mortimer blushed enough for it to be seen. "What did I think of it? What do you mean?"
"Beside the commander's and lieutenant's wedding, had you ever seen two men kiss like that?"
The man hesitated, and Icheb could suddenly sense his tension. "Yeah," Mortimer finally replied. "I've seen it before."
"I hadn't," Icheb said honestly. "I'm wondering what it would feel like, to kiss. Like they did."
The console interface had become quite fascinating to Mortimer, and as he absently tapped it, he said quietly, "I could show you. If you'd like. Since you're my friend."
Icheb's heart rate started to rise. "All right. If you wouldn't mind."
Mortimer shook his head. "No, I wouldn't mind." He turned and face Icheb, then took a step closer. "You just do what I say, follow my lead..." His voice was still low.
When Mortimer put his hands on Icheb's waist, he nearly jumped. The pounding in his chest doubled in speed. He felt the heat of his friend's hands through the fabric of his shirt, and the diagrams he'd been studying flashed through his mind. He was told to put his hands on Mortimer's shoulders. He did. They were just about the same height, and as he looked into the man's eyes, something changed between them again. That much he could tell.
"Okay, now kiss me, 'Cheb."
He moved, and touched Mortimer's mouth with his own. The lips were warm, and moist. But the other man pulled away enough to speak.
"Like this," Mortimer said softly. This time Icheb was kissed, the warm, moist lips were moving over his, pressing into them, as if he were being tasted, or sampled. Icheb thought his heart was going to burst. He followed the lead, doing what Mortimer was doing, and his legs got as tingly as his hands. Mortimer increased the force of their kisses and he did, too. He'd never felt anything like this before. It felt really good.
Mortimer pulled back. "Put your arms around me," he said breathlessly. Icheb complied, and was embraced in return, his body now pressed up against his friend's. It felt really, really good. "When I kiss you this time, open your mouth." Icheb could only nod, his heart hammering against two chests. He was kissed again, so he parted his lips, and Mortimer slid his tongue in, and when it made contact with his own, a bolt of white lightening coursed throughout his body.
He needed no further instruction. He kissed him back, hard, shoving his tongue into Mortimer's mouth, clutching at him, hearing noises coming from both of them, feeling a surge of sensation between his legs as he got hard. Felt his friend get hard, too. Their bodies started to move along with their mouths. This was beyond feeling good. Beyond anything he knew. Beyond everything.
B'Elanna placed the PADD on the bedside table, then rolled over and curled up in Ken's arms. She'd just finished the third reading of her father's letter, though the experience hadn't gotten any easier to stomach. Brutal honesty was the only thing she appreciated about it. Declarations of devotion and love were difficult to buy. She knew now what love was, and it certainly wasn't abandoning your wife and child when things got a little difficult. And if you had to leave, letting your daughter believe she wasn't worth any further attention was unconscionable. Ken held her closely, stroking her back. She moved enough to kiss him, deepening their kisses within a minute, straddling her lover, writhing against him, begging him to take her. He flipped them, and did.
Kathryn led Jaffen to her bedroom, then walked through it to the bathroom, holding his hand all the while. He agreed with her that the bathtub she had was truly amazing and, grinning at her, agreed they should see just how easily it accommodated two people. He pulled her into his arms, and she sighed into his chest, feeling a bit of peace steal into her heart. Tipping her head back, she looked deeply into his eyes. They were nice eyes, eyes to get lost in. When he kissed her, she remembered him hovering over her on a bed, in a sparsely furnished apartment on a Godforsaken planet. Her bed would be better, when they finally got there later that evening. When she would finally have someone to hold her, and love her, and help her sleep. In his arms.
Greg collapsed onto Harry's chest, slipping out of him, though the pulse of post-orgasmic bliss was still humming throughout his body. He could feel his throat closing rapidly, the ache in his heart overwhelming him. He was safe in Harry's arms. The love he felt for this man was just as overwhelming as the pain of being so far from his children. They needed him. He needed them. As the tears came, he prayed his usual prayer. That they get home, by some miracle, before he died. Before his sons were completely grown up. He cried against Harry's neck, and was held tightly, and caressed slowly, and loved unconditionally.
Martis and Noah looked down into the crib with their arms around each other. Joseph Thomas Lessing was fast asleep. Martis reached down and adjusted his blanket one more time, placing her hand over his heart, feeling and hearing the tiny beat vibrate against her skin. Noah did the same, covering her hand with his. After a moment, she pulled both hands off their son, and turned into Noah's embrace. She breathed in his scent, and sighed deeply. She kissed the muscles under her lips while Noah stroked her hair, and held her head gently to him. Words of love were spoken by each of them. It wasn't enough, so she moved back and looked up. He cupped her face, then dropped his head and kissed her. She tugged him closer, and the kisses deepened. He lifted her, as if she weighed no more than the baby and, still kissing her, took her to their bed.
Icheb felt Mortimer fall asleep, draped over him. It was a very nice position to be in, he thought. So much skin touching so much skin was really quite wonderful. They'd been lucky that Mortimer's roommate was on beta shift that month, and though Icheb didn't sleep, he decided to stay until 1200 hours. He closed his eyes, and smiled when the other man, perhaps his lover but very definitely his friend, snuggled closer. Cuddling was something he'd been unaware of, but now he thoroughly understood its advantages. He was also surprised that Mortimer liked to do it. A second smile blossomed on his face. He'd been surprised by the entire evening. A kiss was all he had really hoped to experience. They had managed to do things that he'd seen in two of the diagrams. He rested his hand on Mortimer's back, feeling the warmth of his very human skin, and listened to the rhythm of his very human breathing. He sighed in contentment.
Tom woke up but he didn't know why. Chakotay was moving slightly, but that didn't usually cause his sleep to be disrupted. He curled himself more tightly around his husband's back, resting his cheek on his neck. One of the best places in the universe to be, he thought. Under the covers, satiated, snuggling, and hopefully sleeping. But visions of his father interrupted his reverie. He swore at him and told him to leave them alone. Rather than lose too much peace, Tom focused on his grandson instead. They hoped to baby-sit the boy the following evening, to push Martis and Noah out and onto the holodeck for relaxation. To let the grandfathers coddle the baby, and stare into his blue eyes, and let him clutch at them, and perhaps get a sort of smile out of him. He kissed Chakotay's shoulder and found the man's hand. He entwined their fingers and drifted back to sleep.
Neelix shut the book he was reading and called for the lights to
be dimmed. Captain Janeway had lent him the volume that she'd replicated
years before, and he was enjoying it. It was an interesting story. But
when he closed his eyes, he realized with a sinking heart that he wasn't
very sleepy. Memories of Kes came again, as they sometimes did in the late
hours of the night. Still, after all this time. He no longer missed her
with anything close to the intensity of the first year. Now, what he was
coming to recognize was that he missed having someone to love. That he did
miss intensely. His life was quite full, with family, with friends. But
at night, in bed, he was lonely. His quarters were empty. His heart ached,
and his normal optimism failed. He knew the odds of anyone finding him attractive
and an object of love interest were very, very slim. He tried to stave off
the slight depression by thinking about JT. He rolled over, and held his
extra pillow to his chest, and tried to sleep.